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> Self, Ego, Parental Archatypes, Hero (killed releasing), Initiation,
> Instinctual Life (symbolized by animals), Psychic LIfe (ancient tree or
> plant).


12/74 There is a screw loose in my tooth and I screw it back in.

1978 - I started the year determined to finally lose weight again since
> Junior High when I weighed under 100 pounds. I limited my food to one
> orange a day or one bowl of vegetables and lost quite a bit. In March I
> had some sort of nervous breakdown that started with me lying on the cold
> sand on the beach in March meditating and seeing two Easter Island type
> statues in the sky right before the paramedic tapped me on the shoulder
> (stupid surfers called 911.) Then the psychiatrist at the hospital (now
> closed, where incidentally they were caught stealing and selling women's
> eggs) told me that they would sell my body for organ donations since I
> refused to talk or open my eyes and they could say I was in a coma - Jane
> Doe. They knew I was just a crazy person too, because the guard and
> orderly, who got me to open my eyes by doing the "pain test" on my
> sternum, told me how they beat up and threw out a crazy woman into the
> alley. Probably from the drugs they gave me intravenously, I had a series
> of vivid and disturbing dreams that made me think I was evil and like a
> rat in a trap, suicide was the only alternative, because I was helping the
> aliens conquer earth as some sort of weak link when I was
> asleep/unconscious and I couldn't stay awake forever. Interestingly, I
> couldn't remember what day or year it was (I was working in a daycare
> telling 2-5 year olds what to do all day -- they all acted like they were
> mute and didn't even talk to anyone.) I couldn't even remember what
> season it was -- but in California there are no seasons. I also couldn't
> remember who was president, but I was not interested in politics. I did
> remember my phone number. For the next couple of years I thought
> constantly about a half hearted scheme to kill all the people I had
> corrupted by my evil -- anyone I looked at -- and get a badge and sneak
> into a nuclear power plant and cause a meltdown. I finally did go to the
> railroad tracks and wait for a train, and as I was waiting I remembered a
> dream about walking past that exact spot and seeing a Collie jumping over
> the tracks and then going to a museum in Italy where the walls were
> sweating from so many tourists. So I thought it was possible that I was
> wrong after all. I've dreamed a couple of times that the whole thing
> comes back. In one dream I was still going to work and just flying back
> and forth to Iowa every night - home to my mother...
>
> I didn't write down the dreams in 1978, so they are just from memory and
> some written down in a 1987 notebook. The last one of that series was
> when I was sleeping late, one of the rare months of my life where I didn't
> have to go to school or work, and I dreamed that the fence around our
> house had fallen down. It was rotted off except for a couple of corner
> posts, redwood fence. I got up later and looked out and it HAD fallen
> down and was laying on the lawn. A customer backing out of the owner's
> tune-up shop had knocked it down.
>
> A kid on Mom's front lawn by the pump, oriental kid, young, maybe seven.
> I am on his back and he turns into a horse suddenly and rears up and I
> feel a funny feeling in my stomach. I have better balance than in real
> life and don't fall off, like the silver cord or solar plexus is holding
> me up.
>
> I dream I'm flying over Iowa City, the bridge over the river that has a
> spiral staircase. I fly up to people and touch them and they fall down.
> A group of people in a room with empty clothes laying on the floor.
> Talking about classes.
>
> Books all along the wall of the house, like a library. I start at the
> door and look at them. I get out one book with a gray cover and think
> that it is Darrell Gray and he's going to die. (He died of alcoholism at
> age 45 shortly after that.) I start to read it, but it is too long to
> read in a dream. The light is coming through venetian blinds and is very
> annoyingly bright. Then I'm in the doctors' driveway/access through Mom's
> farm. Later dream, I am standing in the same spot and some high school
> kids that died in Vietnam are carrying me in a litter on their shoulders.
> I'm embarrassed and get off and walk. The keep walking. It is a litter
> like they carry statues of the Virgin Mary on. I didn't know them well
> enough to remember if they were Catholic. Then I tried talking to my
> plants "devas" like in the Findhorn book. I had the all on the table by
> the window and fell into a doze and heard a loud middle class/aged male
> voice saying, "the killer is here among us." I jumped up and looked out
> the louvered windows and there was no one outside. Plus it sounded like
> it was right in the room. I thought maybe they were talking about me, but
> the plants had beetles in the dirt that killed all of them the next day
> (and also ate a hole in the kitchen cupboard under the shelf paper.)
> I wondered which plant was so mature -- they were sensitive plants and
> coleus, which are annuals.
>
> I dream that there are two thousand Satanists in California. They do
> human sacrifices of vegetarians, so I grab a piece of bologna and eat it
> to ruin their plans. The bathroom has green fur toilet seat covers. This
> is the fanciest bathroom I've ever seen in a dream. The Satanists just
> dance in concentric circles, whirling, and then walk to their cars. The
> seem pretty harmless. I decide to have sex with some man also in case
> they are looking for virgins.
>
> I dozed off when trying not to fall asleep and jerked awake with the
> feeling of a rod or spear in my hands. I drop it when I wake up and it
> falls behind the bed. The door flies open violently. (The door would
> often open in the house on Larch in Lawndale. I'd be sitting on the old
> red 50's couch watching TV and the door would make a clicking noise and
> open. A few times in the morning you'd go in the living room and it was
> standing wide open. The neighbor said the previous tenant who planted all
> the banana trees had died there.)
>
> In June I dream that there is a battle and I'm watching it from a hill.
> People are being loaded into a UFO and are fighting and I tell them to
> give up and go inside. ( I was staying at Dad's and sleeping in Chuck's
> bunk bed and Chuck was talking in his sleep like he was having the same
> dream I was, he was nine.)
>
> One dream I went into a pyramid shaped room and there was a silver color
> mask in there talking. I couldn't remember what it said, and it was
> mumbling, so I thought I had stolen somehow the chance to get this
> training from someone else.
>
> Another dream I was riding in the back of an open car with my feet hanging
> over the edge. Superman was running behind the car and wouldn't get in
> and ride. The car was going to a prom - with friends from college. I
> took off my socks and tried to use one to tow him. Superman got so tired
> later I saw him lying on the ground apparently dead. I had locked myself
> inside a car and got out to help him. I heard the car radio saying that
> Superman had died.
>
> I dream that I go back to visit the Larch house in 1982 after the owner
> sold it and we had to move. There were new people living there and they
> can't see me but I think they can feel me, so I try to keep from running
> into them in the small rooms. The woman says, "I think there's someone
> here." I have noticed that I dream about houses I've lived in, but not
> apartments and only once the trailer. I have dreamed that I was walking
> around the apt occasionally. The dream about the trailer was right before
> we moved to California. I was walking up the hill and there were
> bulldozers digging big holes for a new housing development. Then I was at
> a shore that looked like Florida with a lot of trees in the water and the
> water very clear and blue with white sand. There was a big wave that
> washed me through downtown LA high rises with white and black check floors
> all the way to the mountains and then all the way back to Iowa where I
> ended up back in the trailer. But now my antique chest that was painted
> black is painted white.
>
> My mother and grandmother both dreamed about houses they were going to
> live in and I have a couple of times. I dreamed what the house on Larch
> looked like before we moved in and right before the owner put it up for
> sale I dreamed I heard people outside talking about how they were moving
> in and I ran in panic down Hawthorne Blvd to the rental agency.

Posted below 3/29/01
> I dream I'm in Mom's old kitchen which is modern with a pizza oven and a
> metal rack like they used in the cafeteria in the dorm for trays of rolls
> and cinnamon buns. Also a wooden cupboard like a dumb waiter. Wood
> floors. There are rolls stacked in the cupboards also. Vampires come and
> take the food until the cupboards are bare. I am there alone and I sit on
> the floor and cry. A German Shepard walks through the house silently.
> Outside, Gramp Archer is behind the house where the poppies and
> raspberries were planted rooting through a cardboard box looking for a new
> coat. He finds a girl's burgundy winter coat and puts it on.
>
> A rickety apartment building that used to be a nice building with large
> rooms. It has a lot of hallways, wings. I go outside and find the way in
> again from the street. The streets are very narrow. The building is too
> dangerous and falling down and I don't go back inside.
>
> We live in a tree house very high from the ground. It is very flimsy,
> even has holes between the floor boards. There aren't any walls. There
> is some furniture and our antique wooden chest. I keep climbing up to a
> higher level. I'm on the seventh level and dance like a ballet dancer
> leaping without apparent fear. Then I realize where I am and wonder if I
> can get back down.
>
> At a hospital. In a loop. It keeps repeating so I'm back at the
> beginning when I get to the door to leave. There are black rubber wetsuit
> looking things being pushed around by orderlies and also in piles all over
> the place. The ones hanging look like IV's being pushed around the room.
> This horrifies me for some reason. I'm confused and can't concentrate very well.

> Old dreams -- 1974. 7/56 Playing in barn, swinging on rope. Changes to
> playground equipment, children jumping up to where I've climbed turn into
> wolves. The wolf says, you should be afraid of those kids. Playing hide
> and seek in the barn. Indians gliding through stacks of bales.
>
> Riding a horse through pasture -- looking for cows -- hills become
> mountains, horse jumps off cliff into pool of water where people are
> swimming. People swimming in pool with instructor learn to swim like
> sharks -- bodies flattened out, hands like fins. Coming down hill to Gram
> H's house (trees/hazel nut shrubs only on the top of the hill), leave
> shelter of trees -- two wild goats menace from behind big rock. Giraffe,
> ostrich, I go the other way -- cliff, darkness beyond. Voice, go ahead,
> go that way, but watch out for the cannibals. The cannibals are Latin
> Lovers.
>
>
> 8/74 Galloping sheep shadow, galloping moose. Huge bear -- bull.
> Girl leading a large bull, supposed to be her friend. Bull got away. I
> hang around fence. White bull hurt. All animals are gone -- heard him
> bellowing. Hurt back in wagon. [my Gram A was run over by a wood wheel
> wagon and she said that was why her eye went to one side] Little boy
> climbs up to see him. Bull sings songs, insist on jumping out of wagon.
> White bear coming. I cross creek to house for weapons. [white bear is
> the Spirit Bear endangered in the Pacific Northwest.] Babysitting at a
> fancy house, woman comes home, mad. I wash dishes before I leave -- find
> out about dishwasher after all this time of washing dishes in dreams.
> Cynthia's house -- go into room, clothes, try one on -- better backwards.
> People everywhere, people and furniture in all rooms -- go from room to
> room
>
> 8/16/74 A boy, girl and baby from another planet. Fighting off tigers
> with an ax through the corn crib shed's sliding door at Dad's farm.
> Voice, rule -- don't touch a tiger on it's claws. I don't know how to
> chop it's paw coming through the crack now. Boy, girl and baby very weak
> by nature -- get strong by eating well-balanced. Climb cliff that sways
> like curtain. Baby taken away. Everyone leaves but me and them -- begin
> their work with incense. I want to stay, she says I'll leave. Leave --
> go back through sand. Woman asks me which girls are pregnant -- I go
> through list alphabetically. Living as we know it in fear and hot water.
> Sleep in tubes. Camping trip. I take baby down hill by creek. Drop in
> water, then put on rock to sun. Cabin fire, knew it would happen
> beforehand -- fire truck and water there -- fire only in basement. Man in
> basement drew picture of corn -- rows of red kernels and yellow circle.
> Get cow, make friends with her. Only thing I wanted to save was my rocks.
> Poems in chest -- couldn't get, can write more. I turn the thing
> regulating the water on the fire truck.
>
> 8/20/74 One room cabin in a wilderness. Alone, I look around. Paranoid
> -- beautiful out but scary, lock door. Falling off hinges. I find a
> chicken house on a path -- one egg -- touch it and it makes a noise. Turn
> it over and chicken comes out, falls out the door before me. One chicken
> grabs hold of my toe -- I chase out chickens and crawl through dirt -- one
> rotten egg. In the garden the beans are laying on the ground already
> picked. Large national guard boxes like coffins, bundles of herbs in bags
> in one. Other woman finds things from grocery store, I look -- the milk
> is cold, say, I'm afraid this means they're coming back. Clothes on rack
> fit her but not me. I went through the door without seeing the knob on
> the frame before. Her husband home, I say I wish I could just sit here --
> have to fix supper. He asks what's wrong, I say, supper, no tomato sauce.
> [I later became allergic to vit C and can't eat tomatoes anymore.]
>
> 8/22/74 Went north -- found secret little cabin away from fancy house.
> Radio playing, pile of clothes -- old and dull in color -- just fit me.
> Radio playing by itself. Hear someone upstairs. Stand perfectly still.
> Woman comes in anyway. Turn up radio -- she says to turn it off. Out the
> window, campers -- camping along banks of river, too swampy inland. Lots
> of kids move into cabin -- then two new kids with sleeping bags -- going
> to put them outside but know they won't like it. Put them in cabin.
> Sister -- huge tits, bra showing through ragged blouse. She takes it off
> and has small tits, big nipples from baby. She threatens to make me do
> chores -- names them. I say, I won't do any more than you -- you were
> only at the barn five minutes. Letter from Jean (step-mom) she met Dave
> Morice at the airport T-shirt shop and won free trip to NY from
> Gainsborough.
> Voice, you're a horse aren't you; now what's on your mind. The car
> disappears and I find it compressed like a sofa bed in a garage -- woman
> helps unfold and put it back together. They were talking about
> speculation on furniture. Man falls asleep in gutter, no water, talks
> baby talk in his sleep about going somewhere. I wake him up when a car
> comes. He kept yelling something, wouldn't shut up. Frances Banks (from
> HS) gets a letter from her father about Emily Dickinson. Very hard test
> -- analytical first part. Last part, give names of song then take those
> and make a long list by association -- hair, ripple, flutter. Gather up
> things to leave -- didn't have time to finish. Cheryl Clark telling Gail
> Fitzgerald she paid $200 to cheat. I consider telling, decide it would
> just be spite because I didn't do well. Man says we should move right
> away in car. Mom, sisters, boyfriends in car. Mother leaves to bring
> back sister and boyfriend -- in box -- they switched. Working as a
> waitress with Peggy Parrish and Sheila Kelly -- man is going to take me
> somewhere better. Deep hole in the interstate with one board to drive
> across. Feeling of turning over, man falls in soft mud in hole. Kid
> whose father built the dam sitting on bench with old woman, whispers when
> I come in with Terry Kelly -- make us work. Roof has thick moss and grass
> growing on it. Bad turns to good, sad turns to happy. Going to class --
> had to go to bathroom, carrying own chair around with me, don't go out at
> night. Go to store with Robin (from VA Hospital), offer to help owner
> because there are lots of things to do -- free. Girl with two names, man
> sitting next to her, she explains how she acts like second name by
> winking. I think man beside her will grab her (tall, dark like Peggy).
> We run -- one of each shoes gone to keep us there. I already lost one
> shoe before I came, so run anyway. Very hard. Girl throws shoes, misses.
> I expect it to hit me. I throw shoes, hit ground. Every once in awhile
> run into tree and person I fear is there. I poke with sharp stick.
> Finally surrounded with trees and doubtful way out.
>
> 8/26/74 Long shopping trip -- many stores, carry box to car. Hard going
> at first, then easy. Hand carved things most important (cross.) My
> sister's wedding -- like a play -- blue dress with long pink train,
> embroidered capes. A man and I travel down the road in chairs with
> pillows -- come to stairs -- throw down chair and slide down on pillows.
> Last time was in a wedding dress. Preacher at bottom. Answer questions
> about Mathra.
>
> 8/27/74 I am thinking in the present, which does not. Men hate women,
> women fear men. Bandit boyfriends. I wish I was a wild woman living in
> some cave. Spermopause.
>
> 8/29/74 Monsters never die natural deaths. Like George Washington.
>
> 9/11/74 A man and I go with a family to their vacation cabin -- where
> man is already there. Go to camp where games of strength and skill
> (foreigners). Frances Banks (HS) -- other girl fight over boyfriend.
> Other girl short blond hair -- very tough. Very mad, takes off all
> clothes, stalks around. Find out the woman is not going back -- have to
> walk or hitchhike.
>
> 9/12/74 Norbert (VA Hospital) is the president, Mr. King, the Jr High
> coach is Vice-President. Waiting to go on trip at Norb's/other guy
> changes when president. Painted furniture, candy in every room. Walking
> along a sidewalk -- garbage cans of rice in one house. At times like
> these. Motion, emotion. I feel like a flower opening in a movie -- a
> movie that hasn't been speeded up. A girl with celery hair. I've waited
> and waited and waited, how can I turn my back now. Jackie O returns angry
> to the White House. Pat Nixon waits nervously smoking. Man alone in a
> business building at night crying and walking with his arms around two
> hippies, in morning others will arrive. Man removing carpets, upsetting
> the man in the middle. It will be all over soon, they'll never do it
> again. Woman just watches -- enjoys this sort of thing.
>
> 9/16/74 Getting ready to go to NY -- take Shirley (sister) to doctor.
> Mom and I have to find her in a skyscraper -- guess floor 169 (she's
> Cancer) -- she's there. Nurses find chart -- something needed to fall
> into place -- did by itself -- but might not have if didn't go to doc.
> Left, pay 10 cents. I bought what I thought was shampoo, but it's paper
> shampoo. Back at school, Nathan (brother) sitting in car with no engine.
> Shirley in car with both tires on one side fell off and left her in path
> of another car.
>
> 9/17/74 Camping with another couple by lake -- decide to go to town,
> driving horse -- horse won't go by lake that has gotten closer to road. I
> hand reins to my sister -- it grabs her -- starts kissing her, bends her
> back. I get a picture of strawberries to lure the horse into its room.
> Delivery boy keeps coming, one man says to be generous with him, another
> one, not. Squeezing lemons -- pan of juice I didn't know I already had.
> Baby with thumb and toy nipple up man's butt. Cats hunting for their
> kittens and playing/toying with mice. Night as rain.
>
> 9/26/74 At village, boy asks me how to become less civilized. I point
> to three crossroads -- lead to town or farm. I'm just guessing. I run
> away -- has something to do with war, cross open fields, get to high grass
> at night. Generals, etc, also in group. I rush into the tall grass but
> realize I'll soon be lost and come back out. Then I'm alone, have blanket
> to sleep, night cold now and everyone else has disappeared. Look at
> grassland from hill and see fallen trees far in mashing down grass. Set
> off along edge of grass -- cross grove where girls are having slumber
> party in bark huts, loudspeakers hanging around with sound of their
> giggles, they don't hear me. Then come upon a meeting of girls, suave man
> is telling them he is selling half the wilderness and they'll build houses
> all over it -- one girl says she vaguely remembers that he is a crook. I
> fear he'll kill her. He says, you may be right, code that and put it in
> my briefcase; she's his secretary, no wonder she knows him. Girls are
> going on a hike. Woman and I hide behind a line of fake trees, girl at
> the gate sees us but helps us. Girl at the end draws a line after herself
> in the dirt. The girls decide to run away to the cemetery and bikes -- I
> run too. We come to a town, people there have war too, but are much more
> sad and paranoid. Leave town, driving car now, see tunnels in snow near
> Gram house/Pomeroy's bridge -- very alluring, have rows in tunnels like
> corn bent over -- starting to melt. I decide to wait for someone to go in
> with me. Meet Dad, he's friendly, subdued, can see my sister, but I
> can't. I turn back, went too far. Sheller Globe (where I worked) makes
> warped parts, makes them any which way and then workers are stuck with
> them. I am outside at night, snow on ground, bumps that my mom told me
> were bears or pigs -- shoot them as they come out. Start to come out, but
> I can't shoot, run to outhouse and shut door. After awhile mom asks about
> them. I tell her she'll have to do it then. Look out the window and
> there are mainly calves, one baggy camel laying on the ground -- it's
> daylight now.
>
> 9/28/74 Mom went through frig and threw good things away -- I save.
> Water went over top of dam. Road flooded. Fence of cabin by road on
> fire. I ride a large bike carrying a small one. Get on the small bike to
> go home. Something falls off road at wash -- I jump down after it, find
> huge carving of smooth rabbit or something. Three years pass suddenly.
> War games, US, Costa Rica, Switzerland, army games, everyone with flour on
> them's dead, each battle won is a win for the generals. Your confidence
> helps the doctor. Diplomacy dispelled by ESP.
>
> 10/3/74 Driving down road, then road gets perpendicular and made of
> popcorn balls mashed out, slides back when your wheels go forward. Go to
> visit Pat Dooley in his cemented backyard -- three playful dogs -- we work
> on ways to kill the dogs. I make a noose, not following the directions a
> voice was telling me. When I pick up the noose it turns into a piece of
> knitting with fringe. Other people make things that look like dog masks
> -- knitted or white cloth. I go to Sears to buy crocodile cloth for a
> quilt, leaving have to cross large empty lobby with two men, other women
> hurry too. A dog by the back door, growls when I think it will. Big dark
> man follows me into country -- grabs me and just holds my arms. I have
> him an herb to make him tired and cut off the blood to his head with my
> feet, throw him in the ditch. He yells up, there's a boat down here. I
> walk away, now playful large redheaded man follows me. This one I stare
> down, tell him to "sit" which he does reluctantly. Tell him to eat his
> ice cream to distract him so I can get away when he looks down. He does,
> says it is good.
>
> 1974 -- Visiting a large house with poems, maps, fairly cultured people.
> Put poems in box, forget, find them later -- we settle in basement, make a
> record of man and woman singing, start to play it, it doesn't work for
> some reason. Everyone gone but me, a girl, an old woman. I am supposed
> to make lunch. Girl asks if she should give the old woman a cookie made
> of crackers. I say no, too sophistocated. Girl says, I already did. Old
> woman comes in eating it, she is very kind and simple, likes the cookie.
>
> Drive to country, corn fields, very lush. Must change clothes to work,
> don't really change -- shorts and bra under long jeans and shirt. Wet on
> nipples. With my two sisters, a picture of us, all in long dresses, furs,
> etc, like singing group. It is over. I fall down twice in the dream --
> both feet through a small circular wire the size of a UHF rabbit ears. A
> man is tied to me and falls down too, we aren't hurt. I walk over and
> write it down, experiment. I tripped before I knew what was happening.
> [next day happened exactly like dream -- walking to Pat Dooley's house
> both feet through a circular wire on the sidewalk and I fell before I knew
> what was happening, not hurt.] Leaving, woman driving. Someone mentions
> that we're driving through an area where we'll see forbidden things.
> Everyone but me pulls their curtains -- looks like hearse. I'm in the
> right back seat. My curtain pulls automatically. We talk about what has
> happened. Voice, that's what I wanted to know -- you killed Mike. [Pat
> Dooley's brother Mike in wreck -- drove to trailer so I could take a
> picture of the mashed in side of his red car.]
>
> Living in a group with a working class man and woman with lots of kids
> including two girl babies who only have heads and other small kids.
> Other people live there -- some crazy, some violent -- husband took two
> babies to his factory, wife to other. I offer to look after babies --
> voice, no, they don't want the babies mothered. I say I won't mother
> them, just take care of them. So I have to go along to the factory. Lots
> of supplies in the restroom, even underwear -- I read a book in there
> with one little girl, two secret rooms, kitchen. Woman comes in and says
> girls have to be locke in one room, boys in another, I refuse, try to call
> police, leave walking through lush green grass, lots of animals, ducks
> walking on my heels. Man gets stuck on a pile of dirt, other men rush to
> help push it off and get it on further. Man falls under car and another
> man wearing a hat asks, are you hurt? Man says, yes I'm hurt and throws
> hammer -- narrowly missing his head. Everyone is shocked. [making ice
> cream, chopping up ice with a pot metal hammer, the head flies off the
> hammer.]
>
> Huge banquet -- pot of money where you are supposed to put in food like
> stacked logs -- all the ice cream you want. Huge banquet, booths, I'm in
> the last one. Also playing badmitten, etc. I was going to go home, but I
> had to wash all the supper dishes. Moving south into the peoples'
> territory, the dangerous people along the rivers, the rough element,
> people who play with guns, people who take out their agressions on
> animals, take out their aggressions on paper.
>
> Go on bicycles to a woman friend's -- house of the pregnant woman. Her
> house is very fancy, but very ordinary. One woman is depressed, her
> husband wears all black and makes it worse. Fire to ashes, ashes to soap.
>
> Voice, we'll be burned alive at 11:00. Just got home, two girls all
> dressed for Rosicrucian initiation -- white basketball suits. I go to get
> ready -- don't have time to read it. Run back because my socks are two
> different colors, lose herb, shake hands with people in bleachers and one
> man won't let loose. Allan Kornblum brought bread and wine. I go into
> Dad's barn, girls praying, I pray I'll do the right thing by intuition,
> wash feet in white stuff like starch, another girl has taken a whole bath
> in water. I hear pigeons or doves above -- go up ladder and start towards
> next ladder. Floor very shakey -- boards not next to each other. Woman
> comes in -- supposed to wait until she says to go up, I get down ashamed.
> Several other girls rush right up -- she is disgusted -- says she'll leave
> to come back Monday at 10:30. It was supposed to be Thursday, Rosicrucain
> study night in the dream, but it was really Monday. Go out, a girl with
> lots of problems turns down money from a rich girl -- says lots of people
> want to help her and she doesn't want help. Rosy Cross University campus
> in San Jose -- very ornate gold building on right, on left a science
> building -- dentist, etc in lobby. Not fancy. Lecture room -- tour
> starts here. [a few years later, dad's barn collapsed in a wind storm.
> it had been leaning for many years.]
>
> Oct 1974 On bus, going to building with other girls. They start walking,
> I ask about bus then they want to take bus. We walk, crossing bridge.
> Woman with son (black) says, Sheila. She says her son knew who I was as
> soon as he saw me. I ask her what she's studying. She says when she was
> in junior high she was studying some college major. Looking at collages
> like checkerboards with the boy. First her servant, then her friend.
> Cleaning up a bride's room -- boxes of shoes, dolls, jelly she made in
> jars to sell. Mechanics tell me I probably have a frozen water pump, hand
> me the nuts as they take it apart. Made a general. What would you have
> done. Look out for the old man, my father Passing the order downl Let
> someone else break it up, a friend. A bribe, bribe the breeze. Even the
> general. Can't send his father back. He knew. Something important going
> on, sleep in my clothes in a motel room. Voice, that's nothin. last
> night we had Alice and seven piglets. Phil Ward had been there.
> Along interstate, dragging home a man and his car. Walking down long
> lane, man ahead who always wonders where he'll die. You know the man with
> the long turban wrapped around his head. Fighting on a hill -- old woman
> shot in right arm. Tries to kill her own side because of prejudices.
> Doing very expensive work -- people pay two quarters. Is it pleasant or
> just blocked? Woman's face going around in a circle. Whorehouse --
> servants decide not to let anyone else out -- I barely get out. Running
> down steps, jump down whole flights at once. Cubbyholes by a lake with
> curtains. You can't stay. A baby talking baby talk, then says, I'm
> really old, I'm eighteen. Lemon tree bloomed, after a few blooms,
> suddenly covered with blooms.
>
> Mom's house -- all sitting on porch doing things. Cows grazing in yard --
> bull right behind us. Some storm coming, we all go in the house, shut
> doors. Let in big friendly dog, small barking neighbor's dog, then cat.
> Bull comes, huge and black and starts rushing the door trying to break it
> down. Mom says, he's doing this because I laughed at him, I have to go
> out and sit and be friendly or she won't be able to do her chores. As he
> breaks in the door, I run, then follow him out the hole he made running
> right through the house on the other side. Mom comes out and says he's
> gone, then the neighbor women and kids meke some cement or starch. It
> rains in it very hard. The bull comes again, I'm in the pasture and get
> in the cab of Mom's green truck and lie on the floor so he can't see my
> face. My sister is outside by the door. He leaves, I take my sister's
> hand and thank her.
>
> Mom at Dad's house with his new wife. Man painting their beautiful nails
> white. Mine are all gummed up. Shirley has problems with the principle
> and low necklines, he has a fetish with loafers; mom insults everyone;
> visit Sandy and Gary and they are asleep on the floor, house, shed, tree,
> lawn all newly painted a patchy green; they come out and race to mailbox.
> I'm carrying a heavy bag of garbage. Two girls lasso each end of a
> helicopter which they're pulling on.
>
> See Julie Sundevil and friends in People's Park in the vacant lot in Iowa
> City downtown. Isaac had haircut. One woman giving parking tickets to
> her friends. I hurry to see if I got one; parked by gas station, they'd
> put papers all over car advertising shocks, etc. One sign said, wait,
> check this before you close it -- they had taken some things apart as a
> test -- gas cap off (located by front wheel), air filter off; then Pat
> Dooley says, "the oil said full but I'm putting in another can anyway"
> spills it all over, won't stop, it runs out top. I'm amazed that he'd do
> that, have to siphon it out. [Julie Sundevil moved in to the marina in
> anther trailer shortly after this dream. Woman in apt building in 2000
> put too much oil in her car and it was smoking and I drove past and sw her
> with the apt manager helping her.] [Rambler only lasted a few more years
> -- frame bent.]
>

> 1975
>
> The Daycare Years 1974-1978
>
> Dream that there were a lot of cattle feeders in Roy Stewart's cornfield.
> [That was where I saw the cigar shaped UFO -- they abduct cattle and
> mutilate them -- cut off udders and cut out sex organs.] Woman says she'd
> rather call her mother than a Japanese guy about a house because she can
> whisper to her mother. I suggest going to the Japanese guy's trailer,
> I'll go with.
>
> My sister and I driving home from somewhere - her car is running and a
> dress she had cleaned (pink formal) is on the floor. I pick it up. Pat
> Casteel rides with her. I ride with Linda and Nancy Arnold. Their car
> pulls to the left, a tree fell on it and it tried to jump out of the way,
> everything rushed to the left. A dark haired girl and I fight for the
> hair dryer. I'm working somewhere and find a letter Dad wanted sent to
> his tax man as well as a request to find a place to live. One is, change
> seven brownies to one. I try calling and operator says, you're so rude,
> is that part of your job? I say, yes. Then she reads another rule off
> the wall. Then I go in the other room and there is the lawyer. I ask if
> he can make the changes and he says it isn't too late, but is illegal.
> His father checks his work. I ask him to check it anyway. He asks if I'm
> coming to the meeting - I'm part of a group doing something for the
> community.
>
> Julie Sundevil comes over and asks if I'm coming to their house. We go in
> a huge blue trailer with other people. They start a war with a town --
> people shooting everywhere -- little girl that shoots when you're in the
> way. Man takes the gun from Julie, who is shooting out the door -- asks
> how many hits, she says eight -- he asks how many were horses. Man climbs
> in with a small handgun and is going to shoot me, then he's going to throw
> himself out backwards and drag me with him. Then it is over. Our group
> goes to their movie and I leave down a trail. Cop yells at me, white car
> hiding behind a bush with a bandit type dark guy and girl -- asks if I did
> something. The next car they stop has rich black people who pay them,
> they were candy makers. Snow trail beside this trail, which has become
> rutted. Pass "stove houses".
>
> Group of people grind lots of grain so money is not important. A mean man
> comes who demands chicken and duck. The man, who has two kids, a girl and
> a boy, works digging post holes close together in parallel lines across a
> field. There is a lot of water -- I say they'll rot off quickly. Gayle
> Sands says maybe they expect them to grow.
>
> I am in Van Meter. There are more and more young men in blue jeans who
> are looking for work. I am supposed to babysit at 8:00 and a half hour
> before realize I don't know where they live -- but it's in Madison County.
> Call the operator, there are burned nickels and dimes on the shelf left by
> men calling for jobs. The operator is very old. She says Winterset has
> been moved and the phone numbers are in transit. I am very upset but she
> can't or won't help. I remember that Judy (Libonitz in the dream) knows
> her but when I look under Van Meter the only person with that name is a
> foreigner who runs a daycare. Her phone number is Winterset also, it is
> prestige.
>
> I change a baby's diaper -- it is a very happy, smiling baby. At the
> stove a young man is eating potato chips. The baby begins eating them.
> I'm wearing a wrap around dress. I talk to a woman on the phone about
> "the other woman" - the woman in his dreams, very upset. Then I go home
> and a blond woman with two kids comes with me. We take the stairs, not
> elevator. Man is asleep. We talk about men in dreams. She says, hammer,
> phallic symbol (the only words they say.) She stays in our extra room, I
> leave them alone to rest, and she asks me if I want the calendar of nude
> men as I leave.
>
> A man appears to be going to stab another man in the back -- I grab his
> arm and it is a wooden knife. Then he menaces me. I take the knife and
> menace him. Then I look over a balcony and there is a mother rabbit made
> of plastic pieces and the baby rabbits knock her pieces apart. I ask, how
> can they get back together? Man asks if I will do some voodoo and if I
> remember the song he sang (Gregorian chant, I guess) once. I tell him I
> couldn't understand the words and can't remember the music. We go to the
> barn and there are horses inside -- two with tattoos. The woman cares for
> them while traveling around S America canning them. I don't understand.
> Then I'm standing on top of some dominoes with horses facing in on each
> side -- like a wedding and a lot of saddles sitting around. I go up the
> ramp/chute. There are horses up there too, filling the whole room. I get
> on a saddle and find myself suspended in space and I can't get down.
> There is a girl in the room, dark hair, and they leave and forget their
> deodorant. It is a beaker of yellow liquid.
>
> A man backs away from a bear - throws a big rock and side steps when it
> charges. It gets in the house. He wins a prize. Then the bear is in my
> house. I go upstairs because it probably doesn't know how to open doors
> -- it is grazing. Hear door open -- decide to crawl out window and down
> ladder. Ladder falls over when I'm half way down. At a concert, I have
> on only a blouse with a muff pocket -- go and pick up my underpants. I
> and another girl are sitting on a grand piano -- I move to the bench. A
> little girl asks me why sometimes I'm beautiful and sometimes ugly. Then
> I'm at Dumdum -- mealtime. A mother calls and asks what kids are eating.
> She doesn't want Sally to eat any salad because she has been shitting the
> bed. I want her to eat the salad. The mother says, "roll a joint" in the
> background. We are both confused. The food keeps changing and I try to
> list off what we're serving. A boy keeps taking out a man's cock and
> playing with it -- says, doesn't it look like a baby? etc. I have to go
> around the table wiping off all their cocks under the table -- one has
> white stuff, one an erection, last two are very young. I do it very
> quickly. When I come back all the kids live with us and have been outside
> alone. Take them somewhere -- Mom gets out to go to the creek and we all
> follow, everyone is planting things along its wall like banks. Someone
> draws the dark haired woman next to me -- line drawing side view with only
> the eyes filled in, they are a very beautiful shape. Then they draw me.
> I have short curly hair, big boobs, big mouth, singing.
>
> A young man with curly blond hair and a lot of old men around a bathroom.
> Young one goes in, man gives the old ones milk cans to use around back.
> Women go in after awhile saying, Oedipus, Oedipus. I say, Euripides and
> am corrected. No one in there. In the trailer, there is a furnace behind
> the bed behind a glass wall and you can see the ashes down there. We both
> got metal sandals for Christmas, go for a walk. A lot of people eating at
> a table where two old maids and their two kids - a 12 year old girl and a
> 2 year old girl are eating ice cream with flaked chocolate topping. They
> talk about their independence. The girl says, with me as a babysitter.
> The little girl seems very nice, well-behaved. A little girl wants
> Mayasa's ear-rings. I tell her they don't come off. Then she wants her
> shoes. Their shoes are alike on the heels -- green and silver glitter,
> but the tops are different. I tell Pat Dooley about how the old men had
> to go around the back with milk cans. He asked how they were dressed --
> very shabby? Yes. He says, that's because I'm cavalry and they were the
> peasants rounded up to be the infantry.
>
> I am on the hill by the fence, a man comes with his dog and drops the dog
> on a group of baby rabbits. I encourage them to come through the fence.
> The dog chases the mother. A mean cat rushes up and bites my hand --
> fastens on. I hold its throat, then find out that if I step on it, it
> turns into a book. The guy comes looking for his cat but I want to keep
> it and don't tell him I'm standing on it. Then it begins not to work to
> stand on it.
>
> I give Dave Morice 65 cents to pay for his, Pat's, Suzanne's food. I want
> a pickle but it's sweet -- very big and yellow. I come back later to take
> care of two little boys whose parents have died. Pat, Suzanne and I are
> walking with Jake, he leans against my back as I walk, he is tired. He
> says we should rest in the snow and runs very fast to the top of the hill.
> Then Pat says we all can run. I can't, crawl to keep up, near top. Pat
> holds the top with her fingers and tries to pull herself up, I help her.
>
> In a place where little kids are raised. White cowboy hats, people appear
> to be packing or conspiring. I hear two little girls talking, one says,
> it's okay here, you can do anything you want except read the newspaper. I
> ask her if they can watch TV. she says, we can't talk to adults either.
> I knock down one of the teacher/guards, then come back and try to sneak
> out one very small boy who is very rebellious. He struggles but I hold
> him in my hands until he goes limp. I ask him if he wants to go with me
> and he says, maybe. I take him in a room with oxygen masks and when
> someone looks in pretend to be relying on them, but the toys don't float
> like there's no gravity, one floats. I knock the kid out by smothering
> him, he is big now, he is asleep, I put the oxygen mask on him and leave.
>
> Sandy (Dodson) dream -- I (Sheila) swimming in a pool naked -- she says to
> get out -- crocodile. I jump out 10 feet with one bound and land on the
> bank. Then I run full speed up a mountain -- she runs after me because a
> leopard is chasing me. There is also a python which we avoid. She can't
> catch me.
>
> Jessica's dream (five years old, Maureen's daughter) -- A guy who had a
> pan said, do you want this pan - pan made rocks. All the kids stepped
> into the deep river and drowned and they came back. Pied Piper man leads
> all the Dumdum kids to a bridge over the river, there is a whirlpool
> below, the kids jump in, later the man brings them out again on the bank.
> My mom, Russ and I were cats but we ate people food and we had a stove and
> counter and refrigerator. Bongo our real cat were the baby cats. We were
> all different colors and designs and stripes. then we were sitting around
> a campfire and we caught on fire. Then we went to Dumdum and Dumdum
> caught on fire.
>
> At a swimming pool. Indian girl is showing people National Geographic.
> Large gold fish swim in the pool behind her. Then on the side, carp are
> jumping out of the pool and over the fence and landing in a large pile.
> Allan and Cinda are there and Allan calls out a name and throws a painting
> over the fence like a fish. Gives others to me. Man giving a lecture
> -- he has a book and I try to write down the title and author but forget
> too fast. The author is Dodge. I see Nin on shelf.
>
> Walking down an unfamiliar road with a man who gets ahead. I call and he
> gets mad. The house is on an unfamiliar street and you have to park far
> away and walk to it. I walk on alone and begin seeing things -- a huge
> box of tomatoes on its side in a field, a pile of rotten tomatoes. We had
> taken LSD earlier. I can't find my way home. There are other people. We
> hear planes, a war sound. Voice, they've dropped the bomb. We hear a
> huge noise, smell burning. I feel like we should cry for the world -- no
> one says anything. Then there is a very long earthquake. I run over the
> ground, which is moving around, start down a road with my sister. We
> decide to hide in the woods -- she climbs through a fence which is bent
> down -- many have, this registers as bad --directly ahead a clearing where
> men live, Robin Hood style. We run back to the road, there is a large
> group of women. In this place, the women get the roads, the men get the
> rest. The men can't hurt us. We start off in good spirits.
>
> I am in a building with food -- pass all kinds of bad foods -- donuts,
> jelly, ice cream. I come to a hallway in which the ceiling has been
> dropped to mid-thigh level. I consider whether to go over or under and go
> under. I crawl down the hall -- a sign says that people have tried to
> walk down the hall, but the easiest way is to crawl. Another girl comes
> down the hall -- taller than me and dark haired. she walks and I ask how
> she did it and she says she pushed a couple of boards aside that kept you
> from standing up. She then starts vacuuming my kitchen rug and I tell her
> my vacuum cleaner works good. She says, it has a hose just like mine,
> which I love, that's why I don't like it.
>
> Jason (4), another boy and I are swimming down a long road of water. The
> water is a very beautiful blue. We come upon dolphins at frequent
> intervals. They are shades of blue and white. Voice, they all move a
> certain distance, 150 miles, around the world. We begin guessing where
> they came from and the guy corrects us. The last one we guess is Thailand
> and we can't think of an answer for the next one. After awhile we begin
> meeting other groups of two little boys. I decide to leave Jason behind
> because he can join another group. He turns blue like the dolphins when
> he takes off his clothes and is slow putting them back on. In the water
> are runways made of ice.
>
> I'm working in a junk store and the owner is moving mannequins. He lies
> down and orders me to move them. I do -- putting them on top of him and
> he yells that it hurts, their hands. Then we sort a pile of coats (other
> helpers too) most of them are burgundy raincoats. I also milk a cow. Two
> women come in and want burgundy raincoats. They had a dream they bought
> them. They want to buy the buttons.
>
> I am in the cab of a truck with a man with curly dark hair. We are having
> an interesting conversation, which cleans off the windshield. I get out.
> There's another man outside the truck -- has something to do with waiting
> to be waited on. When I get out the man out there says he's leaving (come
> back later) and is frothing at the mouth.
>
> I am at work -- I talk while people are trying to take a test - I
> apologize. My boss, Sally, comes out and says not to feel bad anymore.
> While I'm talking the left side of my face gets paralyzed. I go to Mom's
> -- there is a hole in the freezer and the food is all thawed. I do
> something to some guy and then run down to the basement. My sister puts
> on a show for the kids with a magnet, have to find steel. The kids find a
> box of nails. She borrowed my spider. I get it back -- it clings to my
> finger but I'm afraid it's biting me. I put it in its cage, round clear
> plastic. I'm developing pictures, there's a little wrong with all of
> them. there is a young woman tutoring Japanese kids -- she's doing very
> well.
>
> My family walks through a storeline building. We are on our way to supper
> in this model place and all chose things to take with us. Mom chooses a
> red plastic ice bucket. I choose books. Then we go in, stopping first at
> a pen where a little kid is kept and fed lettuce. He climbs out, the mud
> is very deep. We pass a dump where there is a whole pile of winter coats.
> We get a tiny trailer on a tiny lot, Sandy, Gary, Shirley come. Man who
> sells real estate. I eat candy and Dad chases me and says he wanted to
> disown me in 71 becasue I didn't know what Republican meant. Mom had a
> son but her husband and his father took him away in their Cadillac (said
> she was unfit). Later she had a daughter. We drive down a street and
> traffic is very fast and close. A car with a boat passes within inches.
> Three women (including me) do something and a man puts sugary cereal on
> the ground by us so ants will come and get up. The other two women just
> sit there resigned and I brush the ants off them. None, or few get on me.
> A big dog. My sister decides to lock it up -- I help her -- behind a
> split refrigerator door, the bottom door. We hold it awhile against the
> dog -- door bowed out -- then sneak away. I walk on my knees because my
> shoes are loud. We are going to sleep in the car where the dog can't get
> us but when we get there, it has a blanket for a roof. I'm gettind
> dressed in a mirror -- long white skirt that turns out to be tight white
> jeans -- not becoming. Changes to knee length black gathered skirt with
> blue roses on it. I wonder if it should be shorter. A guy with short
> hair appears. I say, go jack off, you jack off. He calls me a $2 whore.
> He says, what do you think I was doing.
>
> On a ship. We throw all the sailors overboard -- one says the water is
> cold. He has dark, curly hair, muscular and tanned. They hold him just
> above the water and then bring him back into the boat -- he would be a
> good lover. Gold coin on the ground, INTERPRET DREAMS was on the ground.
> Dad and others decide to put a light on the top of our car because it is
> hard to see. People from outer space -- knew because man spilled milk on
> himself. Says he already knows how to swing -- squeezes between two women
> at the far side. I hear a cow outside. This time it is normal size. I'm
> afraid it will look in and see me. Man says he doesn't love me anymore, I
> say I don't love him either. There is a thin level of desert over the
> river -- cows lying on it. A mess. Cut on my cheek, I put oatmeal on it.
> Mannequins of men with waist length hair. I have one mannequin which is
> wet.
>
> My mother and I do chores for Gram H. I feed the wild rabbits -- they ate
> all the cat tails and it looks like fall. I pick two breadpans of wild
> oats -- green and put them on the small hillock because of floods. Then
> it's time to leave, I ask Mom if she needs any help. She's grouchy and
> asks a cow, do you want to come in now? I milk a cow with a large calf --
> calf keeps me away, so I put it in a fence, it runs very fast and happy.
> Cow is worried, I say, don't worry, the field is fenced, it'll come back.
> I see movie marquee, word STERLING on sidewalk. A kid and I go on a long
> journey on a hayrack to his house, very bumpy. It goes by itself buy has
> to be speeded up every once in awhile. We go there twice, second time
> shortcut through someone's house with a fireplace. Betty Thompson's
> house. Her boyfriend Wayne is there, gathering popcorn. We were
> gathering corn.
>
> Julie is talking on the phone -- bad feeling. People say she has a mean
> cat, witch. But she's a male cat. People doubt it catches mice -- it
> throws a mouse at the window fan then picks off the pieces and eats them.
> Julie comes in -- tall, slim, brown hair, hugs me, says she's going to
> medical school. [Julie is redhead like me.]
>
> Dumdum, Jerry has to quit for his education and law courses. An older
> woman is talking to him. I have to talk to a man about a job. Greg gets
> mad -- he digs a post hole. I yell at him, why now? he yells back that
> water swirls and a little boy falls in -- which has strawberry stuff. I
> take him and some of the kids for a bath, get into the water myself. A
> man comes in but I'm so fast he doesn't see me undressing. I live at
> Dumdum. Potluck, people come, I have a big pot. Voice, everyone can take
> their clothes off if they want to. One woman is a foot tall. I look
> around and only the women have taken off their clothes. Jim has blue
> shorts over his head so he can't see. I put my clothes back on. People
> come in carrying food and they all put it in the same pot. Everyone is in
> a circle. You take orange pills yourself for worms and give yellow ones
> to other people. A man and woman on the other side of the bed, I'm
> jealous. I go to a house. A man comes to the door, says, haven't you
> forgiven, then okay, he follows me into the fog carrying a girl in his
> arms. Brenda moves out and leaves her furniture -- large pyramids, don't
> know the use.
>
> Go to a concert -- which is behind a diner. I want to stay for the next
> performance but don't have enough money. Another man (Dan type) and I
> stay in the lobby hoping to see some when we remember that there is an
> electrical shock or field in the floor and front stairs. We fly out the
> door and try to jump off the porch. I can't move and he jumps and is
> caught in mid-air. A woman comes out and shows us how to get the
> stiffness out of our backs -- she and the man stand on their heads. Other
> people are lounging in the lobby now.
>
> Pat Casteel sitting on a round white footstool riding in a bus. I am
> facing towards the back -- my legs are spread. She frowns. When we get
> out, I say we should tie the little kid to a seat in the bus because it
> might get run over and then how would we feel. Maureen says she'll tell me
> her secret if I tell her mine. Woman listening on small ledge outside.
> Maureen moves across the room, tells story, her first boyfriend was so
> mean no one liked him but her. I get a letter about a job -- Calif. I'll
> have to work full-time, but it's really part-time. Mattress stacked on
> end with tassels, two beds in the corner with boots sitting all over on
> the floor. We go look at a house -- the floor plan is the same as another
> house we've seen. The woman tells the problems -- hundreds of mosquitoes
> coming out of the flower pots. Man has a crush on me, he goes to bed then
> keeps coming back and looking at me out of the TV set, says, flirting
> mama. I say, son. I lay out Tarot cards, in rows. First read them for
> neighbor lady. She picks them up very quickly, the man's also, a girl is
> already in the corner asking him who's the dark angel who's blocking your
> feeling. I try to lay the cards back out and at first they're familiar --
> the King of Pentacles, and then they become different -- 7 of boots, 10 of
> mattresses. The woman points out the tassels on the mattresses -- I get
> the idea they are for rabbis. One has gold lettering on it. [Sep 76 we
> moved to Calif, the house in Lawndale looked just like the cabins at the
> marina in Iowa, I got a job part time at a daycare, the floor was cracked
> and when it rained incessantly in 78 water came in and we had to set the
> mattress up against the wall.]
>
> I go through the neighbor's cabin. They have moved. The first rooms are
> completely bare. then a few things are left -- very narrow men's and
> women's shoes. Then there are whole rooms of stuff and I realize they
> haven't finished moving. Dad asks someone to mow the lawn if they have
> time and want the money -- Terri Rinard does it. I see a weed with leaves
> like tables and ask if it can stay. I'm sewing a dress for Shirley, take
> it in the house. Mom is arguing with Shirley and Sandy, says, not now.
> tt is about going to college. Only two tough steaks left. Mom runs a junk
> store -- takes us there and lets us pick something. Shirley wants a
> planter. I see glass chairs and table but they're $30. I find one of my
> old dresses, say, you never know when you'll find one of your old dresses
> or if it'll fit. Took stuff to the car - took a long time to put it all
> in. Were expecting the sun to rise any time but it stayed dark. [Sheila
> Kelly took a job as a social worker in a small town church and opened a
> thrift shop. Her sisters and housemates always made her drive and called
> her "Mom".]
>
> At work at the Grad College, Sally Staley comes in about bowling on Friday
> or Saturday. Woman shows gold invitation, gold ring, banquet. [Sally
> took the thesis checkers to lunch when I quit to go to Calif.] Steve and
> I in beds at right angles, each with our own partner. I kiss mine -- Paul
> Ingram, then it strikes me and I stand up and he melts into the bed, very
> bad tempered. I don't like it. He says, it's not so bad, we never talk.
> Pat Dooley teaching a girl yoga in the middle of a field. He comes over
> and says someone hit him in the eye. I say, it wasn't me, I was over
> here, you must have hit it on the ground. A group asks me if I want to go
> to a club. I'm carrying a pile of books.
>
> I go through an empty house. Racing a man -- he goes right, I go left
> even though I think it's the wrong way. Looking for a refrigerator. I
> find a room -- see tall, thin, dark hair nice young girl. She says, you
> found me. She tells me about an herb that starts with a + or -. Greg and
> friends have a baby girl they found who is newborn. they are taking her to
> an orphanage. I wonder if I should keep her. I hold her to my chest and
> wonder how she'll turn out. My sister and I are at a place -- swimming
> pool. I go to the bathroom. A man asks how much of the veneering we have
> done -- we work for him. I don't think we work for him. In bathroom the
> stalls are very narrow -- you are wedged in. I feel helpless -- the walls
> are only waist high. A tough guy walks by -- a high school hero.
>
> I go upstairs to dress. Dad and Grampa yell to come down. I stand up to
> them and Dad explains it's because the food is ready. I look out the
> window, twilight, a gorup of women and very tiny kids chasing animals down
> the road -- whipping furiously when any run back -- a piece of paper blows
> back. I pick it up -- it tells about something interesting happening at
> night. A race -- Sandy the engine pulling me on a skate or surfboard.
> there are three contenders - boy who got a late start catching up, go
> through lettered gates. I lose the skateboard and go through the "A"
> inches ahead of the next. There is a controversy whether they won or we
> did. They are still intact on their skateboard. Then the third group
> arrives, they win because they caught a fish. A very small white catfish
> about four inches long hooked through the gill. Shaped like a sunfish.
> The judge removes the hook, says, this is very important even though it
> hurt the fish -- got very big when he took it out. I am staying in a
> place -- several people in one bed -- man who refuses to type the first
> pages of theses, turns out to be Jerry. I say I'll do it, afraid he'll be
> violent. Three old men leave the bed. I'm taking care of a baby. Man
> says, Jerry really likes you, doesn't he? Angry, jealous. [Jerry was in
> love with Dumdum and made the kids call him Uncle Jerry, until he got
> worms and then he had to take a sabbatical to think things out] I go into
> Jean's house, look at my stuffed elephant on shelf -- it says Milk
> Quarterly on one side, picture of trees on the other and picture of a man,
> woman and baby, naked with long brown hair on the thin side of the
> elephant. Two boys are taking baby -- it is dark. I fasten him in --
> tell where gloves are. I have worked out the best way of doing these.
> Look in the eyes -- look in car headlights from back.
>
> I am at Dumdum. A hive appears on my left wrist - very smooth and round
> with about five layers. Then my right wrist, square and like a piece of
> cake. Square like nouget on my left index, 8-10 inches tall -- clear with
> pretty things embedded. Woman takes it and puts it in a round glass china
> closet. I say, it's my finger, it'll probably melt. It does, but the
> liquid wax comes from ceiling and falls into a small hole in the center of
> a lamp filled with wax. [I got a planters wart on my index finger and
> hives or shingles on my elbows and wrists.]
>
> Terri Rinard, another girl and I win a free house. It develops in front
> of us -- four bedrooms arranged around a circle and squares to the sides.
> All connected, brown ranch style with patios arranged around an open area.
> We park, lots of cars. I look around at what plants there are and where
> gardens could go. We go in and see the hidden drawbacks -- there are two
> little kids, cranky. In the first bedroom there are two rows of beds,
> couples in the first three or four beds on the left side. [Steve's dream
> the same night. We got a new house, yellowish, ranch style. Little kids
> invaded and took over -- oldest one 14, smallest 2. Steve began
> handcuffing them 2 boys, 8 years old, back to back -- handcuffs on most of
> them. Started spanking a 2 year old boy -- his sister jeering because he
> was getting spanked -- he had shit his pants.
>
> I am walking through Van Meter -- down a road that's new. First are nice
> houses -- one has large things, windows?, that look like huge TVs. Owner
> gets nasty because I'm standing on his lawn. There are large trailer
> courts -- one with trailers along the railroad tracks.
>
> Girls in a room -- when a new girl comes in, the first one describes the
> plan to her and then the new girl kills her. Mom shows me blood clots in
> the cream (like in eggs) -- this means a man was killed. It is something
> to eat -- I don't think I can eat it. There are two movies, one with a
> long line -- Japanese. People have different classifications -- mine is
> A-. Has something to do with what time you came stamped on your ticket.
> We wait on a kind of platform.
>

> We are in Madison -- I look over a list of courses. I'm on a date with a
> man who says, we don't have much to say to each other, do we. It is a
> weekend date, we just met. Dad comes in and wants someone to drive him
> somewhere - my date volunteers. I cry and cry, go shopping, roses
> everywhere. Barn, people milking, I help. So you're not waiting for me
> -- I'm waiting for you (song). I wanted to tell my date my plans -- to go
> back to college.
>
> In a laundromat with my family -- we're gypsies. There is a vending
> machine for things. I have a new dress that fits a little girl. I have a
> lot of clothes. The man in the control booth is Bob. A man comes - to
> catch foreigners - my two sisters run - I try to bluff, then run. We
> crawl through a field. The man finally gets ahead of us and threatens to
> pour a bottle of pop on my sisters. They ask if they should run for the
> hayfield. I say yes but he has a gun - Shirley points me up. He has a
> gun now - he shoots me in the head. It's a blank, but I feel something,
> he shoots again into my body. On a hillside, a man wants to pull down his
> daughter's pants and show a white mark, she cries. He shows another pair
> instead. A poor girl brings out several huge stuffed animals the
> community bought for her. She doesn't want to take them all the way back.
>
>
> With a group of women -- special services at a hospital -- also serving
> pizza. Ginna there -- elevator tips to rear, no door or door open there.
> Women have meeting and decide to protest -- squirt whipcream all over
> halls, also a chemical that isn't supposed to be used. I take one,
> doesn't work at first, then afraid of being arrested. Women march by at
> the head of (or disrupting) a beauty contest. Say one can is missing.
> Man zeroes in on can, which I'm holding and trying to hide, tapping on
> stool (hiding in bathroom). Policemen to my left is a drug addict and
> doesn't want to catch me (degenerates as dream goes on), I drop the can
> and he pushes it back to me quickly.
>
> I'm in bed with my two sisters, Jess comes in, then Pat, crowded. I go to
> get a chair outside -- my back hurts -- a tall woman is sitting in the
> rocking chair on the corner. It is at school. A little girl is sitting
> in a smaller rocker near the door -- they are both waiting for their
> mother, she's late because it's her birthday. I ask if I can have the
> little girl's chair. The mother comes, the little girl's chair has a
> price tag. Pat has moved close to Shirley reading a book, goes to the
> bathroom quickly when I come in. Pat and two women are visiting, I get
> tired and take off my clothes in the living room -- down to bra and pants
> -- go in to take a bath, but don't shut door. Blood on my leg -- try to
> close it various ways.
>
> All teh women at work in a large building. The men come to work once --
> the women are all happy. Go down to basement eating candy -- roller skate
> ahead of other women, my legs are bigger than theirs. Stop at a snowbank
> -- there is a white mouse/rabbit which hides its baby in a snowbank when a
> small curly dog is there. The rabbit gets behind me adn pushes on teh
> backs of my legs (the dog picked the baby up in its lips but didnt' hurt
> it). I begin to be worried about being in the middle. The rabbit comes
> out and kisses the dog on the nose.
>
> I'm at Van Meter school -- suddenly decide to wade through water -- it
> gets deeper towards the door on the left. Go up in a little cave and
> listen to music. Other people start to walk by -- girls in red plaid
> coats and black hats playing a ball-game against girls in black coats. I
> decide to get down -- trouble with the ladder. My younger sister has to
> carry me down. I find wet clothes another sister didn't dry and yell at
> her. She also has to bring down the record player. Go into building,
> refrigerator door closes behind me. Look in farther, her mother-in-law,
> Joyce and other women are cutting out dresses. It is a co-op. A girl in
> an empty house with shade by it -- I say hello to her.
>
> My parents are camped far in the woods, we go -- Ieave the sewing machine
> on the basketball court. The hills are very steep but small -- as high as
> a person's head. We jump into the valleys because there might be hunters
> shooting. Finally we reach a big hill -- go down to the camp. There are
> tents, a fire that has been going a long time, pile of black coals.
> There's a post with a small fire (dead) in it which is a way station --
> keep you warm. Dad is giving a speech about himself and is passing around
> his thesis. Some anniversary. While he is talking, I pick dead leaves
> off the coffee tree and eat pie my mother made with mashed potatoes in it
> that doesn't taste very good. I am eating my dessert first, chicken on my
> plate.
>
> I go to the dairy along interstate 80. I go in with a full bottle of milk
> and drop it in the door. The milk doesn't run out even though the bottle
> breaks. Then I don't have enough money and go get $5 and ask the dairy
> owner, Mr. Moss, for soemthing to clean up the milk. He tells me that in
> February he is hiring someone to be a salesman. I see a sign on the
> blackboard, "doctor or anyone". I say that it probably would suit me.
> Then he gives me a check and his name is embossed in it and it is not
> Moss. Several other people have been offered jobs meanwhile. Pat Dooley
> is there and he leaves when I do and I see him later on a scooter -- going
> down hill his girlfriend is on the back but going uphill they each have
> their own scooter.

> 1975 continued
>
> Part a long ways away. German Shepherd jumps down from fence, gets in
> door. I yell at her, Maureen pets her, Gayle lays on her. Everyone lies
> down on floor, no more room. Girl comes in who was cleaning chicken
> house, paper bags on feet. In living room, my blue dress around my waist,
> I pull it down, go outside. Everyone waiting for food -- farmhouse,
> brick, leaning, a National Monument. I go in another door and am upstairs
> -- first room ironing, second kitchen, third beautiful dresses drying on
> line. I hold up one and it turns from orange to blue. Three naked girls
> and one boy come up to me. They have a red lower back. Becky Allen is
> the leader -- tells me to help clean houses with them. I had to clean all
> but one. I ask others in the group and one points to lines of poetry. I
> read them, read porno -- girl in carfull of boys is torn apart -- her name
> is Liz Bett. She has a bald head. Never get to the master bedroom of the
> house. Uncle Jim - father is waiting - he says the Butcher, get
> downstairs, pig crowd. man asks if we have numbers. No puts us in like
> man takes my Culpepper book, puts it in plastic bag and it turns into
> potato chips. walking down road, people who had to keep track of cars.
> Do you know about your wife and six kids. [Uncle Jim's son, Bobby killed
> in car accident 1-2-82 driving back to Kelly Air Force Base. Driving
> about 90 on a curvy, icy road, sideswiped a van. Only he was killed.]
>
> Upstairs - a roomful of cavemen. Two think they will be eaten next. Then
> run downstairs. Others have to put on coats and argue quite awhile about
> it. Gary Smith stands in doorway saying, what about your coat? Brings
> back Sunday paper finally and all start reading it. One of two comes back
> for coat. I throw it down -- I am only woman.
>
> At Mom's house. I get in car -- there are three bucket seats and I sit in
> the middle one, kids start towards the car -- they have to run because I'm
> down the driveway. Then I yell, com on, we'll leave you -- they run back.
> I go after them -- capture some little kids and put them in car, then go
> after big ones. Two women go with me. Going up hill, a flock of white
> birds comes very close -- I crawl through grass. There is another house
> at the top. We begin taking down curtains and pictures and packing them.
> A spokesman comes and asks if I'm talking to kids. I go into room -- they
> are bigger than I am. I say, they have the right to decide their own
> life, but the little kids should stay with their families or the house I
> run.
>
> Itemized life. Girl living with ghost. Real man there and ghost bites or
> pinches her on the calf. Man tells her to run and get help, she cries on
> the bed. Girl and I in a store with a big slide -- leave. Waiting for
> store to open, by HyVee -- old woman whose house we want. Dirt road,
> truck is there. Kids -- they rush in through gate like pigs. Jason lying
> in corner, dirt floor, herding them. Walking through rain towards place,
> Pat, drenched, white stuff (salt or snow), Greg walks by him, talk about
> money, says I love you. Get to place and note from Greg on wall to Marge
> and I about money dated March. [it is July 3rd.]
>
> Little tiny house. I concentrate on it to see if it will look bigger.
> Drainpipe looks normal size. Somebody or thing pushes me up the hill. At
> the top (dark) is the red cow and calf. Cow rushes me -- I fall aside and
> miss head. She runs over the top of me but doesn't step on me. I lay
> very still, wave hand at her. Cow comes back and looks at me, then goes
> away. I remember having dreams -- first about a red calf, then a red cow.
> Go back over hill, light now -- lots of people. There are coliseum type
> seats all down the hill - a farmer and his son near top. I have on an
> army shirt with a white sweater under --girl says white sweaters tend to
> get darker, by experience at least. No bra. I switch them around, have
> on new pants -- in square brick room with blanket on ledge. Jake down
> there. Sweater and pants have been sewn down, sweater wrong side out.
> Hear Allan talking about his dream about the red cow. Find out man and
> boy have been arrested. Mother asks if I'll have breakfast with her and
> Dad and talk about religion. Julie, Annie, Lois living in rabbit hutches.
> Might still be on Julie and Peggy's commune outside Duluth.
>
> Mike married to Becky Allan -- both grad students. Lucille leaves, look
> at Mike's blue sheet (he says he thinks he's behind), natural sciences, no
> grades. Allan Kornblum in a turban selling pink shirts with pink roses.
> Old woman rushes up, says "you poets." A cat, either crippled or carrying
> something runs and catches a mouse -- very bloody. Long bike ride - Pat
> Casteel.
> My moccasins falling apart. Poetry reading, Betty Thompson there, quoted
> a poem of mine -- Mending, ended with a guy who'd been hit over the head
> and didn't know it. Bikes, ice cream, boys dorm with fireworks -- very
> elaborate, parachutes falling sometimes. I go outside, snow, but the snow
> is warm. Mom's house after poetry reading. Dad in front room, shirt off,
> has stereo. Mom sleeping in third, very polite and nice, looks like
> dreams written down. I would ride bike to work the next day. I flush the
> toilet and the tank flushes, but not the bowl.
>
> Man with paddle boat starts engine and leaves into mist. Very large flat
> boats with powerful engines vroom up and stop on dimes. Our car -- I wish
> could go on water and it does -- it is a convertible. Then rowboat, try
> to row inside culvert, but can't. Grouchy man. I put boat on head like
> veil and carry it on land. Fish in a plastic bag, disappear. Scorpions
> aren't dangerous because have five legs. At grandma's -- playing tag, I'm
> dressed very ugly -- Pat grabs and hugs me. I have go to the bathroom.
> Later, Shirley says she's going to join a group of people to get Pat away
> from his mother (she's never met him.) I can bend down so far that I can
> touch my nose on the ground -- also raise my legs so slow, no strain. But
> wind is blowing and I can't get up.
>
> Mean guy grabs girl. Older man with her fingers gun hanging on the wall.
> Mean guy shoots him in leg. Two cops come, one shot. Lots of cops --
> mean guy and girl lovers now --girl is smarter. Guy keeps saying, give me
> money now (blond crew cut). They have a stove buy no fuel -- full to the
> top with burning newspapers. Cops gather. Mean guy wakes up. A black
> woman unrolling a tapestry in the door asks if he wants the cops to bring
> in their "big gun" -- he says yes -- cops file in, half are girls, they
> have to go first and then the other half, who are big bruiser men on small
> wooden tricycles. I look at Tarot cards, which have something to do with
> five pieces of wood the cops have. Two black people with a bed in their
> backseat arrive and I take them to the theater manager -- it is a play. A
> girl angry about her double. Girl locked in her room -- I throw her a
> crayon. A line of people that need catheters - they can't talk. A long
> table with people feuding, kids hide under table and sneak out the end.
> Man with his hand in my purse - I sense him, turn around, we talk. Three
> people do armed hold up-- Morty Sklar. Bad guy comes around -- wants
> friends. I steal his gun and camera -- shoot gun, bullets are invisible.
> Dumdum -- I yell at people for all working at the same time, little kid
> like duck beside me.
>
> Girl (my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend) and I decide to have a lesbian
> affair at the grad college, where you go to get rooms. I walk in naked
> except for underpants. Terri is secretary and Shelley had been for a
> short time but is replaced by someone named "Sue." Old man there. We
> leave (I say we could have done it at home). Girlfriend puts her clothes
> on right away. I wrap in blanket, came without clothes. Terri follows to
> say something about Shelley, I give back blanket. Girlfriend stops at
> machine for free pop and donuts. I talk about Shelley -- didn't see her
> whole time she was there. An older woman comes and I talk to her -- a
> reprieve so I don't have to have this affair. Small boy following me, I'm
> pulling a wagon. Snow, I get snow in my right boot. We see dead cow,
> check notch in ear to see whose it was, either dodo or bobo -- the baby
> already grown up. Cow gets up, we try to put away. Now there are four
> kids and a horse is running towards us. I tell kids to hide behind trees.
> Two hide on opposite sides of one tree - horse has to see one of them.
> The horse goes on by -- like a car. [11/1/91 -- Chinese grad student
> kills four physics professors over his thesis in a freak early blizzard at
> the U of Iowa.]
>
> Greg has shoes that make him even taller -- high heels. I did part of the
> books, they are way off. Cindy (Dumdum mother) very friendly. Talks
> about how she fell down, got gummed up. I think, oh, no, VD again. One
> of the cabins open, I look around, very nice, large, turn TV on -- have to
> screw in a tube. All marked, when leave, one tube gone. When leave, all
> tubes stuck in my skirt. Two trailers, big one and little one, connected
> by a shed. I suddenly know that I have to get started on something. I
> throw a pen on a flat surface, man picks it up and puts it by the
> flashlight. [After we moved into the cabin, I had a pain in one ovary and
> had surgery -- ended up with one "tube".]

> 1975 continued
>
> In grocery store, Betty Thompson comes in and wants to read a woman's
> cards. Said she would go to Janel Merical's house because it was serious
> with her. Go to peanut machine, which sells acorns -- dump out my pocket
> full of shells. Kids playing house -- Leah yells at Scott for putting a
> dishwasher in. Playing tennis in a gym. A man steals the right size
> ball, green and leaves only a small orange one. I hold him head down
> until he faints, carry him to hall and slide him down hole. Come back,
> the older woman is gone. Two other women play, and are very amateur, ball
> goes sideways. Open door, man has left black dress with silver threads
> for me. Old woman, "very straight with kids." They are figuring out how
> long they've been there since the phone was taken out, six days the first
> week, seven the next. We go through elaborate ritual to fix machine that
> is for making molds of peoples' faces. Living in an old house, one room is
> old man's -- he works in there, then he opens it up for everyone.
>
> House -- I talk to Jessica and another little girl about breaking out --
> they go to get food, bare lot with fences made of boards. Margaret
> catches me helping them, but she's no higher than I am at Dumdum. They
> want to break out because they can't leave the house -- they're only five
> years old. They show me the cornfield -- school is a prison. Hartley
> eats some corn raw and gets sick. They don't want to eat the vegetarian
> health food Greg and Jerry and Margaret make them eat. They want TV
> dinners and discuss the kind with cookies and the kind without cookies.
> [Leah's mom started making meat for the kids on her night to take care of
> them -- Dumdum was open to 10 PM.] A group of young people walking up
> hill to where I am -- voice, "they are people, if they make the effort you
> have to see them." clean slate. Stop on interstate bridge, no condition
> to drive. Locker in hall, I get out fruit, which is going bad, lots of
> stuff. Man won't help me, he's carrying kid. I step on a shaky part of
> the floor -- maybe a scale you drive onto. Girl asks me to tell aunt she
> can have her permanent -- she had the operation on the bone in her hand.
> We are in Madison, Wisconsin again, this time staying in an old church
> with no steps. It is winter but the door is open and fan on. I am in
> side room figuring out what this is, then outside up the street. I go
> back. We are going to San Francisco. [most of the Iowa City poets moved
> to San Francisco -- George, Darrell; Tim, Karen who were from Madison
> originally.] Conference with Dumdum mothers in Mom's kitchen. Maureen
> brings a red rug. [Dumdum had weekly meetings.]
>
> I am in Van Meter -- get picked up for speeding by Rex Kane -- he throws a
> can. I get on the bus for Chicago. Later, I'm accused of witchcraft by
> Becky Allen and Rex Kane is my witness. I throw my purse into church and
> then go in -- sit in front row -- school type desks. Mom and Lucille are
> behind me and I turn around and ask them the gossip -- is Dad getting
> another divorce. Ride in truck, Nathan sits on my purse. I check Tarot
> -- cards are fancier than before. I say Dad will lose everything, all
> he'll have is two ex-wives. I walk by walnut tree -- Jean says Chuckie
> may be a house horse or house mouse but at least she had a boy. Then she
> quotes a verse from the Bible -- 3:3 and says maybe the end will come.
> I've never heard her talk like Mom before. Then I hear Dad's side of the
> story -- by the mail box. He's younger acting, hard and suspicious. I
> ask what he's losing if Jean leaves him -- he says his money. I ask if he
> loved either of his wives and he says, nobody. I tell him about how I
> found freedom but call it how I succeeded without really trying. He is
> waiting for someone to put something in the mailbox. A black woman in an
> orange car ahead of a red bus puts in lots of mail for all the neighbors
> (like a party line) -- Dad gets two boxes, I get tax forms. There is a
> book with no address about Dobie Gillis -- nude pictures of black guy and
> white guy with shorts showing, girls going to bar. Dad says, come in,
> I'll load youd down with stuff and throw you in the creek. Next scene,
> people throwing a girl in a pink dress in creek, she pops up and swims to
> shore and they throw her out farther.
>
> Restaurant, guy comes in. Woman says, "we don't have any cakes -- give
> him plastic dishes -- anything to get rid of him. I give him milk in a
> blue pitcher and yellow candies in papers with milk on them. He goes and
> gets his own donuts, etc. The first waitress is fired, he flatters the
> older waitresses. I get the idea we're all leaving together. He is very
> small -- another guy comes in to fight. Old log cabin -- fire in stove.
> Guy there who is friendly to everyone -- when he leaves he kisses me, says
> i can visit him in Kansas, I ask where but can't understand him. He
> leaves but comes right back. He eats cakes, I eat brocelli, use two
> plates -- can't wash them because there's no sink. When I come in I
> wonder what time period the cabin is -- someone says you can tell because
> the food is on a stove, but the footstool isn't close to the stove. [my
> sister and several aunts and uncles built themselves log cabins.]
>
> A woman starts down the sidewalk and suddenly gives birth -- woman came in
> time to catch the baby. Then the afterbirth -- the woman is me. The baby
> sits on a jello like substance. It is a month overdue, has black hair,
> can sit up already, it's a boy. I'm surprised I didn't feel anything --
> just fell out. [Sandy, who was born with long black hair, had two sons
> after several years of trying and doctor telling her her uterus was tipped
> and she had a 5% chance of having a baby. She and Gary got married in
> 1975 and Nick born 1983, Jason born about 4 years later.]
>
> Frozen with joy -- cut away stiff layers. I go to garage to look up the
> price of a used transmission in book. Shirley and I sitting in same
> chair, I'm talking on the phone like she usually does, I don't -- to Pat.
> Meanwhile we walk down the street to a parking ramp -- Steve has square of
> something he's smelting. Rich and Dar are coming for supper -- we'll have
> pot pies at least, Dar made it, but she complains that that's what we had
> the last three times. Woman with two buggies, I say I'll push one for
> her.
>
> My name is scarfulous. Robbie makes an intricate house of paper pieces --
> but falls apart when picked up -- try to glue it. [Robbie was four and
> couldn't talk yet -- sometimes he would talk some other language he made
> up himself.]
>
> I go upstairs, Sally jumps out, she and another girl robbing people. I
> say to take whatever they want. Then immediately I'm in the middle of a
> circle dance. I start to break through circle, then don't, then circle is
> going too fast. A man and I are outside and then it whirls around us. We
> stand still. Voice, the worst is to stand passive and let things be done.
> Dance ends, I hold up a large mirror/glass plate and all the women start
> taking off their clothes. I take off my pants. I go to bathroom, it has
> several rooms -- first has two fake stools, then a room with statues, then
> room with green fur covered stools. I sit. Little dog with short curly
> hair comes -- I say, did you come to help me (I'm getting the idea this is
> a Church of Satan meeting) one bark. Are you my friend, two barks. Then
> young man is there, I say, go away. He won't, asks if I ate meat, I say,
> never, I'm a vegetarian. Then I think maybe they're going to eat me or
> sacrifice me and say, but I cheat and I grab a piece of bologne and stuff
> it in my mouth and laugh at him. He hands me a piece of cheese. When he
> leaves, I spit out the meat, it has a bone in it too that gets caught in
> my throat. When I get back, Steve is sitting on a tan man's lap. I want
> him to come with me but his legs are dried up -- have to carry him. He
> says, I got a disability at the VA didn't I. I feel his legs, they are
> hollow reeds -- it's terrible. Then I start telling him my dream as we
> walk to the apt, he doesn't pay attention. There are posters in the
> hallway -- woman that changes poses, side view by day (she's got pure
> white skin), but at night -- fangs show in her mouth. She looks like
> Vanessa Redgrave. Maybe she goes off her diet at night. Upstairs, I
> throw down a steak I find on our landing -- it misses the garbage sack.
>
> Jeanette and I go to work at the Grad College but all we do is sit and
> wait. I go to basement, Jeannette stabs her hand with a knife, screaming.
> Sally, our boss, takes a blouse, looks through scrapbooks, grabs me, very
> scary. Mom, cottage cheese in diaphram. Voice, she wouldn't let me "have
> children" before, but now she is supplying -- "having children" -- is
> getting aroused. Man's voice, first time I ever heard anything but wish
> to drag her in other room and fuck her. Man with chance ought to cut her
> up -- she's a good thinker. [Sean David Morton interview of himself in a
> future incarnation said that the people you reincarnate with killed you or
> you killed them.] [Jeannette's twin sister stabbed her soon to be
> ex-husband Air Force major in the hand with a fork for sending his steak
> back in a restaurant.] Pat talking to Jesse -- map of Egypt, he says, I
> remembered how the suicide ran, but couldn't remember others. Others run
> into it, running at right angles to it, the wrong way.
>
> Linda Arnold and I are going downstairs in a huge building. Get to
> basement. I've done this before, there was no way out. This time there
> are several doors. Two men tell us how to open -- have to break a light
> beam. They are workmen, one is black guy. They say that one guy hates
> women (he looks like Big John) -- and don't go near him because he'll rip
> you apart. We push against them -- he even attacked black guy. I break
> the light, we leave. Dusk out, walk down rock road. I say, I don't have
> any idea where we are. Linda hurries ahead -- hides in weeds -- a very
> slow car coming. I hide there too, she says, go somewhere else. I see a
> house a little ways back, but go through the fence to empty corn cribs --
> slatted walls. Think of hiding under the mud or up high at top of wall.
> Look back, he's cutting off Linda's head. He comes in and I throw down a
> pile of boards on him -- knock him down. He throws things at me, balls,
> like bola but not attached to ropes. I duck and they just brush by. Kids
> appear, Scott, Jesse. They climb down and get the balls so I have all of
> them. I throw one at him but I can't throw hard. Throw boards at him
> like spears, but they fall short too. Catch him, has very sharp nails,
> mouth like bullhead. Make him eat crayons, first the green -- bites my
> fingers. Says he wants to talk to Kevin as his last request. He always
> says he has a revolver.
>
> Car makes warning noise and then rolls away -- emergency brake. Then I
> push the front tires back and forth to make sure they're okay. Voice says
> to put it on the carpet. Grass growing on the floor in the living room.
> Front of trailer gone -- can see trees. Bike sitting in front of a hole.
> Sun shining on grass on floor, very beautiful. Voice, it should be let
> decay. Then Steve wakes up and yells, no affection for 19 days and 19
> nights. He talks about Cherry, what she says. Says he's going to the new
> trailer. I go look at the new trailer (for his mother) -- it's like a
> camper inside, even smaller than ours. [Dad moved into a travel trailer
> and sold their house.]
>
> I am dragging a big black blob like a dinosaur or a Chinese dragon. I
> say, I want to blow it up -- I mean wake it up. Voice, the Wisconsin
> snake-hunt is about to start. You wouldn't think there would be many
> snakes around these parts, then we found the snakes and they were falling
> apart. I put on mascara to impress some man, it makes my eyes look small,
> so I wash it off. Greg talking about how he gets people at Dumdum to do
> things -- not by the iron claws of the eagle. Prairie dogs at entrance to
> Dumdum (top of hill) which give warning if anyone moves. Jason gets out
> to test them. I say they might take over. Greg and Jerry say, no, not
> Kansas. I say, Japan. Rooms, I thought I had one, but I have two. I am
> supposed to be studying -- my papers are on the table under the lamp. The
> second room gets bigger and bigger. I do other things -- wash clothes,
> there is also a small bathroom, but this is getting into the next girl's
> territory (noise) then there's the big bathroom. I go into room to start
> fixing it up -- Sandy and our parents there in big cars, shortly after I
> get there, they sneak away without my seeing them or them saying anything.
> I see them at the bottom of the hill and yell.
>
> Leave a wedding, Barb (neighbor in next trailer) driving. Sally and
> another woman talking about me. I hear, "fat chicken". She looks like a
> chele. Leaving out automatic door, I say, I heard it. She says they
> said, "fat chin". I have to be the man because I sleep on the left side
> of the bed. In a tall building, fire. Someone got in elevator and said
> to stall others. I did. Darrell there somewhere. We go downstairs.
> Woman fell, broke jaw. I help doctor helping her. We pull her down the
> stairs. Doctor stops to get ice out of his broken 7-Up bottle in his
> case. Stop on 11th floor, can't go further. I think of jumping, have
> come to this before. I don't want to fall. My hair is cut at shoulder
> length, flips -- on way to beauty contest. Someone asks about it -- I say
> it's a temporary trim. Then realize that's impossible -- very upset,
> blame it on my sister. Back on S Dubuque in the apt -- I'm in bath
> arguing with Steve. Women next door come in -- our trailer is on fire --
> go out and put water on fire, but it's their campfire. Fire is out, in
> front. The propane tank might explode. Tricks for begin school -- rabbit
> on hat. I pass old tree by sidewalk -- I put in dimes.
>
> Sitting on median of highway with group of revolutionaries. Girl tells me
> about little boy who had a little girl who lived in his head and cured
> him. Someone stretched a wire in his brain and she died and he dried up.
> Wicker animals everywhere. At Firestone, both front tires got nails,
> ruined. Guy said, from heat, driving. I yell. I climb up on car, stand
> by edge of road -- mechanic there making some little tool or toy.
> [Rambler had bent frame and front tires wore out every year. Firestone
> tires I bought the last year rubbed against a hose and melted a hole in it
> under there.]
>
> Go down road with other people from Coralville Marina -- blond woman says
> the woman in cabin one had her jewels stolen twice, the trailers don't
> even have locks, Smoky, Vernon's German Shepard guards everything;
> Phyllis, landlord's bookkeeper there. There are two new cabins. Very
> small refrigerator ($127 per month) -- everything frozen, motor takes up
> all the space. I decide to go see if we can get one -- cabins one and two
> have become see-through. People all along road -- dark man nods hello.
> People are playing tennis and ping pong in the screened-in porches. Go
> out fence -- trailer up the hill by the cornfield coming in -- several of
> them. Very hard to walk. Landlord's house not there.
>
> I go to house -- two men and woman live there. They are moving soon.
> Stove and refrigerator on porch, can see trees and sky through ceiling.
> Man has to pump five gallons of oil a day for a retarded guy.

1975 continued Rummage sale in a parking lot on truck, camera. I get lots of clothes. The men's shirts are free as a come-on. I try some on, very hard to get off (orange sweater.) Sally there, won't help, susan. Char is selling them [told the new girls at the Herbert Hoover Library that every time she tried to quit they promoted her until she couldn't afford to quit -- that the VA Hospital was more interesting place to work but didn't pay as well.] Women's clothes very expensive. There are more than I got --some tops ripped.

On bus trip with group of women, we listen to something, then people begin running to bathroom. I'm third, beat Barbara Waddell from grade school. Toilet running over. I use it anyway. I go out other door, janitor and three kids waiting outside first door. I tell kids to use other, closed bathroom. Janitor complains that people didn't clean up own mess. I start mopping, move things, find old letters -- 1 to Tom, 1 to Dumdum c/o Moulton, others, some out of date, no longer applicable. They are mad because it took so long. Hartley pisses on my purse, says he wants to piss to the side instead of straight ahead. I eat two eggs fried with yolks up with toast [I've never eaten a yolk since growing up and on my own.] Betty Thompson and other girls play music and play sotfball at the same time. I come out with a box of books -- they say, do you want us to take them? They are just keeping them, I look through for good magazines at the bottom, find book -- How I Was Tricked Into Believing in Reincarnation, outlines at the ends of the chapters. Girl beside me has to go do her birth control because we're almost home.

At a house in the country, smoke, I go out -- forget purse and other thing but am coming back. Woman on drive, first woman asks her to hold her cigarette. I hand her two and go back -- old man by door sniffs. I am at a French class in which we read earthworms. I start to read a skinny easy one -- but the teacher makes me read a thicker one. The bands are words. I keep getting confusion between "I' and "you". A woman and her son had been in a convent and are very good. Teacher asks and several people raise hands -- had been in convent. Another girl has to "read" a sheep with a sweater on -- she doesn't know French at all -- the sheep has a letter and a number -- 69 on its sweater. We leave. I get in the elevator with a man. I push a button for a floor without thinking, I push one (I'm already on one), he pushes four, then I know I really wanted six -- he gets off and then I see he pushed G -- to take me on a wild ride. The elevator goes very fast. I'm afraid it's falling -- think about the people who live on G and have to do this every day. We were at the top -- it is about 40 stories. Finally I look out the window and see buildings going by. I figure out perspective and they are going horizontally,not vertically. Then I see that he pushed the button for five miles -- I am going somewhere. I arrive at a young couple's house with kids. Scott and another kid from Dumdum are there, wearing masks. I am in a kids' wagon that goes by itself/ black one. I go through the house and see the woman's shoes -- sandals, know she's young. The three kids (she has one also) get in the wagon and we go down a little path which ends with trees close together -- I get out and pull us through. They have to pull through house, pick up wagon. On wagon -- Scott is happy because he wants to go home. He says, this is why I fucked you. He's five, I say, you didn't fuck me. The other kid wants to stay with his parents. I set the mileage thing to find the way back, the same number of miles in reverse. At Mom's house. Older man finds out I'm alone. Then another appears. First gets out his knife -- they say this will be okay. I scream, whirl towel to try to knock knife, then wrap blade (very long -- 1 1/2 inch) in towel and bend it back. He was going to do something to my nose to teach me a lesson -- smash it? I'm at the mechanic/Kennedy Auto -- someone kidnaps me and our car. Return, work in cube, another girl in next. Window open in case come back. My mother comes and I sneak out like she's going to kidnap me. Some guy has something going with books. Walk down hill towards trailer -- another girl and I trying to find flat parking places. Jeannette has a thick book she wrote.

Stop at circle park in forest. Animals old and decrepit -- then they turn on water. Man says forest should take over. House, Paul Ingram, Pat Casteel. Outside in the outhouse, turquoise in pile by door, time polished turquoise in john. Outside a little garden -- sand, rocks, carved black figure -- Japanese Zen garden. [In 1999 I made a zen garden in a box with two black Hawaiian figures carved from volcanic rock, crouching gargoyle looking with hats.] I go to a jewel factory -- Betty Stelphlug works there
and says they used to start work at 7 AM but they've toned down. The workers are all around the walls. The owner takes me on a tour -- there are glasses with plastic rims, also a couple of things that were not joined properly -- they leaked. There are rings carved in one piece with stones that look like light meters. I go to a chair to look at the catalog ( I came in here to interest him in turquoise rings of an unusual design.) The couch is our couch covered with plastic, I take the tape off. I walk with a limp because of my shoes. Jerry (my boss at VA) says, I told you you'd have trouble if you left VA. The car won't start, so I have to walk to Dumdum. I get there at 11:30 (1 hour), Dad wrote and said that the account is overdrawn. It is a better house -- more light than Dumdum -- Pat says, does this mean you're quitting? In a grocery store, two men, Jeannette and I buying butter. Jason (3) sitting at a table, Janet is going to have another. I ask if it's name will begin with J. He says its name will be Jennifer, I say it can't (he already has a sister named Jennifer (5). I ask what's her middle name -- he says SS, Richard. [Dumdum parents very "liberal" -- when discussing at the weekly meeting of staff and parents, one staff reported finding Jennifer having sex with a 3 year old boy, Janet said she didn't want to be a prude but she didn't want her to have VD before she even started Kindergarten.]

Go to visit Pat -- Jeannette, Steve, Gerald,me. Nobody talks -- Jeannette talks on phone -- calls Pat my old boyfriend. My mother there. I tell her about a hat with a veil because I'm embarrassed.

On the way to the reservoir. See little girl and boy playing by road. Pick them up and take them to first red light/Burlington. This is punishment for playing by danger, they have to walk back, but I take them with me to Gayle's (Scott's mom)/ her closet. Get to house -- father home, wants me to babysit later, he is cooking, I ask for ride. House is old, very nice, has old beds -- lots of fireplaces. Two girls go ahead on road moving birds, birds eating each other. Get there, it is some exibit extending over several hills. Guy keeps clinging to me. I get away -- white Pinto with keys -- Barb left note on the side that she took our car and I'm supposed to take this one.

River flooding. Guy carrying other guy is near edge. People at edge on land "can't" reach him -- don't really try. Someone says, that guy couldn't swim far, but he swam 38 miles. I jump in -- swim far, current carries, go faster if don't swim. Caught on fence. Guy says, have to watch out for rabbits, deer. I ask, how about snakes, find thing on bank -- wear like hat.

Looking at clothes -- two scenes. Goodwill - I pick a short blue jacket that turns red. Can't find anything in women's so go to men's. Then find a woman's uniform, gray pants, gray bikini like God's eye, hat with tight veil, weird pink little hat (in nap room). Story about black girl who yells she can't take it anymore -- bison walked through garden. Men from village come to arrest her and she "goes last", locks three doors. Then there are two men, little old lady tells them how to suck their own cocks. Then in truck with Dad -- concerned about how he looks. Wants to put off building fence and hay -- young ones don't want to get it done. Mothers working on pictures at Mary St -- working on picture of reversed -- The Matador -- bull painting picture of matador. Shirley asks why parking is so hard. I say because they don't study modern in modern English. Greg -- I tell him what happened, three older women there -- I get the feeling from social services. Three sisters in control -- have already been rated, oldest third. Guy picks her. She's worried and her husband isn't there -- she asks him whether to plant 50 or 100 acres.

Grandma's -- going down driveway -- guy driving in plowed field, other guys come out and cover up tracks. We go to store. I get 7 Up -- but it's really orange and turns to beer. I foret to get the rest of the groceries -- fall down and break the beer. This happened before on the same spot. Go to building -- plants. Mom and Jean water them about every six weeks. Cactus is not doing well. Coleus is dead, begonias have gotten roots. There are also hollyhocks that have small roots, I'm amazed.

At Dumdum -- I stay until afternoon. Hug Pat, read books with kids, dreams, fell on floor, fell into cookie dough. Bobbi paying every week. On street, Steve meets Dave -- I go to look for bathroom. He says I'd look good 1/4 smaller. I have trouble walking -- can walk if I turn around and walk backwards. Then close my eyes and see old castle -- me sitting on ground in jeans -- skirt. I get up and begin digging -- find stuff buried after invasion. Man comes who is very mean. Other girl knows holds to calm him down. He has a hole in his neck --round. Becomes a little boy --ask him if he'd like to learn to read. Dumdum meeting, I put on PJs top with button missing. Have to clean up remains of wedding -- we eat it -- bad tasting white fish. Everyone gone, I have to clean up alone. [Mary Jane told me she had her mother tell her the lasagne recipe for her husband's law partners and they went out to buy a steak dinner after she served it.]

Steve and I go to lunch and then back to high school. I swoke a cigarette, first light filter, then tear it off. Others there, smoking in a circle, crave but cig not satisfying. Go upstairs -- remember locker, four numbers. Someone says next step in Steve's job -- people are snobs and will come and look over house. Terri lifts a circle like a clockface and sees them -- also says, you won't get anything you want from now on. Change -- we are taking apart the clock which is a "fortune teller" which moves around like Tarot in a circle. I look at the sheet, which is a thick newspaper and it says the dream fluid will double and I'll have more power -- Terri was lying. Go to study hall. Woman talking to boy -- rest have to be quiet. I decide to work on art. I have to go to the bathroom. I say to Terri, isn't it strange to be back here (high school)? We have to finish.

Camping on hillside. Snow or water falls on us sometimes -- a drop. Older guy there -- complains because some get to live a long time -- because of the drop on us. I build a fire with a magazine that is out of date because it advertises narcotic plum trees. I go to the mailbox at Mom's -- lots of mailboxes now -- get a whole pile of Readers Digests.

Go on forced journey to north. Two wagons pulled by horses. One driven by girl. The guy has the perfect name and something else --girl is surprised he didn't give it to me -- is a quarter. Old guy ready to leave with him. I get him to give me quarter and I put it in candy machine. Outside, warm again. Old guy turns to bowl of ice - I chop him to pieces with hammer. Mosquitoes (birds) sing loudly. A walk, I sleep with another woman on a skateboard and Jerry pulls us -- we get off near home. See a guy in a blue dress, nice legs, shoes. He comes up -- we're looking in a window for light -- female impersonators meeting. He calls us rich -- Dumdum Dooley. Very mean. We cross a small rock dam -- river very deep, find clams, then large snail shells -- snail still in -- have to clean out. Go into house, sit on floor near Liz Taylor. I go into kitchen -- plants very nice, big in doorway, I dry dishes, noodles come out of oven -- it's stone soup. Remember that Pat Dooley borrowed lots of money.

I am in a houseboat. I decide to wash the dishes - which are on the floor. I feel nudging on my back --turn around. It's Pat, naked, on the way outside to play with friends, he wants a blowjob.

I am standing in a doorway. Pat appears with a girl with curly dark hair. He grabs her and bends her over backwards, she's very passive, but resentful. It is a reading -- man from S Vietnam reading from various books. I begin to notice people in the audience -- Allan Kornblum with a swing set in the background. They are all men and want to get rid of me. I get up to leave but a bed appears and Pat puts the girl on the bed. There is a large metal clip that has been in her thigh for a long time. We talk about how to get it out -- the men say just yank it. I want to open it very carefully, start to, but can't get up my courage -- afraid it will hurt more. The eat a piece of her flesh like potato chips. Voice, you knew each other in Belgium, you're the same sign. [Ronnie had to have IUD removed Pelvic Inflammagory Disorder and so did I --

slipped and perforating uterus.]

We help Pat move -- I have to carry sacks of potatoes, oranges and apples and can't until I put one on my head. I catch up with everyone else -- have to cross a bridge that is like a pulley over a swamp. It sinks into the mud, Pat is explaining that grass comes up through the water in the summer, which he doesn't like. I ask, why did we have to walk around the circle when we could have stopped at the bridge (night at the circle, day at the bridge) "do you think you're driving a car when you're walking?" He just looks through me, makes me mad but I don't know what to do. When I leave, I meet a man who lives on four acres and is building a modest house next door to another man on his four acres who is rich and throws his money around. The first is tricking the second out of his deed -- gives him a xerox and extends it to me on a long flexible thing like the bridge above us. Then a group of people drive further down the road -- all the houses have been burnt, but progressively more completely -- until only the fireplace and chimney, then only the fireplace is left. We come to Van Meter and the first two houses going into town have burned -- Suckow's (but it is Peggy Parrish, a widow in the dream) and Herman's (tall, center on basketball team, mom spoke French, dad traveling salesman, 13 kids, went bankrupt and had yard sale) (we carpooled to Howard Johnson's -- she had a blue Volkswagon bug -- after Beach Boys left, she told me our boss punished her by making her scrub grout in showers, she ran away to California). I go to Pat's, we and other people sit on the corner of Dubuque and Court making a quilt. A dark haired girl especially is very happy. We all go to Pat's -- where in the driveway we all work on sewing. I am making a noose to strangle dogs. However, when it is done, everyone has made the same thing -- dog masks. Which are white, knitted, with fringe.

Roses outside kitchen window. Small ones under pear tree, snails. See trails from garden over the tools and wall. Large snail has periscope, like dinosaur. Inside, sweater -- I ask if Linda Ronstadt's or Arnie's (Theresa Martin's). Fig bars, pumpkin pie -- Thanksgiving, porch floor changes direction. Rubbing off old grass with a carrot. Rows of booths, like library or foreign language lab, clean them. Lightning flashes, one hits in crescent shaped pile of hay. cow there before. Feels like Lakeshore Drive in Chicago -- museum with Egyptian tomb and mummies.

> 12/74 I take the car in to have holes fixed. There is only one
> mechanic who is surly at first. We take the side of the car off adn
> underneath is okay. A fog comes up until it is very thick -- even filling
> the building. Then we are down at the bottom of the hill, it has rained
> and is very fresh out in the country. We walk back to the shop past my
> parents house which has new paint, shingles, ticket booth by the sidewalk
> and new hog house. The mechanic flirts, says we need pop and is going to
> pour water on my head.I hide in a room and yell at him. He says one valve
> is bad -- also one screw was loose from the pressure when it smoked and
> now it's better than before. [Datsun bought in 78 had a bad valve and had
> to have a new engine in 97.] Now I run off with a girl, we buy a whole
> bunch of candy bars, sit in a barrel. I sit in one too small on her
> right, then in one of dried fruit on her left. I eat dried fruit instead
> of candy bars. There was a screw loose in my tooth and I screwed it back
> in. [I had an absess the weekend Nixon resigned in Aug 74 and the dentist
> made the filling too big and it cracked the tooth below it -- I wished I
> could screw it in a little more, he refused to grind it down, said it was
> done right even though I felt like I couldn't completely close my mouth.
> I just lived with it until another dentist ground it down for me years
> later.]
>
> Another girl and I are in a cornfield. We hear a beautiful woman's voice
> singing and can't see her. Other women gather to the left and we want to
> move towards them to find the woman. But we don't and soon they are by
> us. They go past us, look entranced, but I stop one woman and point out
> that something is about to begin. We sit down and other people appear
> around us -- a group with cups on the ends of long poles -- for popcorn
> and a country boy on either side of a row of corn. Talking to an old
> ticket taker about art and school. My sister and I on a sidewalk - she
> does push-ups. A football game is going on, a kick -- Allan Manning is th
> kicker. Goes straight up 3000 meters through a hole in the sky like a
> donut. He catches the ball, fumbles it, downs it, then passes to himself.
> I do push ups, surprisingly easy. My aunt yells to ask if I am going to
> California and I say yes. My sister, mother, aunt get in the car too.
> [We moved to Los Angeles in Sep 76.]
>
> Julie says we can live on her land (really Dad's land at Ponderosa in
> Montezuma, Iowa). There aren't any trees. I say, good, then we won't
> have to cut them down.
>
> I'm working washing dishes -- milk jars, there are donuts. Woman comes in
> and accuses me of reading my book instead of working. My book is in my
> pocket of my smock. Teh sound of war is approaching. I decide to run
> away but it's too late. Pink, yellow cars adn planes drive in/land full
> of people from another planet. They are evil because they're all the same
> -- no individuals. They are a steady bumper to bumper stream of traffic
> on all the streets, so I am on an island. Things seem desperate. I run
> across one street. A man and I run through a building, they chase us, he
> says, "now you see why I don't like them, they are all the same, so they
> take turns chasing us." I begin kicking them in the solar plexus. We get
> over a wall with barbed wire, then reach the seacoast where there is a
> building, two women and one man, many other people, hippies. There is
> only one small sail boat with a fat guy. It's caught in the ice -- we
> look out the window at it. Some people go into a room with no windows and
> lock the door. I am in there but push my way -- they are slow and
> mechanical. The man does too, we call to ech other -- Deek. Later we
> come back. The city is round with barb wire around it. Everyone has
> adjusted to the new rule and are rich. The man says, "we break in." I
> say, "why?" but I go too. We break into a matron's house to tell her that
> her daughter is going ot marry one of the outside men (she rules the
> house.) She tells her husband, "look, no money and she's five years older
> than him." She calls for her doctor. He says, I already did your pelvic.

> There is an ape man on the loose -- a gorilla with very shiny black
> fur and a smooth shiny black face. He kills a woman. Then there is a man
> walking by a beautiful river with tall grass on the bank and the gorilla.
> Puts out his arm and grabs him. the man shoots, but he gorilla kills him
> and rips him apart. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson come along an say,
> "oh, my, how terrible." The gorilla's head is sitting to one side sliced
> horizontally into three slices. There is also a grapefruit sliced the
> same way but only the flat center slice is there. Sherlock says, "if only
> we could find the other piece." He looks at the dead man -- whose fingers
> point to an over-grown trail to the piece of grapefruit. He gets it --
> Watson finds one at the same time. The gorilla appears at the other end
> of the trail -- coming back to eat more. Sherlock and Dr. Watson run fast
> but weird, leaning back and lifting their feet up high. The gorilla is
> right behind them. Dr. W says, "that guy shot him." Sherlock, "but he
> only had time to shoot straight, LBJ would have stuck the gun in his mouth
> and shot up." They come out into a clear place and jump aside and a man
> with a gun shoots a man and a gorilla with one bullet. He holds the
> gorilla's hand while it's dying. Then Dr. W and Sherlock are alone on a
> road made of small red tiles which leads into a circular clearing, like an
> amphitheatre. Sherlock says, "not many people know about this place, so
> it's overgrown and fertile."
>
> A man and I have a house in a place like a motel. I improve it --
> make it look like a picture on the wall, but putting straw on the floor.
> It is very shiny and golden. We go out and I notice we've tracked straw
> on the hall rug. It is so beautiful I plan to weave it. We wander through
> some sort of museum looking at things. We start down the stairs and I
> find a large teddy bear and pick it up. Then a dog comes and I stuff the
> bear in its mouth and run out the glass doors. There are doors on the
> other side that are locked that the man tries, and I yell at him to come
> my way. He throws a fire cracker at the dogs, they yelp and rich people
> come out in beautiful dresses and furs. We stop at a tavern on the way
> home, stools are too tight, little kids there are eating something awful
> with weiners and white stringy stuff on a paper plate.
>
> The daughter is in a long dress lying in a box or slot. I ask her
> if she felt different from them -- she says, "yes." I ask, "why didn't
> they think you were weird?" She, "I am what I am, there was no one to
> compare me with."
>
> 12/18/74 At my parents with Annie and another woman from Julie
> Sundevil's commune. We are going to feed the rabbits then go shopping.
> One girl won't feed the rabbits. Asleep, I wake up. Annie says, "you
> freak me out." I ask, "why, because I sleep too much?" but she won't
> tell me. She goes to play with her baby. I get up, go out to do chores
> and have on yellow hip boots. Tom is there, also feeding his animals.
> Annie goes ahead to feed her goat. A calf is lying on its side in the mud
> and cold water. Two calves are talking, one lying down says, "maybe if my
> mother was here, what is your mother like?" One standing, "I don't know,
> I never saw my mother." One lying down, "was she dead?" Someone is
> dying, very cold. It didn't know that it was lying down. Tom says to
> pour warm milk on it and it will revive and he gives me his. I do that
> and it disappears. I and some others are putting things back in the shop.
> I take toilet paper in the barn (my Christmas present) -- it has been
> converted to a house, very stark and white with one piece of furniture --
> either a bed or table and chest of drawers. People in there are playing
> cards. I don't have any Christmas presents for them. Looks like a
> popcorn ball wrapped in empty candy sacks. My sister comes back with $1
> bills for presents. Little kids are racing around showing things. They
> go up in the hayloft, which now faces the house and has a large mesh
> screen across it. A man says, "am I looking out now?" Evidently you
> can't see out, just in, or else it means being careful.
>
> 12/20/74 Steve and I are living in our car at a parking meter --
> sex is embarrassing. I go to a class on crystal balls. I see a middle
> aged, old (maybe me) and a doll of myself sitting on a couch with a
> Snoopy standing nearby holding a doll of himself. My crystal ball gets
> melted dents where my fingers were. I look on the box, it was made on
> Friday and is called Rose on Rose. It melts completely. Going out, I see
> her pool, plants and beads, meditation area, very beautiful. There are
> two books in a box (about Egypt) that I want. [I have a girl Snoopy on my
> desk from a candy box on Valentines Day 1999 that Sandy Cortez gave me. I
> called a psychic named Rose in 1978.]
>
> I am taking care of kids in a house where women also tiny. One
> little girl who is three thinks she's grown up. when I pick her up I fall
> over because she is heavy. The kids fill the bathroom with about five
> inches of water -- which runs out the door when I notice it. Allan Appel
> leaves a note for Allan Kornblum that he's going back to NY. I walk out
> and get lost in a hospital. A horn blows and then a cart crashes through
> the door running into twin men. I finally get through and am in a train
> station -- I try all the stairs, one leads to the tracks where a bum is
> sleeping, the other to the engineer's office which doors are very nice
> with wood. I look for the bathroom and find a beautiful house full of
> plants, large rooms and a huge bed with a gray bedspread.
>
> Christmas Our cars are stuck at the bottom of a very steep slide.
> Cars go bumper to bumper pushing each other up. Steve goes next to last,
> me last -- neither makes it. We go away for awhile. I am married to Ted
> (stepfather) and can't remember when. I decide I'd better get a divorce
> before there's property involved. Ted has a split hoof. Kids hide behind
> furniture, then run to a new place; almost collide in the middle.
>
> 12/26/74 There it a yeti outside, furry, wearing blue jeans and a
> scarf. It stole Nathan, a baby. I look out the window and it (hiding
> behind a tree) says, "come out and play with me." A man grabs the yeti
> and it drags him down the hill, flying after, and I wonder why he doesn't
> let loose. I am afraid and hide on the floor, but then go out to save the
> baby. My hat is outside trampled in the mud when I look for it to cover
> up my red hair -- it might like my hair. [A nurse at the VA hospital in
> Iowa City was interviewed in a book by Brad Steiger about a yeti she saw
> around the same time I did.]
>
> Maureen is living with Dad, she says he's easy to bribe (brib) -- he
> doesn't really love her. She never brings her son, Joel -- she is
> ashamed. He looks just like her ex-husband, but he has blond hair. I ask
> her about the yeti. She says he said, "la la" (no in Arabic). I ask her
> if he'll come inside the trailer, he might when no one is home -- door has
> no lock, just Smokey to guard it. I am distraught, say, now I can never
> go outside in the woods or down to the Marina again. There are two girls
> living with me, a blond and a brunette -- brunette has dominant
> personality. Everyone says, "there's someone at the door" -- he looks
> like an Arab. They let him in and I go through the trailer shutting doors
> behind me, and say if I don't look at him nothing bad will happen. He
> comes in the room and is short, blond, crew cut. I want to go back in and
> get my Tarot cards because they're my most valuable possession and I'm
> afraid he'll do something to them. I have to go to the bathroom but he
> keeps coming in and finally I go in front of him -- he might be the dark
> girl's boyfriend. He says some of the cards are reversed. I think of
> asking the cards about him and the dark girl says something about money in
> bank. I grab her by the neck and she turns into a Ball canning jar -- I
> threaten to break it and ruin her face if she doesn't tell me. I think of
> hiding the card, but why bother, I probably won't be around much longer.
> I go back in the bedroom and there is music playing that makes me feel
> better. I talk to the Arab -- he is eating crackers and cheese and asks
> how to get to town with a big pile of presents. I say, "hitchhike" and he
> leaves. The two girls and kids are still there and the dark girl says we
> can have fun -- outside it has become spring, there are boysenberries and
> I reach for one and hit the glass. The dark hair reaches for one and gets
> it -- wow, I'm impressed and ask her if she looked in the crystal ball and
> she says, "no, she had a dream. She tells it, she was living with the
> hasidim -- I saw the book by the bed and think she's making it up. The
> two girls say, "you don't love us" very accusingly. I say, "no!" They
> say, "why." I say, "because I hardly know you." Now we are in the car,
> the dark girl in the back seat -- I ask her her dream again. My dream
> notebook is lost among all my old notebooks. [Steve hypnotized Pat Dooley
> and me and my hand really did feel like it was floating, and then I was
> suddenly outside my body outside the trailer on the steps. A blond guy
> with spikey hair ran out of the woods behind the trailer towards me with
> fists up in a running stance, smiling, and scared me and I was back
> inside.]
>
> I take a baby out of a wine rack thing and it is a boy. I kiss it
> -- very glad to see it. Henry is in the house with me and is going to
> take me with him. Steve fights him -- arm wrestling. I meet one of
> Steve's old girl friends named Bonnie in the dream. I ask her why she
> loves him and say that she'll have to leave because we're getting married.
> She says at first she liked him for the sex, but she began to love their
> illegitamate children. I tell her to stop lying or I'll kill her.
>
> I forget how to drive and a man says I have to learn again. I drive
> down a little road, there are four roads in all -- parallel, each one with
> a car on it. Three are made of dough and mine of smashed cracker jacks.
> The hills get so steep they look like W's so I get on one of the dough
> roads -- which stretches and pulls you back.
>
> I meet a woman going to the hospital to steal a baby. I am riding a
> motorcycle and the baby is running along side me. There is heavy traffic
> but the baby can take care of itself. I go too fast and almost fall off
> the bridge into the river. The woman is very exotic, dressed in black.
> Now we are in a car. The baby is blond. It gets out of the car and runs
> away. I tell the man that the woman is too skinny and made-up. I go into
> our neighbor's beautiful, fancy house while they're gone -- through the
> kitchen. There's a casserole on the stove left over from when the woman
> tried to poison the husband (Gretchen and Bob, from Chicago, rich girl
> with epilepsy). They are on vacation and have beautiful books which I
> read. Only been together a couple of months and already married twenty
> five years.
>
> I'm a race car driver. I say, "but everything's a blur." Voice,
> "that's not a blur, that's the turn."
>
> A man warns of disaster and I laugh at him. I drive away and water
> sprays in the window, it's cold. I'm afraid I'm supposed to drive the car
> through the river like Moses. I make it by the river and fall off a
> cliff. I cling to the roots at the top. My two sisters climb up -- one's
> eyes are glowing but she's thinking, not mad. It's a strange situation.
> A fat man comes to drive the car out for me. The wheels wobble.
>
> Steve's mother is dead and he's sitting with her body. He kisses
> her and she comes alive and isn't his mother. She gets horny. He leaves.
> She throws dishes.
>
> My sister needs to lean out over the water so she uses my other
> sister and me as posts -- suspended off the ground. The way to get up
> there is to climb on someone's back, fall off sideways, and then you float
> in the air, then get upright again. We hold the ropes but everything is
> very unsteady.
>
> We are camped out for a concert and get things to sit on -- box
> stuffed with old clothes and a metal box. Tim and Karen are coming -- we
> save an old card table for them. They get a baby bed with pills hidden
> under the mattress. Steve takes a jar of them. I find him sitting by the
> hydrant. Three nuns are putting water in a peanut butter jar -- pills are
> scattered on the gournd. I look at them closely -- the pills taste like
> candy. The nuns argue about whether or not they should give the jar back.
> I say they should. The third one is very loud and says she doesn't have
> to. I think I don't care.
>
> Shelley and I have to stay in a room with a swimming pool full of
> primitive things. We are naked. Shelley jumps in and swims across. I
> help her out -- ask why did you go in. She said, I couldn't help it.
> Before we go in we see the primitive things all in rows -- saying, "look
> at me." They look like very short giraffes. People in the next room are
> watching TV. Shelley's dumb cousin --Ray Radke keeps coming in. Finally
> we can come out. The pool of water is black and the water level has gone
> down quite a ways. They are very slimy but don't bite. There are a lot
> of them.
>
> Throwing baby cats nearer to the food. I protect them from the Tom.
> People talking about selling soap products door to door. Henry Hansen
> knocks. Movie about birds at 6:00 in a river in a canyon. A girls house
> -- I get out her wig head, which has thick red hair. It is alive and very
> charming. I touch her hair and she cries that it hurts.
>
> My sisters and I go to a new school -- Chicago, I look through all
> the rooms for Miss Padley's room. The first room, I had on ice skates and
> skidded in the door. Everyone turns around to look. They are studying
> quietly. The next two rooms I peek in the venetian blinds. The last room
> has a symphony crowded onto the stage. I wonder how they can move their
> arms to play. Then dancers come on. A black woman with no underpants on
> and my legs, white man with long hair with his hand up her skirt and she
> sings a protest. We leave down a long flight of stairs -- I have on high
> heels and the handrailing is too high to reach and has a cap of snow on it
> I don't want to ruin. Mom is picking us up.
>
> We pack to go on a long trip -- everything you could carry. There
> is a sickly girl in the bus. She went back last time. The trip is to a
> library in a desert. The man asks her, she said many people died on that
> trip. Then we are in the back of a truck (another woman and me) in
> dresses, our legs tanned. A boy in the front seat says people in this
> country live longest that wear the most clothes. Just then I see a very
> wide river and a group of people with packs, boots, jeans on its edge
> running towards a creek or ditch of water. I wonder how and why they're
> running. Then throw themselves down and drink, laughing.
>
> 1/1/75 I am with another girl and see a bright light. She says
> we were taken up by a UFO. The bright lights of our wars attracted people
> from another planet who could destroy our planet very easily if we used
> bombs against them. (I wrote this in the dream, there were two versions.)
> I look out the window and there are planes, huge ones, in the sky. I go
> to town. People are walking out of stores with things, but dumb things --
> like candy. I go to a factory and people are still working, but are
> beginning not to. I go north to where our new home is -- Steve has fixed
> up the trailer and Mom put in a garden. Many strangers and family have
> piled into our trailer to wait for the end. I say I never thought the end
> of the world would come in my lifetime. There is new wood paneling and a
> rug on the walls of the trailer. There are lamps for reading. A chicken
> house and other houses are connected to ours by tunnels. There are ducks
> in a round coop and a screened long porch. All of the people as I walk
> home along the road are dragging things out of their sheds and using them
> to build. When I get back, a man asks me sullenly, "what did you bring?"
> (started as a shopping trip for a present for my grandmother). I say,
> "information."
>
> I am with a man I like and go for a ride in his boat. He tries to
> come closer and gets dumped in the water. I don't. Another man comes on
> shore, Neil Hackman. The first man gets dumped again on the way to shore.
> I have to get out because the two men are going. The first man starts to
> kiss me and I look away but I like him. Then Neil, but I don't like him.
> They leave in the boat and pull me in a boat. Also a little boy on a
> motorcycle. I tell the boy to straighten out the wheel and ride the
> motorcycle on the water instead of being dragged.
>
> 1/2/75 There is a man who kills women with a knife and a scarf.
> He has killed two already. It could be anybody. Even me. A beautician
> and I (Lilian Arnold) figure out that very cold attract very hot. We take
> a bath in a stone basin. We are supposed to play football against two
> other people for $20. they have lost bets on oil recently. I go to a
> factory -- you need a pass. One floor is all clothes, cheap drab ones. A
> reading at the Sanctuary -- Dave goes to something else. He has moved
> back into a big room that will be partitioned. A woman, named Mrs. Dick,
> comes in who has a printing press. Ramonas either being built or torn
> down.
>
> 1/3/75 Go to a store where you have to crawl over the counters --
> in Cleveland. Nothing nice. Class trip -- Betty and others call it
> Sheila's folly. We get to the front -- it's an airplane, captain's area
> -- look out the windows at clouds. Captain drives, turns, etc so we'll
> know we're airborne. Puff of clouds. On the way back I knock off pottery
> and have to pay. The price on a small one is $1700 or $40, I cry. You
> only have to pay 14%. There are more and more. I have to pay $50 and
> that leaves $13, so I pay with a check. The $50 bill has a picture of a
> girl in a bikini on it. I say we should pay cash or they might charge
> more. I have cried so much I'm hoarse. Gram house, Allan is there with
> his friend and says the couch where I'm lying stinks. Old couch from the
> 50s. I tell him to get out or I'll kill him, surprising myself. Man
> talks to him, pounding him on the back, "it's good to see you, Allan, you
> told us to feed the mice brandy and now they've all died of old age."
> Allan doesn't know what to do, says he never drank brandy. We all go to
> the back porch where a wall has been removed. There is a dog and the kids
> try to catch cockroaches as they run to the other side - where the other
> wall is far away in a low cave. A dog is over there who also tries to
> catch things, but they are too fast. I see a very scroungy mouse -- fur
> all ruffled up that is on crutches. All kinds of bugs and mice begin to
> come out of the wall and run to the other side.
>
> 1/4/75 I play a tennis game, but with ping pong paddles and ball
> with a black man. then another black man takes my place and lots of
> people come --to be referees. Two girls circle around each other by the
> guy who took my place. One is his girlfriend, the other pulls up her
> blouse and shows her stomach. She walks away saying, "I love him, I'm
> just kidding."
>
> 1/5/75 I have to go to the dentist, Dr. Banwart, after school. I
> stop to call, but then decide to just go over. I am sitting on the wrong
> side of the car driving and scrape an old car and break the frame and
> knock off the back (old blue station wagon). My sister yells at me, but
> she was in the driver's seat -- could reach the pedals. I lay down some
> small change while looking at the damage. A woman and kids come out and
> make a big deal over the coins "thank you, thank you." There is a blue
> rooster we are trying to coax over from across the street, something about
> "fat" "Rossa". this proves she was a whore, my mother says -- her name
> means fat just like Lil in our language. She drives down the lane very
> fast running over chickens about six inches tall. some are brown and
> speckled, some yellow. Loudspeaker, "come back later in the year if you
> want the white ones." Get home, Dad comes home from work, says, "don't we
> have enough that you don't have to bother with the blue rooster?" He is a
> reasonable businessman type. Dream started -- I'm in town to take a test
> from 11:30 - 1:30 AM. Rosemary, English teacher stops and says, "why are
> you hear so late, it couldn't be to take a test." I work at a library --
> put all the children's books away by what they are about. We are on a
> large ship and threw the bad guy over-board. The captain says, "how about
> here?" The bad guy says, "no, wait until there's another ship nearby."
> Early spring, I'm picking dandelions on the hill but don't ask them if it
> is okay. A horse appears and scares me away. My brother calls, "corn" to
> lure it. I make bean soup at Dumdum and sit down to go to the bathroom
> and Liz Taylor followed by Richard Burton appear to pick up their kids.
> they are noiseless on the stairs.
>
> 1/6/75 I am looking in the mirror and a huge black mosquito comes
> and I squash it. The trails keep getting bigger. Pretend and look down.
> You're walking down the trail and then the opposite branches in. Pretty
> soon you lose track of the underbrush the trails get so wide.
>
> 1/8/75 Baby, man doesn't like it -- is sharp to it. I start to
> pick it up, but it pushes my arms away, gets off the other side of the
> couch and walks (dark haired baby). We have a four year old boy. Man
> talking about something abstract being fair. I say, "why do you shave off
> all his hair then?" (blond hair crew cut)
>
> 1/9/75 I live in a very large apartment of my own. The bedroom
> is long and carpeted and has sliding glass doors with drapes. I open the
> drapes in the bedroom and there is a beautiful green scene with golden
> light. Golden light went out, my family rushes in and ruins everything.
> Two girls are getting dressed for the big night. The blond has on a blue
> skirt and red blouse and asks what else she should wear -- I say the white

> shawl, but she says, no she is getting married in about a week and doesn't
> want to get it dirty. The dark haired girl has burgendy clothes, very
> beautiful with blue embroidery on the front. They ask which one is
> beautiful. I say both, the blond for her simplicity and the brunette for
> her fine clothes. I go by fancy long houses, a store -- very narrow, but
> with mirrors on both sides. Rocks with glitter on them. A dinner in a
> crowded room. I show off lifting chairs. Bryan Jennings does something
> to my food and ruins it. I travel down highway 90, past Booneville, to
> Gram H road and turn off. There's a little blond girl there (3 or 4
> years old) who counts day and night. this is what keeps the cars moving.
> There is a redheaded girl baby who people point out is beautiful -- tanned
> skin. I am on the way to school where things get taken in and out of the
> closet. Steve, Pat, and I riding to VA with Allan to pick up Cinda. We
> just took some drug and I ride on the outside of the car with a pillow on
> the trunk -- there's no room for all the heads in the car. Steve sings
> songs in the front seat. Get there, a tree blooming with four colors of
> flowers and I get out and pick some and get inside the car. Cinda gets in
> and says, don't talk to Joetta (they are behind us) and she winks and says
> something that sounds like, Book of the Dead. People get roped into a
> parade. One guy after a stripper - she has on blue high heels. He tries
> to rope her foot, circus is in a maze, also stores. It is about over. I
> enter a room where I think a choir is practicing for Sunday. But it is a
> wedding of two beautiful people. They start the wedding and the bride and
> groom race to the aisle. The bride slides and the groom climbs over pews.
> They take off their clothes except their underpants and hide notes there.
> They argue about a phone number. I go through an old house, it looks like
> each room is someone's. Old peoples', some very poor -- just have bed and
> some junk. Some have glass top tables with pictures of naked women. Go
> up stairs. A woman and little boy come up and I hide. They come into
> that one and I hide behind door, woman says, "Willy, you came home." Two
> pieces of spaghetti in my throat, I look for beads or tube to put around
> them. I take a drawing class in an empty movie theater and draw a man's
> face and the man appears. I trail three bad guys carrying a box. First I
> am an old man trailing them. They see my red dress through the trees. I
> walk past a field that was leveled and large transplanted trees loading
> stuff for Canada -- water and things from garbage. I go back to my aunt's
> house, two servants, termites ate the door frame, sports on TV, baby
> crying. I say, clean curtains, take baby outside. The servants hate me.
> It is snowing outside and the sky is clear with big round clouds. I find
> a bird's egg that is cracked and show it to the kids I'm taking care of -
> they say it's been there a long time. I'm with a little girl with big
> eyes, she's teaching me to sit down. Driving to school -- bump another
> woman's car, then mine is in a ditch and has one flat tire, then gets
> another one. Little man, fifteenth floor, builds a pulley and ropes
> system to move buckets to sixteenth, no help. Hard to find, capped hero,
> stirs with his foot, probes, a movement in the reeds, eating, a lot of
> hard work. Car which backs up when enemies come -- I wonder if it will
> work. Shooting at targets -- first two people get ten bulls eyes. A
> woman with tight pants gets all her shots in the two rings outside center.
> Kid -- bullets all hit edge of wall and richochet off. After awhile, you
> only get five shots. I decide to try it. At a store with Mom and Sandy
> -- I buy steak and hamburger, keep forgetting strawberrries. Mom says I
> weigh 260. I ride back from the woods where she hid me from my boyfriend,
> in a convertible with my aunt and uncle -- Jack and Jane -- in phone
> contact with other fancy car. A man drops me off, car still moving, so I
> have to walk back. Cars stopping, something about old man in line at
> dentist, says I weigh 240 pounds, getting prescription, girl leaves,
> retarded boy tries to do her job. Find five short words in five long ones
> -- all "no", some "me" "na". Mayasa really a boy (second five year old
> Arab girl that is really a boy.)
>
> We move around from place to place -- we are waiting for a train.
> We move to Booneville. There is a church almost ready to fall down -- a
> prop holds it up. Dead end streets or alleys. A man says -- aren't you
> going to find out about birth control -- he means classes. I say, no side
> effects. He says, that's not what we hear, if you can still get around
> you're lucky.
>
> In K-mart with Mom and sisters -- I go to grocery store, racing Mom
> -- see man talking to someone who isn't there. Go out, sink into mud past
> ankle -- dress and nylons, foot sunk in. Walk past Grandma's towards
> home. I have learned to walk by singing and going in time -- which is
> fast. Car and truck approaching. One is grandparents and the other is
> Dad and they are going to pass on either side -- I have to concentrate on
> staying in the middle. They don't do it after all -- pass on horses, very
> powerful, muscular. They stop to talk, rather peeved. There is another
> horse in the driveway which has crossed its legs and laid down on air --
> 2-3 feet above the ground.

> I look out the window -- three dogs are watching my door. A
> man comes in with two blond, crew cut boys -- also other people. I have
> to take care of them all weekend because I've been paid. Mayasa taken to
> psychiatrist who decides she should go back with her father. Riding bikes
> down hill -- I have a bike a man just got off of. Look over a very sharp
> hill and see a shallow, clear water pool with leaves in it -- say now we
> can swim in the summer. My sister says, it probably has leeches. The
> dogs are swimming from their side view. Little boy in our bed (I yell at
> the man), I want peace and quiet - I do this all week. Our old house is
> going to be torn down. I go to get film and C batteries, man slams them
> down. I say, I wish I could go up and look at/get some things -- the
> building seems to be falling apart on its own. I say it's a wonder we
> could live there. When you grab a pig by his collar though you're only
> seven and he pulls you out to pasture where he will. Yogurt for closing
> pores and preventing infection. Dad explains some sort of IQ test -- a
> cart with a pony. The pony's head is in the curtain, I go and get it to
> try to figure it out by myself -- he is doing a character analysis. I'm
> making a cake but when I open the oven it's full of dirty dishes (Mom hid
> the dirty dishes in the oven when guests showed up unexpectedly.) There
> was a splinter of glass, from under my arm I think. I pull on it,
> thinking it's a splinter of ice in my heart and when it comes out it is a
> pane of glass. Linda Arnold (from highschool, a nurse) at Alice's daycare
> (down the street from Dumdum, open 24 hours). Food on beds of lettuce
> (she is very thin).
>
> Woman next door to woman who writes chain letters to her
> next door neighbor (neighbor woman when I was a kid made obscene phone
> calls to men). Steve at movie talking to woman and I come and sit down --
> have short matted hair. The poets spread peanut butter in their cubicles.
> One had a magnifying glass about four feet tall with a gold handle -- he
> took the handle and left the glass, like a large glass of water. (Can use
> a glass of water for a crystal ball.)
>
> In a dark house, a man and I go into a room where there's a
> tape recorder -- we hide in the dark, in a closet. Older people come in,
> first man hangs up his coat, other one comes over -- they light up the
> room because light comes from them. Mom and Grandma make me a birthday
> cake with two layers and two flared cakes set on edge. They had tufts of
> hair in a circle. I try to reproduce the cake and use parsley when I run
> out of hair. A woman hits me on the forehead with a big hammer.
> Everybody loves a baby. If you just pay attention to what happens when
> you close your eyes. Put it down on his table and hurry away. A place
> with a little boy on which everything depends -- the doorway is a very
> well-built box.
>
> A woman takes my place on Sunday morning with the kids.
> Someone reads to them outside -- they are in the form of a triangle. Two
> men are on the porch. I swing out from the porch on a rope -- following
> instructions -- until you get to the part where you get back on the porch.
> I slide down the rope. I want a piece of chocolate pie and go out for a
> walk with my notebook. A woman asks me to make a small pot of coffee
> because the big one didn't taste good. They get cute after they get a
> little tiresome -- pictures over fireplace fall down like records in a
> record selector.
>
> We are outside a primitive log cabin in the woods. It gets
> dark and the wind is blowing. I go and lock myself in the cabin -- which
> has two rooms -- the door has two locks, one for pushing the door in (a
> wood block) and one for pushing it out (a metal hook) -- the hook wouldn't
> work by itself. I look through the door into the second room and see a
> shadow on the floor that looks like a person and run out -- tell the man
> outside I want to leave. Several more rough people (hunters) come. They
> have some dead animals and some wounded. I end up in the cabin, which is
> now brighter lit, with them (the dead pheasants are in the second room,
> they are as big as the room). I go back in the other room and on one side
> are the dead ponies, three of them and in the other corner the injured
> ones stacked up against each other. I walk by them and there are lots
> more crowding up against me. One of the ponies, a beautifully shaped
> white one with a very delicate nose, gets violent. I hold its nose/ mouth
> shut, but it kicks around with its feet. Voice, "someone else hold its
> nose." I climb on a shelf -- there are dead birds on one end of it and by
> the door another live pony which is doing something with a piece of paper.
> I move farther down the shelf because I'm crowding it.
>
> A young girl comes by in the rain. We (a mother) give her
> dry clothes, something to eat. There is a party that night. In school
> yard -- put nails under my tires, try to steal car. Later wanted job,
> woman got job helping farmers.
>
> I go down in the basement of a house; when I go back up to
> lock the door -- a man pushes me back who is from another planet. He
> watches from a window -- my sister and brother on the bed. I check for
> other doors and find three that aren't locked. The man and woman come
> down, we have to clean. There is a very fancy room (thick carpet) to the
> right. I try to tell Sandy (she's deaf in the dream) but she won't read
> lips, says "huh" loud. The man is from another planet and wants to
> mummify us and take us back.
>
> Attic of grandma's -- checking plants in sunny window. One,
> the leaves should be cut right a 11:00 -- this makes them taste like the
> plant's blooming. It is blooming -- alfalfa like blooms, white and purple
> leaves like daisy but small leaves are more pronounced. Three letters not
> there, tet, resh. (I took 3 semesters of Classical Hebrew in college --
> last semester you start reading the Bible in the original (dead)
> language.)
>
> We live at Dumdum. My parents and uncle come -- I don't
> have a gift for the uncle -- get in car, my brother won't close the door.
> Go to K-mart for food, man hands me Wonder bread, I buy a blackboard and
> two books -- useless things. Go back out, car is in pasture -- others say
> clutch is leaking or transmission. By blouse is off, put on a green one
> -- it is probably brake. Start down hill, is brakes -- go in ditch.
> Barnlike service station. My car looks like a vacuum cleaner. Man in big
> white cadillac comes. Very long tunnel leads to school. I go in a
> Greek-like portico -- with vases. Someone gets people to work. I go.
>
> I go into a palace -- if the lights were on it would have
> plants made of jewels, beautiful fountains, colors. But the lights are
> off. The floor is black and white checkerboard tile. The fountains are
> transparent chandelier looking stuff. It tinkles when it moves -- might
> be diamond or crystal, but it might have color if the lights were turned
> on. I look at the big white pillow I'm sitting on and wonder if it might
> be pastel yellow or pale blue. I pick up a peach somewhere -- inside
> people are waiting. I hear, "anybody who has the peach, the bees will get
> them." I try to give it away, eat it, or throw in waste basket but the
> bees know.
>
> 2/17/75 I go outside to the garden at Dad's farm. A frail
> dark woman had gone to the store and the neighbors brought her back. Half
> the garden is ours and half the girl next door's -- the vegetables get
> very small during the winter but are still alive and start growing. I cut
> off our broccoli stems and put them in water to see if they'll re-root. I
> look at the girl's and hers is getting heads -- one potted plant has small
> pink heads which she says are too old -- I say to pinch them off and maybe
> they'll grow new ones. The girl gets broccoli and melons. We get
> coconuts, various small green vegetables. Later I meet a girl putting on
> make-up and put it on for her -- her skin is very firm. The make up is a
> pencil and I make spirals very fast that end up highlighting her
> cheekbones. I put it on myself, but it's harder and I just end up covering
> the freckles.
>
> Jason/3 and Jennifer/5 Good and I are going somewhere
> (Jason is afraid of trying things). He steals a popsicle and I yell at
> him for being barefoot and see that I am too. We come on an area of
> snakes -- one very big snake with about three huge lumps that look as big
> as rabbits, then another (male) snake crawls by -- large brown markings,
> maybe rattlesnake. It comes after us. We came so a man could look at the
> plants, but we turn aside and go back (to study snakes). Voice, "plants
> all around and he didn't look at any." Snake chases us -- even climbs up
> on couch -- it is very fast. Finally we l climb up on a table and throw
> books at it and it changes. Jason goes to a corner where there are
> several small plants and a pool of water and holds up one plant towards
> me. The snake gets in a large saucer of water with dirt and plants -- at
> first everything is cloudy, but then you can see it -- very stiff -- and
> comes forward holding a red flower in its mouth. Looks like a poinsettia.
> A hole in the ground with bones and tatters, a slit -- I look in where
> people are practicing a play.
>
> Kevin (5) dream -- I was walking up a mountain where my
> mother, father and brothers were camping (I thought it was an only child).
> I stopped to look at a snake. The snake came up to me and gave me a rose
> and said, "eat it." It tasted sweet like ice cream and candy. [Serpent
> Wisdom book I just bought has a story of a woman who wants kids and a
> witch tells her to eat a rose. She finds a white and red in a cup and
> can't decide which, so she eats both, after eating the white one -- it is
> very delicious. Then she has twins and the first born is a lindworm and
> crawls away. He demands to be married first before his brother and eats
> two princesses on their wedding night -- then the neighboring kings and
> townspeople become suspicious. The next wife (poor woman) gets advice
> from a witch to wear 10 shifts and make him shed 10 skins, then whip him
> with whips and put milk on him, and he turns into a man.]
>
> Jessie (5) A starfish hooked onto a shark, then a person
> came and hooked onto the starfish, which bit the person -- starfish ended
> up on the ground.
>
> Leah (5) I was sleeping and witches came and took me away
> on their vacuum cleaner -- then they ate me until my bones were bare.
> (Mormon)
>
> Lara (5) There were dogs growing on sticks in my backyard.
> I walked through them and broke off a piece and tasted it. It was scary,
> they were whispering.
>
> Women waiting at house for kids to come back -- projects.
> One woman from last year left an apron. She did crafts but then switched
> to a study of evil.
> [Dream 1960, 9 years old -- Mrs. Grace Young's 4th grade
> class/quit teaching after one year and was later my boss at Howard
> Johnson's. I am walking through a forest scene with tall hedges along the
> path (that you can't see over). I am following a small dog. I begin to
> find dead rabbits along the path. I come to a clearing and my parents are
> working around a fire with a pan of blood on it -- they have drained the
> blood from all the animals in the forest and now they're going to start on
> me. Mom is the brains, Dad dumps the pan of blood and puts the fire out,
> but not before they take some of my blood in a syringe. I get weak. Then
> I'm running down a hill with dead brown long grass and weeds with some
> boys from school. We come to a barbwire fence and I start to climb
> through and then notice some of the boys hanging on the wire, shot. We
> are running through a war with shooting all around us. I think, I must be
> the nurse. [I remembered some of the boys I saw in the dream dead on the
> fence to see if they were the ones who had to go to Vietnam, but I could
> only remember two -- one of the McQueens and another boy a year older than
> me and I don't think either one went to Vietnam.]
>
> Pat, Steve and I sitting on a high bench watching something
> and talking about Tarot cards. Pat says he doesn't have any. I say,
> "then why did I see them?" He says he had some for awhile. A blond girl
> comes and gets between me and Pat -- they are hugging -- Steve and I
> leave. Later we hear that the blond girl (Mary Beyer) pushed Pat into a
> pit (a room with chairs) in the student union. We can hear him praying,
> "I want to go home." I go to put down the ladder, but see Jan, his dark
> haired girlfriend shaking her head no so I put it back and leave. She is
> wearing a black hood and her head is hanging down. [Jan married a
> gynechologist and moved to Texas.]
>
> A person comes with a contest -- win a color TV and two
> other things that look like a bench and a box. I like the bench. The
> other thing, and a voice says, "most people don't like this," a yellow
> mare - very furry and wild acting, her mane stuck out like rays of the
> sun. Then the mare is swimming up and down a river, very fast with a
> child on its back. A brown male horse on the bank tries to swim out to
> the yellow horse but thinks too much. Finally it begins to swim better,
> body rising up farther out of the water. The yellow horse laughs, the
> river gets wider and more wild (or I get closer) and the brown horse swims
> for the other bank. Over there are huge rabbit cages -- a huge black and
> white rabbit curled up in the fetal position (male) but still breathing.
> It is as large as the cage -- side face. In front a very old, but only a
> little larger than life female, front face -- all white with a very large
> beautiful ruff under its neck, that is eating.
>
> I'm in a basement store trying on shoes, thin skinlike gray
> boots. I blame something on other people or my circumstances. Voice,
> "no, it is you." The school bus and Judy and Roger come at the same time.
> If I help them clean up they will take me to Japan. I meet Mom on the
> bus, she says we should go to Tennessee. Riding high sitting down -- go
> through stores, I jump down to look at clothes -- jump on skirt, other
> girl gets it. A series of men -- the ones I pick are drunk, bums.
> Another woman is driving, she drives into a white mist. The bad man keeps
> the good one out of town -- one is shot, a graze of the arm, but his chest
> is all purple when his shirt is off. It seems like a dream now that I'm
> here.
>
> Queen of cups -- strong wind, whirling, person stretched out
> on table in pinkish dress, holes burned in stomach -- could look through
> into another world. I tried and everything moved violently. Voice,
> "women will be affected the most."
>
> Steve leaves me and marries a Ginalie because I am mean to
> him. Their cousin, a very scared and dirty little girl stays with them --
> she picks up the pot and wants help. I am on a ship and someone sinks it
> and we get on top, all naked. I have a book and hold onto handrails. I
> am supposed to be married to Gordon but never see him in the dream.
> Have to get out in 24 hours if don't want to drown.
> Gail Fitzgerald makes me a dress. Steve and I meet and have
> a nice time, then the next time I'm crying on the top bunk. I jump down.
> Gram comes in and asks about his sex life and he says, bad. We go
> upstairs, it's their apartment and one corner of the room is marked off
> with a blanket. Steve sleeps on a cot and Ginalie on a bench. Ginalie
> comes in and makes dinner -- potatoes and rice with sour sauce. I wipe my
> hands on the towel and it turns black, from the potatoes. They say they
> went to the noctural place last night. I ask Ginalie if good, she says he
> has two techniques. Ask Steve, says he can't remember. He says the last
> good time was when he walked into his parents home and a poem came up to
> him. He didn't get a divorce from me. At door, two paths. Gordon
> kissing Steve's dad, mother on bed.
>
> At the office I get three wedding presents and open two of
> them. First was blanket coverage -- security. Second, bottles of baby
> powder which turns into expensive stuffed animals. Someone calls me DiGel
> Exxon (means I'm a hypochondriac). I pick up shiney rocks and two donuts,
> scrape frosting off with a spoon. Young man, under 20, spying to see if
> young people work or fool around. I go back to Dumdum in a black dress
> and high-heeled shoes, very chic -- sweep floor.
>
> Filling out forms outside VA, everyone waiting for Warren --
> various reports -- he's coming by bus, storm delay, etc. I milk the cow,
> Japanese guy thinks Steve is great. Guy finally comes, it's Warren -- I
> hold his arms and push his feet together until they come to get him. Boss
> comes to supper, Mr. Thalken (13 kids, my boss at Herbert Hoover
> Presidential Library) -- square can of V8 with holes already poked in all
> four corners. They drink that very fast, second guy wants it in his
> coffee. Steve is cutting up chickens in the kitchen when I check on him.
> Mr. Soaper, high school guidance counselor comes in. Some forms,
> allowances aren't going to work. Steve laughs every time they say that.
> When they leave, we're happy, now we can go on vacation.
>
> Walking along a fence -- several times and see naked
> footprints in the snow/mud in which the small toes are longer. Man points
> them out, the thing was catching animals. We walk on through the snow,
> first him pulling me and then me pulling him. I hear sweeping noises and
> see a huge broom through a door, see giant's head over wall. Horsemen
> outside holding a child up by the leg, near river. Giant looks in, it's
> Greg, he says, "we like to be around our own kind." Two women try to
> civilize him, we try to get him to go down the chimney.
>
> I go to a party two nights in a row at Dad's house. Living
> room filled with bison, I hide behind a table. The ceiling begins to
> bulge very large and then it breaks and snow falls down. Voice, "people
> think they're sweet and gentle, but they're cruel." Jennifer Good doesn't
> stay behind table. Two boys making fun of thieves -- I say I used to be a
> thief. One had been to Vietnam, other not. I hug one who had, move to a
> new house, man pats me on the ass and I twist his arm. In trailer --
> horse walking around outside -- turn off all the lights, still there.
> Finally he climbs in the bedroom window, points at the closet and says he
> came after the games once before and we hid them (he was a man). He was
> coming back and we'd better run away. He leaves driving a crowd of people
> with pitch forks and sticks before him. Some are studying poverty the
> next day. In the attic of an old house, mean man is going to tear the
> whole thing down even though the attic is nice and could be fixed up.
>
> In my room, phone rings -- my great grandmother, who can't
> remember her name (she's dead). Grandpa (died of lung cancer in 1978),
> everyone is there. If I write a good paper he will give me money. Gram
> gives me a silver ring with a green stone. I go to the student union in a
> green bra and white slip. [Student union: once the electricity went out
> and I could still see Steve's face across the booth like a spotlight was
> on it. Also, for several months in 1972 there were flashes of light like
> flash bulbs for taking pictures that a lot of people saw.]
>
> Little girl runs up to a man who backs away and she falls
> down. Voice, "after all, the shoe of mercy might be on this foot." A
> woman made of ice in the house. I have to find ways around and over her.
> Playing baseball, I'm out, squeeze. I go towards corner of the pasture
> where the wild plum trees grow and the tadpoles were in the puddle in the
> spring (blooms like lemon, leaves like bridal wreath, nest made of pine
> needles.) A slimey nest. Wolf in parking lot of bar, I growl at it
> through the window. Some never look up, some never look down.
>
> My room, is all white, paint two walls blue at my brother's
> suggestion -- hate it. I move bed into corner, chest flat against wall.
> Trying to make space in the middle. I go into my sister's room and there
> is a broken window, can go out on a platform, wind very strong, high up.
> A hay rack comes with cans of blue paint, almost empty. High ceilings,
> ceiling dirty.
>
> I take the kids for a walk, pass a car with an open trunk --
> Jennifer, Lara are in trunk, Mayasa (all 4-5) tells her dad. Jennifer's
> mother smiling, naked. How to tell Sharon? -- she says just write her
> and tell her Dumdum ended. Sharon appears,crying. We talk about power --
> we have to give lectures without any training. Then another woman says
> they had rocks in their socks. Mayasa walks by -- about 14 or more now.
> Voice, "with their short skirts and high bras, so easy to unhook" --
> unhooks mine. Man writing on chalkboard on wall, I go into stall and push
> hairbrush out under door and man grabs it.
>
> I inherit a big house. One room for work -- Allan outside
> talking to himself. I ask, "what are you saying, Talmud (Maiomedies --
> conservative, won't dump water on the Sabbath)?" Lois (commune nurse)
> inside working on something. New man at desk, one person had slept in
> bed. Drugs and music in one room. Girl wants to sell chemistry set to
> someone who'll use it. I'm called back, Paul Ingram calls me back to
> show me dirty pictures but just to write down the structural defects of
> the old lunchroom. Dad boning chicken and pouting.
>
> Sherlock and Watson walk down a street with a row of hanging
> light bulbs with their fingers touching like they're on each side of a
> glass, come to a pile of cantaloups, argue, pile them up and they fall. A
> hand appears and throws one in Sherlock's face.
>
> A big rat in my bedroom -- came out to eat. I run and get
> everyone. Mom brings a pistol, my sister loads it. I use the broom to
> keep it there, whirling the broom in its face to hypnotize it and make it
> very tame -- some says it works like an orgasm. I take out the clip as
> well as three bullets already in the cylinders to unload the gun. Steve
> goes to a movie so I steal Cindy's (Nathan/1 year old's mom) car and go to
> a drive-in.
>
> Sof Mayasa has worms in her legs, her mom pulls off the
> bandages and she screams. The light blinks when she does. My siblings
> and I are looking for Mom -- look in laundromat. Otto is leading some
> anonymous group for diet pills. Call Mom -- 351-2775 and overhear two
> women saying that Mike Blumers has been seen in the neighborhood. Long
> cord on the phone, kids caught in it.
>
> I go to hospital. Group, women in white, man in short
> brown jacket and tights, guards dressed like MPs -- people at hospital
> protesting (I came to give money). I go back, there are royalty in a small
> walled city, inside is open air with grass. I walk down a row of subjects
> -- women sitting smiling. I am the man in brown. The women have long
> veils trailing from their tall pointed hats and I wish I could have their
> pretty clothes.
>
> My two sisters and I take weak acid, walk, find ragged shed
> with a six foot tomato plant and a garden of small plants -- I yell at
> Shirley for walking on them. Home across a wilderness of lakes and trees
> -- begin meeting other people, it is a park. There's a man with red hair
> lying full length, face down on the ground, I ask if he's okay and he
> walks away on his hands -- looks just like a crocodile. Slithers out of
> sight very fast. Go through cave, Shirley

Shirley gets confused, white in her
> mouth (I tell her to spit it out), go back to hospital. Acid in room,
> bring in dead body (red faced woman) gang of kids get it -- in squirt
> bottles. We drink, Karen says take it easy, then go on sun porch --
> showing color movies, can see the clouds, says we're going to stay there
> all night. Helping a woman and sharp trading man push a patchwork quilt.
>
> We sit on a street corner watching traffic, a blue truck
> almost runs into a printers van. Everyone has their dog with them on
> their left side which makes driving more hazardous. A farmer with a very
> small white puppy. Walking down a long hill, I coast, man far behind
> reading a letter. I push a lever in my hand, the brakes, and slow down.
> The view is very peaceful, I feel a great calm, the view is a green field
> with a creek with very clear water. Large orange and white goldfish have
> their heads out of the water and look at me. I hear the man calling me
> and look back -- he dives in the pool and catches one of the huge carp,
> which are dying. I ask why, he says, because of the clay suspended in the
> water. I am married to someone else, but he's always there. I rub
> against him when we pass. Then I find out we're at the ocean and there's
> a sea wall, it is twilight, going down to a huge field of eroded clay --
> furrows all parallel. Sometimes it's snow, it overwhelms me. Two girls
> arrive escorted by another who leaves. We look at the wall more closely
> through the fence -- left side is a fireplace with smoke, on the right is
> what I take for another one but the woman says, "I wouldn't go in there
> for anything, a black hole." I get the idea it's an elevator shaft. It
> looked like a castle with a tower at first. Allan gets Tom Snyder to
> print books and pays him with a universal check (no money) and a letter of
> thanks. The end is a redwood and it has a square stained glass window --
> it is a church built like a trailer. Voice, "why do people live in them"
> I say, "it's cheap."
>
> A group of people ruled by a domineering very short man.
> They all ride horese. Then they throw him off his horse -- taking away
> all his power -- and leave. The horses without riders come around
> menacingly. I whirl a towel around me in a circle to keep them away. The
> man has a partner. They begin throwing rocks at me -- I hide behind
> trees. The first man throws boulders very hard. I catch the smaller man
> when he comes close and hold him face down. The bigger one comes, I gag
> the small one. The big one kisses him and says I thought you were my
> wife, Anaise. We went together to a bar, which was deserted. A sign said
> to get in you must be able to type at least antique. I can get a job
> typing invitations for social events.
>
> I am going to Shaffer Hall. I forget my shoes, wearing a
> long dress. An blond man following me; I call out, Hi, disarmingly.
> There are two men, they go into the lecture (dark room). I sneak out and
> the doorman rapes me -- I only feel the falling down and getting up --
> outside on the icy ground. He says, "that's not a threat, that's the
> truth." It will be pinned on the blond man or else it would have happened
> to him. A very old dilapidated house. I'm supposed to put up screens, go
> in and get a hammer and nails. A man takes the hammer, says, it isn't
> very pretty. Bruce lives there. We come back later -- an old desk
> without drawers he threw out -- it was taking over the room, it was him or
> it. Man is talking to a girl in the other room. I go up circular stairs
> to a tiny room with a narrow bed, I wouldn't sleep in it, right by the
> stairs. Bruce is up there talking about California, leaving some of his
> stuff with us when he moves. Bookcase with old books -- one with gold
> title gets my attention. Room enlarges again, John Sjoberg's (we look
> alike, have the same birthday), picture I take to be me with beard and
> wild eyes, but when I put it back (must be done just right) it turns into
> a picture of a baby taking its first step. Another picture of three
> people. Talking to an old man who is to get shot -- flat place in snow --
> said it had to happen.

> > 1975 continued
> > My postcards returned, mutilated by the mail. Man
> > licking a sore place on my ass. I visit a woman and her servant who live
> > in a bare shack with a dirt floor. Girl runs downstairs, screams. I go
> > to see if she's hurt, she's washing beans, some are blue metal. Happy
> > because she heard from her boyfriend. She's going to wash clothes, I pack
> > mine, too much work for her. Clothes in cab of a truck, I take out a
> > shirt, it fits one girl exactly (blue plaid I had in junior high.) I go
> > to Dumdum and take off my clothes in the upstair bathroom that doesn't
> > work. Greg comes, Margaret, Jerry. I get dressed, pants too big --
> > everyone laughs. Black tights "like kids." At a place with diplomats --
> > they have round coins. We are the edge on one molecule. First time since
> > I became a part. Everythings in circles, oh yeah, nothings your own, just
> > where it all touches, it all touches in the middle. Helping a woman carry
> > an old quilt -- she haggles with the man over it.
> >
> > Two sides of town divided by Carol or Calvin Street.
> > One side people, other side animals in houses. One bird in tree, man says
> > the blue bird led home wolves. Tree grows good apples because soil is
> > right. Go back to people side. Two cards for each of four people. Paper
> > in the middle of the floor with signs and figures on it. Julie --
> > Hierophant and Magician. Hameed to my right - said he didn't believe his
> > cards because he didn't feel separate -- I said some of the things he did
> > seemed "whole", there were burns on the paper where someone else at night
> > used it. A burn on the right the first night and on the left the second,
> > also green wax. Then it's a bed. Little boys in living room, men come
> > from another part of house (cowboys), broken government truck. He's got
> > dark curly hair, goes around fixing them on the ranch, fixes this one.
> > His father started out with one truck and now he and his son fix them. Go
> > out to living room -- other cowboy comes in -- reaches down little boy's
> > pants. I slap his hand; say it will be bad enough if they go through that
> > later. Steve and I go to Pat's -- go in through open window, slide in,
> > neck. Pat comes, picks dead flowers off me, I move away -- very hard
> > pulling back. Go somewhere, I just wear bra. Pat lies on my lap -- Steve
> > mad and leaves. On bed writing or making plan on telephone. Spy. School
> > yard -- two men with rifles. We take them but they can still shoot. So
> > we throw back rifles. They shoot but don't hit us. We walk towards the
> > merry-go-round. Blue bird lands on my coat -- it is the same color.
> > Birds were brought into the house earlier -- I put out food and water for
> > it. Man does the dishes. Look out door, grass grew six inches during the
> > night. The sun shining very warm. [Blue Bird liquor store on Hawthorne
> > Blvd around the corner has a lot of lotto winners starting around 1990.
> > In 1978 I had a dream that a whole flock of blackbirds was flying back and
> > forth in the sky where the UFO was. Then I noticed there was one blue
> > bird flying in front of them. I couldn't see it anymore the third time
> > they wheeled and flew past. This distressed me, anxiety.]
> >
> > Spaceman lands, tall young man, has Betty Crocker
> > cookbook he keeps looking in. Hides in car where I'm in the front seat --
> > says he wants me. I say, no, but wait for him to climb over the seat.
> > Dad comes and gets in, can't see me. I hide, but not very well because he
> > can't see me. He goes off with others to set up a roadblock, spaceman and
> > I get out and walk away -- I go first. Men outside say no one can walk
> > through, but I just keep walking. 201 is new house -- I have new
> > brothers, Rick Gowan, two boys. Shirley has a very small baby that cries
> > alot in her bed. The spaceman and I have our own rooms. [Shirley was the
> > first of us to have kids, a daughter, Jessie round 1981.] Look for house
> > in the C section. Talk about living in Dumdum. [I was trying to dream
> > about a place to move to. Mom and Grandma dreamed about houses they were
> > going to live in.]
> >
> > On a school bus, four hour trip -- goes in a pattern
> > around a town. Town in center, driver says, "now we're going south."
> > Then we arrive at Bob and Shelley's -- Shelley dressed in sweater, white
> > satin blouse with rose at neck, white striped pants. Steve and I go to
> > lake, I didn't bring any food or clothes because he said we were just
> > going to Mom's. I yell, go back. Row of cabins all alike, first one old
> > people, second, theirs, with orgy inclined party. I go outside and sit on
> > a bench to read, two women across with a baby that cries and has to have
> > constant attention. Go back in, two stoves. Steve has chlorophorm -- is
> > going to kill the only witness, woman in basement. I argue, he puts it on
> > my face instead. Shelley comes up, I push Steve out the door and lock it.
> > He breaks the window with a cup, we fence with knives. Al Buck helps him,
> > then Sally -- they reach in the window and take tools -- hammer, etc. I
> > say it isn't fair and they leave. Go out, see cabin from distance (Dad is
> > there) -- it has big holes with boards nailed over them. Two men and chop
> > wood for kindling. They are very thin, drugs. Man goes with them, they
> > kick him out -- say something about a baby. I say, you don't want him
> > either? Bob says nobody wants relationships where you have to work. I
> > sleep up the hill at Julie's trailer. We sleep in the same bed but I go
> > to the couch where I have a fever and am getting well. [Julie redhead
> > German like me, people confused us and she had lived in our trailer before
> > we did and before we met her, then she moved back into a different
> > trailer.] [I dreamed at one time that I was fencing in Dad's porch and
> > began showing off and stabbed a man in a white shirt in the shoulder -- I
> > took fencing in college for mandatory phys ed class.]
> >
> > We stop in a tunnel by the river to pick milk weeds
> > -- Mom breaks off the whole plant, Sandy picks open flowers, I say to pick
> > unopened buds. We pick the pods (unopened seeds) instead of unopened
> > buds. The car rolls away, I back it back up. It turns into a bicycle and
> > we brake it better. In the tunnel is a dump where someone threw away food
> > -- a sack of sugar, bananas, eggs. I throw an egg on the highway to see
> > if they're still good, then Mom does and they start to cook around the
> > edges. I find a tiny wedding cake, one inch first layer, 1/2 inch top
> > layer. Each layer is a different flavor and has the flavor written on the
> > edge. Dorothy points out that beyond the edge of the road, the sun is
> > shining. I take off the bride and groom and put on a black groom, white
> > bride further down on the chocolate cake, then a statue of people in a
> > cave, then one of a boy that said Happy Birthday. Mom (or Jean) has
> > another boy, I feel displaced. I eat half the chocolate cake and give the
> > rest to my brother (Nathan) who is sitting on the couch with Dad -- he's
> > younger and his feet are sore from something. He has other things on his
> > plate and doesn't really want the cake. I give the marble cake to my
> > sisters. They had the peppermint and white cakes. Then Mom is behind a
> > curtain in the cave fixing the picnic. We are getting full on the cake.
> > I am smiling and everyone else is somber.
> >
> > Steve and I moving a little at a time. I have an
> > essay with three pages -- one in the 100s, page 365 and another page about
> > quitting my job. I transfer stuff from car trunk to truck. Little kids
> > appear and give me two keys for the second time -- very worn silver one
> > has a cross. They are chained together. they say, didn't you want it? I
> > thought they gave it to me just to look at. Boy asks, can anyone park on
> > this street? I say everybody but green cars. He points to two green cars
> > -- there are really three and they are hooked together. I say, that's
> > what happens if green ones park here. Now we're all moving out of a
> > building, Mom helping. She says she'll quit her job -- which is with
> > food. There is a bathroom with a metal sign on the door. Private, not
> > even for public sleeping. I keep looking at it to see if it is for
> > sleeping in case I need a place in an emergency. There is liquid shit all
> > over the place. Mom shuts the door and begins to clean up. Several kids
> > are there, ragged and crying. I tell them to help and we'll feed them --
> > carry lampshades. My job is writing down titles -- "intercepting" them.
> > Oil lamp, black table in my room, difficult because of all the cheese in
> > China. I start to fall into the outhouse -- my feet. Go out and clean
> > them in mud puddles. Driving alongside a car with a running board -- man
> > gets out on the running board. They have some sort of machine.
> >
> > Road going to trailer. I see a large plastic wading
> > pool by the side of the road with a lavender translucent wide rim. I
> > jokingly say, look at this huge stool. I go and look in -- it has been
> > partly smashed and something piled on top. I lift the lid and look in --
> > the water is far below and is full of algae and there is another layer of
> > clear water nearer the top that you can't see as readily. Things skim
> > through it and make sprays of water. [I was changing a lot of diapers at
> > Dumdum. Jason was still shitting his shorts at three years old and
> > another kid -- EC's kid refused to be potty trained at three also so she
> > let him wear a diaper which was soaked as soon as he got there in the
> > morning, and then he'd say he liked wet diapers and clutch it so you had
> > to fight it off him. Eight out of fifteen kids in diapers or accidents.]
> >
> >
> > I am dusting the twin ceramic yellow beds which are
> > in the shape of muscle-men. One is very gritty, never slept in. Other
> > bed, in the other room has a fur bedspread with pink plastic flowers
> > attached along its edge. Pat walks in, goes to the bedroom and says, what
> > a mess. We get up, go outside -- another trailer where you reach in and
> > get a bowl of chili. I have small legs, yellow nylons, blue dress -- sit
> > on picnic table -- "what's next?"
> >
> > I am cleaning up -- have short pajamas, Steve naked.
> > Knock on door -- it is Margaret getting water. There is a plump redheaded
> > girl with curly black hair with her who is wearing a bathrobe just like
> > mine. I have cleaned a little, say, "doesn't it look just like S Dubuque
> > Street apartment?"
> >
> > 3/29/75 A man with short hair, manages a farm.
> > Soldiers or students work there. Tells them to clean the pool. I am in a
> > room where the candy bars are made -- chocolate covered cookies. One has
> > one square missing, ask a little girl if she opened the package -- she
> > isn't intelligible. Man says, "the rest of them might have a disease."
> > He leaves. I look around, there's a wood refrigerator with milk. I make
> > yogurt, wash clothes. Julie comes, no breakfast again (we eat with Sheila
> > Kelly) -- she and Pat E live together, have to get dirt out of the bed.
> > Julie says she likes to work like a boy scout. I tell a very large tall
> > man that he can stay in our trailer while we're gone. He arrives early in
> > the morning with another short, drunk acting man. He says, "this is where
> > you live" -- looks in refrigerator and says "we might not stay." A
> > grandfatherly type starts making breakfast, breaking all the eggs and
> > puting pepper on them.
> >
> > I'm at Dumdum -- Alice and Warren there. I go in
> > kitchen where during the day I made apple and cherry pie and something
> > with milk. The milk is still out. Warren tickles me, he's naked. I
> > tickle him back. He kisses me, says, "women like this, even you." We
> > neck for awhile on the kitchen floor. Outside at Grandma's -- start
> > towards the house leaving Lara (5) alone by the ice -- tell her not to go
> > out on it. Hartley (3) runs towards me -- but is really chasing a small
> > sheep. I help him, it is small so I grab it around the neck like Hartley
> > did. It jumps very high in the air. Voice, "lots of people try to catch
> > it, but it's very strong." I have to clean out a barn upstairs. A boy
> > is doing it before me -- very deep matted hay, I begin and it turns into a
> > bed -- switch from shovel to pitchfork. Get to bottom sheet, blood, I
> > decide to just wash off. A woman rummaging in a drawer finds a square
> > piece of wood with a hole (round) in it. A burning piece of paper is in
> > the hole -- or one that is burning will enlarge the hole. The crew-cut
> > guy tells me that he's leaving soon -- reminder or notice -- feeling that
> > he works at Dumdum. Correcting Bob's father's thesis (Mr. Rosenthal was a
> > psychologist in Wilmette/Chicago and died of alzheimers in the 90s -- Bob
> > thought I was nuts (?) and took me to meet his dad, winter 1970, freshman
> > year in college) -- a light strip down the center of the page -- bad
> > feeling when approach the margins too close. It gets more and more
> > beautifully typed each time I see it.
> >
> > I go to a store where candy is on sale. Mr. King
> > (high school girls' basketball coach) is boss -- has something to do with
> > crisis line. Gives five girls numbers, paragraph written on embroidered
> > cloth -- Betty Thompson [could intercept passes amazingly well and he told
> > her to teach the rest of us, plus she played piano in music class, was the
> > homecoming queen, student body vice president, etc.]. Mr. King has talked
> > to a man with two cocks -- a ring of about four carets that cost $125.
> > Five girls (one might be Mom) go to a field to work, bale hay. Stopped.
> > I see Dad digging a hole for sileage staggering along -- big pieces of
> > wood. I help him, say he should rest but he says he isn't going to until
> > done digging out an old garbage dump -- soft dirt. Warned -- a big drop,
> > then cans, a big drop, then pajamas. I find the blankets from our bed --
> > blue ones still warm and want to save them. Quilts fall very deep, the
> > hole gets very deep with little digging.
> >
> > I take a tour of my old school -- very happy -- run
> > through downstairs pens built in halls -- kids had written all over walls.
> > Go upstairs -- high school -- other girls from my class waiting at the
> > head of the line for lunch. I have to go to the end -- behind all grades,
> > in order, line very long. I look at the class pictures along the halls of
> > all the graduating classes back to the beginning of the school -- my
> > aunts' graduating classes. Joan was the queen -- in blue, with another
> > girl dressed in pink who looked like a Spanish princess -- enlarged
> > details of them with arrows to small pictures. Very beautiful blue satin
> > dress with lace and head dress. [Joan was the fattest (legs) of my three
> > aunts, had three kids under five when she died of a brain tumor at age 23
> > when I was in fifth grade -- student taught my Kindergarten class and
> > didn't want any kids. Judy, Joan and Jane were half the starting girls
> > basketball team (six on a team in those days) and Jane got a scholarship
> > to play basketball but Grandpa wouldn't let her go -- too dumb.] Two
> > girls trying out for movie -- one very large breast and legs -- other
> > smaller.
> >
> > Pat moves into the train that goes through the front
> > yard of the house he rents -- very old train, on the sidewalk. You can
> > get in two cars at the end of the block and they roll down the hill to the
> > others. There is one warm room -- Henry Hanson and I look around. The
> > warm room has four beds -- one big with an old brown quilted bedspread and
> > three little. I go to bathroom, an old woman comes in and says I've been
> > in there 25 minutes, shows me salvage they found -- beautiful blue quilts
> > and green dress with apples. [Henry, Iowa City -- at parties he'd put a
> > hotdog in his mouth and ask Cinda if she wanted to see the bishop and then
> > stick the hotdog out. He got raped by a man he offered a ride from the
> > bar -- story at another party -- said life is water off a duck's back. I
> > gave him and a redheaded guy a ride to Allan and Cinda's New Years party
> > -- terrible blizzard and Rambler didn't have a heater and the windshield
> > got frosted over and I was driving blind down Interstate 80 -- scraped a
> > tiny hole in the frost to see out, even Henry was getting nervous.]
> >
> > Adults go up to see what kids are doing -- they are
> > hiding in two places, one place under the bed, they make the blanket bulge
> > out. I am reading a book and go back one page -- energy, a diagram. I
> > see it is an abstract picture of a cock pointing out. I'm working on the
> > first floor of a house I discover has many more floors. I run up, there
> > are bedrooms with art on the walls. Finally I begin running into people,
> > servants. I begin picking up hairs off the floor so they'll think I work
> > there. One is Charlotte. She says her legs don't hurt anymore -- there
> > are long skirts in the waste basket. An old woman wants the "modern"
> > ones. A fat man and a thin man come out and go into their routine. I
> > smile and take the fat one's hand -- then run up the next flight of
> > stairs. There are two bare floored rooms -- one with a TV roped off with
> > velvet ropes. I go back, I've been gone half an hour, hide the clothes in
> > the coat room, which has clothes piled all over the floor. There are two
> > little girls arguing in the corner. Sally is complaining about something
> > a man -- public servant type did. There is a movie showing something I
> > saw in person -- in a park, some girls left their stuff under a large dead
> > tree and then the tree exploded -- branches flying everywhere. It plays
> > several times. I look for myself in the picture and can't find me. A
> > woman feels afraid in the country away from town.
> >
> > A woman in the city attracts danger (picture of
> > elephant and tiger) the way this elephant attracts this tiger and it is as
> > far behind her as a tackle behind a football player (picture) and still
> > she coaxes it on (picture of person holding a rope and holding out their
> > hand to something you can't see -- looks like something small, a dog in
> > front of a cave) (picture of a horse with shining bursts of light on its
> > body, head, heart, hips)
> >
> > We go to visit Judy Rinard - Van Meter, you get
> > water at the store from a pump -- 2 cents a gallon. Judy's house very
> > neat. She says she'll live near her mother forever (actually, she's
> > dead). Terri sounds like her mother in flashes. I call the store to see
> > what time they open on Sunday. 7 AM -- they try to pin me down on what
> > time I'll be there -- I say 8 or 9 -- but we are already there -- a gas
> > station. The old man asks if I'm alone now -- I point to Steve in the
> > car. He goes over and gets in -- backs up very fast, almost hits a car
> > going forward. We start out -- I back fast through now thick cars, but
> > hit none. A Japanese policeman comes and puts handcuffs on him then asks
> > kindly if it hurts. A Japanese couple also were witnesses. I say woman
> > could be, but she says, no, the cop and I are. I say what about guy
> > driving -- he says he got him. We leave -- I'm driving. I pull out on
> > the highway -- no one coming from left, but then look right and a lot of
> > cars in both lanes are pretty close. Look down, car is in 4th gear --
> > stalls, turns into orange Volkswagon. Now semi from left, right at the
> > window. Car thrown across road in ditch. Look over to other ditch --
> > truck on side almost. Cop telling driver it's his own fault because his
> > tires were bald and he hit a slick place. Driver begins to cry. The
> > other one is unconscious (no where to be seen). I go over, ashamed.
> > Everyone is sitting around laughing and joking. The cop says I'll go to
> > jail. I wonder how long and what charge -- manslaughter? Steve says,
> > don't worry, we'll fight it. I look down and my sister says, we'll wait
> > for you, we'll (brother and sister) move in with Judy , we'll all have a
> > good time.
> > I wonder what prison will be like, I'll probably
> > read all the time. I want to thank them for swerving. [Terri Rinard was
> > the girl next door when I was born. Her sister Judy was 12 years older
> > than her -- in school with my aunts. Her dad owned a construction company
> > in Vietnam.]

> 1975 continued
>
> Steve and I going home -- cars are pulling onto a
> sharp curve of the interstate below -- very blocked up. We go into a
> store and I finish a thesis for some old people. We go around a soft
> curve onto an interstate and end up right at the end of a wedding
> procession of cars. Steve wants to go to K-Mart -- goes to wedding
> reception. We get bowls out of the pile -- very fancy china with china
> spoons. As we walk in, we become dressed like part of the wedding party
> -- me a bridesmaid but I don't think the dress is the same. We hurry up
> the stairs -- a table there with plates of food given as gifts -- donuts
> like at work. Eat our ice cream and cake in a little room. Pat Casteel
> is there, talking about Pam (another secretary at the Grad College, from
> Waco -- , Dean Jacobson would always say, you can take the girl out of
> Waco, but you can't take Waco out of the girl). Pam comes in -- she has
> on a bridesmaid dress too -- says, "if she's your friend, she'll tell you
> where he hides --- etc." I have a stain on the bridesmaid's dress at the
> bottom. I've been wearing it under my black skirt I wear every day. The
> donuts were Tom's, who works on Saturday.
>
> Steve's dream -- We went to an island with two
> tribes. Brad Cluff is an anthropologist and has tunnels and escalators to
> watch war between tribes. White people in mountains, judges. We were
> involved, weren't supposed to be -- arrows laying all over, they have
> poisoned tips. Went down doors to get away. One door said, "keep going
> this way to hell." Kept getting colder -- went through swimming pools,
> tiled. Met man who used to be a policemen -- crippled.
>
> My dream -- dragging a big black blob like a
> dinosaur or Chinese dragon. Say, "I want to blow it up, no wake it up."
> Boy and girl working on house -- two dimensions. Girl insists that
> windows be drawn in. She is doing the scenery. The room used to flip
> closed -- so it is a flat mattress with music, an orgy place. My sister
> keeps trying to open it -- from top to bottom, before things are moved out
> of the way, throwing my clothes on the ground. Finally fixed -- only one
> small square changed, two single beds changed to a family -- single beds
> pushed together for parents, little mattresses for kids. Diane (Dumdum
> mother and worker/tells me her ex was schizophrenic and she's afraid about
> her two year old, Jasmine) has a beauty shop in the basement. A girl with
> a baby upstairs is taking the fat cure -- drink something every month
> which is sickening and an antidote right after. Last month, August, throw
> up, she was unconscious part of the time. I follow them back to the
> basement -- a one chair beauty parlor. A huge sand pile in the main room
> which they wet down and the beauty parlor is in a small room in the corner
> -- diapers. Small blue leather boxes piled up. The other girl is
> friendly, Diane very cool. A place where you can run down the hall
> because there are two strips of dirt -- slick in middle. [When all the
> girls in Iowa City were going to Clinton to see a psychic, May -- Diane
> told me she said I would never have to worry about my weight -- Diane took
> pencil and paper and took notes.]
>
> Pat, Steve and I are at an outer movie -- get to go
> in one at a time and watch inner one for fifteen minutes. I keep leaning
> on piano. Before I go in, I kiss Pat -- wet, disgusting kiss. I come
> out, Steve has gone on to start car -- Pat has coat on, very cool.
> Someone invisible keeps strumming my left nipple. I see a boy, short and
> slender, longish red hair, shining with light. Has a completely bare
> right arm, sleeveless T-shirt. Leaving sign on bathroom -- all women 14
> to M -- even ones who've gone to prison.
>
> Apartment on Dubuque Street, boy downstairs left
> sign on window -- he wanted

to borrow milk. I say we should give it,
> Steve, no. We go up to our room, the library/TV room at Dumdum. Pretty
> soon someone pushes on door -- my brother. I am naked, hold the door shut
> -- he says dinner will be ready in half an hour. Salem, Joel and someone
> else come in They have played with Tarot cards and mixed them with two
> other decks and put them back in box. I noticed, no mess when I came in.
> They start grabbing everything, go to bathroom a couple of times, keep
> leaving paper lying around. Salem wipes her butt on a banana. I find two
> small chickens, no feathers but guts. My mother sternly says I have to
> cook supper. She has just gotten back. I do it sloppy, throw frying pan
> with rice. She picks it up like I'm a little kid, very patient. She has
> just come back and I expected her to cook. I have to cook for everyone.
> I plan to stuff chickens with rice and crackers. I go to Dumdum --
> confusion finding my coat, find it by the gloves. Torn pockets, red,
> black and blue plaid -- I thought a cheezier one was mine. Leaving -- I
> wonder if I should go up and get my stuff, but people are coming down. I
> go to Pat's -- we sit on a street corner with some other people making a
> quilt - goes in to get Janet Full's phone number. At Mom's house, Shirley
> has a beige dress made of old nylon stockings. She experiments with the
> neckline, pushing it up and down. The tights are navy, one leg bare and
> the other bare on the inside. She shows us something she practiced all
> night -- crawling across the floor, for some modern dance performance.
> Two plots, one up there and one down here. I go out in my black bathing
> suit and get a sunburn -- Dennis McQueen (from Junior High) there on
> porch. I make a dough cup for cherry jelly, about as big as a thimble.
> The kids, a whole group of young girls against a bunch of young boys --
> playing a ballgame up and down driveway. One girl falls off cliff where I
> did and cut my cheek -- big scar -- looks like "dueling scar" below my
> right cheekbone.
>
> Coincidences -- Patty O'Farrell in front of Pat
> Dooley's house. I go to Pat's and open the car door just as he walks out
> the door with Dave, the guy with the white Volkswagon. I am frozen behind
> a wall of glass. Voice says I shouldn't go outside because I might meet
> an ally like in Don Juan (Casteneda) and not be able to deal with it.
> Winter, a girl I admire's car parked on a side street, Prentiss. I say
> I'll drive it somewhere for her. Our car also, someone in back seat says
> I don't have the right handkerchief to start it -- have green ones, need
> white ones.
>
> What is death? Woman goes through sliding door. If
> you want to know you'll look for him in the first person in the first
> quarter.
> What goes down must come up, if it hits bottom.
>
> The truck starts moving and I'm driving even though
> I can't see anything -- there is a little round hole, but I can see out
> the side. I almost run into trees and buildings. Mom, who is in front,
> yells every now and then. Then we are on Interstate 80 -- only backing.
> I decide to turn around and speed up, but feel a loss of control -- Mom
> helps me do it by turning a cloth replica of a fur around and hooking it
> on a slatted runner that is outside the window. We go through a small
> town -- the lights are always red, and I turn left by a store with very
> large sugar cookies, one in a package. Mom decides to wait there. I get
> a 10 speed bike and start off again -- through a gas station that is
> plowed up. Then I enter Cambodia -- follow a narrow hard-beaten path
> behind a row of soldiers. There are women at the side -- get to a large
> building that I have to go through. At the top it is like a stable -- the
> people live in the stalls with their family's name on the door. Go down
> stairs -- as I go down things get nicer and I hear someone groaning, I
> think it's an old man in pain -- wonder if I should try to find and help
> him, but a little girl comes out and the noise stops. She wanted to see
> me very much, I kiss her and tell her to stay with her mama. The people
> are very gentle and kind, an old man comes up and asks if he can buy my
> bicycle -- I consider giving it to him, but I took it from someone and
> intend to put it back on my return. Some other girls have caught up with
> me. I have been looking at clothes I see along the way and explain to
> girl near, Pam, one level has beautiful 50s silk dresses. The next has
> Southern belle dresses and wedding dresses -- head pieces that say they'll
> be delivered Wednesday. There are people in that room -- I feel rude.
> The next room is dark, I knock and go in -- there are young men who
> immediately invite us to supper -- there will be five men and us, I
> presume. He named them very fast. I dont' want to stay -- feel it is a
> tense situation. Pam says, I don't want to stay very long. I go out
> saying I want to see what's ahead - it is the porch with basket furniture,
> a voice says, "a very nice cabin." Then I enter a dark hallway with doors
> on both sides. I am afraid -- but kids come out -- I talk to one little
> girl -- ask if they listen to the guy's TV -- she says it keeps them
> awake. I am supposed to go to Camp Dodge and pick up Dad.
>
> Salvage company. A trial -- past beauty and
> present. Bob has picked up a fat woman, man with short dark hair, middle
> aged. I try to talk him out of it, he looks sad, lost weight. Shelley
> comes to Taco Grande but wants to walk on the other side of the street. I
> go to a dance in the student union -- sit by the steps and door taking
> care of kids and coloring. A guy comes and asks why I'm impressed with
> Steve. I make him says why first. I say because we could always read
> each other's minds. Lori Nuzom (told me her mom and younger sister were
> both alcoholics) brings two books to show me, a Psychology book and a
> dirty comic book. An elevator -- I get caught in the door and picked up.
> I fall back out a couple of times -- pulling a woman with me once. George
> at Darrell's -- a phone outside the window. I start to call but George
> comes out. I feel very overwhelmed with love and hug George but he keeps
> his purse between us -- might smash something in it. Steve kisses him.
> We go inside. I think the difference in me is that I'm pregnant -- but
> I'm not. I check my own thesis which is very long -- about poetry. I'm
> selling art originals and prints in Mom's driveway. The prints are like
> playing cards on the backs -- one is impressionistic three women.
>
> Pat Casteel comes to our house to visit. Steve
> calls her names -- fat diabetic. She goes out and starts to get in the
> car, I say stay, kneel on the ground. A very small horse comes up behind
> me, a large but gentle horse came around before. We go in Mom's house, I
> see things I'd like to do, Steve yells at her for flirting with him. We
> are going on a bus trip, there are lots of buses on the road. We jump out
> and run down the road for a long ways because there is something to get in
> teh field to the left. Demy gets wrapped up in making giant shadows.
> There is a cactus sticking to me and a tick crawling on me. We wait
> around a woodpile -- there is talk of Thieu -- how some want to kill him.
> The bus turns around to come back and get up. I am checking theses at
> home, at my table. Tall man with black hair, a businessman comes in.
> Then, in the snow, Carrie. Someone has walked 80 feet through the snow by
> crosshatching, deep snow, then got into snow so deep he couldn't touch
> bottom. Then at a dam, an ad man -- sitting on a platform right in front
> of the dam says slogan, "come with us -- smooth sailing down to the Gulf
> of Mexico" but right away there is really the dam. I said towards it,
> grab the metal they're sitting on, by great effort get my feet up, try to
> sit up, can't, try to pull myself up with my arms. When I get up, a
> little baby goes over on a block of ice. I go try to rescue her, but she
> falls off. Then she's a girl floating on the water, prone -- she keeps
> going into the backwash -- twice, third time she disappears. Looked like
> she was holding her breath. I walk along te edge, a steep concrete rank
> with a fence at the top -- get a program. Two theses have been crossed
> out -- one with A,B, 1,2 numbered parts and one by a young girl.
>
> A man brings his bull to Mom's house leading it on a
> leather strap. It is the most magnificent bull ever seen -- its head huge
> and curly (maybe a pair, a bull and cow). I am outside, watching a cloud
> come out of the factory, ask why there isn't a woman to fly up in them
> (Mom). Sally Redfern comes up -- says they're too thin. Make a list from
> a pamphlet of Jung -- a long list of ways that a woman improves a house.
> I take the bull home, leading him by the leather strap. I am careful not
> to rile or upset him. We turn into the bull's driveway, bull wants to
> run, I drop the strap. He turns into a fat man, gets very out of breath.
> I show him how to breathe stretching out my arms on the inhale, folding on
> exhale. We come to the barnyard, all the cows gather around. The bull
> becomes a very tall blond man in a white shirt. His left hand is injured,
> wrapped. I hug him, I only come to his waist. He folds down over me, his
> head on my back. I can feel his cock in my stomach, not hard. Painting
> in which the woman has three heads, all in a row.
>
> We work two months, save $500, leave, car parked in
> neighbor's field -- car rolled back. Neighbor comes back, Steve says Dad
> told him to start it like that. Neighbor says Dad not too smart. We go to
> their house. Somewhere -- I'm on one roof, move to another roof -- other
> people come up. Kid who worked a lot -- wants to go in phone booth --
> secret. Tough kid comes and says he owns the door of the booth. At
> grandma's -- taking care of the place -- the yard. Cinda taking care of
> babies.
>
> A movie -- Tarzan and very tan girl. Girl framed
> for something. Tarzan goes after the bad guy -- who wears a baggy white
> shirt. Natives help him. The man must be killed because he ruins
> everyone's life. He sneaks away, girls come to him all the time and lay
> down on the ground. His friend wishes he was in his place, but he isn't
> interested. The girl picks wild daffodils -- which are very thick, while
> looking for a jar. I find very large mushrooms by the garage, the first
> one growing in a circle or tire. There is a very thin and beautiful cow.
>
>
> In Minnesota, we decide our next task should be
> digging outhouses and well while the ground is wet and soft. I am doing
> something, a mother comes -- most leave. Pat starts digging a hole, falls
> flat in it when he reaches too far. Calls it making love to the
> ground/Mother Earth. Next morning we are moving stuff into a trailer.
> The whole Dooley family and other people slept in -- small tent with three
> sleeping bags. Pat says he went and slept in a smaller one. Later his
> mother says they stayed in a three room hotel suite -- means two tents and
> the trailer where we were. It is the kitchen. Mom takes charge -- tells
> me to hold outer parts on while she screws the screw through -- says I'm
> getting too good. Clock says 9:05 -- other girls and I are wearing
> blouses, legs bare, moving things around. Man says 9:05 is sleeping too
> late. Pat is living in Grandma's house. I look around, no one home, each
> room has one blanket in it. Sometimes folded into a square, sometimes
> dropped in a heap. Man comes in wearing my red hat, green coat, says, I
> thought we agreed not to come here anymore. I came to write a note --
> maybe the dream about killing businessmen was really carefully disguised
> killing of his father. He comes in, but stays outside. Says something,
> but a girl with long blond hair walks by and he keeps looking after her --
> then her hair gets longer and she is naked.
>
> I go to the store, when I come to the sugar I look
> at the fancy little wrapped squares. I try to read if you can use them in
> baking. A girl sells me something. She is very concerned if I can pay
> further installments -- then we are in the middle of an older man's
> experiment which his students do for him. It is underwater. The
> atmosphere is very greasy. There is one man sitting on the floor in
> swimming trunks with tubes attached to him who is very wiped out. The
> others are telling me that they deliberately mess up the experiment by not
> putting in equal amounts of water on both sides to begin with -- so that
> the result is always one pint. Finally they release the man in swimming
> trunks and me also. There were tubes stuck in my inner thighs with pins.
> I have a headache and feel very bad -- everything was so greasy -- the
> walls of the underwater faciltiy, the air was humid and felt like it had
> already been breathed.
>
> Getting ready for school while the school bus waits.
> I have to get stuff for night too. Mom is driving, smoke comes out from
> under the hood. She keeps on, fire finally comes out. We are taking a
> poet, Dick Hunt, home. He shows us how to fix it, including rebuilding
> the battery, make new compartments. It is slanted and made of paper; I
> won't help because it doesn't look like it will work, but it does. At
> Mom's, in my room, I put on a lowcut very tight pink sweater, but there is
> a blue sweater with a tie string which appears on top of it. I wear the
> pink, which attracts Dick Hunt. He says, if you wear that you should be
> happy when people look down your dress. I make love with a strange man in
> a field, other people walking around. Then I follow little kids down a
> path -- sitting in a square clearing. Cindy and her son Nathan (one year
> old) run by, Nathan very fast, jumps in window. Cindy says to let him
> poke me in the butt. Someone has given me a biography of Brenon or Guenon
> (surrealist painter or poet), Genet or Benet -- written by Colleridge and
> Shelley. A line of people go by who symbolize the title. There are two
> dogs, male and female dressed in suits.
>
> Drive down Mom's road -- gravel is soupy. Steve
> drives up Stewerts' driveway very fast. Dave's books in a pile at the end
> of the road, but someone has hung them on bushes all along the way. At
> the end of the road is a factory where I work. Dad and I go to their
> store looking for pins and there are a few high quality old one among the
> new ones. We talk about the factory, foreman says the way to get ahead is
> to volunteer to do anything. I come out of a store after looking for
> hours, can't find car until I realize it is in the next row all by itself.
> People go towards it -- woman falls on it and wipes off ice on her way by.
> On an overgrown road -- make a wrong turn. Sitting on the street near the
> civic center/Gilbert -- drawing in car. Annie drives by, stops, yells "I
> heard what you said about me."
>
> Some rich snotty people (Suckows) are moving with
> their kids and leave their books behind. Shelley and I make plans to come
> back at six the next morning and get them. I take some right then --
> mythology, Babylon, Late Gregory, also some clothes. An old woman talks
> Shelley into taking the cat (mean cat) which is like a small dog. She is
> going to take us home. I get in but Shelley goes to say good-bye to the
> family and the old witch lets the car roll and makes her run after. She
> gets a bike. Old woman goes about nine blocks. I say, using logic, that
> it will take longer for her to catch up than to go back. While we wait,
> old woman checks motor. She sprays something all over and checks
> "universal joint" which I say should have only 2/10 inch gap. I say,
> shouldn't you get underneath? I check oil. When I pull itout, the liquid
> sprays the old woman. She says to get an old rag, but all the rags are
> clean and white -- cat is now under driver's seat. Shelley gets there.
> Old woman starts out again, we both might be left, Shelley because she's
> moving bike out of road and me because I'm checking oil. I say there is
> no oil to keep her there. I tell Shelley to leave the bike in the road,
> it's the old woman's bike -- and she gets in. Old woman says she'll wait,
> but she leaves again. I yell at her for being mean -- we are by the
> bridge. She backs up slowly. She says she has to refinish two chairs for
> Allan's birthday (one is at my grandmother's). A very old man with white
> hair and a black suit wanders up -- gets in. I look where he was looking
> and there are birds sitting in a semi-circle. They are on the stadium.
> Renew, the neighbor girls black labridor is there too and is triangular.
> One half of the semi-circle are kingfishers and the other half have bright
> blue heads -- I say they are nuthatches. The old man says that in the
> South many birds have been wiped out and the survivors attack people --
> they have to go to the hospital. Poets have contraptions (I think of
> hats) called hoof-ems.
>
> Crowd watching something on large table. Man tells
> me to jump back but I say it's too far. I'm at the kitchen counter. Bob
> and Shelley staying with us in the trailer -- also a lesbian and little
> kids. Shelley asks if can eat -- I see a chair shaped log floating in the
> water at bottom of hill. This gets me away from lesbian. Go in kitchen.
> Shelley hid in closet and hurt her head. I hurt knee. Bob cooking in the
> sanctum -- but only for him and Steve. My brother in room, I say, he's a
> Leo like you (Bob), very possessive. A little kid, JP, who cooked without
> washing hands. Older male relative criticizes him. Take the Magician on
> your paper route, it frees your hands.
>
> Letters, George, obligatory book of mantras.
> Postage due, you laugh at me, good to see you're with books again. Diane
> takes care of little boy, very smart -- decides to quit Dumdum, parents
> drop him off in her bedroom in the morning. I sneak downstairs, Dad is
> down there. We talk, eat, he says he's keeping me away from Pat. My
> sister is in Mom's bed, my side, with Pat -- turns out to be Steve.
>
> In a fancy house, jump, look at myself in the mirror
> -- naked. Go in other room, Steve lets me sit on his lap, holding baby,
> wanted my breast. I give it to my mother, who is very tan -- baby very
> irritable. At swimming pool, I and kids dive in and get marbles, which
> float. Yellow ones most visible. I get out, woman with baby wants to buy
> a wastebasket in the window. I want to buy something new, not used.
>
> A woman with a white car, white clothes and a fancy
> hat -- her husband kisses an old lady in purple with a purple hat. She
> rushes out -- man says, here we go again, another divorce. The man I'm
> with married her, her husband got only a pair of gloves. Man hits him
> over the head and puts a box over his head after he falls. The purple
> woman throws glass under the other woman's car, the man holds a plate of
> glass, the headlight is a spiral on the front of the car. A boy cuts a
> number of designs out of the field, we push the car there, near the
> house.

> Friday, First week of September 1975
>
> Dream in Lake Nemacogan, Wisconsin. Daughter
> sucking on mothers' breasts -- get long like cellophane ribbon, then go
> back. Wake up, walk to cabin from night before, wet, consider
> masturbating. Notice little man going through other door as I go through
> one -- meet him, yell for help, he gets in a bucket and I sprinkle water
> on him and he disappears. Little man like shadow, dwarf.
>
> In room where I go after school, play music.
> Several little girls tied up with heads through sacks/tapestries, one dead
> in bottom drawer who'd been there before. Asked one girl, where's your
> sister, points to bottom drawer. Woman starts to leave house without her
> pop bottle, her next door neighbor is in the bottle and comes to the
> surface asking why. Bob tied up in back room. Eat hot dogs at guy's
> house (sold amphetimines in Iowa City) -- he lives with two old women.
> Young, likeable man who's friend/doctor had to drive a stake through his
> heart. I am in the room with him alone first and he rushes me. I stand
> still, plan to duck at the last minute, he rakes my side. People all
> around cry when he dies. He is smiling, hands folded -- crying is wild,
> frantic.
>
> 9/10/75 Mom's house. Lois there complaining about
> gaining weight, puts on corset (like Grandma). I try to keep a red bug,
> which is sometimes a baby, in a box -- large long box with pictures on the
> sides like landscape -- books and other stuff in box. Bug runs away under
> wall in space with charcoal briquets. Lois brings it back -- lays on back
> (lay baby on my knees) in box like cockroach. Box catches on fire in
> corner and spreads -- save things out of box (someone says mostly my
> stuff), try to save bug but it doesn't move and is burned up. Pat there,
> go for ride in the car -- very crowded. Front of car in ditch, sunk into
> dirt over front bumper. I start to drive but only seat left is the
> passenger tending baby again. Bull, Sandy is driving -- drive away fast
> to lose bull. Two kids next door at Johnson's learning to farm -- stop at
> driveway. I get out to do something, then remember the mail. Pat says,
> let someone smaller do it -- Shirley and Mom jump out and race to the
> mailbox. Bull beats them back to the car, steps in and says, "drive on."
> Mom and Shirley don't come back for a long time.
>
> 9/13/75 Living in dorm. Sonny and Cher there, guy
> says he's going to come back and beat us up.

> 1975 or 76
>
> I get to shoot movie scenes, meet movie stars. Another guy but he
> has to go back for awards. Judy paints pictures of three people, mine
> short fuzzy hair -- I cry for a long time. Go into attic room -- peeling
> wallpaper, nice rug, woman there -- this is the room for meditation.
> Baseball with a ping pong ball. Tertium Organum -- pictures of animals --
> black and white animals, snow pocked where locusts came out. Walking
> through grassy place -- many people work here cutting it by hand. Guy
> takes us to end of property, trees to be transplanted, one raspberry crab
> -- look like cherries -- he says the roots have to be pruned first. It is
> an army-like camp. Go to barn, helping Mom milk cow -- had let one calf
> die, two cows, four calves. Outside, I have to wade through liquid shit
> -- ankle deep, vibrates much energy, makes you suck in breath. My sisters
> want to go in up to their necks. It is sensual. A cat knitting, fishing,
> reading on bank. Not getting current because knitting (originality) over
> where current comes to her fish line. Weddings -- two weddings I have to
> be in -- marching around singing. One mistake I make -- "I worship". I
> say, "I want." Second wedding -- Jewish guy, groom in black sweater
> sweating. I try on wedding dress, black with designs. Rabbi there - nice
> Rabbi also. I talk to nice one, tell him what I've been studying. He
> sits beside where I would if not in the wedding. Little blond boy on my
> other side. Aisle is a slide, I slide down. Two covered bowls, two books
> slide away. The wedding is already started, very embarrassed. I am in
> the wedding. I hang the dresses back on the hanger wrong side out and
> they are white. Everything gone from my purse -- purse - fool, memory.
> Go back to apartment on S Dubuque. three fat people living there --
> living room very plush, kitchen normal. Going by Stewarts' farm -- weeds.
> Stop there, road goes right between two houses, old one had three
> fireplaces. Fashion show at a boutique, Things, Things, Things -- very
> full dresses, chiffon with flowers. People answering questions from
> audience. One woman's answer is "over" -- guy with black patch over his
> eye tells her this. Then she turns into a crippled girl and he's a black
> soldier -- shares cigarette with man and me -- we are taking him home.
> Puts wedding ring in his pocket.
>
> Playing cards at Grandma's -- I have pink dress. Pat tells me to go
> somewhere else, can't play cards. I go into yard under peach tree and lie
> on towel in sun. Then I'm upstairs in my room wiping dishes and putting
> them on my pink table Lois gave me. Go to get Patty, she says she has no
> imagination but will come (with blond guy). Woman comes who has little
> girl, tries on my black dress -- it fits, changes to pleated. Spark comes
> out when she unplugs the lamp. My stomach is very big -- like a donut but
> no hole after eating chicken.
>
> A man and I and another couple go on a walk through the woods -- at
> one point there is snow, then a pile of household things abandoned on a
> porch like grotto. We go on and come to a room that has been the way it
> is for hundreds of years. It is the preserved bedroom of famous lovers.
> On the dresser is a "bridal" thing like for a cake but woven like a basket
> and the figures are dressed in red and other warm colors. Their faces are
> ruddy and curved. I say that I call them Romeo and Juliet. You can't
> take them because you'll have to make the whole perilous journey again to
> bring them back. Then it's time go get going, five feet, 500 miles.
>
> At Dad's -- he says "happy anniversary" -- I say we were married in
> April. Putting on a sweater in the porch. Two people eating in front of
> the TV, they disappear when I turn off the light. Go in kitchen, I have a
> bowl of vegetables, popcorn and a small piece of cake and get it ready.
> They are having two pizzas. I fool around so long that I don't eat. Gary
> and Sandy recite an ad they've made up -- it is very good, they'll be
> selling ads and get rich and leave soon.
>
> Isis -- the left side of the brain -- sound of a rubber band
> breaking or plucked and vibrating. Woman helping a highway crew put new
> light colored concrete along the shoulder of the highway. I approve and
> mentally pull up in a dead end and have to back out into traffic. I think
> I have a right because I represent poetry. Old, see error of killing
> enemies. I go out and there is a gray car there that I borrowed from the
> department of transportation and forgot to return all weekend. To drive
> it you wear padded glasses. Someone drives a little old car down over the
> hill. People jump out and begin making a movie of the trailer next door.
> I go to the department, which is at Towncrest (Midwest Bag) -- it is a
> warehouse where mechanics work on cars in circles. A woman is in charge,
> in another wing are the women working on exercise machines. I turn the
> keys in at the desk and start walking -- a storm is approaching, fits of
> heavy wind -- a red pig (and others) runs at my side and says I can't
> stop. I'm very tired. It takes my hand in its mouth. I ask it
> questions. One -- are you instinct? It laughs. Are you a projection?
> We go to K-mart to wait for the storm to pass. The pig turns white, then
> it turns into J. I try to write down the questions and answers. A man is
> there too.
>
> Steve and I working in admitting at the VA. Corpse in car. I go to
> lunch before bringing it in. Relatives in flap. Try on my sister's
> clothes, take some -- make right arm bigger. Pick up mail and detergent
> from Sandy. Scott having sale. Woman wants me to buy her something. Go
> get on our own bus, in the high school parking lot -- man drives to
> extreme end of the parking lot and I have to run. A woman runs very fast,
> long legs. It is going south. J in back, I sit with G -- he says a
> malapropism like his mother, Mrs. LaRuism -- about gynecology. I move up
> when the seat comes empty. Snow, drive down road -- dead end, have to
> back between two gas tanks. See Grandma in a blue bikini (her favorite
> color).
>
> A Jewish boy about five, I teach him a little about herbs -- now
> going to his house, his mother is very intellectual and doesn't like me at
> first. Walking down S Dubuque she says she saw a book about me. I say
> it's because people want me to be their leader. Go to their house -- kid
> has nice books -- herbs, letter press dictionary, Talmud. We talk at the
> table about Terry Kelly (Sheila's sister) and how greasy her hair is. Kid
> keeps touching my breast. Then, trains pass -- a blond, sunburned guy is
> the switchman, very good. Three trains at once. Then, an old man named
> Roger dying. I carry him and go for a walk, don't know at first he's
> dying -- we talk about it and I tell him I'll see him next time. He gets
> very cold.

>

I push him away because it makes me cold too, he says, "this
> is what you're afraid of, isn't it?" Other people he knows pretend he
> isn't dying. We watch a Tarot card game by a family -- some of the cards
> are cut diagonally -- one is "wheat". One guy shows me his cards -- the
> top one is the Lovers. The guy is no longer dying and keeps touching my
> breast. I tell him not to. Other people come with several jars of fish
> food that he's not going to need (I'm not) and feed it to the aquarium of
> large and small goldfish behind the people. Grandpa tells me to do the
> dishes and I tell him to do them himself. At Dumdum my grandparents are
> fighting -- grandpa says he never wanted to marry grandma and she runs
> out. He follows, under a tree necking. Mary Halsch -- my landlord in
> college that died of old age right after I moved out. I cry going out and
> back in -- then I think -- I wonder if I auditioned to be a subtle actress
> if they would like my acting. Room for runt.
>
> J and G's lawn in patches -- going to use nylon to fix it. Changing
> baby boy's diaper -- a black bug with four legs goes on the end of his
> penis -- goes in bathroom at Dad's. I keep it on the table while eating,
> under glass. It can escape through very small holes. Man and I walking
> -- man leads the way through the water walking through swamp, creek. I am
> very sure footed. Another man there, we all sit down. The new guy says
> he doesn't like anyone who doesn't neck with him -- I say, I guess you
> don't like me then and continue walking. Tell Allan about Rosicrucian
> experiment -- except for sound -- very close call (secret). Party on a
> roof -- start to dance, a man has something stuffed under his clothes,
> then takes it out and dances -- green T-shirt. Then TV, party moves to a
> different house -- people drop dry markers in snow. There people (art
> department) are playing baseball indoors. People are reading and drinking
> pop while they play -- someone says that in pro-ball they let everyone get
> a hit. I show Diane Banks (redhead, got pregnant in high school) how to
> hit it but the pitcher holds it on her hand and lets her hit it. Game
> over, go to museum -- people with horse feet skeletons. Cartilage gets
> dissolved gradually with time. Watching TV -- baby girl with black hair,
> newborn, but I teach her to walk and she talks a little. I'm in the
> bathroom and men come in. Person reads the cards for another woman and me
> and says that I'm pregnant. At my parents, want to have sex -- there are
> three doors people could come in, wood, and bathroom I didn't know about
> with two bathtubs.
>
> I get up early and go places -- one is to Jerry's. Kathy is
> pregnant. He says we should do songs, not movies. I say I'll hire him
> and he can be a singing group. Talk to woman, they do a show every Friday
> (Claire). I don't wear a blouse with them -- they give me one to leave.
> This Friday they play a boys' basketball team. At a woman's restaurant --
> they are making spaghetti with rice sauce. I already ate mine and a woman
> says I should eat it with butter. [American nightclub owner spy in
> Philippine Islands was named Claire Phillips -- said she was
> Filipino-Italian, but she was really American, when a man came that had
> been to Italy she was in trouble -- didn't know anything she should have.]
>
> Russians, wives leave them. Leave husbands, come to USA -- husbands
> are later to be killed and come to a park with cameras to take pictures of
> their wives to convince people that they love them and want them back.
> One of them really loved his wife and slaps the cameras from the hands of
> the others -- wades into a lake on a golf course in disgust. New show --
> Penny Snow. Women who have guns but no bullets -- the bullets of the men
> go into their guns and the big mystery is where they go. There are two
> types of these women -- one type with the gun who are very aggressive and
> another type with white asses (bunnies) who walk around and take shit --
> crowd scene of men leering. Then one says to another -- but just see what
> happens if you touch her button -- kicks him across the room. Then,
> lecture -- most men in USA are thin, hardworking, small rather than easy
> going plump guy. We are led to believe by media. They take what is
> needed to run the house, etc first and then ask the rest of the family
> what they want to spend the rest of the money on. Illusions of men who
> fuck them once and keep their thoughts forever -- remembering how great it
> was.
>
> A bull, black angus. I put him in barn, eventually got him out.
> Then turned out to be Dad -- let him in and cooked for him. He said he
> had to go, he had his truck. He eventually steals ten calves. I think
> there are no kids left at Dumdum. Taking pictures of people in a box --
> Grandma with heart pillow. She falls over -- has to be retaken. I tell
> Mom she'll have to hold her up. Ouside, Mom trying to talk Shirley into
> wearing a tuxedo wedding dress. Get two lovers together -- supposed child
> molest.
>
> Cleaning up, even rake leaves -- put them by fireplace -- which has
> a metal core and a round outside. I am staying in a hotel with a woman
> with kids. Earthquake, see ground rolling up the hill. Lots of old
> fashioned clothes. Some man tells me he's fucked for the first time.
> I'm getting ready to take a shower in my closet in my room at Dad's house.
> It rains very hard and water comes right in roof. Mom comes in
> complaining because she has to do everything. She is selling movies,
> going to California. Also sells pigs so less chores for us. Snow White
> and the Hidden Dwarves. New room off Shirley's room with six little beds.
> Double of a man, one fights the bull -- they are in a corral.
>
> Traveling to find out about color. People are not together.
> Finally one group agrees on yellow (their papers are wrinkled and not
> neat) and say it's a condition. Drive to where a door has been built in a
> cliff -- man driving camper. Someone says the door is being closed
> because people were lost in there and saw mirages. There is a pool of
> water on a plateau and a rocky outcropping. All the people have
> disappeared except a group of women -- one tries to get water for us --
> even with straw on pool on outcropping. At Grandma's, a couple come in
> and play with their very athletic kid. Go out back. There are designs
> painted on concrete -- orange teapot, purple something. Gary painting.
> Bathhouse with family. Very large man. Then witches convention. They
> let out. I run through crowd. Twin women have a kitten that they have
> been long separated from and are very happy to see each other again.
> Waiting motif.
>
> In California, try to find my way to downtown and get lost. Black
> man writes directions on my sack and a quote. Then correcting papers from
> grade school class -- great deal of work but important -- teaching kids to
> write. Little girl comes in and asks about her pants. I find them and
> run out -- ice on steps, dangerous. J has to leave and change her glasses
> (braces). The party is chiefly men, Iowa City poets. George throws a
> woman (G) up against the wall and then leaves. A man comes to play the
> violin and I am to play the flute (drum top shrunk and broke) and do so
> pretty well. Woman explains the sudden crowd of people previously, she
> says -- that was the Virgin Islands and school was letting out. That won't
> happen in California. Earlier, I go to a place inland (black dirt) and am
> responsible for little kid who is so drunk he passed out. Other woman and
> I expect to have to carry him (he got a license to drive his tricycle but
> doesn't have a front tire), but I put him on trike and then take his hands
> and get him to walk. Get to ocean, which he thinks will sober him up --
> he goes off to be alone. Wedding ceremony in pantomime, with rock and
> roll music for the words of the ceremony. Babysitting for Sally, she
> tries to trick me into writing dolphin song. Earlier, I'm walking with
> several men and they stop to talk to the girl next door about the Final
> Days. I walk down market, my left leg is shorter. Then we have to take
> Yuri (2 year old boy, pale, vegetarian) -- younger girl doesn't want to
> carry him on her shoulders -- change his diaper. Then, in Sally's house
> -- babysitting. She borrows my half-slip which is white with two blue
> terry designs. She talks about the two designs as if they are people.
> Something about Sebastian, come to see him because something is happening
> to him.
>
> I'm the go between Nixon and the new president. Nixon is a new man
> -- says no to nuclear energy. I illustrate a statement by a man with a
> tractor and a man with a gun. I drive green truck -- too close to black
> sports car with red interior, ask man "who's the driver?" I am writing
> letters. I'm the driver. Slow down, keep pulling off the road to
> re-establish my reliability. Guy who says his lips rusted. Beattles
> fucking their way to the top, large and small caps. Dress with sequins,
> blouse made of blue net.
>
> Woman and I riding back from somewhere. She says she's hungry and I
> say, "why didn't you eat?" She gets angry and says I'm boring. Later
> tells me a story about Terry and birth control -- then game show woman
> interrupts and says, "what's one positive thing she said?" She says my
> answer was wrong. A man and I masturbating -- policeman watching. I
> decide to go swimming. I show the girl next door how to dive. Girl comes
> around through bus and puts pink powder on girls' faces who are very
> white. Walking outside high school with social worker. J finds a bag of
> alfalfa in her purse and thinks it's dope. I'm cause and effect. Do you
> mean to tell me if you died, everybody'd die? Laugh and the whole world
> would fall apart? I save Cindy McNair from raping by giant guy outside
> bookstore. Tell him he should be nicer -- people will like him. He says
> don't push him too far. Annie comes and pretends to have husband -- she
> wants to be raped. Song, "I can stagger home any better than you can."
> We decide to go to Joye's Sunday surface. The Americans thought they knew
> everything. Radical, don't talk, pay attention. Parking lot of hospital,
> 50 of tar in my lungs. I tell my family abut May's predictions -- Chuckie
> is shaven and naked -- like a refugee holding a German Shepard pup. Soup
> is greasy, tastes like oil, motor oil. Onions, water and one other
> ingredient boiled together. Clothes hanger equals prudent buying equals
> Mark of Satan.

> 1975 continued
>
> Julie says she is going to kill Shirley -- put
> poison in all our wines -- one woman starts to drink hers and I pour it
> out. My sisters go to stay with her. She is cleaning, her number at
> Peggy's is 338-8988. Says her doctor says she has to travel -- but a bird
> gets a peony in its ass and she's back home. I am staying with Mom, lots
> of kids running around. I have to call repeatedly to get through -- two
> rows of numbers. Operator breaks in, calls because she says I was
> supposed to be at work. I walk out in the middle of the physical. The
> city fathers are meeting to discuss Julie is painting a screw that is
> loose. People don't drink wine, water instead. Julie says she should
> have put it in the milk. Shirley in California -- I go to see her, whole
> family there. I ignore them. She says we should live with an old lady
> for $18.50 apiece. At a very beautiful forest scene, go to grocery store
> where a whole group of little girl nuns are dressed in white with red
> ribbons. I get the key from my uncle Mike, go out and the front is now a
> shooting gallery. I crawl, another woman (nude) comes out and is shot on
> the hand (pellets). Winners are Imperator and about four others. Someone
> says, "you girls" several times and there is always a short guy with curly
> dark hair behind me. He says he likes the way my hips move. At the top,
> a man holds a crooked gun and shoots -- the targets are 278 feet away but
> only 6 feet higher than sea level. Bullets are very wild. A rabbit is on
> the left and a horse on the right. Go down, Imperator is there -- a very
> nice, smiling man -- says he's getting ice cream for everyone. Another
> woman brought eggs and herring and he says, "you remembered St. Patrick's
> day." I brought bread and strawberries. LIttle kids are eating eggs and
> strawberries.
>
> At Allan and Cinda's house in West Branch wearing
> red halter dress and green courderoy jeans underneath. Look at lemon
> tree, man hugs me -- start picking off dead leaves, some are orange on the
> back. Pick off dead flowers, which are dried roses of various colors --
> many white, some red. Cinda takes a red one and eats it -- says it is
> good. So I eat a closed red one -- no taste. I go down to the basement
> to wash clothes. Gram Esther's -- she has bedding hanging to dry.
> Washing machine moved. I decide not to wash them. Dad comes and hugs me
> and says I should write. I get dressed in the halter dress (green or red
> chiffon) with red tights. A woman comes and says to come up - don't
> worry. Go through a town. Woman I used to know gets off bus and into an
> old black and white car. Tourist trap place -- candle store, jewelry. I
> get to party. Man and adolescent girl, very sleepy, in Montessori porch.
> She asks if my name is Elaine. I go back out because I lost everything
> but my pants. Pass kids playing frisbee, they ask if I want to play. Two
> girls are dressed similar to me, but navy blue. I say, "not dressed like
> this." Red chiffon dress gets more beautiful as I go on. Find my clothes
> at a frame shop, they look like a rock -- black pea coat, denim jacket,
> something green. Go to candle store but they put the candles away before
> I can pick one. They are candy. One woman says the other is fat from
> childhood eating habits, she says no. Helping Paul throw hay, man is
> obnoxious, yells at everyone. I yell back, "what's wrong? if you don't
> like it why don't you leave." He does. Then Dumdum -- adults in one room
> with all the food, me in other room with kids. I go got food for them.
> EC makes tiny sandwiches from cornbread, corn and hamburger. Kids sleep.
> House is very clean and nicer stuff. New beds, canvas. No work or
> trouble at all at first, then things seem to get out of hand (more kids,
> crying, real troubles like diapers.) Sally giving a party for the Grad
> College (also test on Mary Hartman). She lives in an apartment near the
> Veterans Hospital. There are pictures of the women painted on each door.
> It is a dance at 8:00. Hard to tell where it is -- turn word over and it
> is a little signpost 1.1.1 Bertolino. I think it's in a small town. I
> spin around in a chair and fall off and knock over a table. A woman comes
> out of the bathroom and compacts it. I sit on floor. Then the party is
> in Sally's parents' house, very large and fancy. Sometimes in a man's
> house -- muscle man changes his look -- stands up straight and he looks
> normal; flexes muscles and hunches over and looks fat (flesh very
> plastic). Then have to wash dishes (not one in red plastic pan)
>
> girl with one hand. I tell her to put dishes away
> at least. She leaves and I tell the man -- very petty. Two women drag me
> away (Karen Hildebrand and J). We go outside, now all women. Swing --
> each person on a trapeze and circle. Three planes take off squirting
> water out their wings and it begins to rain on us. We go to a porch and
> it's part of Sally's parents' house -- someone has made banana turnovers.
> To make the dough you use flour, water, shortning, adding the water
> slowly, more flour if too wet. Something about Sally's son doing work too
> advanced for him -- doing genius work.
>
> Man and I kissing -- I look different in the mirror.
> No birth control -- three diaphrams all with holes, one even has a weave
> with holes built in. Then Sandy staying with us, pregnant and asleep on
> the living room floor. Also a guy who talks, comes in bedroom.
> Rosicrucian play - women all dressed in red, standing in line. Some not
> dressed fancy. Others bring in red dresses and offer to them (open down
> front). Then they begin spraying on hairspray and making fun of beauty
> routines. Three homely women in front (chic women now old). Old man
> comes to visit one (a drunk). Next morning they are in bed with all their
> clothes on -- little kid brought in, they say, "now we can give you your
> bath." [Bookie of the year. Trees knee deep in their children, bobber
> floating among the tree tops. Thomas Bishop, The Unfair Marriage,
> Karanzzos Feast -- dark forest on one side, two sofas and the appearance
> of a clock. three savages in the distance.] Shelley saw his double in a
> mantle --"are you satisfied." I go back to Van Meter -- plan to mix
> insanity and art. I buy land in a river valley -- plan to resell and make
> money. Has a sofa on it. Made a mistake? Working with Jason. I realize
> working with kids is like working with wild animals. Have to be careful
> or will scare them. Jennifer is helping them make masks -- painting and
> weaving them. Heads are a complicated series of strings. We are also
> painting the wood with pink large envelope of negatives. I come back to
> my house with Cher -- both our boyfriends are gone (new tax on bedroom of
> house; $12.50 for four bedroom house, I tell Dad, he has four houses --
> figures it will cost $50). Swimming pool outside dorm, I am taking a
> shower. Woman with penis comes in -- borrows my soap. Hot water runs
> out. Go to work down alley. Woman being interviewed goes and Dad drives.
> Press room with several presses -- Sandy messes them up, all pink paper,
> backwards. I tell Dad. She and I knife fight -- me defense. Dad has a
> new daughter named Rowena, three sons of age between 25 and 10. Half the
> presents under the tree are Rowena's. She has dark hair and is pretty and
> spoiled. Living in a place where garden lasts all year round. People
> from year before didn't harvest. Man also living in house -- Mr. Buck.
> Turns out to be a homosexual. I go to get glasses. Band of nomadic
> people -- many kids in next trailer, sleep outdoors. Introduction to them
> -- frost out. Guy in house hates them. They come over to my house (bus)
> -- part of them. Adults then come over -- crazy looking guy -- eyes
> shining (has transparent purple pendent and fox) surfer guy. Jessica is
> one of the kids. Cindy is mean about a change that got mixed up, then
> tells me about how she cries to social worker -- talks too much. Need
> money to call my mother in law -- who I freaked out with talk of death and
> halleucinations.
>
> Building I want to go in (Gilmore Hall) has moat
> that is easily avoided -- go to the side. Middle aged people come out;
> students go in. I follow, want to go to museum but it's closed. Lie on
> floor and read, go into room with furniture, more people come in. Gerald
> reading page 192 of an art book; Dennis Smith in Iowa City to lose weight
> -- kept him still, no food at first. Both in swimsuits. He starts
> masturbating, I do it. Lots of girls come around making fun. He runs up
> on the music building and cries. Painting and finding pictures, a yellow
> piano. Woman stole a picture of silver fairies, close up of ones by a
> lake, they fill the two valleys. Photo of Mom when young -- short red
> hair in barnyard walking through shit -- faces bulls -- climbs up on fence
> to "feel safe." Get in barn, women working hard. Mom keeps yelling at me
> at the house to open the donut shop. Soap opera -- women talk about pest
> mother -- put her to work while she's there. Very long thin couple.
>
> On my day off I go to visit my stepmother, she's a
> young version of herself -- short dark curly hair, tan legs, tall and long
> waisted. She has a game like scavenger hunt and asks if I have a relative
> named Foley and if I have a garage. Later asks if I saw a garage with
> that name on her place. I am angry and sit farther back in a doorway.
> She throws a diamond ring into a large vat of peaches. I dreamed I would
> get one and am more cheerful. She says a man's face is chiseled. Calls
> us Mr. and Mrs. Collosus from a distance. Gives me the task of catching
> baby rabbits and compliments the way I got them out of one garden. I find
> nests at the edge of the garden, but squirrels and cats. One cat, Siamese
> like Antigone but no tail has beautiful kittens -- peacock blue, one with
> tan squares surrounded by reds and yellows. She and a tan cat take turns
> sitting on each others nests. I trick the mother cats (Dumdum kids) into
> the house and they say, "how could you do this to us?" I steal three
> kittens -- one petrified, get back, they are covered with popcorn. Mom's
> kitchen -- man and another women and she's showing him the "accounts". My
> sister and brother there; I am furious but try to carry on a conversation.
> Say, "do you still want to get married?"
>
> At the Marina office finding "right things" where
> garbage is. The landlords come out -- start a fish fry. I am up in the
> attic with two other women. They talk about how Audrey promotes their
> careers. Audrey says I have to come down. Two women say maybe she is
> cancelling my career. I say she can't, just have to sign something. Then
> with Paul, jokes about a watch. He sounds like Howard Cosell. Person
> gets money, one condition -- must spend it on one thing. Fix car, STeve
> on corner with men -- go to house on Iowa Ave. Women there also, pink
> roses. J wants to stay at the Grad college all night and work -- no key.
> Toilet breaks and falls to one side. Huge room where lots of people sleep
> behind a grocery store. In hall are National Geographics -- rustle of
> many people reading in bed. Ted went to Cincinnati and Mom moved back
> to her house -- wrote Ted that she had second thoughts. Swimming, boating
> -- shark comes. One man stays in and shark always misses. Camping at a
> place to fix it up. I read a book called "Sue". Fairies of different
> countries language given -- one is "Soshu." Guy who was our leader from
> high school. Little blond girl and redhead girl living all alone on a
> farm. Going up creek -- three branches -- one water too deep, one roof
> too low, other one I try and it is the bridge at the edge of Mom's farm
> where the creek goes under the road. Dream that truck tires are different
> five ways. Very big second hand store -- Next to New. My green table
> being sold. I go into a large town and see kids, then meet and go with
> them. Barb wire sticks me. All teenagers go to a man's place, painted
> orange -- then has only two walls. LIttle house with sorority types --
> man holds up clothes to try them on me.
>
> Life magazine with history of people. Indians --
> nice one raped by white guy (raised together). There turn out to be two
> babies -- one good and one bad. Then cold, Yetis take over. Never smile
> -- will drop fish if they do. "Start large fires because they like the
> way they look." Family at ocean -- undertow, my sensor falls off. At a
> lecture on Jung -- Sally teaches it. Student has to give half the class.
> We are kept in different rooms. I have to swim a river -- do it every
> day, but dread it this time. Two tall men are there. I go back to take
> off my sweatshirt and white sheet. Follow the example of boys, run in
> happy and swim dog paddle. Commune type house there. The other women and
> I make food -- yogurt. Wash off motorcycle after throw cats out -- guy
> begins touching me. Very interesting, but why? Because I dusted cycle?
> I have on tan pants. Come home and wake up -- door not locked, paper
> stuffed in it. Steve's parents in house. They bought a trailer with not
> many miles on it. Black and white race horses, male and female, run
> across pasture -- different from other horses, thin. I have a spider in a
> jar that I've had for some time and has grown quite large. It looks like
> a turtle, hard shell.
>
> Parking place, two men run towards a circus or
> carnival. I put away a bat and piece of gold aerial first and don't
> follow. Sally Redfern and I fight, after meeting on the street. Push and
> kick. Then I run into a store to hide and lock her in. She says I have
> one more chance to be friends with her. Going home, several paintstores
> in dream. Bridget Kelly wants paint for her first room. Driving along
> gravel road -- furniture (chairs) abandoned along it. Road very rutted
> and bumpy. Something about teenagers. Woman working for movie company
> goes along to castle to make an important deal. Hostile woman at castle.
> Men of castle use watermelon to symbolize money and all the characters
> start grabbing as much as they can. Women wear masks. "Biggest" guy has
> purple shirt front on elastic. J makes a play for my high school
> boyfriend. I take Hebrew again --will be a lot of work to re-learn it.
> Study at next table -- have to translate four sentences. Very close
> basketball game at Van Meter. Then I go outside to find a place to fuck
> and Van Meter has lost when I come back without finding one. Dumdum kids
> fighting -- I organize them -- teach each one in turn pantomime. Hartley
> pantomimes tying shoes; he is very good at it. The kids become happy and
> do things. Mannix type shoe. I cough and white stuff comes from each
> side of my throat. It is a cluster of round things, rough, hairy and
> stinging. They move, are alive. There is similar worm on my tonsil. I
> put htem in a carton of yogurt and they turn to mush. Playing with
> little kids -- painting. Man comes in who ran in the morning.
>
> Walking with Jeannette from Art Building to N.
> Clinton (Field House) area. She eats ice cream with peanut butter. I am
> bone tired -- can hardly walk -- carry wood bowls and bucket with a little
> water. Large wolf dog growling at another. I say secret word and the
> wolf becomes very subdued. Get on bus -- old red truck. Two men in back
> also very tired. Later dream, eating yogurt -- leave it on corner by
> pole. Go to an apartment in a beautiful old building. Get mail and come
> back several times. Go up and J is very tired -- been typing and copying
> and says we have to re-write one script. Go out with Mom and kids to pick
> up my stuff -- suitcases. The yogurt by the pole is now a mannequin in a
> green dress. I am carrying a portable typewriter and lots of other stuff
> but it doesn't seem heavy. On a lake (frozen) very cold. A group of
> people -- two of them dipping themselves in water. One of them dressed in
> red. Some people huddling in their coats.
>
> May -- I will write a long work -- non-fiction.
> Golda La Mere. Dream book -- orange. Large and small versions -- $105.
> Show it to Liz Voss (wrote poems about how she was a fat little kid and
> asked her mom to cut her fat off with a knife because the kids at school
> made fun of her) and she's upset because two women and also how to sheep
> and sleep on back with hands over solar plexis. Marque -- Cher and Barbra
> Streisand singing together. Cher playing piano -- dressing at Mom's.
> Green pants, zipper broken -- wear long top over it. Said I was going to
> movie, I didn't go to - Ted miffed. Watching boys play football from
> building, tell them that they have alienated "authority" -- I can't play
> because I'm not a man. Then I'm close. Arbitrate mean guy, picking on
> two others. Outside is Mom's house -- black pots, all stolen -- hanging
> at windows. Paul there too. Shirley looks out, startled when looks at
> Paul -- looks aghast at him. Turns over to hide breasts. She is
> sleeping. I move away from the window so she won't see me if she looks
> out. She does. I didn't really expect it. I piss in pot standing up.
> Looking for book of local writer made into a movie. All sold. Miss the
> movie. Orange book -- when I try to think of the title, it's Fear and
> Loathing. Funny woman in bank where I renew books. Talks about clitoris,
> acts funny -- stamps books a lot, ruins some pictures. Some veterans come
> back from the war suffering from spite shock. Red jacket -- Pat Casteel
> puts it on -- then I tell her that everyone who puts it on leaves their
> job. She protests -- I say, haven't you lost your job already? [She was
> the receptionist at the Grad college.]
>
> I am married to a guy who kills someone (Darrell
> Gray) and puts him in the back of a pickup truck. His name is Charlie
> Manson. He threatens me -- asks for details of where I am every minute.
> I tell a woman he's a killer and ask her how long it will take them to
> lock him up. She says, "three days." I lock myself in a room with
> incompetents -- have to hold the locks to keep out his friends who have
> come to kill me. One woman has a filing gray chest. Charlie is a tall
> blond guy with a crew cut. Voice

reading off, "do you have (pictures
> appear)?" They don't have any of them. go to Chinese restaurant --
> everyone in a hurry. #48 -- the spirit of the community. cross beams and
> broken pottery at the bottom of the well. Returning to the life giving
> stream. "forgetting knowlege." J and I meet Pat and Bruce in a hotel --
> this is the second time in a short time. Return Bruce's ring -- green
> stone. (third person returns it) Have met there for something? J talks
> about something, I say, when Virginia Carter (All in the Family) was here
> she said to come out for a story consult. J yells that someone hit her in
> the back -- she'll tell agent. Fat woman who is prostitute. Fat guy who
> thinks she's a wonderful person -- strip tease also. Goes to her and she
> is wrapped up in son. Movie, write about one thing -- sympathy. Examine
> your heart. Cards at J's -- Laurel and Hardy walking along a line.
> Sheets for sale, can't find the ones with the roses. Then Shirley's room,
> Bob asleep -- we are planning something, I'm there alone.
>
> Going to Madison County in car with many other
> people. Narrow brick roat goes there. Steve and girl from Davenport
> talking, J and I talking. There are more adults and kids in the front.
> Then, a semi-trailer rig -- I try to put two things in gas but only get
> one in. Then, climb through engine -- big guy after me. I get in one
> semi -- is filled with beer and I can't get it started. It backs down a
> winding road. Guy who was chasing me is now racing me with the second
> semi. I figure out how to use the choke -- drive for a ways. Stop at
> school like place. Guy comes, other people are helping me -- tall blond
> man especially. I decoy the man by saying something is going to happen in
> the room, then run out door. This time I can't get it started. Think of
> poisoning the guy, but can't kill enemy, have to conquer him. Guy comes
> and is sick and conquered -- he throws up, then kisses me. I wipe off his
> mouth with a sock. He has a hard on. Then I tell him to start the truck.
>
> I talk about picking albums by their covers. Little
> kid races a pony -- which stumbles and rolls down hill. Poetry reading in
> the trailer. Steve reads first -- tough poem. Jewish guy in back leaves
> as poem says "be gentle." He hits the trailer with his car -- knocks it
> down the hill, caught on a tree half way down. Vernon and Audrey say we
> have to buy it. Set up stove so not much will spill. Black guy helping,
> Hartley there. At Mom's, kids in her kitchen. Two other women just sit.
> People bring stuff to Eagles grocery store and have to unload it. Go to
> visit Tim and Karen -- Tim has been lifting weights, stronger. I put on a
> bra. They say California is expensive --only get white bread, no black.
> Covered square covers the whole thing. A big house of a woman with
> several kids. Floors very dirty. Much mess. Woman wasn't working all
> the time to clean it up -- enoying something -- reading or TV -- mess and
> kids depressing. Alandoni's story -- "one girlfriend -- the relationship
> began with an ex-boyfriend holding a knife and ended up with Harry Epstein
> holding a knife." [Alandoni and Harry Epstein both owned bookstores in
> Iowa City.]
>
> Pat and Patty together as a couple. At Cinda's -- I
> suddenly am wearing my brown dress without tights (had on black tights at
> first). Feel funny at first, then decide I like it. A "family" motif I'm
> working on. Woman is named "Arch." Girl who is missing a large chunk of
> her life.
>
> Steve has his arm around a dark girl -- Patty or
> Ronnie. I ask if he prefers her and amazingly he says yes. [She looks
> just like his mother but I'm a neurotic Gemini like his mother.] He says
> he never liked my legs or my knees in relation to my hands or my hands in
> relation to what I'm holding or my poems that are about what people are
> thinking. That's bullshit -- I have very graceful hands. But I do hate
> everyone. When I was walking out the door I saw a white vegetable on the
> bamboo on the bookcase by the door that should have been yellow and that
> tipped me off. It's a wonder I noticed. I guess I'll be going to
> California alone. Steve says he has always liked her. It was quite a
> shock, I almost faint in the dream -- everything gets blurry and the
> colors run together like they're melting. I decide to walk to a car
> factory to put together a 1924 something. Say, "she's beautiful and very
> smart." Starts out I'm yelling at him about his drinking.
>
> Living on a farm -- work first with vegetables, then
> have to go with cows. Try to stay on fence. Hands and knees swallow the
> bowl. Go to town -- very light, walking on one toe. The door is painted
> up. Boy and girl swimming in gutter. Everyone moved out -- now a large
> studio. Old woman celebration in the grocery store. I'm pushed out of
> line by a fat jolly woman. I put back a box of cookies because it costs
> $6. Lots of babies being born and carried by.
>
> Mystery -- who's sitting on Mom's stove. 1. Man
> flirting, looking up woman's dress -- has to do with his role in life. 2.
> I go into bathroom -- Holy of Holies, very white stool, mosaic floor. 3.
> suburbs in trees, Steve McQueen has a bottle house, brown bottle. Cut on
> my heel. I'm halfway between men and women (Ronnie with women) -- come
> out on paved road. Then in hospital -- help try solve mystery of blond
> guy who threatens doctor -- gives fake name. He has white high heeled
> shoes.

> 1975 continued
>
> "He discovered in himself the visionary pilgrim, and
> it was as a pilgrim that he went through life, traveling light." AE (GW
> Russell)
>
> Walking home to Dubuque Street. Man following me,
> pulls a rubber with part of a dead fish over my head -- hits me over the
> head with a dead fish. I throw it back at him. Judy, girl from Waco and
> two of the Casteel sisters (Pat and Suzanne) and I in a car with an old
> man; I'm naked with a blanket over me. Pat disappears but she's only on
> the other side of the old man keeping out of the sun. Judy and I have
> correspondence. Old man says that the fish had stitches -- it was
> thousands of years old. [Pat had pure white Irish skin and red hair.] I
> start to take a bath, dirt in the bathtub, also lots of letters,
> Rosicrucian lessons, egg shell, five water pitchers. Woman says Julie can
> do anything -- we have to compete with her. I say Shirley could beat her
> in a race. "Sue" bends her head back and she has a track person's nose.
> Parents' house -- everyone in the same room; I discover a closet --will go
> in there as soon as they are all asleep, but I have my own room beyond the
> closet. I take things into the closet to clean up the first room --
> clothes. There are only two things hanging up, one is a piece of cloth.
> I have a whole pile of slips -- five slips and a ruffled blue chiffon
> dress. I go into my room naked -- a tall black man is at the door for his
> mail, which the mailman left all in one box -- he has a newspaper.
>
> In grocery store on the way to a play Shirley is in.
> Mom looks at shampoo for each day of the week and buys Shirley a doll she
> doesn't want. I'm in charge of getting all the supplies; we don't have
> any mascara -- I ask my two sisters if they have enough. It is getting
> late -- next they each make a cheesecake. Chunks of cheesecake material
> on a plate, one on floor -- I put it in pie, very lumpy pie. The play
> changes in the middle so that we need different props but have all of
> them.
>
> Stop at a house, girls are unloading hay -- an
> elevator very high, maybe 1/4 mile drops bales at an uneven rate on a
> haystack. It is handstacked in one part and just dropped bales in an
> extension. I and two women with me help unload hay, I show them how to
> throw a bale -- it lands on two women's backs and they stand up to push it
> on through. The opening gets very narrow and has turns in it so that it
> is very hard to throw something through. Grandma Esther is in charge and
> has been stalling because the task seemed too hard, but we finished
> quickly. The floor is polished very smooth under the hay -- like a dance
> floor.
>
> Big horizontal house, all rooms alike -- areas that
> look like basketball court but aren't. Cook carrots, no one will try
> them. Cupboard full of candy because of season. Jason has bananas, I
> take them away. Sandy's ears quite improved, didn't have the attack she
> usually has that time of year. Can hear quite well. Desk -- Jean has one
> of wood, two parts, with a mirror. Dad has one just like it of clear
> plastic, gun rack.
>
> Marlene Dietrich and husband (comediene who retired
> when she did). We are going (Greg, Dumdum) to ask rich people for money,
> Greg says most people only want someone coming at them from one direction
> -- he does for several. Also, they like their elbows kissed. We are
> moving at 9 -- don't remember where -- a place we've already arranged for
> -- remember when the time comes. Staying somewhere, take food, a trailer
> with levels.
>
> In a barn -- lots of manure. I name animals -- cow,
> bull, calf, horse. One woman falls of shelf into stream of water (can't
> swim) which goes down into a very wide flooded stream -- finally catches
> on tree, maneuvers it around towards shore but doesn't let go at the right
> time. "Keep trying" I keep yelling. Then she starts yelling, "a boat, a
> boat" -- climbs to the top of the tree (red dress - Sally). Another girl
> is getting to shore in a white dress. Man comes on platform -- shoots
> Sally, says, "at least I got that hawk." No one says anything. I am
> ashamed that I didn't 1- rescue her from water while shallow, 2-grab or
> yell at man. Later, down on lawn at picnic, man points gun at me. I yell
> at Dad, who's sitting at the picnic table and get behind a tree. Man
> comes to the other side of the tree, hands me a camera. He has a white
> box, I take his picture several times, then he catches me, says, "you're
> out of film, you've had as much as Marines -- the white machine weakens."
> Shirley helping me, or maybe watching. I get my finger up his nose and
> pull his mouth open and his body gets small. He's in my power.
>
> I get my own wicker table which I can set up
> anywhere in the women's store. "Mike" comes -- rushes me downstairs to a
> door of our room -- I'm embarrassed because I'm already married. Two
> other women waiting to get in. Leads me to a bed with a woman (G) in pink
> screaming for a blow job.
>
> Jan very happy, smiling and relaxed -- has a baby.
> We go to a party, talk in a group of women, go inside a large dark room --
> band of black guys in multicolor shirts. Dave, Dan others make fun of
> them -- they come out in audience, one puts his hand on one's face and
> tells him to spit. I tell him to stop and he tells me to go outside. I
> say no, pick up a chair and hit him, then chair as shield. Everyone
> gone. Semi. I go home, start to eat a peach. Shirley walks by in
> pajamas, she's made supper. I hold baby trying to get it to go to sleep.
> On creek bank, catch snake for experiment. Would rather have worms. I
> almost let someone cut my hair. Gynochologist, afraid pregnant, said was
> ridiculous -- exam. [Jan married a gynochologist.]
>
> Exercise class, go in double deck bus. Woman is
> driving, drives into building by mistake - backs out. Downstairs, put
> animals -- head poked through small place. Two small stuffed mice that
> act alive. Bob there. People from high school running co-op grocery
> store. School, music program -- Greg, Alan there. I have a bag of candy
> and nuts, we go on bus until it starts. I turn by courthouse -- 50's car
> stopped, small woman in Amish clothes lying on street by driver's door. I
> get out, car leaves. Lay woman out flat. She says she used OFF (for
> mosquitoes) - I tell her to get Citronella.
>
> An old guy, like coach feeling me up while he
> talks. I tell him to stop and he leaves in a huff. Pages of dialogue for
> when regular feeder gone. Big fish, torn fin -- all fish turn black and
> die.
>
> Snack bar, Norma Carter and her five kids are there.
> There is a room for cherry ice cream cones, all kinds of ice cream. I sit
> behind a screen. Woman dressed like Marilyn Monroe hurries out. Everyone
> is very mean to her, she loses her car and has to walk along the road down
> a hill to a strip. First dressed in white, then black. Women try to step
> on her, they miss and kick her in the face. Then at Dumdum in Art Room in
> bed. Man goes to get rubber. I want sex under the covers. Jerry and the
> kids come in. Phyllis picks up Dee. Jerry kisses me -- I think what's
> the difference between cocks, especially when they're covered with rubber.
> Jerry very calculating. I jump up to see who's taking care of the kids -
> a lot of older people. Man climbs up fire escape, looks in window. They
> are three heights, the highest a round one in the ceiling. I sneak out --
> the Block Room has shapes attached to the walls, Library has pottery and
> paper mache, red shag carpet in hall, part of backyard has been turned
> into pond. Sandwiches from snack bar in oven -- found one on stairs --
> Jessie says it is her baby, I put it back.
>
> Ask her, man says that she'll get it for you. He
> was going down the road. Are you going to rise up from the ground or from
> the shoulder -- wool if from shoulder. Mom talks to manager, he says to
> get people organized with lots of goals so that she can get a job there.
> He's the one who told her about Dad. My hair is short and curly and I
> have a hat like a bowl with feathers or fur, a veil, wood things. Daycare
> -- kids throw rocks, man watching sports, we live in basement -- divided
> into rooms. Living in one room in a house -- look around and it's all
> divided into apartments with lofts. A woman with a shop who makes things
> from shells and metal. I go to a guy's house, Quaker house, and ask him
> to play music for me. Very beautiful but short, I pay him $1 from a jar
> of change, tells me to come back tomorrow -- very hot in his house, messy.
> A war, the ones in blue mowed down by the ones in tan -- then they get
> smart and retreat to a cornfield and dig in.
>
> I'm at Dumdum -- go out looking for a rainbow for
> the kids to use, see two in the sky. Go into bar, a guy comes up to me
> and says he knows my future. I'm a writer, submitted something -- no fee.
> September 8th will be important. Just a little earlier a guy had come up
> to me and told me my name, both names. Go in Kirk's car, I have a towel,
> wet, swimming. Very small car, goes down dead-end, I get out and start
> uphill back to Dumdum. Guy asks where Dumdum is, I say Melrose, someone
> else says 309. Kids have been doing their art while I'm gone. Hartley is
> making little people, his shirt is covered with their pictures. New kid
> made a box filled with captioned pictures - has beans in it. Makes fun of
> things. Water got on it, falling apart. A man says I'll probably be
> interested in another big old house like Dumdum. I am helping a woman put
> together two bowls of left-over carrots. Also cooking meat, wearing an
> orange dress from Egypt -- getting grease on it -- ruined another dress.
> He has just come back from helping a short guy, Sammy Davis. I'm wearing
> glasses. Greg wants me to move into Dumdum and go on work-study (go back
> to college). Eating lunch, Jeannie, Greg changes the music from an
> instrumental to women singing. First there's a small bowl with four
> goldfish and then a huge tank with 10 fish. Dog in a cage, three doors of
> barn open -- I say close them so dog won't run away. It gets out a small
> door I didn't see, chase it, it is more like a sheep. Greg and I acting
> something out, I pick something up off floor.
>
> Little plant had too much water, woman gives it to
> me. I put its roots in the fishbowl because they are dry -- then drop
> plant, can barely see it on the floor. Everything turning to fall --
> outside and in the aquarium -- whose floor looks like a baseball diamond.
> Naked blond child crawling across yard -- is really an adult man -- lifts
> leg up, comes to house, holds penis to hide it. Has two books,
> Shakespeare for children and something else. Dad says throw him out, we
> are doing something -- I put him a ways away.
>
> Setting bombs off in water - might go jail/July. I
> walk home a long ways in the dark towards Mom's - in Stewarts' cornfield.
> All of a sudden I look back and a man is following me - quite close. I
> scream, then say in calm voice, "oh, you were just seeing what it's like."
> Sally is teaching algebra to a group of women in our trailer, several more
> people come in -- very crowded. I go in bedroom because everyone
> disappears suddenly except Jeannette, writing a letter for my step
> brother, Chuckie. My miniature plants have grown, geranium bloomed. A
> man is on top of a girl in the corner -- face separated from body, body of
> mermaid. I fill up body with warm water -- it comes out hand -- and begin
> to masturbate. Shit comes out with water in bath tub. Steve says, "look
> at my pillow." I think I'm leaving or he is -- a note. It's a hunt for
> presents, a record and radio under my pillow. Man and I go into room when
> others go out -- algebra class -- I sit down at table, pretty dark hair
> girl says, "I'm Sheila." Dennis, my boyfriend from junior high, is to my
> right. He says it's too easy. There are three rules to begin - don't
> give up when it gets hard, many people can't get it when the problem is
> switched around. Problem on board is 336 <> 65. There is a machine in
> front of me, each side for solving one of two different kinds of problems.
> I ask teacher about it, he says they don't know about each other.
> Scavenger hunt led to music; Dave helped make it up. Tom was movie -- I
> get to see how I act. See quarter in Nissan. New Sphinx -- regular face
> from stone, wet -- then real Sphinx face of gold comes -- man says it
> takes unfair advantage.
>
> J, Mom, sisters and I return with lots of clothes in
> the car. Pink ones in back window. I'm wearing brown jeans and orange
> top. Mom going to VA hospital, Sandy dressed in white, very trim. Car
> moves off -- I tell Sandy to chase it and turn it off. She doesn't; I run
> after it but it speeds up. Going around track, half way around ahead of
> me. I decide to change directions and catch it when it comes around.
> Then it breaks apart; a couple of parts have also fallen off. I run to
> catch the half -- cutting across center (grass with snow on it) it is very
> close, but now it is the front. I get in and the other half joins up
> again. Then I'm going around and around a room that has railings built
> out into a hallway to make the doorways smaller. There is a wagon behind
> me and as the obstructions get more numerous I begin hitting them and
> breaking them down. The owner won't be mad because I have made the room
> better; I'm fixing my own room too.
>
> Dumdum, I tell Niki and Jessie to wash the dishes
> (they're five). A man is there who agrees, but later doesn't. I help
> them dump water. Greg, Jerry and two other men are talking about fixing
> cars. Gred said they were in the bedroom asleep and someone came in -- he
> had all the grass mowed. Greg came in with his new dog, it is a
> chihuahua, smaller than a mouse. It acts like it will bite. Then there
> are three even smaller dogs that aren't on leashes -- German Shepard,
> female German Shepard and one with long fur on its face. I'm going
> somewhere with an orange sleeveless dress, look very tanned. Dumdum
> meeting -- new guy says he saw my writing and liked it but my pictures
> drove him crazy. He gives a speech; short meeting. Parents are taking
> care of the kids during the meeting, climbing fence at the bottom of the
> hill.
>
> Jerry complaining because of a busy highway right by
> the road where the kids are. I walk down it, it is a dirt road -- boy
> with dog going the other way. University woman asks if we're going to
> pay. Wait for kids, they come in van (blue), horse is there, turns around
> so ass is towards little girl and me; she gets closer. Horse gets very
> close to me, flops down on porch -- it's white -- can talk now, not too
> scarey. Scott gets up to meditate on roses, their water hasn't been
> changed lately.
>
> Going to California in camper -- Rhonda driving,
> other women, Dad - they stop here. I have to ask Audrey to fix the
> furnace. Her face turns to metal mask, she can open venetian blinds so
> that it is a screen - says that will still stink when leak is fixed. I
> tell her there's one in the Shopper for $65 and she says they'll fix it.
> Something I have to straighten out for Dumdum.
>
> Come home, everyone already there -- Volkswagen and
> small car. They're eating outside in front - snotty because they had to
> wait. I snap back, "go inside." They start to leave, leave a banana (man
> says it will ruin snacks), he has to be back shortly. Peelings and
> tomatoes -- I throw them. They say they'll leave me. I say, "go ahead
> fuckers." Check around, pick up crumbs and put them in a jar. Small box
> of charcoal on desk.
>
> A guy who every now and then will twist around and
> disappear under the ground. He carries something around. Then, a girl -
> me with a movie about a thing from another planet - huge - big enough to
> make 100 houses. I want to stay and watch the end, but a man tells me to
> go to sleep and leads me away to Shirley's bedroom. I go back in, little
> kids are watching, making fun, I go - can't stay at Pat Casteel's - go
> through small store, several rooms of home canning, then an old man's club
> house to the car. Kids come, rope car. I use my mind to hold it down.
> They stab through windshield, knife falls through. They roll down
> windows, I pretend to cut them -- they all swarm in. I bend one knife
> (think, this is like a dream before). Then all the kids are sitting
> around talking. I guess all their mothers are pregnant. I offer them
> something. Kevin says, "yes, I'd rather have that than a baby brother."
> Janet now has four boys and four girls -- I ask why; girl says "something
> about a pregnant trap." Talking to Margaret about woman. There's a man
> too - that most men go to. At Wesley House, has lots more rooms, some are
> play rooms for kids.
>
> Move into a one room cabin by Dad's place. Then, it
> gets a bathroom and two more rooms. One room has clothes I'd seen at a
> rummage sale. The other room has been fixed up for kids and has a
> bookcase with a giraffe motif - lots of giraffes. Man comes in and pays
> $12 with a $20 bill -- his childcare bill. We are near Pfeister Derby --
> I go to get change and see that railroad tracks are directly behind and
> there are other small houses. Another house, one my parents and
> grandparents also stay in, so they are cleaning it up. It is a trailer,
> you have to climb up a ladder to get in. I am walking to it with kids, we
> stop. I have to pick up all my stuff, purse almost gets left. Inside,
> glasses all arranged on shelves, everything very clean. I look around at
> the rooms. There's a scarey guy but he's with my sister. He wants
> change. I don't get it at first and he gets some here and there. There
> are a lot of bathrooms, one has holes in the roof/ceiling. Kids come in
> with eggplants and broken purple squashes. I go out, there is a large
> well-weeded garden. I pick some things, then it sounds like a storm. I
> wonder what will happen with the hole in the roof. A man comes with a
> pumpkin and a tiny cat - wants me to carry them because he's getting
> something else. I have just picked strawberries. He wraps the cat in a
> leaf. It eats a strawberry. I'll have to come back for the pumpkin; he
> brings it -- didn't really get something else. My arms are very round and
> firm. I put on a long blue cotton dress with a light blue under-dress --
> see it in a window. I look very slim. The sleeves are strange, the
> collar goes all the way to the top of my head -- I roll it down. One
> bathroom has two bathtubs -- I drop a turd in one, try to pick it up,
> toilet paper is crummy. A man drawing a wig on another man -- inner lines
> are very faint.
>
> I am walking down a dirt road with a hill at the
> end. My sister is ahead -- I run but she runs. Look at road - don't get
> there, then look at goal. When I get there she is black and says it is a
> trap to kill me or to make me kill her. She has a knife (serated). I get
> it, we fight by hand, I get her down. Other people come along the road.
> I ask, "who are you?" I think the black woman is a man's animus -- face
> gets very blurry and white. The three people say that drugs are bad. Man
> says he loves them. At an old folk's home -- cubicles -- they make
> things. Beds - my bed is a double one. I move to smaller bed by wall --
> wonder if too close to passers-by. Dave M. has three plays - one about
> marriage, infidelity, and Christ. Rich guy in auditions, has expensive
> pin, may back - get there by end. One play, two women in loose dresses
> open bathroom door, look in mirror and exit. Someone says they women are
> gypsies. They kept me from getting mail. In a bathroom, men come in,then
> women give a woman a douche everyday and scoop it out with a spoon. I
> shut door and lock, then go out into 'showroom'.
>
> I live in a big house with some empty rooms. People
> come to look for antiques in the house. I tell them to unlock the door,
> dog barks at them. J lives in the same house. We do secret sceince
> experiments at night in the basement and sneak quietly upstairs to look
> around. It's an old woman's house and several people live there. We are
> walking home by cemetery, car near. I walk arm in arm with Rhonda (we
> went to the same Kindergarten thru 12). She cries because her knee is
> hurt -- tells her boyfriend to get doctor. I say we should get car - come
> back. Take her to doctor. Someone says Margaret is giving a party and a
> man says we'll give one afterwards. In the house there is one empty room
> that everyone would see everything as they came in the front door.
> Another one -- very small - but has been remodeled - gone. Woman has
> several rooms in a row -- film clips of politicians, nutrition.
>
> At Dumdum -- lots of leaves. Ginna comes back,
> hangs heavy pictures on wall -- one set of three in a triangle. Also
> brings more furniture. People leave and a guy hands Sof (5 yrs) back to
> Ginna. Dawn waxed floor. On sidewalk, person nearly has picnic. I
> spread out blanket. Most people leave, a mother and son nearby. A
> drive-in with Poetry City painted on it. Girl with white hair comes and
> lies on blanket and I try to wrap her up. The Tower was ajar. Maureen
> was planting thoughts in Joel's (3 yrs) head - notes - then she made the
> piano play without touching it. Girl with dark hair, Jim teaching her to
> be graceful. A man and decide to go home with our little kid. We live
> in a little cabin. There are new picnic tables with umbrellas. At
> Dumdum, outside looking at the aquarium, there's a large non-poisonous
> snake in it trying to eat the frog. Man has the frog inside washing it
> off. Then a very thin red snake with narrow yellow bands chases me -- I
> have a stick but it still chases. I go in the house, stuff a towel in the
> crack under the door. Man and others kill the snake, cut off head -- pull
> the jaws apart. Then I open the next door -- Dad's house and the snakes
> are all in there. I expected this because of my dreams. The brown one
> falls out the door dead. The red one is very big crawls in or tiny hole
> in the refrigerator. In the living room I look under the cover on the
> chair to make sure no snakes -- find papers. There's a little dog. Greg
> lives with us and we throw out his bed -- forgot he was coming back.

1975 continued

1978 (I think) -- dream of a woman and daughter both
dressed in white with dark hair down to their feet who walked from the
Midwest to California in one night. Then they have to go back before
morning.

Take Sebastian to a kids' movie. George Swoboda
comes up and asks if we want to go to one of the Mills (bar in Iowa City).
Man says no, I say yes and he leaves. Later we go to where Tim and Karen
used to live (Freddie's Furniture in the dream). Ten people live there now,
one is a baby. One person is sleeping in the bed. We wait also on a
corner. A guy is there selling books
>

(fraternity guy) when we leave, I
forget some of my stuff on a photography machine -- takes four little
pictures. [George told stories about how he hypnotized with post-hypnotic
suggestions, his fellow recruits in the Army in the mid-60s so that they
would talk when they were at attention and sweep the floor with the broom
off the floor. He also saw a leprechaun once sitting up in a tree. He also
said that Dave Hilton was masturbating while he was driving once and hit a
tree. And when he was a kid there was a UFO over the school in Madison. And
that Tim's suburban family always got picked to do stuff like test new ice
cream flavors.]

I am walking back, come to a swimming pool with a
bowling game -- you ram the pins with a boat. A man is doing it. After you
shut the engine off, you have to wait two hours for it to stop. I swim
across. The man misses and runs up on the bank. We go to my
mother-in-law's house and rip off our clothes. I go to the bathroom and
get waylaid into making the bed. When I get back to the room, the man is on
the lower bunk already writhing with pleasure, so I just stand there. In
the parking lot a small truck with quilt-wrapped things parks between two
big trucks. I park the car, then get in it to wait for 4:30 so won't get a
ticket. Man comes and we leave. Coin purse on dashboard -- bent open, I
say it's his, he says it's mine. Small person lying in bed, going around in
a circle. Force mouth open, then have choice of two beds -- one with girl,
one with tiger. I show someone, then say, "ha ha, you have to choose." Did
I reverse them or not? That is the problem. Poke tiger to make it growl,
it won't. Uncover girl.
I am carrying Chuckie (a baby, but he grows up as I
carry him, big kid, long legs) through heavy rain. Go through parking ramp,
rain changes to snow, baby goes to sleep -- I wrap it's legs, very long, in
a blue blanket -- sounds like Chuckie. I say if I had my glasses, I would
see the individual snowflakes. They look like a lot of spaghetti O's, go
back into building. I am looking for the second floor to look in my locker
for mail. That floor is yellow, then we are in a tent on the ground --
pasture next door to Mom. We are packing and I tell Scott we have some of
his toys and he should get them. Billy Graham appears in the sky in a big
round spaceship and says that if we don't get out (the man who is in charge
of the group) he is going to attack. Then, the air starts rushing out of
his airship and it contorts around and goes out of sight (bright yellow
spotlight on it) as a voice says, "hurry up, lets go." There is a baseball
team in my locker. All this time I've been carrying a dead snake. I drop
it and it is alive, with only a sore on its tail. I look for it in the
weeds -- find a dead mouse. I try to catch it, think about it could have
bitten me while I was carrying it. It goes into a hole in the wall into
next room. Later it comes out for a panel discussion.

Walking down a road. An old man gave me a glass
knife. I cut the road in half (for awhile -- made of paper) so invaders
will know there's a border. Underneath it's dirt, grass -- nice. Further
down I find my Tarot cards wrapped in silk, hairbrush, underpants, other
clothes -- a blue dress inside out. Cross road -- get to trailer and car.
Now I'm with my family, I remember something Shirley said. Sandy is going
to tell. Sandy says, "I think mercy is showing weakness." I say, "no,
that's what makes us human, not animals." Shirley is playing with some
little kids and doesn't come. We go to get her. She is surly.

Steps in ends of fingers. I find a poem my spouse
did with some women that has collages made of magazine pictures. I get
angry, find him walking home up a snowy hill. Yell, he goes ahead, I rush
up hill. Turn left and a little kid on training wheels runs into me. We
fight, I hit spouse and lip is bleeding. Someone comes to the door about
going to a movie - I say I'll go because I'm afraid he's going to hit me.
I've thrown water on him several times. Talk to an old woman with white
hair and her husband who have a trailer. They left for the summer and I
looked at theirs. List of plays, J's -- one lost by Allan K. but he
remembered part -- written on wall and it is to be performed. Silence to
love.

By a stream -- army coming, shooting soldiers --we
go up hill to trees. There are large trees. Karen there, fat guy with hard
on. Others go down hill -- I tell everyone to take off red or bright
orange. I have on a red jacket. A few of us are left. We go to farm that
old (Russian) woman runs. Standing at garage door --to left new building
with black interior. Go down hill, little boy throwing up into a pan of
water says, "help me, Sheila."

Intuition - clairaudience, hears things, thinks in
words
Vision - "sees" things when described, learns
photographic memory, clairvoyant, vivid dreams, daydream to see final result
Prophetic - "knows" it, precognition, dreams come
true, deja-vu, good manager
Feeling - sense of touch, picks up things from
touching people, 85% of feelings they feel are from someone else,
psychometry

When ideas more important than people, keeps you
from experiencing. Nothing disappears, it changes form. Society - rules,
get self-organized.

Watching my flock of chickens eat bugs and weeds -
thinking about where to put them for the winter. Get in car, drive to well,
then drive up Mom's circular driveway, turn off car because low on gas, go
in. Men talking and painting upstairs, I was never much of a goer anyway.
Mom tells me to shoot a calf for the freezer. I run down and refuse, say,
"you just want it to all be blamed on me." She runs up the stairs after me
with a paint roller. My spouse -- some confusion with young girl. Look
through freezer, find five beanburgers and say we don't need it because we
eat 3-4 packs per year and we have a lot already (don't). Mom's
sisters/sisters-in-law are there -- Dorothy and Karen. I go through my
folder and reduce it to three on my way to class. They are more
interesting.

Greg, Margaret and I park in student union. I take
Margaret home -- guy has "movie" I made of stills. I take pictures of 4
women, 3 boys, my brother. I have Mom's green truck -- brakes bad. Greg
argues and gets a ticket. Go to "concert" and end up playing softball.
Greg the only one who knows how. Curtain with small crack between us and
batter -- ball comes through. Newspaper -- scientists at San Jose combine
nuclear Nixon - nuclear energy. The Russians make + or - shirts with words
on front too. Government will kill off all tall blond people so all will be
short. Car with feet for wheels. Cut throat with alkaline. Come home and
men getting jars. Judy takes some of my cloths. I steal them back. Judy
steals money from my sisters, threaten her. Man and I have sex until 6,
then he jacks off -- confusion. A group of people -- killed a woman. I end
up lying in a casket; I'm a 30 year old man. A house with three TVs, a girl
from where my husband works. May -- bank. Church -- bank in front. Buy
tea in grocery store. Woman who is 66, looks 25 -- mother-in-law, fed kids
artichokes for snacks. Blond hair, white coat, furry legs -- working as
secretary. [If this is me, I'll still weigh 150 pounds when I'm 66
apparently, I'm never going to lose weight.] Go with two women to pick
grapes -- on top of corn. Have to count them. Man had rich father-in-law
who lost money -- was generous -- he got it back. Home, leave apartment for
cave. Pat and friend on balcony. I call man, not him -- go down to
basement -- kitchen, bathroom. Shit in tub. Pat takes my hand and leads up
stairs. Tell something. Lots of people. Play basketball after long
absence -- Terri (star) out -- not doing well.

We go to store for electric blanket, then I decide
two is enough. Man buys notebooks, male cashier says, "I wish I was fast."
We buy a single bed from Sally. The beds are made sloppy. She has zebra
skin on door. With J and S look for boxes in warehouse. Old clothes, also
black something for me. Close, I lie on bed with bag of candy Laeri gave
me. O comes in with amphetamines. Dumdum -- pick lint off Jennifer.
Gayle comes in and says not to yell at kids. One parent objects to Babar
the Elephant. Watch sunrise, swarm of birds, very beautiful.

Cleaning gravel out from under my plants. Outside,
police car pulls up -- Joan and Gram Esther [Joan died in 1961 of a brain
tumor at age 24 -- three kids under five -- she was Gram's favorite
daughter] they are talking about California -- they want to go there, but
can't find a place. They point to a wall-cliff across the way. Their
houses are up there -- ask the kids -- what's the easiest way up that
mountain? I start at other end sorting through my treasures -- petrified
snails, snakes -- I get confused, think snail is snake. That's what I'd
like -- life on loaf. Karol (Sebastian's mom) barely hit little girl --
woman framing her -- removed the steering mechanism from her horse -- which
ran away. At Salvation Army looking at clothes, can't take leather or hoods
downstairs. Man has girl with sign -- mechanical assistant. Look for black
dress -- whole rack of wedding dresses with bridesmaids dresses.

At VA hospital -- crazy guy chasing us -- I put car
across drive -- go in. Man in black threatens crazy guy with gun, hits him
on head. I go inside -- woman says, keep him out of here. Take kids and
decide to hide in building -- go upstairs (carpet). Scott and I hide in
bathroom when someone comes. Go out onto balcony -- suddenly know I'm
dreaming and say "let's fly, Scott." He says something about gravity. I
jump off balcony, don't fly -- fall on ground. People come -- car wrecked
on its side -- I go to see it. Joel/Scott eats mushrooms when we are
bagging them. Then we are both stoned -- I see two auras, one red and one
blue which aren't together. He describes mine -- a black spot on the left
that looks like a vampire -- "but you will be able to overcome it with the
aid of people around you." Green cap on top of head -- means healing
powers.

With Mom and Sandy in a boat. I have been here
before when water (lake) very shallow (one foot deep) -- now snow. Boat is
metal -- very shallow -- snow covers it too -- I clean it off. Forget about
water and step out of boat, then all water dries up. Higher up is water
enclosed in a wall. It is deep but looks shallow. Sandy walks on the
bottom five feet below the surface. I knock something down which hits the
wall and knocks part of it down. The wall is eroded on the inside. Joel
pushes on the wall. I bite him and hold him up by the feet. Terri, fat
stomach, decides to regain 10 of her pounds. Shirley went to college.
Sandy and I help her move from Gram Esther's house -- long way to carry
heavy things. At Dumdum, I spend a long time talking, kids are next door on
a circular swingset.

I go off again, then upstairs in house John Lennon
there with gardenias in his hair (I say jasmine). It is a trailer with 4-5
phones. I go to bathroom -- too much paper -- looks plugged up. Plane
comes and looks in window. J's father has one but wants a jet. The kind he
has uses too much fuel -- too dirty. Ronnie is John's girlfriend. She and
I look at books about movies made of "fairs". Men sit in booth. Man is
impressed by John, he has been grouchy -- is calling for money - only his
girlfriend can hang onto it. She puts it back for him. We live at Mom's --
go out and leave lights on -- to see a dope plant. Pass the garden, many
women there picking vegetables. We go to the field -- pass a guy who gives
the man money and says he's sorry come back later. Sandy lives there now --
woman and man waiting -- woman has beat up gold car, tall, red hair --
kisses him on the forehead. Sandy going to outhouse. She hears us walking,
man stopped walking but I didn't, man walked loud because he's hard of
hearing. We are going to have sex outdoors -- first green, then snow but
warm, then bitterly cold. I get a topcoat to wear lying on ground. Go
behind house and climb hill -- straight up -- plants and strings but some
strings break, primitive people were at a disadvantage, didn't know how to
use arms. Get near top, turns into a pile of hay. I pull down part of the
pile and have to replace it. Part of it is right, the other half won't
climb. Bassetts there, swing down hill on ropes. People at bottom talking,
condescending. I swing by "head man" Tom? [Bassetts moved there when Bob
was in 4th grade -- very popular, Rhonda Allen and other girls would sing
the hit song that year "I Want to be Bobby's Girl."] Man and I in bed in
field, I have to go to the bathroom. There is a grate built into the bed,
but I go into the house anyway. I count reading in a book -- get to three
-- read, it means eliminating bad things through concentrated will. Then
read four, about how to go from there. Then I'm in Miss Padley's room,
fifth grade. Old woman reads my cards -- see me taking a test. I come
home, live on a long road, walk usual. Old woman sits there with fake head
on ground nearby.

We go to a little cabin -- very nice -- lights get
charged up during the day. All kids there, smoke. Man says, "and you won't
come here." Mom and Ted come in and cook, Ted leaves the refrigerator door
open twice. I yell at him, fight. They leave, people say I was right.
Gary has a beat up gun on the porch -- was $80, got it for $20. They figure
out how to pay $100,000 for car at 16% interest. Old man buying patent
medicines -- one can of rose something claims to do everything -- has 2.75
mercury. Go in store which is closing out -- woman and man having fight.
He didn't come home, he and his sister stayed in town writing, going to
movies, etc. My cousin in bathroom with my sister. Two women -- something
secret on half sheet of paper. I and another woman each chew it up. I hide
mine on table. It gets revealed, but I cover it up again with a box of
tomatoes. Camping on hill. I take little kids back -- pass other people
camping -- all very friendly.

I was trying to cross four squares -- pass chicken
house -- separate black from white. Girl comes out to help me and thin girl
with black hair -- introduces us to her friends. We hide, girl in tiny dog
house. When they come in I say I'm gathering eggs -- some large, some tiny.
Man going to rape me -- I break his arms. Hide in corn -- Dad after me with
electric prod or dogs or urine. Reading a comic book Greg made while
driving. Someone was a broken mirror, but my advice to him was, "you don't
put it back a piece at a time." Some people are no good as workers because
you have to watch them all the time. We arrive at Gram Esther's. Someplace
-- a tour, see big hive for bees, none in view -- one comes out, very big.
Black and white. Back with parents, I'm going on important job interview --
decide to wear white coat. Shirley gets a letter and I sit up -- I want one
part. At a place where you go through a horror show -- last thing is
miniature golf. Guy who sells tickets can't decide if I'm Grandma or
Grandpa. He is in charge of two rooms -- one is refreshments. J wants to
buy something -- she gets roast beef, I get ham. Man and I go down to water
-- he has mattress, disappears from sight on water. I don't have one,
watch, angry -- shore is distasteful. Women getting tans in view.
Something distasteful about the water. If something I don't want lies there
-- it will freeze. My sister, but she has a cock -- I am mistaken, it is a
man. Go to woman's, workmen are destroying blue flowers that purify soil.
I suggest we transplant them. Get a good one, shovel. Stem looks like
this -- T. Tall, small leaves, large blue flowers -- get them from
neighbor's farm. He plows too close to the stream for them to live. Must
be by stream. Another stream would flood them out. I think of it as a seed
-- but it's a full-grown plant. I see a primitive thing, let it lie and it
will freeze, other kids catch animals (small). Go to farm -- people let out
cows so I can see them. Cow in front shows her heels, others coming up
behind.

I picture Pat's bedroom -- first as a drawing and
then it takes on life (like it's supposed to in meditating) -- I explain
it's the only person's bedroom I've been in, to try the experiment -- time
traveling. At Gram Ester's/Dumdum -- everyone working together, a big
dinner. I pass out crocheted napkins. After over, I get food out of
refrigerator. Someone says, "don't eat all the olives." Sister asks why
Pat isn't painting. Mom says he's waiting for the moon. On path beside
road, boil on my ass --we are going on it to avoid Devil -- glass plug in
back of boil.

Go to a wilderness place, snow -- to find out some
information to complete something. Two men go there at the same time in a
small jet --only one knows how to fly it. Approach place from two ways --
second time my notebooks are there is place. Then, there is a play
performed, I stand in the doorway. It is embarrassing in one part, then
they start dancing -- man joins but doesn't know the steps, just jumps up
and down. One guy dances facing out in the circle. I don't dance, no bra.
Man has on plaid pants and a green cubscout shirt. Then, no shirt, hair
growing down his backbone -- very hairy. Girl on stairs as we leave --
sniffs my pants, unzipped. I give her some of my rose perfume. I take all
the kids to Darrell's -- very nice apartment. They don't fight, but mess it
up. Go back, car is long station wagon. Try to call, it is 8 PM, parents
don't know where we are. Two people talking, receiver off hook. Staying in
a house, in closet. Woman reading play walks back and forth among four
people -- we take turns reading/singing. Dog bites my toes. I hit it, then
have to calm it down by petting. Jessie comes in and shows me her new dress
-- orange knit, two pieces. Mayasa has one too - beautiful various color
stripe top, black skirt with designs. Scott comes in -- asks if I heard dog
howling at Darrells -- he was putting it in car. I asked how he got it in,
he said he cut it into pieces. I wait on street corner for woman's little
daughter -- fall asleep. She never comes. I think she's blond. She
finally comes - she's a very short adult woman wearing a long black skirt,
black sweater, false eyelashes falling off. Sandy and I in drugstore. I
offer to write down laws of the universe. Something strange happened to her
-- a big herd of cows. She has pictures: pink flamingos, cows falling from
the sky, cows running.

At Dumdum changing diapers -- Delon and Jerry also
have diapers. I take Jerry's off and wipe him off. Shit in deep crevasses
like chicken bones but say he has to put it back on himself. He says he
wants it because it's cold. I go to the hospital and wait with Mom -- go to
restaurant and call to tell Lauri I will come back and wash out the diapers,
but I call Grad college and dial wrong. 353-5535, 353-5510. First time I
get a lecture on divorce and second time a service/gas station. I have
worked at the restaurant. The phone system has been changed. There are
codes -- such as job, age, etc. Kids flying with umbrellas -- cultural.
Swimming pool -- I go to swimming pool where Maureen Cozad works -- she
doesn't like it. Charley (dog) outside window ordering some action -- he is
vitality. Lights go out - hitchhiker wants us to take him. [At Dumdum one
day, Greg said to take the kids for a walk before supper to the end of the
block -- a cliff overlooking the highway below. On the way back, I saw a
white dog lying in the street, no blood. I ran and told Greg and he went
out and there was no dog. He was a pure white dog -- sort of like Charley,
Gram Esther's dog, but bigger.]

A meeting of strange people - women there I don't
know. Lots of records (Bryan Jennings?) Woman talks to me while I'm
reading -- I can't hear her. Half the people leave -- Diane and Jasmine (2
yrs), they say they are Neanderthals. They are going to Jupiter. They will
never come back because of the vibrations once they get there. After they
leave, I listen to the other group. One blond woman with no pants and a
little girl stayed. They are discussing questions. Hartley (2 yrs) tells
story about woman who lived in Mom's house before -- shower, closet. Gray
book -- journal of Dumdum -- I get it at church library. My camera set up
on table -- turns into hill. Dirt on left side. I set things in there.
Have to stop doing that =- left chain not stretched out entirely. I am at
Dumdum -- two tall, thin people come to take my place. [Diane took my
place, she's short and thin.]

Some of the parents were going on a trip with their
kids -- we figure out how many will be left if we have enough. They get on
a bus, but only five men are going with the kids -- Jim, Steve. Then I'm
with them -- we are at Grandma's and have to walk two miles to Dad's.
Sebastian (4 yrs) wants to be carried -- road hot, I throw him in the ditch
-- he shapes up. Find books -- very good kids and blank books -- one has
entries about dressing up. I wonder how different a kid would be if its
mother had started out with scientific things instead of dressing up. Go on
North Road -- pushing kids in grocery carts. Get near Clark's at the bottom
of the last hill before Dad's -- my two sisters drive our car -- lights
look not on, but one is dim and the other one is out. Sandy rides Spook, I
have to lead him up the hill -- very tall, pull the bit out of his mouth.
Dad shows me, put the nose piece back on of the halter. Cars come -- lots
of them, kids are in carts on the road. Then kids in back of truck, some in
field until we can get to them -- I worry about what they will do to the
house. Look down hill -- there's a ring with Jose someone who fought
Muhammad Ali and was killed. Adults come because they think they are going
to see the fight. Announcer says the fight is going to be Jose laying there
dead. Someone says, "I wonder what Jose's father thinks about this?" A
huge hat falls out of the sky. A voice says that parents who sent their
kids hoping they would be killed are going to get it.

Someone burns all his stuff. I grab out some
records. I have a new "upstairs" room. Two piles of records and some
tapes. Mom is calling. Sandy's back is hurt. Mom is trying to put
pinchers on nose, she squeals like an opossum -- deep cut in back. Strange
things removed -- balloon, flesh. I give weird worm to fish -- carry it by
end, sort of like snake. Take lid off, like cover of well -- fall down in
darkness.

With Sandy and Shirley -- we decide to go to a
lawyer, look for one in phone book. Sandy remembers one from before -- he
won't see us. But Shirley sees him walking then, on the river in his boat
-- we know where he lives. We decide to go there -- all four go past,
places we know. I say, "doesn't it seem strange to see places you know from
this side?" Go past Grandma's -- she sees us, goes in. She has a red face
and a lighted cigar on the couch, puts it in her mouth. I know she's mad.
Dad comes -- he's very mad. Sandy and I run out, Nathan puts his hand over
Shirley's mouth -- keeps her there. Nathan has a suitcase with slanted
lines for numbers - asks if they're foreign numbers, he had to pay a lot for
them. Sandy and I go to a lawyer, I am thinking that I finally rebelled
against Dad like her and now I'm afraid of him. Downstairs to office, Dad
comes in door. I only remember the first part of his name, lawyer takes
Sandy upstairs, I want to go too if I have the same problem. I go back
down, suddenly very tired, puts finger on my neck, says 111. Sit down,
Lorna comes in, says she's not as sneaky as she thought, it's very
interesting. I say, "can't wait to get back?" Hear fighting upstairs, I
shuffle unfamiliar cards. "Didn't you think?" I think all the time, can't
stop. This is my bed and I'm going to lie in it.

Start back for Dumdum -- rehearse speech like going
to lawyer. On left side of the street, decide to cross to right -- spiral
ramp, go up. Girl turns around to follow me. I tell her not to, she yells,
"robber" -- purse on ground. Then well lighted, can't find last ring of
ramp, disconnected, used as shelf -- not walkable. Suddenly we're in a
cable car running down very fast -- one woman tries to stop it (Joy from
women's prison). Goes through street - torn up for construction, finally
stops in soft dirt. I am mad, ask who did it. They say one woman. Little
boy pinched the leaves off my cactus, I yell at him, tell him he can have
it. He says he's going to kill me. I decide to take it lightly. I say,
"think before you do things." He says, "I think all the time." I'm glad
you went to the bathroom, now I can remember your smell. He also re-pots a
frozen dandelion. Girl comes up on my left side, says, this is my bed, I'm
going to lie in it. I was afraid he was going to kill me when my back was
turned.

In Iowa City -- near Grad College, a sign that says
"If you do that you'll be sorry." Old lady standing there for hours smiling
at people. All women at Grad College washing their clothes at the same
time. Go down to basement -- see Chinese guy with twin boys -- one on each
side of track sitting with legs around mirrors.

In a room with other women -- big window with view
of mountains and clouds. Then I'm out climbing mountain, in meadow. A dead
bush on my back like a coat. Cows, I scare them away -- they come back and
one walks close. A woman, then a rack of clothes, a book printed in silver.
Karen has people concentrate, then hold a scrap of white paper in front of
their mouths -- a light of color appears -- blue, green, red, fair. On a
journey with group of kids mainly. Reach destination, start back. Have to
go by landmarks. Stop to eat picnic on grassy knoll. Choice of paths, at
one point my path leads through barn with large black dog and sign at
entrance. Then a building with art and stuffed animals. Woman helps kids
with money so they can learn and then she finds homes for them.

1975 continued
Cabin at late in Wisconsin (Nemacogan) Daughter sucking on mother's breasts
-- get long like cellophane ribbon, then go back. Floating in outer space.
Get dressed for game, but it's already started. Wake up, walk to cabin from
night before -- ground more wet, consider masturbating, notice little man
going through other door as I go through one, door side by side. I yell for
help. He gets in bucket, I sprinkle water on him and he disappears. Little
man is like a shadow. 1st Friday/September -- in room where I go after
school and play music, find several little girls tied up with their heads
through sacks or tapestries on the wall. Look like trophies. One dead in
the bottom drawer who's been there before. I asked one girl on the wall,
where's your sister and she points to the bottom drawer. Bob tied up in
back room. Woman starts to leave without her pop bottle, her next door
neighbor is in the bottle and comes to the surface asking why. Eat hotdogs
at O's -- he lives with two old women. Young, likeable man whose
friend/doctor had to drive a stake through his heart. I am in room with him
alone first and he rushes me. I stand still, plan to duck at the last
minute -- he rakes my side. People all around cry when he dies, he is
smiling, hands folded, crying is wild, frantic.
9/10/75 Mom's house, Lois there complaining about gaining weight, puts on
corset. I try to keep red bug which is sometimes a baby in a box -- large
long box with pictures on the sides like landscapes, books and other stuff
in box. Bug runs away under wall in space with charcoal briquettes. Lois
brings it back, lay baby on its back on my knees, but it gets in the box and
looks like a cockroach. Box catches on fire in one corner and spreads, I
save things out of the box (someone says mainly my stuff) and try to save
the bug but it isn't moving anymore and is burned up. My fingers go through
it. Then we go for a ride in the car (man), the front of the car is in a
ditch -- sunk into dirt over the front bumper. I start to drive but the
only seat left is passenger -- tending baby again. Bull, Sandy driving --
she drives away fast to lose the bull. Two kids at Johnson's farm next door
learning to farm -- she stops at Mom's driveway, I get out for some reason,
then remember the mail. Man says, let someone smaller do it -- Mom and
Shirley get out and run to the mailbox, bull beats them back, steps into the
car and says, "drive on."
9/13/75 living in dorm again, Sonny and Cher there. Guy says he is going
to come back and beat us up -- locked all windows and doors -- could only
reach in one door that is left and they beat him off. Lunch room, burned
charcoal briquettes. Man and I get married, go to barn where we build a
barrier out of a table with a tablecloth, rope, gates to

keep cows out of
house half of barn. Calves could get under. Dad -- tell him to fix it. I
gather up all the glass, and keep some bottles. This is a task we did for
Dad.
9/14/75 Peeping Tom. Group of gangsters, girlie show where girls slide
down roller-coaster type slides, fair.
9/15/75 Go to visit Julie, live in top of huge house, old mansion made of
rock. Walk around, chased back upstairs. All three women trying to find
food, me crackers. Gail comes in afraid of man following her. I go back to
camp, it's morning, going to leave. Janel/Shelley pulled up on bell tower
rope -- forgot her up there, I ask if time to bring her back down. We were
helping the maid serve the servants macaroni. I roll down rope like a
carpet, slowly. Her feet and legs are still in the crouching position, she
stretches on bed luxuriously -- looks like a baby in one piece pajamas.
Bars, Shelley and I in side rack.

electricity, the passion of space/magnetism, the passion of matter/passion,
the capacity of being

Fish Jumping Like Rain sleeps with one eye open/can't join myself/rat
race/out the window floating horizontally/wood frame is rotten/no door/shoes
in bed/an old man/a young man/like she's afraid to look/record her
disintegration/the janitor/an island/a boat/I set out quite calmly/half way
over a cliff/the truth has no need of tragedy/let it go for now/fog
warning/die for now/a boat wrecked/full of water/my brother/here in ruin/the
rain/these three men/what time is it/before it begins again/one can't live
in two worlds/oh father/I can manage/the lights of day/chasing/the shadow
hides/can't you wear/your happy face/out the door/flagstones/voices/here in
this room/let me teach you/to walk again/what does it mean/a country
attack/the disease of women/flight on the job/terrible beyond words/prove
it/bravery in numbers/bombs miss Rodin/built his nest on Japan/an earthquake
will hit/where cities existed/there will be ruins/and forests/where there
was nothing but nature/there will be cities/cultural fringe/on a scarf of
land/a spinner making strands of mist/of thought/of consciousness/cloud/fish
jumping like rain/the liquid eye/the hunter/driving sheep/across the sky/the
fire saws the logs/like a rubber band/nipping off horns, tails, testicles/a
grape/an egg without a shell/in a skin/a yolk for a peach/strawberry juice
for blood/orange juice for the color of your hair/and eyes/something I've
always wanted/a dunce cap/to sit in the corner/watching the fire go
by/feathered red edges/purple blue where it flows over the wood/icy white at
the center/sparks buzz away/in a transparent tornado/taking the memories
out/turning them this way and that/the same for dreams/and what about
tomorrow/blind man's bluff/combining air and wood/with water

Old dream. Walking away from the ruins, down a road that looks like the
Apian Way. Come to a house with young men hidden in the closets. They are
marble statues of nude men -- two of them. I bow down to the statues.
they're very beautiful. I get them out of the closet and then a band of
refugees comes in and catches me. Another dream -- an army is on their way.
I am terrified out of my wits and begin to run through the town. I dress in
a nun's black habit, but a voice says that won't stop them. I blacken my
teeth but can't knock them out. Finally I hide in a cupboard or wardrobe.
I'm wearing a long gray wool dress buttoned down the front and high buttoned
shoes. Someone comes in and says I've missed the departure. Outside, I am
on a cart pulled by an ox, then in a tent pitched on sand.

9/23/75 Go down hill from Dad's house, to get a job as a preacher. Someone
took pity and gave allowance. House with four rooms upstairs, I keep
breaking into one of them. Dump garbage in store where I used to work.
School with kids guarding doors, Jerry comes out to chase us away. Home to
Mom's barn -- animals along the way have bones and muscles but no skin -- in
pairs. Go in barn, three calves. Nathan shows me new step for "big or
little step."
9/23/75 Poetry weekend, two groups of poets. Steve Richter is one and has
an old blue Volkswagen. I follow girl I think is the person, but is a guy
named John -- he comes in, other people broke his fan. See Rhondi - she has
houses on land for $2500-3500 between Madison and Midway. Guy looked like
Neil, girl that looked just like him. They rent a room in a motel in hopes
of new poems -- smash or condense poems. At Mom's bridge, people are
hauling up rocks, whole wagon full, flat ones like flying saucers -- all
colors. Other people gather, workers need amphetamines -- one worker sells
them. I say, too bad there are too many for you to enjoy them. Also a
magazine on the pile of rocks, poetry or Whole Earth magazine. I go to a
poetry reading, hundreds of cars in a small house. Going to park outside
and watch (I drive Volkswagen), go in, to second room. Sit in empty chair
by Indian woman -- ask her if already taken and she says yes but I just keep
sitting there to see if another woman comes. [Man once told me a recurring
dream he had of a lot of rope going through his hands -- thought he worked
on a ship and that was his job -- hours long dream all night.]
9/24/75 Shirley getting married, go to see them -- sit around on floor
(house has wide staircase). George Kennedy is in Dad's room typing at the
desk. The staircase goes to my room at Mom's and Sandy comes in (I see
Mom's shadow behind her) and they tell me there's been an inquiry about a
hem I did in a light blue polyester dress because it was so sloppy. I say
at least it held. Mom says they had to replace all but about one foot. I
say it's none of their business (the board of inquiry) and I'll write them a
letter saying, mind your own business you sons of bitches, etc. Then I'm
outside. Then Sandy and I alone in Mom's kitchen. She came when Gary went
out to get something and she didn't leave a note but Gary won't care. I say
maybe she should call or he might beat her up; she says he won't even
notice. See a station wagon drive up the driveway out the kitchen window.
Drives right up to the mailbox and starts pounding a row of nails in the top
of it. I want to yell at him, but she says no. Then I realize he's coming
towards the house and it is now the trailer with no lock on the door. I run
to get Dad, he's asleep and very groggy, comes slowly. I run back and hold
the door, very well surprisingly. Guy gets his arm through with a knife and
Dad holds door. I grab knife (only a butter knife) thrust towards me and it
cuts my hand but it doesn't hurt. Stabs also in the top of my thigh where
it folds (voice says, I didn't mean to do that). I grab knife, also
surprisingly easy. Tie door shut with wood and leather -- he waits
obligingly, gets both arms in though because of me letting go of the door to
work with the knots in the leather. He shows his papers to Dad -- St Louis
linebacker, tells Dad he wants me. Dad acts like I've got a good deal. I
scream no, my sister slips out door. I think he'll take her instead (mixed
emotions), she steps on him and smashes him flat like a piece of paper.
Then he's back at the door. My brother touches the leather knot and I
scream "traitor" at him, but he says it fell off and he put it back.
Everyone else calm and a little amused -- guy at door is like the bull from
earlier dreams. Guy called, don't be surprised, talents, showed how well he
could do things, like sing and write poems. Nothing. Sleeping outside on
hillside. Insects start coming around, then a large dog. Magician turns
blue when sun goes down. Sticky black creature with stiff hairs gets on my
fingers -- first like insect.
9/25/75 My relatives visit, I'm playing with baby, they go out and start
putting up plastic on windows. I put baby down with beautiful toys to go
help them. Sidetracked sweeping up large dirt on kitchen floor - water
coming from under stove. I say we always live in places like this. On
street, pass an old man carrying two heavy bags of groceries, I ask him if
he wants help just as a man in the street asks the same thing, then he only
has one bag of groceries and a sack with a handle -- he didn't want help,
but he says happily, "I'm going to see Alice." The other man says
spitefully, "all you have is a bag full of bananas anyway." Walk farther
and feel somebody walking on my heels -- crowd of little kids about as tall
as me, let them pass, then feel more -- confront them, get behind them and
walk on their heels. I feel like a bully, grab one kid's maraca at the
corner of a busy four lane street. Then I give it back and I'm all alone.
Man and I on a bus, two wet swimsuits on wall.
9/25/75 my parents sleeping, Dad decides to get up and hit me. Mom says,
"don't hit her, let it pass." She rises up from the covers naked. Dad
comes in and I ask him what I did.
9/26/75 elephant
9/27/75 dead people all working on projects that do wonderful things --
some never done, seem to involve rubber boxes. Seem to need the help of the
living to remember what principals, they knew when alive. At first I don't
take seriously - they seem to be playing, doesn't work, get into it more and
more. Go back to high school, my number 1971. Grace Merical, secretary,
says, "yes, but you graduated in 1969." I think it's a basketball game and
I need money but it's a musical. Girl playing cymbals, showoff playing
violin. I take off my blouse, a sweaty blue shirt of mine in front of me.
Go down to play basketball, John Wilson center, girls on one end, boy hog
most of the balls. I get one rebound, boy takes it away and throws my
vegetable up into basket -- sinks into slop. Come back, everyone gone. Go
to Lois's for dinner, Shirley running around naked, bathroom door warped in,
she stole it from me.
9/30/75 Car parts, keep changing shapes, something to do with inspiration.
I can't understand, very frustrating. I was going to have a play, dry ice
for dreams.
10/1/75 Starts out in a study. Man riding in a coach made of red and white
roses, looked better from the outside (stems inside), goes under it's own
power. Then the coach dumps two complaining women into a shallow, clear
river and they're covered with green plastic clothes baskets. Man brings
them to shore very carefully so as not to hurt the antique shovel handle. I
tell the man about the dream in the dream. He looks at me and says I
started out from there and went somewhere else. I look "coach" up in Jung
and it is there; argument over who had better dreams. Man says I do because
of ex-monsters made up of forests on edge -- they are beautiful. I go to a
jungle kind of place -- I wanted to go to an island, had to cross a narrow
ditch of water. Boat -- when put boat in, current took it away, then
brought it back and I caught it. Very neat little garden on bank -- I
consider swimming across. Man tells me over there had been a fire, there
was nothing. I consider taking three dozen eggs and going anyway or waiting
on the inhabited bank until the right time, hide matches. At night, ditch
calm, another group also waiting -- they cooked yellow mushy stuff. Fight
with person who came over -- knock weapons in water. Then get in boat,
float past a dangerous man's house, also knock his weapons in the water --
he lives in a house on water. Says he'll have to come out of retirement,
work part of the year some where else -- then here to rest. Watching
someone's house while they are away. Sleeping in their bed -- I find
tailored flannel nightgown, get up, look through six or seven refrigerators
for food. Find three cats in one freezer, try to let them out. I think
they're vicious, they must be defrosted gradually. But the one I grabbed
out melted away under my arm. Many people come in, friends of the owner,
and make themselves at home. I get very uptight, start spanking babies and
saying I hate them, get jealous. I follow man outside and he's looking up
at the full moon. Man, woman, twins. Large horselike thing flying through
stars. Snakes coming around to get warm. I stop outside a mansion to hear
a speech. Speaker tells a joke: we'll give this big dog away to the person
who tastes the best. I go inside during intermission. My sister says,
"can't you go visit your father sometimes, he's 81 and sits there alone."
(he was only 44 in 1975.) I eat jelly beans and watch the speaker pace the
floor. I give him some jelly beans and he puts them in a small dark man's
gas tank. I come to another house where I meet the dwarf, grab him and lift
him off the ground. He tries to stab me. I show him I could kill him if I
chose to and take him upstairs to three youths to guard. Downstairs, a
couple knocks on the door, says, "are you the person who wants to trade a
retarded boy for a mean cat?" The dwarf comes down, acts like a cute little
kid, and they like him. I talk mean to him and they like him even more.
Two girls come down and complain about being sore. The dwarf walked on them
all night -- needs less sleep than people. They take him away. I miss him
a little. The spirits are gentle and kind though boisterous. [Psychic in
Canada Julie, Annie, Lois went to -- "your innermost fears come popping out
of her mouth" love for everybody, an apparition looking in her mirror, a
white hat, a wedding, an apple, do heaven and hell really exist, courage, in
secret, "everything's going to be good now" -- woman jumped up on her
running board as she was leaving, still dependent to momma, privacy is
out-dated, god behind every door.]
[One of my great grandmothers, when they were farming, shot the bull and hid
him in a well because he attacked her son.] I keep thinking of myself as
very old post-adolescence.

turkeys as big as ostriches, ashes on horseback, thin leather leaves.
Standing on the corner waiting, girl dressed in white jeans, thin wiry boy
grabs her and drags her through the streets which is bricks covered with
water. Dirt on her ass/pants. I hide behind a pillar but am weak from
laughing and can't push him away. I have a bike with high handle bars that
coasts uphill, then once it doesn't work -- must keep up momentum. People
camped in the middle of the street with my vacuum cleaner. Riding down
street, man in plaid jacket splits in half to go around something and his
jacket stretches to extend over the gap -- complimentary in color.
5/2/75 I decide to help people who need it, find a girl tied up outside
place where I work -- ask her if anything is wrong. She says, "I've been
stabbed." Guy appears, throwing knives -- taking them out of his shirt one
by one. I get in front of the girl. Last scene, a drain. Woman I baby-sit
for, two kids -- tells me not to come back. I ask why, she says "why do you
think?" I guess three reasons, too messy, too mean? I find out it's
because I'm too young. [First place I applied in 1976 in California the
daycare only hired women over 50 -- better able to handle kids.]

Find four kittens, move them by picking them up and squashing them like nerf
balls. When let them loose, they begin licking themselves, very ruffled up.
Take them to their new home, a hole in the ground. School, go up to balcony
-- say "to Don Six." Men never work unless you make them, it is some
ceremony that starts out with all the grades gathered. Women in my class
hug the kindergarteners, show their tits, one at a time. It is going to be
a prom or dance.

I visit Terri -- married to a rich, older man. They have their own flying
saucer, are on their way to Florida -- visit her house, kids, mother-in-law.
Terri is dressed in a skirt she had in Junior High -- gray circle skirt with
triangular design near the hem. Old woman in marketplace of different
civilization -- a guide. She says, "you think this is a market don't you.
But it is just a wall left here by the Romans. The market is on both sides
of it -- I can see it. Can hear women talking on the other side -- next
time I come -- wall is shorter and I can see over. Push up closer, see
woman. She looks like Muriel, her head is smooth and tanned, bald and she
teaches even if nobody listens.

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