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> Self, Ego, Parental Archatypes, Hero (killed releasing), Initiation,
> Instinctual Life (symbolized by animals), Psychic LIfe (ancient tree or
> plant).


12/74 There is a screw loose in my tooth and I screw it back in.

1978 - I started the year determined to finally lose weight again since
> Junior High when I weighed under 100 pounds. I limited my food to one
> orange a day or one bowl of vegetables and lost quite a bit. In March I
> had some sort of nervous breakdown that started with me lying on the cold
> sand on the beach in March meditating and seeing two Easter Island type
> statues in the sky right before the paramedic tapped me on the shoulder
> (stupid surfers called 911.) Then the psychiatrist at the hospital (now
> closed, where incidentally they were caught stealing and selling women's
> eggs) told me that they would sell my body for organ donations since I
> refused to talk or open my eyes and they could say I was in a coma - Jane
> Doe. They knew I was just a crazy person too, because the guard and
> orderly, who got me to open my eyes by doing the "pain test" on my
> sternum, told me how they beat up and threw out a crazy woman into the
> alley. Probably from the drugs they gave me intravenously, I had a series
> of vivid and disturbing dreams that made me think I was evil and like a
> rat in a trap, suicide was the only alternative, because I was helping the
> aliens conquer earth as some sort of weak link when I was
> asleep/unconscious and I couldn't stay awake forever. Interestingly, I
> couldn't remember what day or year it was (I was working in a daycare
> telling 2-5 year olds what to do all day -- they all acted like they were
> mute and didn't even talk to anyone.) I couldn't even remember what
> season it was -- but in California there are no seasons. I also couldn't
> remember who was president, but I was not interested in politics. I did
> remember my phone number. For the next couple of years I thought
> constantly about a half hearted scheme to kill all the people I had
> corrupted by my evil -- anyone I looked at -- and get a badge and sneak
> into a nuclear power plant and cause a meltdown. I finally did go to the
> railroad tracks and wait for a train, and as I was waiting I remembered a
> dream about walking past that exact spot and seeing a Collie jumping over
> the tracks and then going to a museum in Italy where the walls were
> sweating from so many tourists. So I thought it was possible that I was
> wrong after all. I've dreamed a couple of times that the whole thing
> comes back. In one dream I was still going to work and just flying back
> and forth to Iowa every night - home to my mother...
>
> I didn't write down the dreams in 1978, so they are just from memory and
> some written down in a 1987 notebook. The last one of that series was
> when I was sleeping late, one of the rare months of my life where I didn't
> have to go to school or work, and I dreamed that the fence around our
> house had fallen down. It was rotted off except for a couple of corner
> posts, redwood fence. I got up later and looked out and it HAD fallen
> down and was laying on the lawn. A customer backing out of the owner's
> tune-up shop had knocked it down.
>
> A kid on Mom's front lawn by the pump, oriental kid, young, maybe seven.
> I am on his back and he turns into a horse suddenly and rears up and I
> feel a funny feeling in my stomach. I have better balance than in real
> life and don't fall off, like the silver cord or solar plexus is holding
> me up.
>
> I dream I'm flying over Iowa City, the bridge over the river that has a
> spiral staircase. I fly up to people and touch them and they fall down.
> A group of people in a room with empty clothes laying on the floor.
> Talking about classes.
>
> Books all along the wall of the house, like a library. I start at the
> door and look at them. I get out one book with a gray cover and think
> that it is Darrell Gray and he's going to die. (He died of alcoholism at
> age 45 shortly after that.) I start to read it, but it is too long to
> read in a dream. The light is coming through venetian blinds and is very
> annoyingly bright. Then I'm in the doctors' driveway/access through Mom's
> farm. Later dream, I am standing in the same spot and some high school
> kids that died in Vietnam are carrying me in a litter on their shoulders.
> I'm embarrassed and get off and walk. The keep walking. It is a litter
> like they carry statues of the Virgin Mary on. I didn't know them well
> enough to remember if they were Catholic. Then I tried talking to my
> plants "devas" like in the Findhorn book. I had the all on the table by
> the window and fell into a doze and heard a loud middle class/aged male
> voice saying, "the killer is here among us." I jumped up and looked out
> the louvered windows and there was no one outside. Plus it sounded like
> it was right in the room. I thought maybe they were talking about me, but
> the plants had beetles in the dirt that killed all of them the next day
> (and also ate a hole in the kitchen cupboard under the shelf paper.)
> I wondered which plant was so mature -- they were sensitive plants and
> coleus, which are annuals.
>
> I dream that there are two thousand Satanists in California. They do
> human sacrifices of vegetarians, so I grab a piece of bologna and eat it
> to ruin their plans. The bathroom has green fur toilet seat covers. This
> is the fanciest bathroom I've ever seen in a dream. The Satanists just
> dance in concentric circles, whirling, and then walk to their cars. The
> seem pretty harmless. I decide to have sex with some man also in case
> they are looking for virgins.
>
> I dozed off when trying not to fall asleep and jerked awake with the
> feeling of a rod or spear in my hands. I drop it when I wake up and it
> falls behind the bed. The door flies open violently. (The door would
> often open in the house on Larch in Lawndale. I'd be sitting on the old
> red 50's couch watching TV and the door would make a clicking noise and
> open. A few times in the morning you'd go in the living room and it was
> standing wide open. The neighbor said the previous tenant who planted all
> the banana trees had died there.)
>
> In June I dream that there is a battle and I'm watching it from a hill.
> People are being loaded into a UFO and are fighting and I tell them to
> give up and go inside. ( I was staying at Dad's and sleeping in Chuck's
> bunk bed and Chuck was talking in his sleep like he was having the same
> dream I was, he was nine.)
>
> One dream I went into a pyramid shaped room and there was a silver color
> mask in there talking. I couldn't remember what it said, and it was
> mumbling, so I thought I had stolen somehow the chance to get this
> training from someone else.
>
> Another dream I was riding in the back of an open car with my feet hanging
> over the edge. Superman was running behind the car and wouldn't get in
> and ride. The car was going to a prom - with friends from college. I
> took off my socks and tried to use one to tow him. Superman got so tired
> later I saw him lying on the ground apparently dead. I had locked myself
> inside a car and got out to help him. I heard the car radio saying that
> Superman had died.
>
> I dream that I go back to visit the Larch house in 1982 after the owner
> sold it and we had to move. There were new people living there and they
> can't see me but I think they can feel me, so I try to keep from running
> into them in the small rooms. The woman says, "I think there's someone
> here." I have noticed that I dream about houses I've lived in, but not
> apartments and only once the trailer. I have dreamed that I was walking
> around the apt occasionally. The dream about the trailer was right before
> we moved to California. I was walking up the hill and there were
> bulldozers digging big holes for a new housing development. Then I was at
> a shore that looked like Florida with a lot of trees in the water and the
> water very clear and blue with white sand. There was a big wave that
> washed me through downtown LA high rises with white and black check floors
> all the way to the mountains and then all the way back to Iowa where I
> ended up back in the trailer. But now my antique chest that was painted
> black is painted white.
>
> My mother and grandmother both dreamed about houses they were going to
> live in and I have a couple of times. I dreamed what the house on Larch
> looked like before we moved in and right before the owner put it up for
> sale I dreamed I heard people outside talking about how they were moving
> in and I ran in panic down Hawthorne Blvd to the rental agency.

Posted below 3/29/01
> I dream I'm in Mom's old kitchen which is modern with a pizza oven and a
> metal rack like they used in the cafeteria in the dorm for trays of rolls
> and cinnamon buns. Also a wooden cupboard like a dumb waiter. Wood
> floors. There are rolls stacked in the cupboards also. Vampires come and
> take the food until the cupboards are bare. I am there alone and I sit on
> the floor and cry. A German Shepard walks through the house silently.
> Outside, Gramp Archer is behind the house where the poppies and
> raspberries were planted rooting through a cardboard box looking for a new
> coat. He finds a girl's burgundy winter coat and puts it on.
>
> A rickety apartment building that used to be a nice building with large
> rooms. It has a lot of hallways, wings. I go outside and find the way in
> again from the street. The streets are very narrow. The building is too
> dangerous and falling down and I don't go back inside.
>
> We live in a tree house very high from the ground. It is very flimsy,
> even has holes between the floor boards. There aren't any walls. There
> is some furniture and our antique wooden chest. I keep climbing up to a
> higher level. I'm on the seventh level and dance like a ballet dancer
> leaping without apparent fear. Then I realize where I am and wonder if I
> can get back down.
>
> At a hospital. In a loop. It keeps repeating so I'm back at the
> beginning when I get to the door to leave. There are black rubber wetsuit
> looking things being pushed around by orderlies and also in piles all over
> the place. The ones hanging look like IV's being pushed around the room.
> This horrifies me for some reason. I'm confused and can't concentrate very well.

> Old dreams -- 1974. 7/56 Playing in barn, swinging on rope. Changes to
> playground equipment, children jumping up to where I've climbed turn into
> wolves. The wolf says, you should be afraid of those kids. Playing hide
> and seek in the barn. Indians gliding through stacks of bales.
>
> Riding a horse through pasture -- looking for cows -- hills become
> mountains, horse jumps off cliff into pool of water where people are
> swimming. People swimming in pool with instructor learn to swim like
> sharks -- bodies flattened out, hands like fins. Coming down hill to Gram
> H's house (trees/hazel nut shrubs only on the top of the hill), leave
> shelter of trees -- two wild goats menace from behind big rock. Giraffe,
> ostrich, I go the other way -- cliff, darkness beyond. Voice, go ahead,
> go that way, but watch out for the cannibals. The cannibals are Latin
> Lovers.
>
>
> 8/74 Galloping sheep shadow, galloping moose. Huge bear -- bull.
> Girl leading a large bull, supposed to be her friend. Bull got away. I
> hang around fence. White bull hurt. All animals are gone -- heard him
> bellowing. Hurt back in wagon. [my Gram A was run over by a wood wheel
> wagon and she said that was why her eye went to one side] Little boy
> climbs up to see him. Bull sings songs, insist on jumping out of wagon.
> White bear coming. I cross creek to house for weapons. [white bear is
> the Spirit Bear endangered in the Pacific Northwest.] Babysitting at a
> fancy house, woman comes home, mad. I wash dishes before I leave -- find
> out about dishwasher after all this time of washing dishes in dreams.
> Cynthia's house -- go into room, clothes, try one on -- better backwards.
> People everywhere, people and furniture in all rooms -- go from room to
> room
>
> 8/16/74 A boy, girl and baby from another planet. Fighting off tigers
> with an ax through the corn crib shed's sliding door at Dad's farm.
> Voice, rule -- don't touch a tiger on it's claws. I don't know how to
> chop it's paw coming through the crack now. Boy, girl and baby very weak
> by nature -- get strong by eating well-balanced. Climb cliff that sways
> like curtain. Baby taken away. Everyone leaves but me and them -- begin
> their work with incense. I want to stay, she says I'll leave. Leave --
> go back through sand. Woman asks me which girls are pregnant -- I go
> through list alphabetically. Living as we know it in fear and hot water.
> Sleep in tubes. Camping trip. I take baby down hill by creek. Drop in
> water, then put on rock to sun. Cabin fire, knew it would happen
> beforehand -- fire truck and water there -- fire only in basement. Man in
> basement drew picture of corn -- rows of red kernels and yellow circle.
> Get cow, make friends with her. Only thing I wanted to save was my rocks.
> Poems in chest -- couldn't get, can write more. I turn the thing
> regulating the water on the fire truck.
>
> 8/20/74 One room cabin in a wilderness. Alone, I look around. Paranoid
> -- beautiful out but scary, lock door. Falling off hinges. I find a
> chicken house on a path -- one egg -- touch it and it makes a noise. Turn
> it over and chicken comes out, falls out the door before me. One chicken
> grabs hold of my toe -- I chase out chickens and crawl through dirt -- one
> rotten egg. In the garden the beans are laying on the ground already
> picked. Large national guard boxes like coffins, bundles of herbs in bags
> in one. Other woman finds things from grocery store, I look -- the milk
> is cold, say, I'm afraid this means they're coming back. Clothes on rack
> fit her but not me. I went through the door without seeing the knob on
> the frame before. Her husband home, I say I wish I could just sit here --
> have to fix supper. He asks what's wrong, I say, supper, no tomato sauce.
> [I later became allergic to vit C and can't eat tomatoes anymore.]
>
> 8/22/74 Went north -- found secret little cabin away from fancy house.
> Radio playing, pile of clothes -- old and dull in color -- just fit me.
> Radio playing by itself. Hear someone upstairs. Stand perfectly still.
> Woman comes in anyway. Turn up radio -- she says to turn it off. Out the
> window, campers -- camping along banks of river, too swampy inland. Lots
> of kids move into cabin -- then two new kids with sleeping bags -- going
> to put them outside but know they won't like it. Put them in cabin.
> Sister -- huge tits, bra showing through ragged blouse. She takes it off
> and has small tits, big nipples from baby. She threatens to make me do
> chores -- names them. I say, I won't do any more than you -- you were
> only at the barn five minutes. Letter from Jean (step-mom) she met Dave
> Morice at the airport T-shirt shop and won free trip to NY from
> Gainsborough.
> Voice, you're a horse aren't you; now what's on your mind. The car
> disappears and I find it compressed like a sofa bed in a garage -- woman
> helps unfold and put it back together. They were talking about
> speculation on furniture. Man falls asleep in gutter, no water, talks
> baby talk in his sleep about going somewhere. I wake him up when a car
> comes. He kept yelling something, wouldn't shut up. Frances Banks (from
> HS) gets a letter from her father about Emily Dickinson. Very hard test
> -- analytical first part. Last part, give names of song then take those
> and make a long list by association -- hair, ripple, flutter. Gather up
> things to leave -- didn't have time to finish. Cheryl Clark telling Gail
> Fitzgerald she paid $200 to cheat. I consider telling, decide it would
> just be spite because I didn't do well. Man says we should move right
> away in car. Mom, sisters, boyfriends in car. Mother leaves to bring
> back sister and boyfriend -- in box -- they switched. Working as a
> waitress with Peggy Parrish and Sheila Kelly -- man is going to take me
> somewhere better. Deep hole in the interstate with one board to drive
> across. Feeling of turning over, man falls in soft mud in hole. Kid
> whose father built the dam sitting on bench with old woman, whispers when
> I come in with Terry Kelly -- make us work. Roof has thick moss and grass
> growing on it. Bad turns to good, sad turns to happy. Going to class --
> had to go to bathroom, carrying own chair around with me, don't go out at
> night. Go to store with Robin (from VA Hospital), offer to help owner
> because there are lots of things to do -- free. Girl with two names, man
> sitting next to her, she explains how she acts like second name by
> winking. I think man beside her will grab her (tall, dark like Peggy).
> We run -- one of each shoes gone to keep us there. I already lost one
> shoe before I came, so run anyway. Very hard. Girl throws shoes, misses.
> I expect it to hit me. I throw shoes, hit ground. Every once in awhile
> run into tree and person I fear is there. I poke with sharp stick.
> Finally surrounded with trees and doubtful way out.
>
> 8/26/74 Long shopping trip -- many stores, carry box to car. Hard going
> at first, then easy. Hand carved things most important (cross.) My
> sister's wedding -- like a play -- blue dress with long pink train,
> embroidered capes. A man and I travel down the road in chairs with
> pillows -- come to stairs -- throw down chair and slide down on pillows.
> Last time was in a wedding dress. Preacher at bottom. Answer questions
> about Mathra.
>
> 8/27/74 I am thinking in the present, which does not. Men hate women,
> women fear men. Bandit boyfriends. I wish I was a wild woman living in
> some cave. Spermopause.
>
> 8/29/74 Monsters never die natural deaths. Like George Washington.
>
> 9/11/74 A man and I go with a family to their vacation cabin -- where
> man is already there. Go to camp where games of strength and skill
> (foreigners). Frances Banks (HS) -- other girl fight over boyfriend.
> Other girl short blond hair -- very tough. Very mad, takes off all
> clothes, stalks around. Find out the woman is not going back -- have to
> walk or hitchhike.
>
> 9/12/74 Norbert (VA Hospital) is the president, Mr. King, the Jr High
> coach is Vice-President. Waiting to go on trip at Norb's/other guy
> changes when president. Painted furniture, candy in every room. Walking
> along a sidewalk -- garbage cans of rice in one house. At times like
> these. Motion, emotion. I feel like a flower opening in a movie -- a
> movie that hasn't been speeded up. A girl with celery hair. I've waited
> and waited and waited, how can I turn my back now. Jackie O returns angry
> to the White House. Pat Nixon waits nervously smoking. Man alone in a
> business building at night crying and walking with his arms around two
> hippies, in morning others will arrive. Man removing carpets, upsetting
> the man in the middle. It will be all over soon, they'll never do it
> again. Woman just watches -- enjoys this sort of thing.
>
> 9/16/74 Getting ready to go to NY -- take Shirley (sister) to doctor.
> Mom and I have to find her in a skyscraper -- guess floor 169 (she's
> Cancer) -- she's there. Nurses find chart -- something needed to fall
> into place -- did by itself -- but might not have if didn't go to doc.
> Left, pay 10 cents. I bought what I thought was shampoo, but it's paper
> shampoo. Back at school, Nathan (brother) sitting in car with no engine.
> Shirley in car with both tires on one side fell off and left her in path
> of another car.
>
> 9/17/74 Camping with another couple by lake -- decide to go to town,
> driving horse -- horse won't go by lake that has gotten closer to road. I
> hand reins to my sister -- it grabs her -- starts kissing her, bends her
> back. I get a picture of strawberries to lure the horse into its room.
> Delivery boy keeps coming, one man says to be generous with him, another
> one, not. Squeezing lemons -- pan of juice I didn't know I already had.
> Baby with thumb and toy nipple up man's butt. Cats hunting for their
> kittens and playing/toying with mice. Night as rain.
>
> 9/26/74 At village, boy asks me how to become less civilized. I point
> to three crossroads -- lead to town or farm. I'm just guessing. I run
> away -- has something to do with war, cross open fields, get to high grass
> at night. Generals, etc, also in group. I rush into the tall grass but
> realize I'll soon be lost and come back out. Then I'm alone, have blanket
> to sleep, night cold now and everyone else has disappeared. Look at
> grassland from hill and see fallen trees far in mashing down grass. Set
> off along edge of grass -- cross grove where girls are having slumber
> party in bark huts, loudspeakers hanging around with sound of their
> giggles, they don't hear me. Then come upon a meeting of girls, suave man
> is telling them he is selling half the wilderness and they'll build houses
> all over it -- one girl says she vaguely remembers that he is a crook. I
> fear he'll kill her. He says, you may be right, code that and put it in
> my briefcase; she's his secretary, no wonder she knows him. Girls are
> going on a hike. Woman and I hide behind a line of fake trees, girl at
> the gate sees us but helps us. Girl at the end draws a line after herself
> in the dirt. The girls decide to run away to the cemetery and bikes -- I
> run too. We come to a town, people there have war too, but are much more
> sad and paranoid. Leave town, driving car now, see tunnels in snow near
> Gram house/Pomeroy's bridge -- very alluring, have rows in tunnels like
> corn bent over -- starting to melt. I decide to wait for someone to go in
> with me. Meet Dad, he's friendly, subdued, can see my sister, but I
> can't. I turn back, went too far. Sheller Globe (where I worked) makes
> warped parts, makes them any which way and then workers are stuck with
> them. I am outside at night, snow on ground, bumps that my mom told me
> were bears or pigs -- shoot them as they come out. Start to come out, but
> I can't shoot, run to outhouse and shut door. After awhile mom asks about
> them. I tell her she'll have to do it then. Look out the window and
> there are mainly calves, one baggy camel laying on the ground -- it's
> daylight now.
>
> 9/28/74 Mom went through frig and threw good things away -- I save.
> Water went over top of dam. Road flooded. Fence of cabin by road on
> fire. I ride a large bike carrying a small one. Get on the small bike to
> go home. Something falls off road at wash -- I jump down after it, find
> huge carving of smooth rabbit or something. Three years pass suddenly.
> War games, US, Costa Rica, Switzerland, army games, everyone with flour on
> them's dead, each battle won is a win for the generals. Your confidence
> helps the doctor. Diplomacy dispelled by ESP.
>
> 10/3/74 Driving down road, then road gets perpendicular and made of
> popcorn balls mashed out, slides back when your wheels go forward. Go to
> visit Pat Dooley in his cemented backyard -- three playful dogs -- we work
> on ways to kill the dogs. I make a noose, not following the directions a
> voice was telling me. When I pick up the noose it turns into a piece of
> knitting with fringe. Other people make things that look like dog masks
> -- knitted or white cloth. I go to Sears to buy crocodile cloth for a
> quilt, leaving have to cross large empty lobby with two men, other women
> hurry too. A dog by the back door, growls when I think it will. Big dark
> man follows me into country -- grabs me and just holds my arms. I have
> him an herb to make him tired and cut off the blood to his head with my
> feet, throw him in the ditch. He yells up, there's a boat down here. I
> walk away, now playful large redheaded man follows me. This one I stare
> down, tell him to "sit" which he does reluctantly. Tell him to eat his
> ice cream to distract him so I can get away when he looks down. He does,
> says it is good.
>
> 1974 -- Visiting a large house with poems, maps, fairly cultured people.
> Put poems in box, forget, find them later -- we settle in basement, make a
> record of man and woman singing, start to play it, it doesn't work for
> some reason. Everyone gone but me, a girl, an old woman. I am supposed
> to make lunch. Girl asks if she should give the old woman a cookie made
> of crackers. I say no, too sophistocated. Girl says, I already did. Old
> woman comes in eating it, she is very kind and simple, likes the cookie.
>
> Drive to country, corn fields, very lush. Must change clothes to work,
> don't really change -- shorts and bra under long jeans and shirt. Wet on
> nipples. With my two sisters, a picture of us, all in long dresses, furs,
> etc, like singing group. It is over. I fall down twice in the dream --
> both feet through a small circular wire the size of a UHF rabbit ears. A
> man is tied to me and falls down too, we aren't hurt. I walk over and
> write it down, experiment. I tripped before I knew what was happening.
> [next day happened exactly like dream -- walking to Pat Dooley's house
> both feet through a circular wire on the sidewalk and I fell before I knew
> what was happening, not hurt.] Leaving, woman driving. Someone mentions
> that we're driving through an area where we'll see forbidden things.
> Everyone but me pulls their curtains -- looks like hearse. I'm in the
> right back seat. My curtain pulls automatically. We talk about what has
> happened. Voice, that's what I wanted to know -- you killed Mike. [Pat
> Dooley's brother Mike in wreck -- drove to trailer so I could take a
> picture of the mashed in side of his red car.]
>
> Living in a group with a working class man and woman with lots of kids
> including two girl babies who only have heads and other small kids.
> Other people live there -- some crazy, some violent -- husband took two
> babies to his factory, wife to other. I offer to look after babies --
> voice, no, they don't want the babies mothered. I say I won't mother
> them, just take care of them. So I have to go along to the factory. Lots
> of supplies in the restroom, even underwear -- I read a book in there
> with one little girl, two secret rooms, kitchen. Woman comes in and says
> girls have to be locke in one room, boys in another, I refuse, try to call
> police, leave walking through lush green grass, lots of animals, ducks
> walking on my heels. Man gets stuck on a pile of dirt, other men rush to
> help push it off and get it on further. Man falls under car and another
> man wearing a hat asks, are you hurt? Man says, yes I'm hurt and throws
> hammer -- narrowly missing his head. Everyone is shocked. [making ice
> cream, chopping up ice with a pot metal hammer, the head flies off the
> hammer.]
>
> Huge banquet -- pot of money where you are supposed to put in food like
> stacked logs -- all the ice cream you want. Huge banquet, booths, I'm in
> the last one. Also playing badmitten, etc. I was going to go home, but I
> had to wash all the supper dishes. Moving south into the peoples'
> territory, the dangerous people along the rivers, the rough element,
> people who play with guns, people who take out their agressions on
> animals, take out their aggressions on paper.
>
> Go on bicycles to a woman friend's -- house of the pregnant woman. Her
> house is very fancy, but very ordinary. One woman is depressed, her
> husband wears all black and makes it worse. Fire to ashes, ashes to soap.
>
> Voice, we'll be burned alive at 11:00. Just got home, two girls all
> dressed for Rosicrucian initiation -- white basketball suits. I go to get
> ready -- don't have time to read it. Run back because my socks are two
> different colors, lose herb, shake hands with people in bleachers and one
> man won't let loose. Allan Kornblum brought bread and wine. I go into
> Dad's barn, girls praying, I pray I'll do the right thing by intuition,
> wash feet in white stuff like starch, another girl has taken a whole bath
> in water. I hear pigeons or doves above -- go up ladder and start towards
> next ladder. Floor very shakey -- boards not next to each other. Woman
> comes in -- supposed to wait until she says to go up, I get down ashamed.
> Several other girls rush right up -- she is disgusted -- says she'll leave
> to come back Monday at 10:30. It was supposed to be Thursday, Rosicrucain
> study night in the dream, but it was really Monday. Go out, a girl with
> lots of problems turns down money from a rich girl -- says lots of people
> want to help her and she doesn't want help. Rosy Cross University campus
> in San Jose -- very ornate gold building on right, on left a science
> building -- dentist, etc in lobby. Not fancy. Lecture room -- tour
> starts here. [a few years later, dad's barn collapsed in a wind storm.
> it had been leaning for many years.]
>
> Oct 1974 On bus, going to building with other girls. They start walking,
> I ask about bus then they want to take bus. We walk, crossing bridge.
> Woman with son (black) says, Sheila. She says her son knew who I was as
> soon as he saw me. I ask her what she's studying. She says when she was
> in junior high she was studying some college major. Looking at collages
> like checkerboards with the boy. First her servant, then her friend.
> Cleaning up a bride's room -- boxes of shoes, dolls, jelly she made in
> jars to sell. Mechanics tell me I probably have a frozen water pump, hand
> me the nuts as they take it apart. Made a general. What would you have
> done. Look out for the old man, my father Passing the order downl Let
> someone else break it up, a friend. A bribe, bribe the breeze. Even the
> general. Can't send his father back. He knew. Something important going
> on, sleep in my clothes in a motel room. Voice, that's nothin. last
> night we had Alice and seven piglets. Phil Ward had been there.
> Along interstate, dragging home a man and his car. Walking down long
> lane, man ahead who always wonders where he'll die. You know the man with
> the long turban wrapped around his head. Fighting on a hill -- old woman
> shot in right arm. Tries to kill her own side because of prejudices.
> Doing very expensive work -- people pay two quarters. Is it pleasant or
> just blocked? Woman's face going around in a circle. Whorehouse --
> servants decide not to let anyone else out -- I barely get out. Running
> down steps, jump down whole flights at once. Cubbyholes by a lake with
> curtains. You can't stay. A baby talking baby talk, then says, I'm
> really old, I'm eighteen. Lemon tree bloomed, after a few blooms,
> suddenly covered with blooms.
>
> Mom's house -- all sitting on porch doing things. Cows grazing in yard --
> bull right behind us. Some storm coming, we all go in the house, shut
> doors. Let in big friendly dog, small barking neighbor's dog, then cat.
> Bull comes, huge and black and starts rushing the door trying to break it
> down. Mom says, he's doing this because I laughed at him, I have to go
> out and sit and be friendly or she won't be able to do her chores. As he
> breaks in the door, I run, then follow him out the hole he made running
> right through the house on the other side. Mom comes out and says he's
> gone, then the neighbor women and kids meke some cement or starch. It
> rains in it very hard. The bull comes again, I'm in the pasture and get
> in the cab of Mom's green truck and lie on the floor so he can't see my
> face. My sister is outside by the door. He leaves, I take my sister's
> hand and thank her.
>
> Mom at Dad's house with his new wife. Man painting their beautiful nails
> white. Mine are all gummed up. Shirley has problems with the principle
> and low necklines, he has a fetish with loafers; mom insults everyone;
> visit Sandy and Gary and they are asleep on the floor, house, shed, tree,
> lawn all newly painted a patchy green; they come out and race to mailbox.
> I'm carrying a heavy bag of garbage. Two girls lasso each end of a
> helicopter which they're pulling on.
>
> See Julie Sundevil and friends in People's Park in the vacant lot in Iowa
> City downtown. Isaac had haircut. One woman giving parking tickets to
> her friends. I hurry to see if I got one; parked by gas station, they'd
> put papers all over car advertising shocks, etc. One sign said, wait,
> check this before you close it -- they had taken some things apart as a
> test -- gas cap off (located by front wheel), air filter off; then Pat
> Dooley says, "the oil said full but I'm putting in another can anyway"
> spills it all over, won't stop, it runs out top. I'm amazed that he'd do
> that, have to siphon it out. [Julie Sundevil moved in to the marina in
> anther trailer shortly after this dream. Woman in apt building in 2000
> put too much oil in her car and it was smoking and I drove past and sw her
> with the apt manager helping her.] [Rambler only lasted a few more years
> -- frame bent.]
>

> 1975
>
> The Daycare Years 1974-1978
>
> Dream that there were a lot of cattle feeders in Roy Stewart's cornfield.
> [That was where I saw the cigar shaped UFO -- they abduct cattle and
> mutilate them -- cut off udders and cut out sex organs.] Woman says she'd
> rather call her mother than a Japanese guy about a house because she can
> whisper to her mother. I suggest going to the Japanese guy's trailer,
> I'll go with.
>
> My sister and I driving home from somewhere - her car is running and a
> dress she had cleaned (pink formal) is on the floor. I pick it up. Pat
> Casteel rides with her. I ride with Linda and Nancy Arnold. Their car
> pulls to the left, a tree fell on it and it tried to jump out of the way,
> everything rushed to the left. A dark haired girl and I fight for the
> hair dryer. I'm working somewhere and find a letter Dad wanted sent to
> his tax man as well as a request to find a place to live. One is, change
> seven brownies to one. I try calling and operator says, you're so rude,
> is that part of your job? I say, yes. Then she reads another rule off
> the wall. Then I go in the other room and there is the lawyer. I ask if
> he can make the changes and he says it isn't too late, but is illegal.
> His father checks his work. I ask him to check it anyway. He asks if I'm
> coming to the meeting - I'm part of a group doing something for the
> community.
>
> Julie Sundevil comes over and asks if I'm coming to their house. We go in
> a huge blue trailer with other people. They start a war with a town --
> people shooting everywhere -- little girl that shoots when you're in the
> way. Man takes the gun from Julie, who is shooting out the door -- asks
> how many hits, she says eight -- he asks how many were horses. Man climbs
> in with a small handgun and is going to shoot me, then he's going to throw
> himself out backwards and drag me with him. Then it is over. Our group
> goes to their movie and I leave down a trail. Cop yells at me, white car
> hiding behind a bush with a bandit type dark guy and girl -- asks if I did
> something. The next car they stop has rich black people who pay them,
> they were candy makers. Snow trail beside this trail, which has become
> rutted. Pass "stove houses".
>
> Group of people grind lots of grain so money is not important. A mean man
> comes who demands chicken and duck. The man, who has two kids, a girl and
> a boy, works digging post holes close together in parallel lines across a
> field. There is a lot of water -- I say they'll rot off quickly. Gayle
> Sands says maybe they expect them to grow.
>
> I am in Van Meter. There are more and more young men in blue jeans who
> are looking for work. I am supposed to babysit at 8:00 and a half hour
> before realize I don't know where they live -- but it's in Madison County.
> Call the operator, there are burned nickels and dimes on the shelf left by
> men calling for jobs. The operator is very old. She says Winterset has
> been moved and the phone numbers are in transit. I am very upset but she
> can't or won't help. I remember that Judy (Libonitz in the dream) knows
> her but when I look under Van Meter the only person with that name is a
> foreigner who runs a daycare. Her phone number is Winterset also, it is
> prestige.
>
> I change a baby's diaper -- it is a very happy, smiling baby. At the
> stove a young man is eating potato chips. The baby begins eating them.
> I'm wearing a wrap around dress. I talk to a woman on the phone about
> "the other woman" - the woman in his dreams, very upset. Then I go home
> and a blond woman with two kids comes with me. We take the stairs, not
> elevator. Man is asleep. We talk about men in dreams. She says, hammer,
> phallic symbol (the only words they say.) She stays in our extra room, I
> leave them alone to rest, and she asks me if I want the calendar of nude
> men as I leave.
>
> A man appears to be going to stab another man in the back -- I grab his
> arm and it is a wooden knife. Then he menaces me. I take the knife and
> menace him. Then I look over a balcony and there is a mother rabbit made
> of plastic pieces and the baby rabbits knock her pieces apart. I ask, how
> can they get back together? Man asks if I will do some voodoo and if I
> remember the song he sang (Gregorian chant, I guess) once. I tell him I
> couldn't understand the words and can't remember the music. We go to the
> barn and there are horses inside -- two with tattoos. The woman cares for
> them while traveling around S America canning them. I don't understand.
> Then I'm standing on top of some dominoes with horses facing in on each
> side -- like a wedding and a lot of saddles sitting around. I go up the
> ramp/chute. There are horses up there too, filling the whole room. I get
> on a saddle and find myself suspended in space and I can't get down.
> There is a girl in the room, dark hair, and they leave and forget their
> deodorant. It is a beaker of yellow liquid.
>
> A man backs away from a bear - throws a big rock and side steps when it
> charges. It gets in the house. He wins a prize. Then the bear is in my
> house. I go upstairs because it probably doesn't know how to open doors
> -- it is grazing. Hear door open -- decide to crawl out window and down
> ladder. Ladder falls over when I'm half way down. At a concert, I have
> on only a blouse with a muff pocket -- go and pick up my underpants. I
> and another girl are sitting on a grand piano -- I move to the bench. A
> little girl asks me why sometimes I'm beautiful and sometimes ugly. Then
> I'm at Dumdum -- mealtime. A mother calls and asks what kids are eating.
> She doesn't want Sally to eat any salad because she has been shitting the
> bed. I want her to eat the salad. The mother says, "roll a joint" in the
> background. We are both confused. The food keeps changing and I try to
> list off what we're serving. A boy keeps taking out a man's cock and
> playing with it -- says, doesn't it look like a baby? etc. I have to go
> around the table wiping off all their cocks under the table -- one has
> white stuff, one an erection, last two are very young. I do it very
> quickly. When I come back all the kids live with us and have been outside
> alone. Take them somewhere -- Mom gets out to go to the creek and we all
> follow, everyone is planting things along its wall like banks. Someone
> draws the dark haired woman next to me -- line drawing side view with only
> the eyes filled in, they are a very beautiful shape. Then they draw me.
> I have short curly hair, big boobs, big mouth, singing.
>
> A young man with curly blond hair and a lot of old men around a bathroom.
> Young one goes in, man gives the old ones milk cans to use around back.
> Women go in after awhile saying, Oedipus, Oedipus. I say, Euripides and
> am corrected. No one in there. In the trailer, there is a furnace behind
> the bed behind a glass wall and you can see the ashes down there. We both
> got metal sandals for Christmas, go for a walk. A lot of people eating at
> a table where two old maids and their two kids - a 12 year old girl and a
> 2 year old girl are eating ice cream with flaked chocolate topping. They
> talk about their independence. The girl says, with me as a babysitter.
> The little girl seems very nice, well-behaved. A little girl wants
> Mayasa's ear-rings. I tell her they don't come off. Then she wants her
> shoes. Their shoes are alike on the heels -- green and silver glitter,
> but the tops are different. I tell Pat Dooley about how the old men had
> to go around the back with milk cans. He asked how they were dressed --
> very shabby? Yes. He says, that's because I'm cavalry and they were the
> peasants rounded up to be the infantry.
>
> I am on the hill by the fence, a man comes with his dog and drops the dog
> on a group of baby rabbits. I encourage them to come through the fence.
> The dog chases the mother. A mean cat rushes up and bites my hand --
> fastens on. I hold its throat, then find out that if I step on it, it
> turns into a book. The guy comes looking for his cat but I want to keep
> it and don't tell him I'm standing on it. Then it begins not to work to
> stand on it.
>
> I give Dave Morice 65 cents to pay for his, Pat's, Suzanne's food. I want
> a pickle but it's sweet -- very big and yellow. I come back later to take
> care of two little boys whose parents have died. Pat, Suzanne and I are
> walking with Jake, he leans against my back as I walk, he is tired. He
> says we should rest in the snow and runs very fast to the top of the hill.
> Then Pat says we all can run. I can't, crawl to keep up, near top. Pat
> holds the top with her fingers and tries to pull herself up, I help her.
>
> In a place where little kids are raised. White cowboy hats, people appear
> to be packing or conspiring. I hear two little girls talking, one says,
> it's okay here, you can do anything you want except read the newspaper. I
> ask her if they can watch TV. she says, we can't talk to adults either.
> I knock down one of the teacher/guards, then come back and try to sneak
> out one very small boy who is very rebellious. He struggles but I hold
> him in my hands until he goes limp. I ask him if he wants to go with me
> and he says, maybe. I take him in a room with oxygen masks and when
> someone looks in pretend to be relying on them, but the toys don't float
> like there's no gravity, one floats. I knock the kid out by smothering
> him, he is big now, he is asleep, I put the oxygen mask on him and leave.
>
> Sandy (Dodson) dream -- I (Sheila) swimming in a pool naked -- she says to
> get out -- crocodile. I jump out 10 feet with one bound and land on the
> bank. Then I run full speed up a mountain -- she runs after me because a
> leopard is chasing me. There is also a python which we avoid. She can't
> catch me.
>
> Jessica's dream (five years old, Maureen's daughter) -- A guy who had a
> pan said, do you want this pan - pan made rocks. All the kids stepped
> into the deep river and drowned and they came back. Pied Piper man leads
> all the Dumdum kids to a bridge over the river, there is a whirlpool
> below, the kids jump in, later the man brings them out again on the bank.
> My mom, Russ and I were cats but we ate people food and we had a stove and
> counter and refrigerator. Bongo our real cat were the baby cats. We were
> all different colors and designs and stripes. then we were sitting around
> a campfire and we caught on fire. Then we went to Dumdum and Dumdum
> caught on fire.
>
> At a swimming pool. Indian girl is showing people National Geographic.
> Large gold fish swim in the pool behind her. Then on the side, carp are
> jumping out of the pool and over the fence and landing in a large pile.
> Allan and Cinda are there and Allan calls out a name and throws a painting
> over the fence like a fish. Gives others to me. Man giving a lecture
> -- he has a book and I try to write down the title and author but forget
> too fast. The author is Dodge. I see Nin on shelf.
>
> Walking down an unfamiliar road with a man who gets ahead. I call and he
> gets mad. The house is on an unfamiliar street and you have to park far
> away and walk to it. I walk on alone and begin seeing things -- a huge
> box of tomatoes on its side in a field, a pile of rotten tomatoes. We had
> taken LSD earlier. I can't find my way home. There are other people. We
> hear planes, a war sound. Voice, they've dropped the bomb. We hear a
> huge noise, smell burning. I feel like we should cry for the world -- no
> one says anything. Then there is a very long earthquake. I run over the
> ground, which is moving around, start down a road with my sister. We
> decide to hide in the woods -- she climbs through a fence which is bent
> down -- many have, this registers as bad --directly ahead a clearing where
> men live, Robin Hood style. We run back to the road, there is a large
> group of women. In this place, the women get the roads, the men get the
> rest. The men can't hurt us. We start off in good spirits.
>
> I am in a building with food -- pass all kinds of bad foods -- donuts,
> jelly, ice cream. I come to a hallway in which the ceiling has been
> dropped to mid-thigh level. I consider whether to go over or under and go
> under. I crawl down the hall -- a sign says that people have tried to
> walk down the hall, but the easiest way is to crawl. Another girl comes
> down the hall -- taller than me and dark haired. she walks and I ask how
> she did it and she says she pushed a couple of boards aside that kept you
> from standing up. She then starts vacuuming my kitchen rug and I tell her
> my vacuum cleaner works good. She says, it has a hose just like mine,
> which I love, that's why I don't like it.
>
> Jason (4), another boy and I are swimming down a long road of water. The
> water is a very beautiful blue. We come upon dolphins at frequent
> intervals. They are shades of blue and white. Voice, they all move a
> certain distance, 150 miles, around the world. We begin guessing where
> they came from and the guy corrects us. The last one we guess is Thailand
> and we can't think of an answer for the next one. After awhile we begin
> meeting other groups of two little boys. I decide to leave Jason behind
> because he can join another group. He turns blue like the dolphins when
> he takes off his clothes and is slow putting them back on. In the water
> are runways made of ice.
>
> I'm working in a junk store and the owner is moving mannequins. He lies
> down and orders me to move them. I do -- putting them on top of him and
> he yells that it hurts, their hands. Then we sort a pile of coats (other
> helpers too) most of them are burgundy raincoats. I also milk a cow. Two
> women come in and want burgundy raincoats. They had a dream they bought
> them. They want to buy the buttons.
>
> I am in the cab of a truck with a man with curly dark hair. We are having
> an interesting conversation, which cleans off the windshield. I get out.
> There's another man outside the truck -- has something to do with waiting
> to be waited on. When I get out the man out there says he's leaving (come
> back later) and is frothing at the mouth.
>
> I am at work -- I talk while people are trying to take a test - I
> apologize. My boss, Sally, comes out and says not to feel bad anymore.
> While I'm talking the left side of my face gets paralyzed. I go to Mom's
> -- there is a hole in the freezer and the food is all thawed. I do
> something to some guy and then run down to the basement. My sister puts
> on a show for the kids with a magnet, have to find steel. The kids find a
> box of nails. She borrowed my spider. I get it back -- it clings to my
> finger but I'm afraid it's biting me. I put it in its cage, round clear
> plastic. I'm developing pictures, there's a little wrong with all of
> them. there is a young woman tutoring Japanese kids -- she's doing very
> well.
>
> My family walks through a storeline building. We are on our way to supper
> in this model place and all chose things to take with us. Mom chooses a
> red plastic ice bucket. I choose books. Then we go in, stopping first at
> a pen where a little kid is kept and fed lettuce. He climbs out, the mud
> is very deep. We pass a dump where there is a whole pile of winter coats.
> We get a tiny trailer on a tiny lot, Sandy, Gary, Shirley come. Man who
> sells real estate. I eat candy and Dad chases me and says he wanted to
> disown me in 71 becasue I didn't know what Republican meant. Mom had a
> son but her husband and his father took him away in their Cadillac (said
> she was unfit). Later she had a daughter. We drive down a street and
> traffic is very fast and close. A car with a boat passes within inches.
> Three women (including me) do something and a man puts sugary cereal on
> the ground by us so ants will come and get up. The other two women just
> sit there resigned and I brush the ants off them. None, or few get on me.
> A big dog. My sister decides to lock it up -- I help her -- behind a
> split refrigerator door, the bottom door. We hold it awhile against the
> dog -- door bowed out -- then sneak away. I walk on my knees because my
> shoes are loud. We are going to sleep in the car where the dog can't get
> us but when we get there, it has a blanket for a roof. I'm gettind
> dressed in a mirror -- long white skirt that turns out to be tight white
> jeans -- not becoming. Changes to knee length black gathered skirt with
> blue roses on it. I wonder if it should be shorter. A guy with short
> hair appears. I say, go jack off, you jack off. He calls me a $2 whore.
> He says, what do you think I was doing.
>
> On a ship. We throw all the sailors overboard -- one says the water is
> cold. He has dark, curly hair, muscular and tanned. They hold him just
> above the water and then bring him back into the boat -- he would be a
> good lover. Gold coin on the ground, INTERPRET DREAMS was on the ground.
> Dad and others decide to put a light on the top of our car because it is
> hard to see. People from outer space -- knew because man spilled milk on
> himself. Says he already knows how to swing -- squeezes between two women
> at the far side. I hear a cow outside. This time it is normal size. I'm
> afraid it will look in and see me. Man says he doesn't love me anymore, I
> say I don't love him either. There is a thin level of desert over the
> river -- cows lying on it. A mess. Cut on my cheek, I put oatmeal on it.
> Mannequins of men with waist length hair. I have one mannequin which is
> wet.
>
> My mother and I do chores for Gram H. I feed the wild rabbits -- they ate
> all the cat tails and it looks like fall. I pick two breadpans of wild
> oats -- green and put them on the small hillock because of floods. Then
> it's time to leave, I ask Mom if she needs any help. She's grouchy and
> asks a cow, do you want to come in now? I milk a cow with a large calf --
> calf keeps me away, so I put it in a fence, it runs very fast and happy.
> Cow is worried, I say, don't worry, the field is fenced, it'll come back.
> I see movie marquee, word STERLING on sidewalk. A kid and I go on a long
> journey on a hayrack to his house, very bumpy. It goes by itself buy has
> to be speeded up every once in awhile. We go there twice, second time
> shortcut through someone's house with a fireplace. Betty Thompson's
> house. Her boyfriend Wayne is there, gathering popcorn. We were
> gathering corn.
>
> Julie is talking on the phone -- bad feeling. People say she has a mean
> cat, witch. But she's a male cat. People doubt it catches mice -- it
> throws a mouse at the window fan then picks off the pieces and eats them.
> Julie comes in -- tall, slim, brown hair, hugs me, says she's going to
> medical school. [Julie is redhead like me.]
>
> Dumdum, Jerry has to quit for his education and law courses. An older
> woman is talking to him. I have to talk to a man about a job. Greg gets
> mad -- he digs a post hole. I yell at him, why now? he yells back that
> water swirls and a little boy falls in -- which has strawberry stuff. I
> take him and some of the kids for a bath, get into the water myself. A
> man comes in but I'm so fast he doesn't see me undressing. I live at
> Dumdum. Potluck, people come, I have a big pot. Voice, everyone can take
> their clothes off if they want to. One woman is a foot tall. I look
> around and only the women have taken off their clothes. Jim has blue
> shorts over his head so he can't see. I put my clothes back on. People
> come in carrying food and they all put it in the same pot. Everyone is in
> a circle. You take orange pills yourself for worms and give yellow ones
> to other people. A man and woman on the other side of the bed, I'm
> jealous. I go to a house. A man comes to the door, says, haven't you
> forgiven, then okay, he follows me into the fog carrying a girl in his
> arms. Brenda moves out and leaves her furniture -- large pyramids, don't
> know the use.
>
> Go to a concert -- which is behind a diner. I want to stay for the next
> performance but don't have enough money. Another man (Dan type) and I
> stay in the lobby hoping to see some when we remember that there is an
> electrical shock or field in the floor and front stairs. We fly out the
> door and try to jump off the porch. I can't move and he jumps and is
> caught in mid-air. A woman comes out and shows us how to get the
> stiffness out of our backs -- she and the man stand on their heads. Other
> people are lounging in the lobby now.
>
> Pat Casteel sitting on a round white footstool riding in a bus. I am
> facing towards the back -- my legs are spread. She frowns. When we get
> out, I say we should tie the little kid to a seat in the bus because it
> might get run over and then how would we feel. Maureen says she'll tell me
> her secret if I tell her mine. Woman listening on small ledge outside.
> Maureen moves across the room, tells story, her first boyfriend was so
> mean no one liked him but her. I get a letter about a job -- Calif. I'll
> have to work full-time, but it's really part-time. Mattress stacked on
> end with tassels, two beds in the corner with boots sitting all over on
> the floor. We go look at a house -- the floor plan is the same as another
> house we've seen. The woman tells the problems -- hundreds of mosquitoes
> coming out of the flower pots. Man has a crush on me, he goes to bed then
> keeps coming back and looking at me out of the TV set, says, flirting
> mama. I say, son. I lay out Tarot cards, in rows. First read them for
> neighbor lady. She picks them up very quickly, the man's also, a girl is
> already in the corner asking him who's the dark angel who's blocking your
> feeling. I try to lay the cards back out and at first they're familiar --
> the King of Pentacles, and then they become different -- 7 of boots, 10 of
> mattresses. The woman points out the tassels on the mattresses -- I get
> the idea they are for rabbis. One has gold lettering on it. [Sep 76 we
> moved to Calif, the house in Lawndale looked just like the cabins at the
> marina in Iowa, I got a job part time at a daycare, the floor was cracked
> and when it rained incessantly in 78 water came in and we had to set the
> mattress up against the wall.]
>
> I go through the neighbor's cabin. They have moved. The first rooms are
> completely bare. then a few things are left -- very narrow men's and
> women's shoes. Then there are whole rooms of stuff and I realize they
> haven't finished moving. Dad asks someone to mow the lawn if they have
> time and want the money -- Terri Rinard does it. I see a weed with leaves
> like tables and ask if it can stay. I'm sewing a dress for Shirley, take
> it in the house. Mom is arguing with Shirley and Sandy, says, not now.
> tt is about going to college. Only two tough steaks left. Mom runs a junk
> store -- takes us there and lets us pick something. Shirley wants a
> planter. I see glass chairs and table but they're $30. I find one of my
> old dresses, say, you never know when you'll find one of your old dresses
> or if it'll fit. Took stuff to the car - took a long time to put it all
> in. Were expecting the sun to rise any time but it stayed dark. [Sheila
> Kelly took a job as a social worker in a small town church and opened a
> thrift shop. Her sisters and housemates always made her drive and called
> her "Mom".]
>
> At work at the Grad College, Sally Staley comes in about bowling on Friday
> or Saturday. Woman shows gold invitation, gold ring, banquet. [Sally
> took the thesis checkers to lunch when I quit to go to Calif.] Steve and
> I in beds at right angles, each with our own partner. I kiss mine -- Paul
> Ingram, then it strikes me and I stand up and he melts into the bed, very
> bad tempered. I don't like it. He says, it's not so bad, we never talk.
> Pat Dooley teaching a girl yoga in the middle of a field. He comes over
> and says someone hit him in the eye. I say, it wasn't me, I was over
> here, you must have hit it on the ground. A group asks me if I want to go
> to a club. I'm carrying a pile of books.
>
> I go through an empty house. Racing a man -- he goes right, I go left
> even though I think it's the wrong way. Looking for a refrigerator. I
> find a room -- see tall, thin, dark hair nice young girl. She says, you
> found me. She tells me about an herb that starts with a + or -. Greg and
> friends have a baby girl they found who is newborn. they are taking her to
> an orphanage. I wonder if I should keep her. I hold her to my chest and
> wonder how she'll turn out. My sister and I are at a place -- swimming
> pool. I go to the bathroom. A man asks how much of the veneering we have
> done -- we work for him. I don't think we work for him. In bathroom the
> stalls are very narrow -- you are wedged in. I feel helpless -- the walls
> are only waist high. A tough guy walks by -- a high school hero.
>
> I go upstairs to dress. Dad and Grampa yell to come down. I stand up to
> them and Dad explains it's because the food is ready. I look out the
> window, twilight, a gorup of women and very tiny kids chasing animals down
> the road -- whipping furiously when any run back -- a piece of paper blows
> back. I pick it up -- it tells about something interesting happening at
> night. A race -- Sandy the engine pulling me on a skate or surfboard.
> there are three contenders - boy who got a late start catching up, go
> through lettered gates. I lose the skateboard and go through the "A"
> inches ahead of the next. There is a controversy whether they won or we
> did. They are still intact on their skateboard. Then the third group
> arrives, they win because they caught a fish. A very small white catfish
> about four inches long hooked through the gill. Shaped like a sunfish.
> The judge removes the hook, says, this is very important even though it
> hurt the fish -- got very big when he took it out. I am staying in a
> place -- several people in one bed -- man who refuses to type the first
> pages of theses, turns out to be Jerry. I say I'll do it, afraid he'll be
> violent. Three old men leave the bed. I'm taking care of a baby. Man
> says, Jerry really likes you, doesn't he? Angry, jealous. [Jerry was in
> love with Dumdum and made the kids call him Uncle Jerry, until he got
> worms and then he had to take a sabbatical to think things out] I go into
> Jean's house, look at my stuffed elephant on shelf -- it says Milk
> Quarterly on one side, picture of trees on the other and picture of a man,
> woman and baby, naked with long brown hair on the thin side of the
> elephant. Two boys are taking baby -- it is dark. I fasten him in --
> tell where gloves are. I have worked out the best way of doing these.
> Look in the eyes -- look in car headlights from back.
>
> I am at Dumdum. A hive appears on my left wrist - very smooth and round
> with about five layers. Then my right wrist, square and like a piece of
> cake. Square like nouget on my left index, 8-10 inches tall -- clear with
> pretty things embedded. Woman takes it and puts it in a round glass china
> closet. I say, it's my finger, it'll probably melt. It does, but the
> liquid wax comes from ceiling and falls into a small hole in the center of
> a lamp filled with wax. [I got a planters wart on my index finger and
> hives or shingles on my elbows and wrists.]
>
> Terri Rinard, another girl and I win a free house. It develops in front
> of us -- four bedrooms arranged around a circle and squares to the sides.
> All connected, brown ranch style with patios arranged around an open area.
> We park, lots of cars. I look around at what plants there are and where
> gardens could go. We go in and see the hidden drawbacks -- there are two
> little kids, cranky. In the first bedroom there are two rows of beds,
> couples in the first three or four beds on the left side. [Steve's dream
> the same night. We got a new house, yellowish, ranch style. Little kids
> invaded and took over -- oldest one 14, smallest 2. Steve began
> handcuffing them 2 boys, 8 years old, back to back -- handcuffs on most of
> them. Started spanking a 2 year old boy -- his sister jeering because he
> was getting spanked -- he had shit his pants.
>
> I am walking through Van Meter -- down a road that's new. First are nice
> houses -- one has large things, windows?, that look like huge TVs. Owner
> gets nasty because I'm standing on his lawn. There are large trailer
> courts -- one with trailers along the railroad tracks.
>
> Girls in a room -- when a new girl comes in, the first one describes the
> plan to her and then the new girl kills her. Mom shows me blood clots in
> the cream (like in eggs) -- this means a man was killed. It is something
> to eat -- I don't think I can eat it. There are two movies, one with a
> long line -- Japanese. People have different classifications -- mine is
> A-. Has something to do with what time you came stamped on your ticket.
> We wait on a kind of platform.
>

> We are in Madison -- I look over a list of courses. I'm on a date with a
> man who says, we don't have much to say to each other, do we. It is a
> weekend date, we just met. Dad comes in and wants someone to drive him
> somewhere - my date volunteers. I cry and cry, go shopping, roses
> everywhere. Barn, people milking, I help. So you're not waiting for me
> -- I'm waiting for you (song). I wanted to tell my date my plans -- to go
> back to college.
>
> In a laundromat with my family -- we're gypsies. There is a vending
> machine for things. I have a new dress that fits a little girl. I have a
> lot of clothes. The man in the control booth is Bob. A man comes - to
> catch foreigners - my two sisters run - I try to bluff, then run. We
> crawl through a field. The man finally gets ahead of us and threatens to
> pour a bottle of pop on my sisters. They ask if they should run for the
> hayfield. I say yes but he has a gun - Shirley points me up. He has a
> gun now - he shoots me in the head. It's a blank, but I feel something,
> he shoots again into my body. On a hillside, a man wants to pull down his
> daughter's pants and show a white mark, she cries. He shows another pair
> instead. A poor girl brings out several huge stuffed animals the
> community bought for her. She doesn't want to take them all the way back.
>
>
> With a group of women -- special services at a hospital -- also serving
> pizza. Ginna there -- elevator tips to rear, no door or door open there.
> Women have meeting and decide to protest -- squirt whipcream all over
> halls, also a chemical that isn't supposed to be used. I take one,
> doesn't work at first, then afraid of being arrested. Women march by at
> the head of (or disrupting) a beauty contest. Say one can is missing.
> Man zeroes in on can, which I'm holding and trying to hide, tapping on
> stool (hiding in bathroom). Policemen to my left is a drug addict and
> doesn't want to catch me (degenerates as dream goes on), I drop the can
> and he pushes it back to me quickly.
>
> I'm in bed with my two sisters, Jess comes in, then Pat, crowded. I go to
> get a chair outside -- my back hurts -- a tall woman is sitting in the
> rocking chair on the corner. It is at school. A little girl is sitting
> in a smaller rocker near the door -- they are both waiting for their
> mother, she's late because it's her birthday. I ask if I can have the
> little girl's chair. The mother comes, the little girl's chair has a
> price tag. Pat has moved close to Shirley reading a book, goes to the
> bathroom quickly when I come in. Pat and two women are visiting, I get
> tired and take off my clothes in the living room -- down to bra and pants
> -- go in to take a bath, but don't shut door. Blood on my leg -- try to
> close it various ways.
>
> All teh women at work in a large building. The men come to work once --
> the women are all happy. Go down to basement eating candy -- roller skate
> ahead of other women, my legs are bigger than theirs. Stop at a snowbank
> -- there is a white mouse/rabbit which hides its baby in a snowbank when a
> small curly dog is there. The rabbit gets behind me adn pushes on teh
> backs of my legs (the dog picked the baby up in its lips but didnt' hurt
> it). I begin to be worried about being in the middle. The rabbit comes
> out and kisses the dog on the nose.
>
> I'm at Van Meter school -- suddenly decide to wade through water -- it
> gets deeper towards the door on the left. Go up in a little cave and
> listen to music. Other people start to walk by -- girls in red plaid
> coats and black hats playing a ball-game against girls in black coats. I
> decide to get down -- trouble with the ladder. My younger sister has to
> carry me down. I find wet clothes another sister didn't dry and yell at
> her. She also has to bring down the record player. Go into building,
> refrigerator door closes behind me. Look in farther, her mother-in-law,
> Joyce and other women are cutting out dresses. It is a co-op. A girl in
> an empty house with shade by it -- I say hello to her.
>
> My parents are camped far in the woods, we go -- Ieave the sewing machine
> on the basketball court. The hills are very steep but small -- as high as
> a person's head. We jump into the valleys because there might be hunters
> shooting. Finally we reach a big hill -- go down to the camp. There are
> tents, a fire that has been going a long time, pile of black coals.
> There's a post with a small fire (dead) in it which is a way station --
> keep you warm. Dad is giving a speech about himself and is passing around
> his thesis. Some anniversary. While he is talking, I pick dead leaves
> off the coffee tree and eat pie my mother made with mashed potatoes in it
> that doesn't taste very good. I am eating my dessert first, chicken on my
> plate.
>
> I go to the dairy along interstate 80. I go in with a full bottle of milk
> and drop it in the door. The milk doesn't run out even though the bottle
> breaks. Then I don't have enough money and go get $5 and ask the dairy
> owner, Mr. Moss, for soemthing to clean up the milk. He tells me that in
> February he is hiring someone to be a salesman. I see a sign on the
> blackboard, "doctor or anyone". I say that it probably would suit me.
> Then he gives me a check and his name is embossed in it and it is not
> Moss. Several other people have been offered jobs meanwhile. Pat Dooley
> is there and he leaves when I do and I see him later on a scooter -- going
> down hill his girlfriend is on the back but going uphill they each have
> their own scooter.

> 1975 continued
>
> Part a long ways away. German Shepherd jumps down from fence, gets in
> door. I yell at her, Maureen pets her, Gayle lays on her. Everyone lies
> down on floor, no more room. Girl comes in who was cleaning chicken
> house, paper bags on feet. In living room, my blue dress around my waist,
> I pull it down, go outside. Everyone waiting for food -- farmhouse,
> brick, leaning, a National Monument. I go in another door and am upstairs
> -- first room ironing, second kitchen, third beautiful dresses drying on
> line. I hold up one and it turns from orange to blue. Three naked girls
> and one boy come up to me. They have a red lower back. Becky Allen is
> the leader -- tells me to help clean houses with them. I had to clean all
> but one. I ask others in the group and one points to lines of poetry. I
> read them, read porno -- girl in carfull of boys is torn apart -- her name
> is Liz Bett. She has a bald head. Never get to the master bedroom of the
> house. Uncle Jim - father is waiting - he says the Butcher, get
> downstairs, pig crowd. man asks if we have numbers. No puts us in like
> man takes my Culpepper book, puts it in plastic bag and it turns into
> potato chips. walking down road, people who had to keep track of cars.
> Do you know about your wife and six kids. [Uncle Jim's son, Bobby killed
> in car accident 1-2-82 driving back to Kelly Air Force Base. Driving
> about 90 on a curvy, icy road, sideswiped a van. Only he was killed.]
>
> Upstairs - a roomful of cavemen. Two think they will be eaten next. Then
> run downstairs. Others have to put on coats and argue quite awhile about
> it. Gary Smith stands in doorway saying, what about your coat? Brings
> back Sunday paper finally and all start reading it. One of two comes back
> for coat. I throw it down -- I am only woman.
>
> At Mom's house. I get in car -- there are three bucket seats and I sit in
> the middle one, kids start towards the car -- they have to run because I'm
> down the driveway. Then I yell, com on, we'll leave you -- they run back.
> I go after them -- capture some little kids and put them in car, then go
> after big ones. Two women go with me. Going up hill, a flock of white
> birds comes very close -- I crawl through grass. There is another house
> at the top. We begin taking down curtains and pictures and packing them.
> A spokesman comes and asks if I'm talking to kids. I go into room -- they
> are bigger than I am. I say, they have the right to decide their own
> life, but the little kids should stay with their families or the house I
> run.
>
> Itemized life. Girl living with ghost. Real man there and ghost bites or
> pinches her on the calf. Man tells her to run and get help, she cries on
> the bed. Girl and I in a store with a big slide -- leave. Waiting for
> store to open, by HyVee -- old woman whose house we want. Dirt road,
> truck is there. Kids -- they rush in through gate like pigs. Jason lying
> in corner, dirt floor, herding them. Walking through rain towards place,
> Pat, drenched, white stuff (salt or snow), Greg walks by him, talk about
> money, says I love you. Get to place and note from Greg on wall to Marge
> and I about money dated March. [it is July 3rd.]
>
> Little tiny house. I concentrate on it to see if it will look bigger.
> Drainpipe looks normal size. Somebody or thing pushes me up the hill. At
> the top (dark) is the red cow and calf. Cow rushes me -- I fall aside and
> miss head. She runs over the top of me but doesn't step on me. I lay
> very still, wave hand at her. Cow comes back and looks at me, then goes
> away. I remember having dreams -- first about a red calf, then a red cow.
> Go back over hill, light now -- lots of people. There are coliseum type
> seats all down the hill - a farmer and his son near top. I have on an
> army shirt with a white sweater under --girl says white sweaters tend to
> get darker, by experience at least. No bra. I switch them around, have
> on new pants -- in square brick room with blanket on ledge. Jake down
> there. Sweater and pants have been sewn down, sweater wrong side out.
> Hear Allan talking about his dream about the red cow. Find out man and
> boy have been arrested. Mother asks if I'll have breakfast with her and
> Dad and talk about religion. Julie, Annie, Lois living in rabbit hutches.
> Might still be on Julie and Peggy's commune outside Duluth.
>
> Mike married to Becky Allan -- both grad students. Lucille leaves, look
> at Mike's blue sheet (he says he thinks he's behind), natural sciences, no
> grades. Allan Kornblum in a turban selling pink shirts with pink roses.
> Old woman rushes up, says "you poets." A cat, either crippled or carrying
> something runs and catches a mouse -- very bloody. Long bike ride - Pat
> Casteel.
> My moccasins falling apart. Poetry reading, Betty Thompson there, quoted
> a poem of mine -- Mending, ended with a guy who'd been hit over the head
> and didn't know it. Bikes, ice cream, boys dorm with fireworks -- very
> elaborate, parachutes falling sometimes. I go outside, snow, but the snow
> is warm. Mom's house after poetry reading. Dad in front room, shirt off,
> has stereo. Mom sleeping in third, very polite and nice, looks like
> dreams written down. I would ride bike to work the next day. I flush the
> toilet and the tank flushes, but not the bowl.
>
> Man with paddle boat starts engine and leaves into mist. Very large flat
> boats with powerful engines vroom up and stop on dimes. Our car -- I wish
> could go on water and it does -- it is a convertible. Then rowboat, try
> to row inside culvert, but can't. Grouchy man. I put boat on head like
> veil and carry it on land. Fish in a plastic bag, disappear. Scorpions
> aren't dangerous because have five legs. At grandma's -- playing tag, I'm
> dressed very ugly -- Pat grabs and hugs me. I have go to the bathroom.
> Later, Shirley says she's going to join a group of people to get Pat away
> from his mother (she's never met him.) I can bend down so far that I can
> touch my nose on the ground -- also raise my legs so slow, no strain. But
> wind is blowing and I can't get up.
>
> Mean guy grabs girl. Older man with her fingers gun hanging on the wall.
> Mean guy shoots him in leg. Two cops come, one shot. Lots of cops --
> mean guy and girl lovers now --girl is smarter. Guy keeps saying, give me
> money now (blond crew cut). They have a stove buy no fuel -- full to the
> top with burning newspapers. Cops gather. Mean guy wakes up. A black
> woman unrolling a tapestry in the door asks if he wants the cops to bring
> in their "big gun" -- he says yes -- cops file in, half are girls, they
> have to go first and then the other half, who are big bruiser men on small
> wooden tricycles. I look at Tarot cards, which have something to do with
> five pieces of wood the cops have. Two black people with a bed in their
> backseat arrive and I take them to the theater manager -- it is a play. A
> girl angry about her double. Girl locked in her room -- I throw her a
> crayon. A line of people that need catheters - they can't talk. A long
> table with people feuding, kids hide under table and sneak out the end.
> Man with his hand in my purse - I sense him, turn around, we talk. Three
> people do armed hold up-- Morty Sklar. Bad guy comes around -- wants
> friends. I steal his gun and camera -- shoot gun, bullets are invisible.
> Dumdum -- I yell at people for all working at the same time, little kid
> like duck beside me.
>
> Girl (my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend) and I decide to have a lesbian
> affair at the grad college, where you go to get rooms. I walk in naked
> except for underpants. Terri is secretary and Shelley had been for a
> short time but is replaced by someone named "Sue." Old man there. We
> leave (I say we could have done it at home). Girlfriend puts her clothes
> on right away. I wrap in blanket, came without clothes. Terri follows to
> say something about Shelley, I give back blanket. Girlfriend stops at
> machine for free pop and donuts. I talk about Shelley -- didn't see her
> whole time she was there. An older woman comes and I talk to her -- a
> reprieve so I don't have to have this affair. Small boy following me, I'm
> pulling a wagon. Snow, I get snow in my right boot. We see dead cow,
> check notch in ear to see whose it was, either dodo or bobo -- the baby
> already grown up. Cow gets up, we try to put away. Now there are four
> kids and a horse is running towards us. I tell kids to hide behind trees.
> Two hide on opposite sides of one tree - horse has to see one of them.
> The horse goes on by -- like a car. [11/1/91 -- Chinese grad student
> kills four physics professors over his thesis in a freak early blizzard at
> the U of Iowa.]
>
> Greg has shoes that make him even taller -- high heels. I did part of the
> books, they are way off. Cindy (Dumdum mother) very friendly. Talks
> about how she fell down, got gummed up. I think, oh, no, VD again. One
> of the cabins open, I look around, very nice, large, turn TV on -- have to
> screw in a tube. All marked, when leave, one tube gone. When leave, all
> tubes stuck in my skirt. Two trailers, big one and little one, connected
> by a shed. I suddenly know that I have to get started on something. I
> throw a pen on a flat surface, man picks it up and puts it by the
> flashlight. [After we moved into the cabin, I had a pain in one ovary and
> had surgery -- ended up with one "tube".]

> 1975 continued
>
> In grocery store, Betty Thompson comes in and wants to read a woman's
> cards. Said she would go to Janel Merical's house because it was serious
> with her. Go to peanut machine, which sells acorns -- dump out my pocket
> full of shells. Kids playing house -- Leah yells at Scott for putting a
> dishwasher in. Playing tennis in a gym. A man steals the right size
> ball, green and leaves only a small orange one. I hold him head down
> until he faints, carry him to hall and slide him down hole. Come back,
> the older woman is gone. Two other women play, and are very amateur, ball
> goes sideways. Open door, man has left black dress with silver threads
> for me. Old woman, "very straight with kids." They are figuring out how
> long they've been there since the phone was taken out, six days the first
> week, seven the next. We go through elaborate ritual to fix machine that
> is for making molds of peoples' faces. Living in an old house, one room is
> old man's -- he works in there, then he opens it up for everyone.
>
> House -- I talk to Jessica and another little girl about breaking out --
> they go to get food, bare lot with fences made of boards. Margaret
> catches me helping them, but she's no higher than I am at Dumdum. They
> want to break out because they can't leave the house -- they're only five
> years old. They show me the cornfield -- school is a prison. Hartley
> eats some corn raw and gets sick. They don't want to eat the vegetarian
> health food Greg and Jerry and Margaret make them eat. They want TV
> dinners and discuss the kind with cookies and the kind without cookies.
> [Leah's mom started making meat for the kids on her night to take care of
> them -- Dumdum was open to 10 PM.] A group of young people walking up
> hill to where I am -- voice, "they are people, if they make the effort you
> have to see them." clean slate. Stop on interstate bridge, no condition
> to drive. Locker in hall, I get out fruit, which is going bad, lots of
> stuff. Man won't help me, he's carrying kid. I step on a shaky part of
> the floor -- maybe a scale you drive onto. Girl asks me to tell aunt she
> can have her permanent -- she had the operation on the bone in her hand.
> We are in Madison, Wisconsin again, this time staying in an old church
> with no steps. It is winter but the door is open and fan on. I am in
> side room figuring out what this is, then outside up the street. I go
> back. We are going to San Francisco. [most of the Iowa City poets moved
> to San Francisco -- George, Darrell; Tim, Karen who were from Madison
> originally.] Conference with Dumdum mothers in Mom's kitchen. Maureen
> brings a red rug. [Dumdum had weekly meetings.]
>
> I am in Van Meter -- get picked up for speeding by Rex Kane -- he throws a
> can. I get on the bus for Chicago. Later, I'm accused of witchcraft by
> Becky Allen and Rex Kane is my witness. I throw my purse into church and
> then go in -- sit in front row -- school type desks. Mom and Lucille are
> behind me and I turn around and ask them the gossip -- is Dad getting
> another divorce. Ride in truck, Nathan sits on my purse. I check Tarot
> -- cards are fancier than before. I say Dad will lose everything, all
> he'll have is two ex-wives. I walk by walnut tree -- Jean says Chuckie
> may be a house horse or house mouse but at least she had a boy. Then she
> quotes a verse from the Bible -- 3:3 and says maybe the end will come.
> I've never heard her talk like Mom before. Then I hear Dad's side of the
> story -- by the mail box. He's younger acting, hard and suspicious. I
> ask what he's losing if Jean leaves him -- he says his money. I ask if he
> loved either of his wives and he says, nobody. I tell him about how I
> found freedom but call it how I succeeded without really trying. He is
> waiting for someone to put something in the mailbox. A black woman in an
> orange car ahead of a red bus puts in lots of mail for all the neighbors
> (like a party line) -- Dad gets two boxes, I get tax forms. There is a
> book with no address about Dobie Gillis -- nude pictures of black guy and
> white guy with shorts showing, girls going to bar. Dad says, come in,
> I'll load youd down with stuff and throw you in the creek. Next scene,
> people throwing a girl in a pink dress in creek, she pops up and swims to
> shore and they throw her out farther.
>
> Restaurant, guy comes in. Woman says, "we don't have any cakes -- give
> him plastic dishes -- anything to get rid of him. I give him milk in a
> blue pitcher and yellow candies in papers with milk on them. He goes and
> gets his own donuts, etc. The first waitress is fired, he flatters the
> older waitresses. I get the idea we're all leaving together. He is very
> small -- another guy comes in to fight. Old log cabin -- fire in stove.
> Guy there who is friendly to everyone -- when he leaves he kisses me, says
> i can visit him in Kansas, I ask where but can't understand him. He
> leaves but comes right back. He eats cakes, I eat brocelli, use two
> plates -- can't wash them because there's no sink. When I come in I
> wonder what time period the cabin is -- someone says you can tell because
> the food is on a stove, but the footstool isn't close to the stove. [my
> sister and several aunts and uncles built themselves log cabins.]
>
> A woman starts down the sidewalk and suddenly gives birth -- woman came in
> time to catch the baby. Then the afterbirth -- the woman is me. The baby
> sits on a jello like substance. It is a month overdue, has black hair,
> can sit up already, it's a boy. I'm surprised I didn't feel anything --
> just fell out. [Sandy, who was born with long black hair, had two sons
> after several years of trying and doctor telling her her uterus was tipped
> and she had a 5% chance of having a baby. She and Gary got married in
> 1975 and Nick born 1983, Jason born about 4 years later.]
>
> Frozen with joy -- cut away stiff layers. I go to garage to look up the
> price of a used transmission in book. Shirley and I sitting in same
> chair, I'm talking on the phone like she usually does, I don't -- to Pat.
> Meanwhile we walk down the street to a parking ramp -- Steve has square of
> something he's smelting. Rich and Dar are coming for supper -- we'll have
> pot pies at least, Dar made it, but she complains that that's what we had
> the last three times. Woman with two buggies, I say I'll push one for
> her.
>
> My name is scarfulous. Robbie makes an intricate house of paper pieces --
> but falls apart when picked up -- try to glue it. [Robbie was four and
> couldn't talk yet -- sometimes he would talk some other language he made
> up himself.]
>
> I go upstairs, Sally jumps out, she and another girl robbing people. I
> say to take whatever they want. Then immediately I'm in the middle of a
> circle dance. I start to break through circle, then don't, then circle is
> going too fast. A man and I are outside and then it whirls around us. We
> stand still. Voice, the worst is to stand passive and let things be done.
> Dance ends, I hold up a large mirror/glass plate and all the women start
> taking off their clothes. I take off my pants. I go to bathroom, it has
> several rooms -- first has two fake stools, then a room with statues, then
> room with green fur covered stools. I sit. Little dog with short curly
> hair comes -- I say, did you come to help me (I'm getting the idea this is
> a Church of Satan meeting) one bark. Are you my friend, two barks. Then
> young man is there, I say, go away. He won't, asks if I ate meat, I say,
> never, I'm a vegetarian. Then I think maybe they're going to eat me or
> sacrifice me and say, but I cheat and I grab a piece of bologne and stuff
> it in my mouth and laugh at him. He hands me a piece of cheese. When he
> leaves, I spit out the meat, it has a bone in it too that gets caught in
> my throat. When I get back, Steve is sitting on a tan man's lap. I want
> him to come with me but his legs are dried up -- have to carry him. He
> says, I got a disability at the VA didn't I. I feel his legs, they are
> hollow reeds -- it's terrible. Then I start telling him my dream as we
> walk to the apt, he doesn't pay attention. There are posters in the
> hallway -- woman that changes poses, side view by day (she's got pure
> white skin), but at night -- fangs show in her mouth. She looks like
> Vanessa Redgrave. Maybe she goes off her diet at night. Upstairs, I
> throw down a steak I find on our landing -- it misses the garbage sack.
>
> Jeanette and I go to work at the Grad College but all we do is sit and
> wait. I go to basement, Jeannette stabs her hand with a knife, screaming.
> Sally, our boss, takes a blouse, looks through scrapbooks, grabs me, very
> scary. Mom, cottage cheese in diaphram. Voice, she wouldn't let me "have
> children" before, but now she is supplying -- "having children" -- is
> getting aroused. Man's voice, first time I ever heard anything but wish
> to drag her in other room and fuck her. Man with chance ought to cut her
> up -- she's a good thinker. [Sean David Morton interview of himself in a
> future incarnation said that the people you reincarnate with killed you or
> you killed them.] [Jeannette's twin sister stabbed her soon to be
> ex-husband Air Force major in the hand with a fork for sending his steak
> back in a restaurant.] Pat talking to Jesse -- map of Egypt, he says, I
> remembered how the suicide ran, but couldn't remember others. Others run
> into it, running at right angles to it, the wrong way.
>
> Linda Arnold and I are going downstairs in a huge building. Get to
> basement. I've done this before, there was no way out. This time there
> are several doors. Two men tell us how to open -- have to break a light
> beam. They are workmen, one is black guy. They say that one guy hates
> women (he looks like Big John) -- and don't go near him because he'll rip
> you apart. We push against them -- he even attacked black guy. I break
> the light, we leave. Dusk out, walk down rock road. I say, I don't have
> any idea where we are. Linda hurries ahead -- hides in weeds -- a very
> slow car coming. I hide there too, she says, go somewhere else. I see a
> house a little ways back, but go through the fence to empty corn cribs --
> slatted walls. Think of hiding under the mud or up high at top of wall.
> Look back, he's cutting off Linda's head. He comes in and I throw down a
> pile of boards on him -- knock him down. He throws things at me, balls,
> like bola but not attached to ropes. I duck and they just brush by. Kids
> appear, Scott, Jesse. They climb down and get the balls so I have all of
> them. I throw one at him but I can't throw hard. Throw boards at him
> like spears, but they fall short too. Catch him, has very sharp nails,
> mouth like bullhead. Make him eat crayons, first the green -- bites my
> fingers. Says he wants to talk to Kevin as his last request. He always
> says he has a revolver.
>
> Car makes warning noise and then rolls away -- emergency brake. Then I
> push the front tires back and forth to make sure they're okay. Voice says
> to put it on the carpet. Grass growing on the floor in the living room.
> Front of trailer gone -- can see trees. Bike sitting in front of a hole.
> Sun shining on grass on floor, very beautiful. Voice, it should be let
> decay. Then Steve wakes up and yells, no affection for 19 days and 19
> nights. He talks about Cherry, what she says. Says he's going to the new
> trailer. I go look at the new trailer (for his mother) -- it's like a
> camper inside, even smaller than ours. [Dad moved into a travel trailer
> and sold their house.]
>
> I am dragging a big black blob like a dinosaur or a Chinese dragon. I
> say, I want to blow it up -- I mean wake it up. Voice, the Wisconsin
> snake-hunt is about to start. You wouldn't think there would be many
> snakes around these parts, then we found the snakes and they were falling
> apart. I put on mascara to impress some man, it makes my eyes look small,
> so I wash it off. Greg talking about how he gets people at Dumdum to do
> things -- not by the iron claws of the eagle. Prairie dogs at entrance to
> Dumdum (top of hill) which give warning if anyone moves. Jason gets out
> to test them. I say they might take over. Greg and Jerry say, no, not
> Kansas. I say, Japan. Rooms, I thought I had one, but I have two. I am
> supposed to be studying -- my papers are on the table under the lamp. The
> second room gets bigger and bigger. I do other things -- wash clothes,
> there is also a small bathroom, but this is getting into the next girl's
> territory (noise) then there's the big bathroom. I go into room to start
> fixing it up -- Sandy and our parents there in big cars, shortly after I
> get there, they sneak away without my seeing them or them saying anything.
> I see them at the bottom of the hill and yell.
>
> Leave a wedding, Barb (neighbor in next trailer) driving. Sally and
> another woman talking about me. I hear, "fat chicken". She looks like a
> chele. Leaving out automatic door, I say, I heard it. She says they
> said, "fat chin". I have to be the man because I sleep on the left side
> of the bed. In a tall building, fire. Someone got in elevator and said
> to stall others. I did. Darrell there somewhere. We go downstairs.
> Woman fell, broke jaw. I help doctor helping her. We pull her down the
> stairs. Doctor stops to get ice out of his broken 7-Up bottle in his
> case. Stop on 11th floor, can't go further. I think of jumping, have
> come to this before. I don't want to fall. My hair is cut at shoulder
> length, flips -- on way to beauty contest. Someone asks about it -- I say
> it's a temporary trim. Then realize that's impossible -- very upset,
> blame it on my sister. Back on S Dubuque in the apt -- I'm in bath
> arguing with Steve. Women next door come in -- our trailer is on fire --
> go out and put water on fire, but it's their campfire. Fire is out, in
> front. The propane tank might explode. Tricks for begin school -- rabbit
> on hat. I pass old tree by sidewalk -- I put in dimes.
>
> Sitting on median of highway with group of revolutionaries. Girl tells me
> about little boy who had a little girl who lived in his head and cured
> him. Someone stretched a wire in his brain and she died and he dried up.
> Wicker animals everywhere. At Firestone, both front tires got nails,
> ruined. Guy said, from heat, driving. I yell. I climb up on car, stand
> by edge of road -- mechanic there making some little tool or toy.
> [Rambler had bent frame and front tires wore out every year. Firestone
> tires I bought the last year rubbed against a hose and melted a hole in it
> under there.]
>
> Go down road with other people from Coralville Marina -- blond woman says
> the woman in cabin one had her jewels stolen twice, the trailers don't
> even have locks, Smoky, Vernon's German Shepard guards everything;
> Phyllis, landlord's bookkeeper there. There are two new cabins. Very
> small refrigerator ($127 per month) -- everything frozen, motor takes up
> all the space. I decide to go see if we can get one -- cabins one and two
> have become see-through. People all along road -- dark man nods hello.
> People are playing tennis and ping pong in the screened-in porches. Go
> out fence -- trailer up the hill by the cornfield coming in -- several of
> them. Very hard to walk. Landlord's house not there.
>
> I go to house -- two men and woman live there. They are moving soon.
> Stove and refrigerator on porch, can see trees and sky through ceiling.
> Man has to pump five gallons of oil a day for a retarded guy.

1975 continued Rummage sale in a parking lot on truck, camera. I get lots of clothes. The men's shirts are free as a come-on. I try some on, very hard to get off (orange sweater.) Sally there, won't help, susan. Char is selling them [told the new girls at the Herbert Hoover Library that every time she tried to quit they promoted her until she couldn't afford to quit -- that the VA Hospital was more interesting place to work but didn't pay as well.] Women's clothes very expensive. There are more than I got --some tops ripped.

On bus trip with group of women, we listen to something, then people begin running to bathroom. I'm third, beat Barbara Waddell from grade school. Toilet running over. I use it anyway. I go out other door, janitor and three kids waiting outside first door. I tell kids to use other, closed bathroom. Janitor complains that people didn't clean up own mess. I start mopping, move things, find old letters -- 1 to Tom, 1 to Dumdum c/o Moulton, others, some out of date, no longer applicable. They are mad because it took so long. Hartley pisses on my purse, says he wants to piss to the side instead of straight ahead. I eat two eggs fried with yolks up with toast [I've never eaten a yolk since growing up and on my own.] Betty Thompson and other girls play music and play sotfball at the same time. I come out with a box of books -- they say, do you want us to take them? They are just keeping them, I look through for good magazines at the bottom, find book -- How I Was Tricked Into Believing in Reincarnation, outlines at the ends of the chapters. Girl beside me has to go do her birth control because we're almost home.

At a house in the country, smoke, I go out -- forget purse and other thing but am coming back. Woman on drive, first woman asks her to hold her cigarette. I hand her two and go back -- old man by door sniffs. I am at a French class in which we read earthworms. I start to read a skinny easy one -- but the teacher makes me read a thicker one. The bands are words. I keep getting confusion between "I' and "you". A woman and her son had been in a convent and are very good. Teacher asks and several people raise hands -- had been in convent. Another girl has to "read" a sheep with a sweater on -- she doesn't know French at all -- the sheep has a letter and a number -- 69 on its sweater. We leave. I get in the elevator with a man. I push a button for a floor without thinking, I push one (I'm already on one), he pushes four, then I know I really wanted six -- he gets off and then I see he pushed G -- to take me on a wild ride. The elevator goes very fast. I'm afraid it's falling -- think about the people who live on G and have to do this every day. We were at the top -- it is about 40 stories. Finally I look out the window and see buildings going by. I figure out perspective and they are going horizontally,not vertically. Then I see that he pushed the button for five miles -- I am going somewhere. I arrive at a young couple's house with kids. Scott and another kid from Dumdum are there, wearing masks. I am in a kids' wagon that goes by itself/ black one. I go through the house and see the woman's shoes -- sandals, know she's young. The three kids (she has one also) get in the wagon and we go down a little path which ends with trees close together -- I get out and pull us through. They have to pull through house, pick up wagon. On wagon -- Scott is happy because he wants to go home. He says, this is why I fucked you. He's five, I say, you didn't fuck me. The other kid wants to stay with his parents. I set the mileage thing to find the way back, the same number of miles in reverse. At Mom's house. Older man finds out I'm alone. Then another appears. First gets out his knife -- they say this will be okay. I scream, whirl towel to try to knock knife, then wrap blade (very long -- 1 1/2 inch) in towel and bend it back. He was going to do something to my nose to teach me a lesson -- smash it? I'm at the mechanic/Kennedy Auto -- someone kidnaps me and our car. Return, work in cube, another girl in next. Window open in case come back. My mother comes and I sneak out like she's going to kidnap me. Some guy has something going with books. Walk down hill towards trailer -- another girl and I trying to find flat parking places. Jeannette has a thick book she wrote.

Stop at circle park in forest. Animals old and decrepit -- then they turn on water. Man says forest should take over. House, Paul Ingram, Pat Casteel. Outside in the outhouse, turquoise in pile by door, time polished turquoise in john. Outside a little garden -- sand, rocks, carved black figure -- Japanese Zen garden. [In 1999 I made a zen garden in a box with two black Hawaiian figures carved from volcanic rock, crouching gargoyle looking with hats.] I go to a jewel factory -- Betty Stelphlug works there
and says they used to start work at 7 AM but they've toned down. The workers are all around the walls. The owner takes me on a tour -- there are glasses with plastic rims, also a couple of things that were not joined properly -- they leaked. There are rings carved in one piece with stones that look like light meters. I go to a chair to look at the catalog ( I came in here to interest him in turquoise rings of an unusual design.) The couch is our couch covered with plastic, I take the tape off. I walk with a limp because of my shoes. Jerry (my boss at VA) says, I told you you'd have trouble if you left VA. The car won't start, so I have to walk to Dumdum. I get there at 11:30 (1 hour), Dad wrote and said that the account is overdrawn. It is a better house -- more light than Dumdum -- Pat says, does this mean you're quitting? In a grocery store, two men, Jeannette and I buying butter. Jason (3) sitting at a table, Janet is going to have another. I ask if it's name will begin with J. He says its name will be Jennifer, I say it can't (he already has a sister named Jennifer (5). I ask what's her middle name -- he says SS, Richard. [Dumdum parents very "liberal" -- when discussing at the weekly meeting of staff and parents, one staff reported finding Jennifer having sex with a 3 year old boy, Janet said she didn't want to be a prude but she didn't want her to have VD before she even started Kindergarten.]

Go to visit Pat -- Jeannette, Steve, Gerald,me. Nobody talks -- Jeannette talks on phone -- calls Pat my old boyfriend. My mother there. I tell her about a hat with a veil because I'm embarrassed.

On the way to the reservoir. See little girl and boy playing by road. Pick them up and take