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> 5/18/77 One day after the New Moon. Dream goals
> for this notebook: 1. meet and talk to Ralph 2. make peace with the
> FBI 3. fly, go to holy places 4. find out more about the bull 5.
> be more aggressive 6. learn to run
> 7. art
>
> I sit at a counter, dressed up, waiting to meet an
> "agent". The woman behind the counter asks me about my "hurt hand". I
> think she's mistaken me for someone she knows -- then that she is very
> observant as my hand deos hurt (left). She talks about the look of the
> store on Labor Day. I go out to get in the back of our man's convertible
> and she comes also -- now a girl of about seven. I ask if she's an agent
> and she says yes. We drive off and a tiny baby sized boy who can walk
> slides off teh back of the car. He is going off into the world already.
> He is at a nature trail and I notice goes with the first person he meets.
> Then he leaves her and goes with Melanie. A baby I hold up many times
> trying to determine something. The baby is covered with cloths, beige
> color.
>
> 5/19/77 I am driving in very hilly country through
> an intense snowstorm. Jeannette is holding my vinyl album which gets
> warped from heat and bends in half. I'm riding a bike right by freeway.
> We see a man at the top of one hill. J calls for help but the man says,
> "she's doing okay." He does pull me up -- but I go under my own power.
> She goes to the bathroom in some government building, then I have to go to
> another. I want to leave, go on. Try to flatten out record. The second
> building has a line to the women's room. All the women talk about signing
> up for civil service jobs in a distant city. I say bad idea. J calls me
> a name -- then I mention to her what she's done to my record -- and call
> her a brat. [I got a civil service job in March 82 at the Federal
> Building in Lawndale, CA -- took the civil service exam in Des Moines,
> Iowa in June 78 and Long Beach, CA in September 81.]
>
> Our car at Mom's -- it starts going down the
> driveway by itself and I put my hand on it and follow it -- jump inside if
> necessary. It turns into a horse which is very headstrong and seems mean.
> I look at it closely and its furs are in threes -- silver, purple and
> blue. I say that it isn't old, it's very young and beautiful and it
> becomes docile and can be led to the pasture. Its mane is extremely long
> and silver and very curly. One part is darker underneath -- dark roots.
>
> Steve and I living in a cave. A bear lives there
> also. Our house is two pieces of wood with a three inch thick picture of
> a shark over a hole. Nail top of picture, screw bottom.
>
> Go to a place where Mom and Sandy are -- say I look
> young. I say because no kids. Sandy doesn't look pregnant. They are
> eating chocolate ice cream behind the house -- by raspberrie bushes. Our
> apartment is up in a large building. I see my Aunt Lois and Mike looking
> up and run down. As they walk towards me a lone woman I know reaches me
> first and I walk with her. We window shop -- the latest fashions look
> very thin and unsubstantial. Someone receives a shipment of various
> pieces of white cloth -- different textures, sizes. These are to be dyed
> and made into a variety of styles, clothes.
>
> 5/20/77 I have to go to a hospital for some sort
> of check-up for school. My heart beats too fast. Man makes all the
> arragements, has paper telling things on a clipboard. Go in a gate like
> the garden -- my appointment is at 9 AM. Nice lawns, go in up stairs.
> Man has bags of herbs. I lose the clipboard. Little stream you cross to
> enter, hospital where I was born. I go out the gate to another hospital
> to find surgery, then come back. All this takes time and I'm a half hour
> late to my appointment. There is a nursery downstairs -- little kids
> recognize me, say Hi. Also, you're in good shape, you were really getting
> pudgy there for awhile. There are two boys out by the stream, which
> washes over my papers.
> In a used clothing store looking at prom dresses and
> things -- nothing I like even though I've lost weight. Think about a
> beautiful leather halter with fringe and feathers. See felt chaps that
> another girl is trying on -- take very thin legs.
>
> 5/21/77 3:30 AM A large tidal wave is coming and we
> and another couple run down a road. The tide when it comes is very cold
> and I wonder how long I can cling to the gate and stay above it. I think
> "and I wanted to move closer to the beach." Then I'm with another woman
> -- we are pushing something and stop at a house which has an apartment in
> the basement. I knock on the door and it si the house of a miserly old
> couple. The man is on the phone about some sugar cookies he promised to
> make. Their house is bare but messy. A stove dominates. There is a ramp
> leading to a higher level. Voice says, "no" about staying there. Then we
> are back with the group. Some people find an extremely tough clear
> plastic sheet from another planet (Rudy, kid at Looking Glass preschool
> that can't talk at five years old). Then a very domineering man comes out
> (the head of a family) and says that the first two pages of the book of
> man have been found. They are written on that plastic. It becomes my
> task through the rest of the dream to protect the empty page from him.
> Rudy is dumb and wants to tell that he found it. I lure Rudy and Eric
> (parents run Weinerschnitzel) to a cliff where I consider pushing them
> over. This would easily "solve" the problem. I'm also carrying a baby
> which I could throw over. I decide this wouldn't be right. Then I watch
> Rudy constantly, trying to divert him. My sister is walking her baby by
> the barn and I decide to hide Rudy in the hay for awhile -- we are leaving
> soon. Fortuneately, he would like to do this and I say I'll bring
> food/peanut butter and apples and water for him and he can hide from
> adults. Then at the table, the father begins to read from the first two
> pages. Rudy is beside me, I tell a man I must make him sick to get him
> away. Fortuneately again, he begins grabbing food from Eric -- I foster
> this with sesame seeds -- then grab his arm and "drag" him from the table
> "angrily". Once inside I assure Rudy and Eric that I'm not really angry
> and thank them. They go to play. There is a girl sitting in a chair from
> whom the truth must also be hidden, my sister. At Mom's, the driveway,
> playing in the creek.
>
> 5/22/77 Morning. At school, to get to Baskin and
> Robbins you have to climb up the railing of spiral stairs. Slide down.
> On top of a slide. People are eating on the slide, so have to slide down
> the legs. One leg goes up. I fall asleep and almost fall. Never recover
> equilibrium. Climb out onto leg that is up in the air. Slants like the
> galleries in the Great Pyramid. My sister is holding it up. I swing
> back and forth, tell her to grab my head or left arm. Later I find out
> that I fell and died. Another character is calling her to task. Dad and
> Mom call that they are coming and want deviled eggs. Dad finally arrives
> on the tractor pulling a load of hay. [When Sandy was about seven I
> accidentally pulled her off the roof where Dad was fixing the chimney and
> we were playing up there. As she fell past me on the ladder, which I was
> afraid of heights and rubber legged, she grabbed the ladder but broke both
> arms -- greenstick fracture in one arm and compound in the other.]
>
> Predictions: The president resigns. Carter becomes
> president and orders the arrest and deportation of Chevy Chase -- many
> other comedians.
>
> 5/22/77 Noon. Looking in some water. Some
> creatures swim up. Shirley is there and touches them even though I say
> they're jelly fish and have fatal stings. They look like God's Eyes, now
> there are two. One is very small and begins to expand when I throw
> something through its center. The strings are of various colors. I look
> closer and see little blobs among the strings and think those are the
> jelly fish. One of them swims around, pulsating and growing larger. Then
> it flies up into the air and has chiffon scarves of pure reds, blues and
> greens. Then one of them has a girl in the center who's muscular and tan
> flying the God's Eye like a box kite. She has on these pure colors for
> her clothes. I could have had these scarves but was afraid to ask for
> them at one time. [Mom gave me her chiffon scarves, which were
> yellow-green, red, and blue in very pure colors.] I'm watching a race in
> a pool from above. Keep thinking of falling down there. Finally one of
> the four lanes of contestants wins -- the man says, first on first. The
> other three lanes haven't even finished due to exhaustion. Then we're
> house sitting I think, but they are coming back already. Wet diaper in
> bedroom, crumbs in kitchen, broom is fan shaped, steps are wood. Radio
> has many dials and won't turn off (TV is on in real life.) Go out, man
> and Evan are in car. Evan won't leave (schizophrenic uncle five years
> older than I am). He's afraid of the woods because of drugs growing there
> -- booby traps. Nathan takes a chair off the porch into the trees. I
> walk into the trees by the house. It is beautiful, there are small trees
> turning fall colors.
>
> 5/23/77 I have a major part in a play and learn it
> perfectly. The time comes for the afternoon performance and I don't
> remember a word. Vincent is playing a male role (5 year old, Italian).
> He goes to a part where he rakes hay -- but he really rolls up his hair --
> some is mine and some is black hair. I look at mine, it looks like gold.
> I cry on the shoulder of an adult woman, say, this is what happens when
> you trust me and I can never learn a major role. A group of men,
> fishermen come in and say, take off that white gauzy stuff, we wanna see
> you in tights. Then they say, you wanna go fishin. I watch from aside.
> The girl is very cool, says, sure I like to fish, I'll be ready in half an
> hour. She walks to the door, slim muscular legs. A young boy with curly
> red hair waits there and they leave together. They look about four years
> old. Then I'm in the top floor of a house, looking out the window to the
> beach. I hear a noise and a man is sitting on the steps with a newspaper.
> Through the window a group of fishermen can be seen preparing a
> traditional meal. The same meal is in the room -- fried chicken,
> potatoes, gravy -- made by Grandma and sent over. I wonder if I've
> returned dishes in the past. I have to go to the house next to the
> fishermen to do some chores and ask the man what I should do. He is short
> tempered -- says I'll have to be aggressive -- stand up to them. We leave
> together from Mom's in the car.
> 6:30 AM Vincent's dad (father in law is Hawthorne
> policeman) assists me in hiding my money -- he pokes around in cars, the
> money is in my hand, then the top of my jeans. Man says he winked at him
> with his head. Then he cleans out the refrigerator on the bed -- wet.
> Marsha in the street doing yoga in her blue pajamas. At school, there is
> a celebration being planned with lots of cooking. There is a big pink
> rabbit cake in the refrigerator. I'm in bed writing down dreams. A boy
> wants to borrow my almanac and a thing with a circle at one end and pump
> at the other. Dad and Nathan have invented a cart for taking in firewood.
>
>
> 5/24/77 I'm walking, see plants with blue flowers
> that look like nests. In each is a little bird like the shaman tree. A
> hot rodder approaches. I know he's going to rape me because he's done
> this before. I run up the hill, he catches me at the creek -- looks like
> James West or Kurt Douglas (dimple in chin). At first I resist and then
> decide to "advance towards pleasure" like Patricia Garfield said and he
> loses all energy. We decide to go visit the Nuzoms -- Mom, other woman,
> me. I call to find their number but get their address -- it's either 1976
> or 1376 road in Minnesota. Decide not to go. I try on clothes, dark
> pants with gold braid --some green in plaid. See a little jacket with
> green plaid and gold braid and try them together. It is dark blue in the
> front and gets too baggy with a white belt. My sister says, you've gotten
> smaller. I put a hat in the closet, think I've become a woman with lots
> of clothes of various types. Man won't marry me because I'm not making
> enough money (Joe Daginault was destined for same thing). Time went on,
> finally got cynical in middle age and started going out with other people
> (both of us.)
>
> 5/25/77 On a boat ride. Benji and a man who looks
> like Benji sit on the dash and steer. MaryJane pushes on the gas. We go
> up a river. Other people afraid. Pretty soon I'm the only one at the
> front. Watch out for rocks. MJ stuffs wave shapes with chocolate. Three
> grad students swim in pool. I want to go to the ocean, expect cold --
> small pool across road, warm. Scum on top, filter off.
>
> 5/26/77 no dreams
>
> 5/27/77 Helping Shirley fix her glasses -- sew
> khaki buttons onto each side of the front with fresh thread. Voice,
> tells how to lean over a sink to wash your face safely if you're wearing
> platform shoes -- hand rails. A basement room fixed up very nice.
>
> 5/28/77 early morning. There is a ride -- a chute
> of water down which you can slide, the last section is very steep. After
> going down it you can see things clearly, see more than before, see auras,
> are very joyful and playful. Steve has also done it, I am laughing, plan
> to greet him, it is a girl. Illumination. I think I see Allan K., a very
> steep mountain, talk of climbing it, grass filled depression, land slide.
> Man says he'll take the quickest but most danger. Goes through the worst
> neighborhoods -- this mountain have levels of society living on it. At
> school, basement, three kids to be put in diapers. Man calls, I talk to
> him a long time in stairwell, MJ says to hang up, I only speak in
> half-sentences anyway, he does most of the talking. Garden, I get the
> hoe, it is doing pretty well, considering ineptitude of gardeners.
> Twilight here. MJ talks about good deal she got on uniform. It's olive
> drab bikini with picket fence bottoms. She got them second hand, cheap,
> found them in Dad's basement. I look at them on the playground -- very
> dirty, sleazy, yellow molding. I'm at Hermosa Beach -- looking through a
> table of old stuff. The beach is dark, sunless, lots of people on the
> strand. When I'm ready to leave, I find you must go through a door to
> leave. I go into one office and ask if it's okay to exit here. This door
> is rarely used and I am ready to apologize and go out, but the woman (a
> social worker with teenaged boys) is very friendly and glad to see me.
> She asks for 29 cents payment and to see my membership card -- it is a
> Rosicrucian door.
>
> 5/29/77 Matthew telling me stories about little
> kids in a place where it's only warm when it rains and where the little
> kids eat each other. A singing group has their stuff lost for a year like
> us, I give a recording a drink of water by washing it. At school --
> little black boy is following me because of something I did to him, I
> crawl and run through the balcony. Finally go out, a little black girl is
> leading the boy up to me to make his complaint. They take my hands, we're
> all going in the same direction and they help me walk easier. Grandma
> comes up and accuses me of smoking marajuana -- my defense is "one vice".
> The black kid's complaint is that he didnt' get to smoke cigarettes very
> long. I say he should feel lucky. Living at Mom's -- "our lawn" is the
> side of the house by the mulberry tree shading the outhouse. Someone else
> mowed it. Thin out the daisies and reach to the high places for the
> roses.
>
> 5/30/77 Joye and Gordon come over -- remark on our
> art -- large surreal oil painting but with mechanistic foreground like
> minotaur axe. Lydia comes in and says Ralph is giving some presentation
> at 3 PM. I ride on an amusement ride, no ticket. Bathroom, door won't
> stay shut, bike falls over, I turn out light. Man sits on the toilet and
> a bell comes down and "scrubs his back". He had been sick. I'm sitting
> by the side of the road -- a mattress has to be disposed of -- I say I'll
> take care of it. 7:30 AM (not asleep) An old man, white hair, round
> face, looks at me -- I am a plant with roots exposed and a top that is
> gossamer like roots. He "saw" me. I say, "you really saw me! should I
> cover roots" Steve says it's not as good if you re-cover roots, takes
> longer to grow. [My gardenia died from exposed roots, recovering them
> didn't help.] Steve takes me to work and then goes fishing in a park we
> know well. He catches a whole bunch of different kinds of fish of
> different sizes in a ditch. There is also a rabbit -- catch it and put it
> in a box. There is also a casting of a child -- Steve says Comanche, but
> date is 1958. I do a demonstration of fishing on dry land -- catching a
> large fish. Woman leaves her baby. On a road. There are two middle-aged
> men with machetes -- one Japanese. They cut down trees, which might anger
> the emperor. One cuts a tree that I like by the road, but I look at it
> and now it is very artistic -- has little bunches of leaves in levels and
> the stump is flat like a place to stand overlooking a large river (the
> size for fairies). I sit on the bank of the road reading illustrated
> postcards from Darrell. They are illustrated with antique tiny things --
> some of them miniature birthday cake with a candle. There is the name of
> the store in San Francisco -- Cisco. He has many nice things for
> assemblages. Further up the road -- Pat Dooley and some others, a man and
> woman -- Rhonda is smoking. Pat says, should we move to the bed. I keep
> reading the postcards, which are very complex. There is a whole stack. A
> man appears beside me smiling. [Darrell did send assemblage postcards
> from the Tenderloin where he lived in SF -- and he came to stay when he
> got out of detox shortly before he died.] At Mom's -- only I live there
> now. A young hippie woman comes and asks if I want to go to a cloth sale,
> but I don't want to spend any money. She has a baby and hands it to me,
> she wants a vacation, baby cries for her to come back. I have been
> cooking supper and make the mistake in the dream of cooking in the wash
> pan -- which was used for washing something with piss. The baby has shit
> and it is all over. I start to change the diaper, is going to shit again.
> I take it outside and the outhouse is on its side. I sit it down anyway
> and it shits on a plastic bag that I throw down the hole. Go back to
> house and woman is back already. I wash baby -- now there is a bath tub
> but the water runs out. She says the baby uses the bathroom at home.

> Feb - May 17, 1977 15019 Larch Ave, Lawndale, CA (Los Angeles)
> "Many dreams referring to things that happened in real life -
> sometimes confused - things that really happened to other people
> happened to me in the dream."
>
> Have to cross a great river -- follow people out onto planks then
> find out it doesn't go all the way across. Voice, you've done this
> before, it wasn't so scarey. Trying to return, have to hang onto slope,
> then jump in and swim. Water is cold -- faster moving than looks. There
> is a dam a short ways ahead. Horse sacrifices self to push me out. Climb
> up, sent to Grace's cafe for some reason in a small town. This is a
> trick -- she's a witch hunter or accuser. I try to escape -- carrying as
> many of my books as I can, throw some of the other stuff at her. Then
> went to Paul's -- roll down hill nude. He attempts rape -- I threaten
> him. Barbra Streisand knocks on the door and I take opportunity to fall
> out sliding glass door. All kinds of perils, lots of baby rattlesnakes,
> lions, large hill to climb -- also Paul himself who is very tricky and
> dangerous -- knives, cutting my hands only as I grab the blades. Wall or
> hill at the back of the garden.
>
> Sandy regains her vital rosy color like when she was a little kid.
> Give Dad a bowl of herbs -- he was trying to quit smoking. In the barn,
> the bottom filled with bulls and cows on both sides -- black Angus bulls.
> They are eating hay out of the mangers. Another bull comes into the
> runway and I chase him out. He gets smaller and turns into a man with
> curly hair dancing around. I climb up ladder to the haymow -- there are
> several little kids with me and the floor is very thin and rickety. Wire
> screen has been laid over it in places. I have to sing a phrase -- 100
> women and 10 men. Walking down road, have seen things from a new angle.
> Joe is getting run over by passing cars -- tell him to move back. Get on
> bench on moving car with a man -- walk down road to place where get
> penguin meat. Little red riding hood, blue dress, red cloak. Going down
> Grandma's driveway, antique plates and pitchers. Go by place where little
> house was --Judy built a new house there, no front, like a doll house --
> has furniture, I go inside. Shirley and another girl dressed in brown
> velvet jumpsuits -- for wedding. I find two bracelets and two rings on
> stairs -- both have opals and also blue stones -- a man's and a woman's.
> Man says Dad's hand hurt from nervousness. Go to rummage sales, first one
> in school, second one nice things from the 60's. [Dad was in the Mayo
> Clinic within a week after we got married in 1972 with internal bleeding
> from too much aspirin -- vomiting coffee grounds and he wanted to wait
> until morning, but Jean made him go to emergency and he would have been
> dead by morning. the stress of volunteering to take/pay everyone's dinner
> after the (oldest daugher, first wedding) ceremony might have pushed him
> over the edge on stress he had from organizing the union at work and he
> got an attack of arthritis at 41 in various joints over his body. Col Joe
> May was removed later for using the National Guard plane for personal
> trips to see his girlfriend in Florida -- which the Tarot cards predicted
> when I read them for Dad on an audit trip to the armory in Iowa City. I
> told him not to worry anymore, his enemy was the King of Cups reversed.]
>
> Things going very badly, I feel great agitation from some sort of
> loss -- like separation. Then this loss turns into the disappearance of
> my sister and Mom. J asks why this bothers me and I relate the number of
> days they've been gone and fear that they've been raped and kinapped
> (sic). Then my father dies -- I think about Reverend Humble's prediction
> about three of my relatives dying. Betty Thompson gets taken away, I
> think she walks into the distance and disappears. Then Mom and Sandy show
> up bringing Benji who they'd taken to be castrated, even roughly handling
> the empty testacles -- making them flap in the breeze and bleed. I become
> furious, say that now he'll remain immature. He says something about the
> doctor thinking it was a good idea. Then I'm sitting in the porch looking
> out at the scenery and Jeanette and Gerald come in and she pours orange
> juice concentrate on my jeans and says, "there's my $2." I scoop up some
> and smear it in her face. In a few minutes she's back saying that it's
> the best for our friendship/scripts -- couldn't have survived without this
> incident. I float out the door. [The script we were working on was a
> sit-com about the Puritans -- called 99% Pure.]
>
> Sitting by road, Grandma's, man comes by and has car trouble. I
> think he's trying to pick me up. He asks if there is an open house.
> There's one right across the road behind some trees and raspberries in the
> ditch. My hair is cut. I tell the girl next door that it is by her
> influence that I cut it. [Terri lost weight in high school, didn't look
> that much different.] [when I worked at Sierra Rubber one young
> receptionist blamed everything on the girl next door, like I did on Terri
> and Ralph, my imaginary friend -- Terri really did tell me to throw my
> sister's silver hairbrush down the outhouse.]
>
> Joye decides she doesn't want to live or come out here
> (California). Steve's mom wants to move here but his dad is afraid the
> car will bottom out on Mt Everest. Steve says they gave us their
> screwdriver so they probably couldn't make it. "they wouldn't even have a
> screwdriver." Bruce moves into a fancy highrise at the beach. [Bruce
> moved into an old warehouse in Santa Monica, partitioned into artist
> apartments run by a moody Chinese guy who built a arty two inch by two
> foot wide planter with bluegrass in it and put it outside Bruce's door and
> then let it die. He would tell Bruce his moods were a "Chinese thing" he
> couldn't understand.] Get off bus at library, classes over, I feel free,
> find agates on the floor and pick them up for girl with her boyfriend.
> Go by large mansion inherited by young artists, large windows, open
> shelves for paper and lot of clothes stuffed in closet -- not attractive.
> Another part of the house connected by a narrow walkway with wax museum -
> figures move -- one a bride and groom, two old ladies. A second part to
> this museum -- servants. Talk about how to do it. I say they wait until
> they're dead, don't they. Person doesn't answer that, says that some
> people describe it as people who die and come back. Middle aged blond
> woman says Bruce's art is no good, but she says she doesn't know when
> she's projecting. I walk up to her and put my face in hers and say, and
> talking to young men. [Bruce (assemblagist) said my assemblages were
> merely pretty and had no substance.] Stomach surrounded by O6 zeams.
> Film making company comes to Dad's, I have a part which entails polka dot
> pajamas. At Mom's house, somehow I split my face into two by means of
> dividing the hair between the necks and decide to take pictures of the
> two faces. However, I need help to do this, get confused about the
> technique.
>
> Talking to Cinda -- mouse broke pipe on New Years -- Rota Rooter
> coming in box, no body bag (garbage). Taking care of kids, parents come
> but leave right away. We fry things in pans on table that heats up. Box
> of glasses, water glasses that ring and sparkle. Turn colors, mainly
> blue, gray. Mom says she might get them as a gift later. Woman on TV
> beautiful -- 115 pounds, then fat older woman. Scales fall out of TV and
> I get on -- 130 pounds, TV says, this is fat. Nice secondhand clothes
> being sold at high prices at a high school, out on the roof, there is
> furniture. Linda Arnold and dad are there. [Mr. Arnold hired me to work
> at Pioneer corn company in high school. Linda walked just like him and
> was thin, her mom was a fat little beautitian -- had a chair in their
> porch in their house.] The earth is ancient, so it has been used over and
> over -- has writing in pieces of earth. I quickly carve something to
> pacify J -- has flecks of green in it like her eyes.
>
> In bus, I cry. War taking little kids POW -- divide them up into
> ethnic or lingo. Black people at Mom's -- she is reading Alice in
> Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass. Outside, she peels corn to look
> at it, calves are sleek and shining. Shirley has blouse unbuttoned,
> breasts small, not big like real. She has a baby boy and is brest
> feeding, says milk is yellow, creamy. I walk down a college street to
> check traffic, leave my art book. Run for blocks -- three women with very
> muscular legs running ahead of me. I get a scrape on my foot. Later at
> Mom's, walk through mud, scrape has turned brown and looks more like a
> birthmark. My voice is stronger, J says she doesn't hear any difference
> [J says my script is no good.] Steve just comes home to get his coat --
> going to a party, comes home, talking on phone, I leave. Put flour in a
> large bottle under a light to keep it fresh [I went on a diet and ate only
> a bowl of oranges one day and salad every other day.] House with window
> in roof, barbwire across sidewalk, teachers figuring out pantomime
> routines. They cut your body and change your teacher. At school holding
> Ana, make a magic circle around her, very tired, naptime over, people all
> come at once after their kids. Bert's (3) dad complaining about two
> monkey's on his back, in trucking business [I asked if his wife was
> pregnant again, she was, Bert was sent to military school.] Then driving
> around a curve in Iowa City, lots of bicycles, two women in white make-up,
> then some in bikinis -- pantomime class. they apologize for getting in
> the way and Betty gives a lectue on driving. Get in car and I drive
> uphill, then change my mind and back downhill and go down lane to farm --
>

> say, do you want to get out or come with me. Car won't stop, I say, see
> it won't stop when you're dreaming. We're on a long stretch of dirt road
> with dirty brown water at the end. I throw my high heeled sandals on the
> water and then rescue them as they sink -- seven drift away. Dark haired
> woman helps me, says, is water deep -- sometimes it looks deep and
> sometimes it doesn't, gives me a little box of pretty rocks and buttons
> she's collected off the shore. I start off again, tell the woman we're
> going back to try the hill but then notice off at the left a ritual set up
> for the female religion -- white branches of a plant. I ask if sage, she
> says, no shadow -- it must be right then. We need the pyramid which I
> have nearby and start to set it up over the table at which there will be
> eight people. We need legs but can only find three. A man is helping but
> is rather short and brisk commenting -- but holds one of the legs.
> Examiner tells women to enter office, has to pick three people. Man and I
> on bus, get off -- we have to work together on something. We move to
> California and then right back to Iowa, better trailer on the ocean.
> Windows all around and ocean breaks right in door. Live there with Mom,
> two sisters (without swords) and a young crazyish guy. Mom decides one
> has to go -- crazy guy. I say, why not me? He says he'd like a place
> with warm water anyway. Ask if she wants help with bills. She wants a
> gold shower curtain, rug and bathrobe. She is large and heavy set, people
> come by eating TV dinner cakes. Driving/walking downtown with my sister.
> J is there in a full-length fur coat. We find out some people are
> Rosicrucians. I end up doing the dishes, they all go upstairs. There is
> a fine of $90 each for laughing in sanctum. Others had party there --
> cake decorated like a desert. I practice going through town followed by
> siblings. Man goes to pay the fine, man with three boys eat lunch on the
> stairs and laugh at me. turquoise rings for sale. Car parked in front of
> Gabe and Walkers -- jeep that has been driven until tires disintegrated.
> [Mom told me in 1978 that my brother was acting crazy, she told me to
> watch out for blond men, they're crazy.]
>
> Walking around, see demonstration of boulder falling, first
> speculate which way -- then it actually falls, but bounces around all the
> way up a cliff then down into a valley. In the valley are a woman and boy
> -- the boulder becomes a giant blond snake which reaches down and eats a
> rabbit, then scoops five owls out of the air (guide says maybe he'll give
> them to us). Then opens mouth wide and eats a flock of birds. Snake
> becomes larger and larger, then birds begin flying out the other end --
> snake becomes a large tube. Go to building with burn your draft card
> notices on it. Then go into house where Frank Zappa and another couple
> live. Upstairs are a couple in bed, they are feuding with about the dishes
> and toilet -- they wash them in the toilet. They tell me to sit down, but
> I look around. Cinnamon red hots lollipop. I look around, front porch
> has plants in sun. Olav and man come, I frighten them off -- put on
> leather pants with tassel. On other porch see ocean, huge waves and
> smaller ones. A blond woman I'm drawing suddenly gets twice as tall
> (stands up) and is a giant blond man with a bear chest. At Dad's, look at
> poems which have a jar of white pistachios in water. The first one is no
> good -- very thick book of them -- lots of things germinating in glases of
> water. Come out of drawing class and it becomes apparent that they people
> draw in the nude. Terri and I at classes, upholstery, measure the pieces,
> see lots of skinny women, see their Christmas cards. I'm taking a
> class, sitting cross legged on a stool, some science majors there and we
> talk about astronomy, physics, oceanography -- lively discussion.
>
> Kids spill crayons all over ground, which is gravel and turns to
> ice. Streaks of light go to Russia -- a little house, person won't open
> door. Furry man stabbed in chest with knife. "Just what I want on the
> front of my 40 Ford." Going on a pilgrimage with another woman and a
> little girl (carry her.) Chew banana and my legs turn to chewed bananas.
> We only have ten more minutes, leave from school. Little girl says she
> knows where spring is -- but she doesn't. "Go straight" she says -- we
> end up on an ancient golf course, ancient tractor. The Armenian machines,
> between them they ran the defending machines into the ground. Kid's song
> -- something about men, you sing and things happen in your life -- vitamin
> B sticks to your chin/ face, miniature men stick to your face. Grandma
> acts like she doesn't know me, has a white sports car. On pilgrimage --
> little kids keep getting in my way. Ski village, woman dressed in green,
> thirty billion and one million. Dreams written down, very detailed
> conversations that I hadn't seen. Talking to man with heart trouble -- he
> says he knows he has to make his heart beat faster -- acted like fish.
> Little glowing points of color. Sissy, someone pushes me up -- face to
> face with her and says, you're a Sissy aren't you? I think they mean I
> look like Sissy Spacek. I say redheads used to be sacrificed so there
> weren't any. Then trying to get into classes, two are Chinese writers and
> Blake. Later there's a rainstorm and we're sitting in a row under our
> coats. Sissy comes back and gets under my coat, then woman's next to
> mine, which is plastic, as is her dress. [Grandpa got a pacemaker and
> then colon cancer after getting a new battery, died about 1992 at around
> age 85, now Grandma is 85 and she can barely remember her kids, no one
> else.]
>
> I go to a place, is Van Meter school. Look around, new gym is very
> lumpy small open to air on one side. Play basketball with a radish for
> the ball. J comes in and talks about feminism -- feminist party
> downstairs. Someone called a cop a pig and got arrested -- Governor
> Street. There are all kinds of farm machinery in a row (I drive and pick
> road). John Tinker picks a machine and suggests I make bread. Man begins
> making blue brownies with blue chips. J comes up and cries and says
> that's why she hates beauty and will I let her into the poetry world.
> Something is wrong with scripts -- she has withdrawn them from the agent.
> getting gas in bikini, red skin, sunburned. New kid, book about
> Christmas. Sheep and goat, goat can run faster, but sheep is tricky and
> gets away (also dog but it disappears after awhile). Finally the goat
> catches the sheep, but becomes a man -- catches the sheep by the hind legs
> in one hand, now looks more like a small rabbit, and shoots her in the
> head. Plant dies from being put in cupboard. Steve and I go to a
> restaurant where his sister is the cook, makes dish like wheat berries
> wrapped in square of spaghetti. Native women dancing while they beat up
> man, they are in a row, first two do the beating. He is a person on whom
> they projected animus. I fuck a black guy several times. School, I clean
> a lot, kids wild, lots of teachers, MJ has a boat and says we could take
> them out on the ocean. Arrange books by color, three yellow, three green
> -- decide to read them on yellow or green days.
>
> I'm in a forest. A mother deer goes off to eat and leaves its baby
> -- she jumps into a cornfield. The baby turns into a monkeylike thing
> which I gain the confidence of -- it eats out of my hand. I take a
> picture of it and it turns into Shawna, turns into me as a kid. Waiting
> at corner, see four little kids on tricycles waiting to get onto a busy
> highway. I decide to take over the job of the bus driver (he isn't there)
> to take them home. I stop at the first house and the woman tells Mom that
> the school board doesn't like something she's done and she should have
> quit. The vehicle changes to a bicycle with wagon, we are living in a
> room with roll-up garage doors on two sides -- there are papers,
> magazines, bank book, glasses in the wagon.
>
> Art class, fat woman teaches -- do busts of Nefertiti. Music
> playing, I dance in hall. [Bruce did a series of Nefertiti assemblages,
> repainting their headdresses to modern fabrics -- show in the museum in
> German where the original is owned in 2000.] Camp, lots of women here.
> Two men, one tells the other to pretend it's cold, then puts handcuffs on
> him and tells him to be quiet for a certain time. Also has gun, but
> breaks it up. Powerful guy who has men working for him, their feet have
> dehydrated into flat flaps. He's stolen their homes from them. One from
> Kansas, the Indies. Next he marries a woman and brings her there with
> another woman who advises her. He says that he's going to another country
> soon -- alone on a trip. One of the men, a doctor, says that he's
> leaving, when he says that the others' feet puff out again. Guy says,
> wait a minute, you can't do without me -- half of your patients would have
> died. Walking up hill behind Mom's house, a huge brown lion on top of the
> hill. It bounds up to me. I drop to the ground, wonder what to do --
> feel I should grab hold of it, but I say a mantra and it runs away. At
> school, MJ's husband comes, he's a short, stocky dark guy (really sandy
> hair, partner in a law firm). someone says that "Jim" kicks the most about
> paying my salary. MJ says she's been reading something bout Free Will.
> On hillside at Van Meter -- loan tent to two boyscouts, when they give it
> back, only the front left side is left, the rest of the tent pieces are
> assembled nearby. MJ helps me remove it.
>
> The old neighbors have moved to California too. Two red cars have
> run into each other. We walk up a steep mountain, I feel tired, but can
> climb. Lots of things in car in paper bags, Ana, Dee and Justin come
> along, they are covered with May flies and show me. [At a basketball
> summer league in the 80's at Loyola University, I felt so tired I could
> barely walk up to a seat in the bleachers, felt like the life had drained
> out of me -- later a basketball player died right on that spot.] Walking
> towards Mom's -- I stop to look at some bachelor's buttons/double chicory
> and a black snake/white stomach crawls into my shoe/thong. I walk on it
> lightly (I think) for awhile, but when I take it out, it's smashed. A
> young guy comes along, then a middle aged woman with a gun who tells us to
> take off our clothes and drive her somewhere, then she wants money. Guy
> is hiding his. I hide $5. In his truck, which is sitting there, there
> seems to be a lot of money under the floor mat. I drive oof through deep
> snow to look for the town marshal. The girl's dorm overlooks the pool and
> an amusement park. Cheryl Clark complains because the three mattresses
> she gave me I gave away when I moved. I tell her she can have a 3/4 one
> someone gave me. She says she's decided to go straight, go to college and
> really study. [Cheryl had a terrible time getting pregnant and then her
> daughter committed suicide at about 20.]
>
> Devin (cerebral palsy, used to tug on his penis when frustrated -- 4
> years old, redhead) and Scott (can't walk, can't talk) driving me crazy in
> study hall. I take them into hall for walk, see Jim Rinard, he calls me
> Dorothy. Then by office, Judy or Sharon Rinard -- ask them about
> something escapist. [All in high school when I was in kindergarten.]
> Then I have to go to work, later go to school, pleading temporary
> insanity. MJ pulling up hearts on calendar (parents' visit). I strangle
> her -- smrt remark about bus. One kid had to have eight stitches, whole
> head. Locked in at school -- Betty locking front but not back. Judy
> pulling fast one to get Grandma a fancy house, others say she'll be
> caretaker. [Army Corp of Engineers confiscated Grandma's farm to build a
> dam on. Judy has ended up with Grandma -- in her own apartment, her two
> sons couldn't handle her anymore.] Dad fixing the exhaust of a car. I
> pick boysenberries off the bushes along there and give to each person
> who's there. [Bataan Death March, Filipina pregnant women offering food
> to the marching soldiers had her baby ripped out with a bayonet by
> Japanese guard.] Sandy kisses my face all over very fast and I say I hate
> her. She stole lots of my things, some given to her. Try to get her to
> say she hates me also, but she shrinks away from saying it. Go home, Dad
> had all the buildings re-painted, yard fixed, tools all sold. [Dad and
> Jean lifted house and put in new basement in 1978, sold the house and had
> an auction for the other stuff like tools, moved into an RV later in the
> 1990s.] Go to Mom's old farm -- [we called "the 40" (acres) -- Dad's farm
> had 100 acres, they each took one farm in the divorce.] Mom is fixing the
> 40 too. Very large rooms that were Sandy's and mine, Sandy's she is
> turning into a boudoir and mine into a place to grow incense. Sandy's is
> bigger, has a mirror at one end, I look beautiful in the mirror. Mine has
> nice built in shelves along one whole wall where they are storing scenery
> for plays they are going to do. [Sandy and Gary tore down the old house
> and built a log cabin from a kit in the late-80's.] There is a mother cat
> and four dying kittens in there, it connects to Sandy's room with screen
> between. The kittens are orange. In another dream of cats it said that
> cats and closets don't mix -- the cats shit on the shelves and make holes
> for rats to come in -- one thing cats and rats have in common, they make
> holes. Go back to Sandy's room, now it has shelves too, but larger and
> brown. She says that she hated the mirror and slept on the shelves before
> she got a bed -- also some little boys. Shirley asks about some kind of
> bath. Sandy is going on a trip far away on a boat. Picture, person
> sitting on one chair with an advisor sitting on another chair across,
> flanked by a big sneaky man and a sneaky woman you can barely see. Oh
> those fashions, I hear cokes and noises and fashions all day. Invisible
> friend and Peachie the cat makes holes for rats. I hear bright laughter
> blossoming in the stairway. Archaeology trip with Paul and a woman.
> Taking care of kid whose parents never come home. Steve backs down road.
> Steve and I are walking along highway 90. We each have a bag of dope,
> very large, which we try to hide under our jackets. We have backpacks.
> We are going to Dad's, turn on Grandma's road just as it begins snowing
> very hard. The first hill is the North road, straight up -- very steep.
> I begin climbing it, the snow is heavy and wet and you cna get footholds,
> but look up and decide to walk up on six to the other road. Bryan
> Jennings appears with a red Volkswagon, the back wheels have been spun
> until the tires are completely worn off. We try to decide which way they
> spin naturally. It is the opposite ways for Steve and I -- me forwards,
> Steve backwards. Steve becomes Sandy. I'm taller, go first when trying
> things.
> 3/5/77 My sisters planting a garden in a shed at Grandma's --
> using sand. Sand snakes letter. Call me Tennessee ruled in or out.
> There is a notice on the door, sand from Des Moines is not fertile, no
> good for growing plants. Go to bathroom, all dressed up to go meet lawyer
> with three page thing -- something to do with scripts. Floor turns to
> straw, very large furry spiders appear, then lots of small thin snakes.
> You can't move without stepping on them. I have large boots like I used
> on the farm for walking through mud and manure, so I'm not afraid.
>
> Betty/Lori Nuzom talks to librarian/police about my library card
> which she borrowed and returned to police. Police had to take it back to
> library, so fine her fifty cents. She argues. Had to use mine because
> she's too undependable about reading and taking them back. Then I go back
> into bathroom and begin eating the fringe from a black chiffon dress --
> then decide I can't swallow it. ride in blue van, 125 miles per hour, me
> and three Jesus freaks. See guy in red golf-cart kind of thing pulling
> two wagons and a load of hay. Two manniquins, black clothes, wigs,
> plastic faces. He said they probably have red hair. Stopped by police,
> woman searches for crumbs. Go for walk, Iowa, go through school, row of
> phone booths. See huge books in a field -- called "briefs" -- get in the
> way of baseball. Then a croquet field, I eat my ball. Allan
> Manning/Kornblum, yellow ball, Mary Ann Radke, orange ball. Mine rolls by
> itself, black ball. Start neat science experiment, men also in room, I
> turn on the light.
>
> Get off an elevator on womens' clothes floor, look around. Leave,
> closing, and notice I have on a white dress with pink flowers, very
> flowing chiffon, look fat or pregnant -- take it back. Have to change in
> room with stalls, with officers that were veterans, Vietnam ones are all
> shot up, some on leashes. I decide to go out back and change. Orange
> chiffon dress, much too small, shrank; man in orange shirt chases me. I
> lie down on ground, make myself look like dirt -- shimmer when I know I've
> done it. Crawl through very small tunnel, pushing with feet. Car comes,
> I hide in bushes. Steve driving Mom's green truck. [When Sandy was 5 and
> I was 7 Mom sent us walking three miles to Van Meter to vacation Bible
> school. She said to hide in the ditch if a car came. We did that, but
> the car stopped -- old 50's car. The young woman (young guy driving) said
> she was from the church and I walked up to the car to asked if she had a
> cane -- Mrs. Jennings had polio and walked with a cane, she said she was
> the other teacher; Sandy screamed and ran. She asked me if Sandy had
> anything wrong with her and if Mom would miss her. Sandy needed thick
> glasses as soon as she started school and developed hard of hearing. I
> remember telling the woman she was blind and deaf and she said, where are
> her glasses. I said she forgot them.]
>
> Dad, kids (what I called my siblings) come to Iowa City to visit. I
> wait on corner -- 3:00. Bank clock says 5-6. Sandy says I'll have to
> iron a shirt and then they'll start right back. I run away, over
> unfinished building. Dad catches up with me and talks nice. [1978, I am
> picked up by paramedics on the beach and won't talk or open my eyes, so
> they take me to the hospital where some young kid and security guard do
> the "pain test" on my sternum. When I open my eyes, the clock says 3 PM,
> but the psychiatrist calls Steve's work (I can't remember year, month, day
> or president -- but I work at a daycare, but I remember his phone number
> at work or the name of the place) and it's closed. The clock was stopped
> at 3 PM but it was 6 PM.] Visit Sandy, her cupboard full of sugar candy.
> She is selling something, or this is J with phone bill. Mom's house, a
> guy with an Italian accent (looks like Grandpa, he had slicked back black
> hair like an Italian, but he was Irish). I keep watching the clock --
> it's midnight. The phone rings, it's Sandy's/J's agent, she's sold
> something, has to sign, later maybe will go on tour. [Mom said grandpa
> molested the boys and the girls.]
>
> With some artist men, they get ahead of me. I try to run across
> street but carloads of macho men make me wait while they go first. I hear
> them calling me a kid, something about ugly. I feel like crying, go home.
> Moving again, packing stuff from Dad's to move back to Mom's, feel sad.
> Grandma asks about the shawl she made me. I tell her I save it for good
> [doctor said she had breast cancer in her 60s and cut them both off,
> slowest growing tumor he'd seen in 15 years, he said, so I'm afraid I'll
> get her cancer germs, plus I'm allergic to polyester now.] First time fun,
> lots accomplished. Going for the second time to 164th street where J and
> her dad wait, we are practicing something.
>
> Girl named Sheila White (dark hair) comes over with bill for $74
> delivered to her for a charge at a science convention; food, entry, some
> purchase. She leaves, little girl with her, wearing white cotton pants,
> carrying her mother's blue jeans with embroidery on them. Her
> husband/father (old) is outside in his old 50's blue truck. He says, "I'm
> glad all of us don't have to live like this in this age." Then he
> mentions some minor bad housekeeping. It was raining when they went out,
> next dream the rivers are up. I'm walking, go across a silver bridge --
> the river is perfectly flat and only a foot or two below the bridge. A
> voice says, no. On the other side it's now dark and a carful of black
> guys yell at me. I scream and they jump into the back seat and throw out
> sand. I'm very tired by the time I get there, can hardly walk. [John
> Keel wrote a book, Mothman, about a Silver Bridge between W Virginia and
> Ohio. There were mysterious phone calls that told him about a disaster,
> Christmas presents floating in a river, and then the bridge collapsed
> during rush hour Christmas Eve and presents were floating in the Ohio
> River. A giant moth man with red eyes flew over people's cars.]
>
> I call Bruce, but I do all the talking and don't know if anyone is
> there -- tell funny stories. Food I started -- milk and eggs in a bowl,
> at place where I went to meet J, I could have driven instead of walking.
> At an art gallery, go out on deck over water, throw piece of apple, woman
> comments, "too hard."
>
> Go to Margaret's -- outside on hillside, she is moving, has a
> rapidograph and something else for sale, I buy them. She says they were
> on the sensor/censor. I walk a long ways to a beautiful old house where
> Margaret lives in the attic. One half of the house is owned by her aunt
> and is furnished with antiques. In Margaret's part, she talks about
> copying recipes. She is getting married to a wealthy career man and
> moving to West Los Angeles. I walk into a room where Steve is talking to
> a whole row of young boys about philosophy to tell him that I will be up
> on the roof washing dishes alone. The scene is beautiful -
> plants/outdoors. A tall woman with dark hair begins to complain very fast
> because I was flirting with her boyfriend while we were eating. I tell
> her to slow down, I can't hear her and hug her, apologize, she has a
> hard-on, is a man. Asks, how do you feel about me now. I laugh and say,
> no. [Margaret's mom was a CPA and bought her two daughters a farm for
> $25,000 -- Greg moved in and a lot of others who planted trees along the
> freeway, vegetarians. they had goats. Margaret quit Dumdum and started
> the Free Lunch restaurant, serving soup and homemade bread, in a Catholic
> church, it was a coop too -- you could work or pay. Margaret told me
> several dreams -- Greg was a vampire and she had to put a stake in his
> chest (stake between them), her mom and grandmother sinking into mud ahead
> of her as she pushed them in a wheelchair, and about her three imaginary
> ducks when she was a kid and would cry if her mom shut the door before
> they all got in.]
>
> We have our own toilet bureau instead of water bureau. Thinking
> about having sensor instead of refrigerator. [2000 -- LA politicians
> talking about using recycled toilet water for drinking water everywhere in
> LA except the rich cities like Beverly Hills.]
>
> Go to a doctor with lots of other girls. We have to go to the
> bathroom first, in front of everyone. I do so, and then go into a private
> one. A boy comes into the next stall and says, "why do you have all these
> girls here, doc?" In the third one, a girl lies -- maybe dead, people try
> to pick her up. I go and sit on the blanket, there were slides while I
> was in the bathroom. I have my diaphram in. Sprouting jar, large holes
> for water to come out. Talk about how good they are for you.
>
> Dots, dots turn into spider on large white-haired woman's neck. She
> sits up and says, I can't teach people who don't care about people.
> Little girl told she'll go with the one's (one year olds). She's in the
> supply closet. Jackie finds her, opens door.
>
> Chuck Miller threatening to kill Jon Sjoberg. I talk him into
> running in woods. We were going on walk, but I couldn't find shoes.
> Reach place where we frighten cow -- in house. Another old mansion is
> about to be joined to the first building. Children playing, old clothes.
> Dad says woman says they're reorganizing the guard and lots of 45 year
> olds may have to go, he says she will also go. [Two malls joined at Del
> Amo -- marriage of the malls. Dad got involuntary retirement age 52, from
> the Iowa National Guard (technition) April 30, 1983 and I was hired by the
> Air Force the next day, May 1, 1983, but I didn't know it until later.
> He couldn't drill anymore because of fhe arthritis. Grandpa also quit his
> job in his 50's as supervisor at Pittsburgh Des Moines Steel (pipe
> cutting) because of gallbladder attack.]
>
> Woman saying she'll do Steve's poetry book but she'll pick the poems
> and categories. Steve and I moving from trailer, boat springs leak, needs
> shock. Bob and Shelley there, I get left, water very fast. I follow for
> awhile with two year old boy, but get chased back by the water.

Feb - May 1977 continued

Steve in place, comes back and says they saw Jesus. He was with God but when someone came up he didn't expect worship. God was just a Chinese guy. This seriously changes things for the world. In motel writing a card, voice says, "don't waste time on vacation writing long letters". Card and package from Jean, wet dough stuff on ice cream sticks, card signed, "civilly." See Steve's aura, there's a black smudge and pale streaks of pink coming out of his head. We plan to take the bus part way, but something goes wrong and now we have to drive. Swimming, pulled into dam, but just a water fall -- another one downstream, I swim to shore. In Iowa at a gas station, Jon, Pat, woman have steaks. I sing to kids [I'm tone deaf, almost never sing except occasionally in my head.] The way for me to be funny is to wear a mask. 3/4 size mattress J has -- she got it from her mother.

Darkness At Noon - going out for lunch at a job, noon, it is already as dark as night. I wonder if the earthquake will be that night. J and I talking about what work to do on Thursday, what to do if it rains. We are standing at a crossroads where a road ends in a T. A little boy points out some cars coming very fast -- J is sitting in our car, she had been in an accident recently in the dream, off the road. The cars go straight, I try to dodge the flying cars, see one hit ours from the rear. Miraculously, none hit me. I go around seeing if people are okay. In one car is a large number of immigrant looking people. They say they're okay and drive off, the driver's head is leaning back at a 90 degree angle though, he looks seriously hurt. In another car is a woman with three newborn babies. One is dead, she seems cheerful, says, "this one looks the best." Nurse comes and touches it with gloves on and its flesh peels off a little like cooked chicken. Jeannette is now a blond with a tube top, very muscular, she says she's okay, is doing pirouettes, two men watching her. At Linda Arnold's house,gathering up stuff to leave. Their house has become a mess. See old woman who helped Mary outside door, gardening large field area of wet adobe (raining). In a house, a fat man (Mack from Mary Hartman) comes in. I sneak around, he hears. I jump out and say "boo".
[LInda Arnold had a slumber party in about our sophomore year of high school and invited all the girls in the class. Her mom ran a one chair beauty parlor in their porch. They had a ouija board at the party and Terri told me that she pushed the planchette to make it say that Linda was going to have 13 kids. She told me it had said for me to watch for a man whose name began or ended with "E" and that I was going to have either zero or a lot of kids -- most men's names end with e -- Joey, Johnnie, Markie, Mikey, Rickie, etc.-- ouiji boards kid around with you.]

A large new mansion, run by women and some men -- all living there. Girl upstairs who keeps the lights from working. She says the fuse box is too dirty, complicated -- had an Arab guy look at it. She's in Shirley's room. Mom throws her rocking chair downstairs, it has shirts nailed onto the arms. I start to pick it up and fix it but a man in the next room says he could scare her with a dirty book about a ghost and now I'm afraid to go in there. Two teams, UCLA, USC -- one has a woman and they win. I'm walking to the beach, have to cross the landing field of the airport. A part of a garden -- woman carrying it away because it's done. I don't think so, would have kept work

Feb - May 1977 continued

Steve in place, comes back and says they saw Jesus. He was with God but when someone came up he didn't expect worship. God was just a Chinese guy. This seriously changes things for the world. In motel writing a card, voice says, "don't waste time on vacation writing long letters". Card and package from Jean, wet dough stuff on ice cream sticks, card signed, "civilly." See Steve's aura, there's a black smudge and pale streaks of pink coming out of his head. We plan to take the bus part way, but something goes wrong and now we have to drive. Swimming, pulled into dam, but just a water fall -- another one downstream, I swim to shore. In Iowa at a gas station, Jon, Pat, woman have steaks. I sing to kids [I'm tone deaf, almost never sing except occasionally in my head.] The way for me to be funny is to wear a mask. 3/4 size mattress J has -- she got it from her mother.

Darkness At Noon - going out for lunch at a job, noon, it is already as dark as night. I wonder if the earthquake will be that night. J and I talking about what work to do on Thursday, what to do if it rains. We are standing at a crossroads where a road ends in a T. A little boy points out some cars coming very fast -- J is sitting in our car, she had been in an accident recently in the dream, off the road. The cars go straight, I try to dodge the flying cars, see one hit ours from the rear. Miraculously, none hit me. I go around seeing if people are okay. In one car is a large number of immigrant looking people. They say they're okay and drive off, the driver's head is leaning back at a 90 degree angle though, he looks seriously hurt. In another car is a woman with three newborn babies. One is dead, she seems cheerful, says, "this one looks the best." Nurse comes and touches it with gloves on and its flesh peels off a little like cooked chicken. Jeannette is now a blond with a tube top, very muscular, she says she's okay, is doing pirouettes, two men watching her. At Linda Arnold's house,gathering up stuff to leave. Their house has become a mess. See old woman who helped Mary outside door, gardening large field area of wet adobe (raining). In a house, a fat man (Mack from Mary Hartman) comes in. I sneak around, he hears. I jump out and say "boo".
[LInda Arnold had a slumber party in about our sophomore year of high school and invited all the girls in the class. Her mom ran a one chair beauty parlor in their porch. They had a ouija board at the party and Terri told me that she pushed the planchette to make it say that Linda was going to have 13 kids. She told me it had said for me to watch for a man whose name began or ended with "E" and that I was going to have either zero or a lot of kids -- most men's names end with e -- Joey, Johnnie, Markie, Mikey, Rickie, etc.-- ouiji boards kid around with you.]

A large new mansion, run by women and some men -- all living there. Girl upstairs who keeps the lights from working. She says the fuse box is too dirty, complicated -- had an Arab guy look at it. She's in Shirley's room. Mom throws her rocking chair downstairs, it has shirts nailed onto the arms. I start to pick it up and fix it but a man in the next room says he could scare her with a dirty book about a ghost and now I'm afraid to go in there. Two teams, UCLA, USC -- one has a woman and they win. I'm walking to the beach, have to cross the landing field of the airport. A part of a garden -- woman carrying it away because it's done. I don't think so, would have kept working on it. Light on it, old guy not taken hostage. Buses all either off duty or have miscarriages in them. Hitler very good, joking, photographic. Lose the car in Iowa City, woman take me in van (also family) down mountain. Then walking through rocks, lots of spiders "they try to grab you," the women ahead say. In a canyon that could have a flash flood. Marcia Rehbein tries to catch an unusual one by a fan or propeller using a monkey from a cage. At family reunion, people come in while I'm having sex and I get up an start making pizza. A large dam, I've just come out of a building that has plains or meadows for floor -- one a tunnel. Nathan's job for summer is to take care of it. Grandpa and another man come up to congratulate me on my writing but grab my underpants. Grandma wears short shorts and a vest, no blouse. Trying to buy presents for Royal (Judy's son I babysat for the summer when I was 15 and lived with them) -- kid of aristocrats. He wants a sketch pad and foreign food but they are all messed up, food in flower pot, long lines.
Voice, "you don't do this when you use the diaphram." Criminal element assigned to hold flower plants.

I decide to kill Mom and do so when two men leave the room (cut throat). She picked on me, fertilizer for garden, thought it would improve things. Cook her on stove. He comes back and it wasn't a good idea. Gradually what I've done sinks in -- feelings for mother, the person who gave you life. I cry, say, "all I did was." Then the person I killed is Bob Bassett, the neighbor's kid, but he didn't die -- he is on a mattress for a long time and then he recovers and starts to leave looking back at me. I go after him and kiss him, he kisses me and is happy thinking I'm going with him. I tell him that I tried to kill him and does he understand we can't be together. He lies on a couch delirius, I catch a few words -- one ugly, no one else will want her. I ask it that's why he liked me? He says, "no, I am the most beautiful person he loved."

People hurry too much because of the second hand. J says script people called and they want samples, she bought pink, blue white broadcloth. But it is orange, yellow, green. Thin beautiful women. Swimming pool with warm water -- MJ lives next door, has waterfalls. I keep getting up there to go swimming, but don't. Water, can see cross section in diving, so go alot deeper than when think just about surface.

I drive down a long wet driveway with large rocks -- I drive slowly. At bottom, find out there's a wedding and start dragging a large white cat up a ladder, up a hill. It scratches, but I persist. I lock it in the room where the wedding will be and lock it in. Then an old lady comes -- it's her cat and I feel guilty -- the cat is prowling around distraught in the room. It changes from white to black. I open the door to let it go -- but now it's on the offensive. I decide to kill it, now there are two, a black and a white. I hold them both down and step on their throats and think about smashing their heads with my wooden shoes. They both appear dead -- they have exchanged colors except that the white one is faint orange and they each have streaks of the other's colors -- the black one from the mouth. Sandy comes out and holds the black one and says it's still breathing -- she's happy. I take it and it stretches its neck out over the sink, so I cut it and blood and water rushes out for a long time. Then both cats really are dead and I put them in a sack to throw away, they stink.

Go to lunch room with my two sisters, or fresh fruit with whipped cream. I want white grapes -- guy smashes mixture of wild purple grapes and white ones. I have no money, call to kids. They say they have none, Sandy finally brings me nickel and some pennies. After all that, guy says, "no charge." Go home through a cornfield and families playing a complicated airball game of cooperation. Get there, Mom and girls are in bed, they went on a junk food binge. Oven is still on, I take out pans - which are empty, and I complain. Oven on all night, but cookies still not done [oven in Larch house stopped working]. voice says, "good" -- oven won't turn off, I fear. Some questions whether possible. Little kid comes in and says, guess what in hand? It's a tiny baby mouse -- brown. I open the basement door to see where found it -- points out board in handrail. Cat come -- the mother is white with a yellow head and makes a daring rescue of the baby. The cats attempt to catch the mice, but the mice are extremely quick and intelligent -- although the cats are also extremely quick and intelligent. There are more, both colors. Children's book -- a person sees an old house, very over-grown and weedy and sees potential in it. Dad driving truck, my brother, half brother and I in back with a hippopottamus, trying to keep out of its way. Chuck chases it and it jumps out onto the bank -- gets very small. Dad says to put it somewhere you don't have to move it. Fire under bank of grass in teh yard -- very large, burn a long time. All kinds of cleaning dreams, get the dirt off things. Shirley comes to see what I'm doing, she's making a picture with a series of templates. Writing a story, ask another girl to help me -- but the deadline for mailing it is noon Saturday and we can't finish it. She writes three pages to go in the middle.

Conflict of interests, leaving my post. Across the street from our house is a beautiful empty house with large mirror, fireplace, planter in kitchen, green carpets. J has rented it and has the key, I go in and see them going to a row apartment to eat supper with their neighbors. Some kids get into the house somehow -- large ones, 9 or 10 year olds. I chase them out, the woman from singing class watches the door so more won't get in. Vincent runs out into the street (later hear he got a head injury). I run across street also, hear Jackie's voice -- that a car had two dead people in it, and see a red sports car with two gray haired people in it. Then I'm at a government agency, room difficult to find, I have to wait, look for a phone to call MJ. I pop back in place to school and Jackie says she's leaving for lunch and the kids are there alone. I see that this is unavoidable and I will be fired. I anticipate the match of tempers with MJ. [MJs assistant quit over lack of health insurance and when she drove out the driveway she got in an accident.]

Allan and Cinda's -- it's been raining and water is on their mountain. I say I'll help get it out. cinda says it rushes through like a river, in both directions even, carrying her into other rooms. I want to try, as I wait on the edge of the cliff. I say I'm scared, the water comes and carries us into the other room, then continues down the mountain into a quiet pool down below where people are sitting. Clothes are gone now and I see my body --very white - climb through fence parallel to water. Fun to swim. Other people start to swim. Showing off. Man talks me into cutting my hair. Go to high school, basketball game. Then walk around school, there's a lot new --very long parking lot, circus type stuff along the edge of it, minks. Large nude women statues with wild hair. Sandy there too, like regular person on her little boy's third birthday -- she's getting a hysterectomy.

Joye comes in -- she's painted a color picture of a woman full length in green dress, in sections. Background only around head. In our "spot" -- light turned on and I see snakes. See three are poison. They are very still -- non-aggressive. Small dead fish on the beach. Living in motel, locks don't work. Sandy in large expensive house, then Steve. Men watching TV in driveway, wander through house. Then Steve is going to read poems about war with two nude women called Roses of Camp. His parents are here, Steve talks very melancholy about the past. Parents get ahead, go through library of history, then museum of natural history, maps of the USA, have sand dollars on the Midwest that cover whole states. We get separated, I'm in motel alone, then beautiful black woman comes in, beach boys follow her in. She's very sophisticated. Many old people too, guy playing record about train. Young leave, I kick out old. Put stuff away. Darrell comes in, tries to get me to cook supper for him. I want to go to Steve's reading but Darrell says he can only vaguely remember where it is. MJ runs movie house -- cartoons and cooking movie like S Bay night school. She makes you clean up afterwards. Go to library, I work there. J and G come and I have a blouse like Jean's won't go around me when I lie down. I tell J she has a Jeckell and Hyde personality at present [she is afraid she will never be successful as a writer.]

On a bus, get off -- a foreign guy grabs my ass. I punch him. He picks me up on his shoulders. Has two sons or friends. I grab window of bus and hold on. Man comes and beats them all up.
Steve's parents come -- give us white Volkswagon. Steve complains because not warmed up at first. My parents there. Steve says he preferred Iowa. Bob and Shelley come in white Volkswagon. George here also, he and I argue -- I tell B & S that it was because he wanted me to set a date for when I would send my assemblages and I couldn't . Jon Sjoberg brings two. We go to a Mexican restaurant in a street with a lot of nationalities. Then go on bus into country -- church on steep hill back where flood waters used to come to. Graves are on very steep hill. Shellley and I sit and watch high school girls. They take their clothes off right in front of people and head across a field with ditches full of water where the tide has come in and filled them. One girl has a monkey tail and wants to stick it up another girl's ass. We walk down path in direction they have gone after saying we could never do it -- afraid of water. The tide is still coming in and we turn back -- the tide hits us right after crossing a small bridge and sweeps us along the path. We follow the landmarks so we know where we are - find road. Miss one path, but continuing down road, find the Marina driveway where we used to live in Iowa. The tide is coming in even down there. The cabins are really beautiful, Victorian with antique furniture. Even the trailers are very nice. Door is ajar, nice shelves in bathroom and covered bench-shelf. In the kitchen is a small wood stove and a blue oven. HIt kitten on back of head -- lots of blood, didn't really hit it that hard.

Go to a dairy -- get into a lot with two bulls -- one black and one red. Many people killed trying to run. I stay at gate in center, changing sides, then one gets on each side. I calm them using my mind, but it move, breaks spell. A little girl comes and leads me into the barn, takes away all my clothes and gives me a plastic bag and a burlap bag to wear. There is a farmer and son, but no one points out my nakedness. Boy starts breaking eggs into carton -- some wild bird eggs. I am on a long hike with a group led by a boy. We hike up a mountain and then find the boy intends to continue over a very dangerous section --either over the top of a glacier or through a crack. I don't think we should unless we take mountain climbing lessons, but we do. Through snow, through the crack. Man held upside down under the water. Old man, Tin Lizzy instead of horse, she acts up for everyone else. In long house -- trying to put curlers in Shawna's hair, becomes Joyce Wilbanks. Mess, my pants fall down, dishes, mess everywhere. Cougar on the road -- I have to face it, not afraid but don't defeat it. Man behind me helping me. Cat in the backseat, I put it there, funny meow, crawls through seat. I say I'll have to be very careful so it doesn't bite me. It does. I kill it. Worry about rabies or tetanus. Doctor very patronizing, says he could continue to cut following the line of infection -- do you know what I'm going to say? I say, tetanus shot? Blood rebels in my inner elbow. Second doctor I've been to lately. Trying to put opposites together. Day before, someone has mother cat that has kittens. Thinks 2-3 but then uncover lots more in nest. I suggest they kill them while small -- drown them like you would in real life. Allan says he wants to publish my "second rate stuff" because they have more appeal to women and are more sensual (appeal to the senses and are descriptive). I say I won't consider it, deal is off, I'm happy. [Tracy Kidder, 1973, instructor in my fiction writing class at the U of Iowa said "no dreams". He wrote all non-fiction -- pulitzer for Soul of a New Machine later. I had a book of dreams published by a small press soon after -- 1974. Joe Haldeman was also in that class.] Children read while classical music plays (MJ on piano). Even two year olds examine pictures closely for a long time. Co-ed dorm with popular people from high school, Betty Thompson, I'm trying to put their phones and toothbrushes away but can't tell whose is whose because they are all blue. Try to guess on hand lotions by the type. Steal a barge -- like comedy movie. Person who rents out plots of the ocean. Shirley and I in back of truck -- going to field. I have on a triangular mask over my mouth. At Mom's - two scripts in green folder lying in field. I'm a horse and I've been saddled with love. I climb into adjoining field to work. Man's memoirs of prison called Life at the Palace. My sisters attack me in my room -- I strike towards Sandy's forehead and she gets weak. Ana is there and I take her downstairs. Whole family sleeps at Dad's house, then Mom's house, all in the same bed. Mom goes down to barn.

Basketball game in balcony. A giant woman comes out, then a giant man, who looks like Yul Brenner. Voice, they'd be a perfect couple. He says, "if you want to see us together, you'll have to visit our home." The woman accidentally stepped on a basketball player. At house, first woman on porch in brown velvet suit -- talking about it. There are some young men serving food. She says to me, "it won't be easy for you, since both of you are servants." I don't know who she's talking about. She says, "aren't you marrying Shelley?" I don't know who he is. Then the scene changes and a whole group of people are hanging out at a rich person's house. I read a long thing about Yeats and then there are bottles of essences and I put on rose, a brown dress and a shawl tied the way Shelley tied her's. The woman who owns the house goes into the bedroom to argue about clothes because she wants fancy ones.

In kitchen. Things for associated with scripts. Monkey in bag under desk. Prunes. People call. Man gets job at police station. Sandy insists she's taller than i am. I feel taller, stand back to back. I am by just a little bit. Girl talking, pennies come out of her mouth. Maia, tooth got stepped on, broken tooth (initiation). {Maia went to Christian school where Hawthorne policeman was shot in an ambush.]

Feb - May 1977 continued

Living in an attic, an old grandmother begins cleaning up. After awhile you can see the window. I am going to a "library" -- really a black girl's house for some books about art or philosophy of life. Something prevents this -- I get very bitter about women -- go home where my mother-in-law and grandma tells that Steve's parents had a family "Christmas" and his sister was prostrated by his poems. No one liked her presents even though she got what they said they wanted. Then she turns into Minnie, my Great Grandfather's young second wife and wants attention. We sit in the attic, the sun is shining and it gets quite hot. There are numerous seams in the floor and all kinds of notched corners in the ceiling also. Man leads to the basement, which is cool -- very large, only part of it developed into a room which overhangs a large pool of water with rocks. The rocks seem to be broken up pieces of concrete and the water doesn't seem to have fish. I get upset because all the women "dress" well except for me, get huffy about the books, like I'm dodging reading them -- everything. Then we start back to the attic in a jeep, open top, man driving. Lots of very large snakes are crossing the road, they are 5-6 feet long but a foot in diameter. They appear to be rattlesnakes, diamonds on them, but have no rattles. I point them out as possibly dangerous and the man begins running over them -- one he goes in a circle to run over it twice. It seems a shame since so many years went into their growth [really they're born two feet long]. When I think this, one bites me on the finger -- "gums" me. Man says not to worry, it's their meat that is poisonous. One reaches up and bites him on the ass. We return, and I've seen from a distance that Minnie has been fainting -- either for real or for attention and says someone is acting senile -- her step-son's mother-in-law. I expect her to charge neglect and am solicitous of her. She goes with us to the attic. It is now night and delightfully cool. I go with a black woman, beautifully dressed, who keeps looking at her nails, a contrast to me. She doesn't act like an old lady anymore, lights candles and a pipe and her boyfriend emerges from the corner and joins us. I feel threatened at first, but he's okay. We have a problem of world trade, there are four countries, three are USA, Japan, Germany. The US is a center of trade, trading both with Japan and Germany even though she doesn't want the products and Japan and German should logically conduct trade between themselves. We sit in the basement along the wall reading books. However, this wouldn't be good for the world because they might come up with something ruthless -- doesn't want to lose control. Something is keeping me from the books, seems to be college. The other girls are well dressed, I prefer the library, large stack of very attractive books. The well dressed black woman leads me to the attic, which is entered through a suburban, middle aged woman's house -- very repulsive to me, but the attic is old, dusty -- a place where we've always lived. She's cleaning away debris so it can be seen to advantage. I don't know why it's so hot, window uncovered? When the attic is hot I walk lightly, saying I never trust the floors -- point out many joints in the floor like seams in a fur coat. It seems to be the basement of a very large castle because there is a very large room (maybe attic) and it still takes up only a little of the landscape. The water seems to be salty -- a Dead Sea. Talking to bored, sophistocated businessman -- he says I have to call the Bureau of Affairs. He's annoyed because I've taken over. A little kid lying on the floor with sores all over. A trip, I check my suitcase, things well picked -- light, not too much, well arranged. Go by a house where Elvis and his mother live upstairs -- Terri used to live downstairs. The side of the road is a jewel case but as big as a picture window -- jewels on display. Go to New York, stay in motel on fourth floor, turns into an insane asylum. See attendants on stairs, also crazies. Upstairs a large woman gets away. I head her off. Another begins to fight her attendant. Others join fracus until first one kicks them on top of heads. Five are killed. One, a young girl with short hair smiles faintly, she's still breathing. Go out -- get on train. Sit with black men, they say they've never seen hair my color -- I become very alert, paranoid. Say you could never get stoned there. Kids ask where you can buy one crabapple. Cars drive on sidewalk, they don't watch for pedestrians. Road becomes very steep, at two points I have to hold onto the regrigerator and jump across gap onto bed, hill becomes perpendicular. Man buys rice, store made him buy rice , pick a design, which he picked a hand, red with white palm. Art store with lurid pictures next door to our house -- 3D pictures of people jumping off cliff into ocean. Nice one of a breeze blowing a curtain and a wind chime. Flashes of color and geometric shapes come from the chimes. J wants to rent an office, I go to the surrealist show after it's over, there are pictures on the floor.

Go to work on a tricycle. Man goes with me -- at Mom's house. Rocks on road shaped like bluegreen cowboy hats. Man says they're $5 pieces. Woman sleeps under a glass bubble next door to Mom's old farm [housing development built there]. I live behind a pond on a rich estate, write letter about my check. Some black people are talking on the line. A grandmother tells a little girl this is the last time she'll see a psychic. I hang up, then when I call J's phone is dead, black people talking on phone already. One talking about his technique with women, three girls with white faces, sugar and cream. Catholics wash your head and then you go on. J tells me that I get a rest for a few days. I've been talking and dialing phone a long time. Work, place very dirty, looks like Dumdum, but it's Swim and Play and MJ is keeping kids amused. In the barn, horse comes in and puts head in stanchion like a cow. I was working happily in barn, but just got ready to leave. J -- some offer where you have to be stripped and "killed" three times. I cut off most of my hand, call the doctor, whose name is Lucille. She peels off the flap of skin, it is now just unnecessary (on my palm). I have a green MG Midget (Phil Ward) drive it wrong way through a car repair place. This is rebellious and triumphant. A boy helps me lift it over tight corners. Rich people, man and woman marry. she's rich and lazy (her class) at first shapes up. Another funny woman plays in a trough of water, pushing a ball with a polo stick. Whole group of people begin throwing a piece of wood. Someone always catches it - it becomes significant. Someone throws it where I'm standing and I catch only a minute part of it -- to light to throw far. I try to throw it to two women above. the blond one who played in the water catches it after some tries. The other one just lies down -- I throw a pink crayon and it lands across her left eye. The man arranges games on a shelf. He owned a hotel but she abhored physical labor because of her class.

In Des Moines, look out window and see green hill. DM in distance in a valley, ugly tall buildings. Shawna is my sister. Our other sister married to a guy who writes articles and sends to newspapers. He's going to quit his job because he says he's psychic and knows he's going to make it. An older guy asks him if he can sing for his supper. he throws sand in the car I'm trying to vacuum. I tell him he has to clean it out and he says to go to a car wash on Washington Street. Go to see coworker three times and she's masturbting. MJ says she's firing her for eating the food, she knows I probably don't agree with her decision. I hold my tongue. [She thought the kids were crazy -- scientology.]

Going to work, give kids pictures. Lori a problem, tell her to get her stuff together, then mom isn't coming, Lori is afraid. Woman fighter -- she weighs 200 pounds (looks small in picture) going to fight eight foot man. Says she's toothless, but she has teeth. Her name is Rita Rath (born or bone) She looks like Fellini's wife. someone says it's an ugly woman fighting a blank man. She says she's won fourteen fights already.

I'm across the street sitting on the curb behind the car. Three kids come along and offer me a dime - then run off when they see I'm not a bum. Keys in the gas tank. I take them, kid follows me, I call for help and a man comes out and slaps the kid's face. Then I go out to the car to get a book he recommended. There's a lot of stuff there and the back door won't lock. This is on the high road - parking lot behind school. I try to fix it with rope, with my hair. Kid comes back and asks for keys, he has a blue shirt, already has the keys. A teenaged boy is with them and they take away four kids, one on each shoulder. One is Joseph. Devin is left siting on the hood, he cries and speaks very clearly and softly [has cerebral palsy, 4 year old] , sitting there playing with another handicapped kid. It's no good for me to play with him, he wants acceptance by a man. Dad has built a fur covered shelf in the car but the nails aren't solid and the lock doesn't work. I pick up some nice things, a Virgin Mary statue -- can't tell which end is fhe feet. I lean against one and knock it off -- a China doll of a woman in blues and whites, most of her dress is pearls. I pick up pieces from a parquet floor, Kim is there bragging about something -- she has a baby brother or twins and you are supposed to put water in their ears. the baby sitter did this and then they weighed 3 pounds. I am trying to put this together while looking at clothes I made for Barbie. They are quite good -- polyester jumpsuit, black and white, a hat, lots of stylish clothes. Someone asks why I put on a particular outfit -- that, they said, of a school girl.

Plants said this, dozed off in the chair beside them. Putting the leaves in a bag, green large leaves from small plant. Sheriff guy, short sleeved khaki shirt standing beside me. Voice, "I have here the killer." Thinking about plants under light.

Downstairs Dumdum, meeting upstairs. I and a group of little kids come back to a house with lots of stairs in a square in swimming suits -- dripping wet. I drip up the stairs, have to mop up, dry some off first, someone has green hair. Kids demand snack. I mix up stuff from a room divider. people watching movie. See landlord and other couple shopping, men sit in baby seat in the cart. For some reason I'm going to pay for both carts. Girl from my dorm Scott got pregnant and she got an abortion in New York, wanted a penis for Christmas. voice, she was a rich girl. Pat and Patty come to visit and we visit Bruce -- he has a plan to sit in a bathtub of orange juice for six hours holding a piece of popcorn in his teeth -- a living assemblage. Then snow on ground, Pat asks Patty if she wants a ride -- they went in a pickup. I

walk over the snow in mocassins, the snow feels very good, alive. Go to circle in the snow where people are all dancing and singing like Indian group. Go through traffic, Pat doesn't say anything, very quiet. A house, Mom visiting, everything very genteel -- moving into hotel, etc. Walk to sea world place, animals in the water, you can touch them -- a shark, sea lions, various sea cucumbers. then people dressed up like porpoises clowning around -- one very agile, goes across a hand over hand bars with no hands. Before I go into psychic -- have to make peace with the FBI -- dip my breasts into something -- second cow.

Store where there is supposed to be a classical music concert. A salesman with a superior attitude comes up and stares. I stop to ask about an antique refrigerator, has fins like an old car -- salesman says they are phoney antiques, copies for the new styles. People are arriving for a party, I go down two levels. The salesman thinks he has me in his power, but I do something to him, jump a fence and run barefoot over a field of golden stubble. Get tired, but decide to rest like in real life instead of panicking like i usually do in dreams and try to crawl and pull myself along with my hands. Now I'm back to the first level which is the barn. Start to open the door - a woman with two guns. I get them down on the ground and step on them. She leaves, she was the mother of the salesman.

Daydream -- helpful little beings change things -- put in better for bad, then cover it up with dirt "so she won't be so surprised when she wakes up" -- "she" is a librarian.

Some test like Civil Service have to take if I want to work with kids. I get mine back with a score of 6 3/4, everyone in line has the same score -- then find out from a thin, blond, chair smoking, middle aged woman that I have to go through the whole thing again. I decide not to. End up between trains and ocean at a harbor. Young man and I supposed to split checks for work we did together, I work at a bank, it seems; he comes, I can't leave. I sit in a chair meditating/sleeping while others work cleaning school. No one says anything, I feel guilty. Try to clean up -- find wood animals in windows all painted blue. Vicent keeps wandering off, has excuse. I'm floating up at the roof of a round room. A man and woman there. The daughter is mother to the mom, a committee of people deciding when to have it rain. There are twelve little sections to the round roof. I take it down and put it underfoot and it's called a donkey wish. Feeling of curved razor blade or scythe for shaving legs. Talk to Dennis's mother, she tells me about her husband (biker) and her fears. Brat at school, Billy Rhodes, wants me to get his costume before someone comes to visit -- it's Billy the Kid costume. Eagles or Blue Shield is my favorite store. We live in the top of a large house of rooms, we live in New York and then move to a place with fields, trees.

The Bull. I go up a small, but deep creek in a canoe. By the right bank is a little cove where "exclusive members" of a club go to pick nuts and there are also nuts for sale. We stop on an island, but then a man says he doesn't want to go up the creek because there are little tiny sharks that are vicious beyond imagination because they have lived in the creek so long they don't even know they're sharks. I thought they'd be big by now, but the man indicates small ones. Some people on a canoe trip hear some growling up ahead that sounds like sharks but turns out to be a bull. The bull appears at the right side behind me. His horns are polished mahogany and curved so that when he tosses his head they seem to turn like a curved stick. He makes rushes at the island almost getting across the small creek. I remember that you have to face these things and go up to him and pull the long fur on his face. The fur is long like a curtain. His face is as large as a door -- he doesn't get smaller or anything. His attention is diverted by rich people coming to "pick nuts". He makes small rushes at some children, then remarks that they will be sorry that they drank the "harmless" water of this creek and will remember this for a long time. I think they'll probably get diarrhea. I begin paddling quickly down the creek to the fence with the bull in pursuit -- cross the fence, but he also crosses. The paddling has become very smooth like flying and I continue this feeling and fly up into a very large white branched dead tree that all the bark has fallen off of it. The person behind me comes too. The branches of dead trees fall off too and all the bull has to do is wait under the tree a few months. The bull climbs right up the tree. I throw a flashlight and some other stuff. He falls and lands right on his head and turns into a man, bounces right up and climbs again in the form of the bull. this time I have only a small stick which I throw anyway -- trying to hit the bull's eye. Then the bull turns into a blond woman in a white dress with pink dots and she says I've done well. I get down and Rudy is at the bottom of the tree, has a notebook made of pieces of green paper and he's been writing -- making shapes on the paper. I ask for a pen to write something down. The blond woman is in the car on the passenger side. The car is headed up towards the stars. Good, ahead of his time. Bullets equal bull turds. Up your ass.

The common sense one man bases his life on appears to another to be the drunkard's observation of the effect of alcohol blown out of proportion to cover all of life. Kids writing on the walls at school -- adults upset. I ask if it wasn't there before. Woman sees that a petroleum product is noxious --f inds out about Carver and works on substitute made of peanut oil.

I've been doing Grandma's chores, but not real consistently. Attic light on, they're home. Charley looks well fed. Grandma says the chickens are dead in the basement. They are. There was a storm. The roof leaked. Grandpa comes downstairs, but he's Dad and keeps him busy. [Charley, Grandma's dog disappeared when I was taking care of him while they were on vacation and she thought he starved to death. I couldn't remember feeding him. I also forgot to throw out hay for the cows and someone opened the barn door for them and they got inside to get their own hay -- like ghosts when I opened the other door and startled them -- and me. I was about 12 years old.]

In front of the Student Union, two couples dates. Sandy and Gary and a very serious redheaded girl from a store window, gingham dress. We laugh, feel silly, run. There is a boat that is a representation of Rama -- it has metal pieces that vibrate when you say ra and when you exhale with ma the boat moves. However there are people from San Francisco in a room on the boat. They talk about a governor, has blond hair in braids, now corruption has crept in. One old guy wants a woman, governor says $18 and he says too much, $8. Construction workers, sprinklers go on, continue some time, then I go sit on a window ledge to watch "boat."


A war. Shirley and I duck from the bombs, they bounce in the windows. Put cameras in our pockets and go out to be spies. Jewish mother. Go past pictures of J's family. Go to pay table, school. I go to bathroom, very dirty -- boys bother me, throw things -- bicycles and lighted cigarettes -- I scream. A man comes. I go to library with Karen and Jackie, Jackie's house very small. Start walking, it gets dark. Cross street, it gets hard to walk. We walk through a field along a dirt road. Fianlly decide to turn back. The other women want to go to a bathroom -- people in there decorating a cake with their mouths, very clean. I steal a knife with a special blade, two little boys with us steal a sheep skin cape. We start walking back, they say thre are two more miles. I am afraid because I didn't put the knife back -- wearing my jacket that looks like the Fool card. We all are too tired to go on, sit down. I'd like to hitch a ride with the mailman.

> Feb- May 1977 continued
>
> Talking in my sleep -- "just one thing, the red one
> and the first one." Thinking, who is the bull, maybe a Taurus -- Sandy is
> a Taurus and I am a borderline Taurus, just barely Gemini. The red bull.
>
> Little statues for sale, $20. People ask cards who
> gets which ones. Button like a star sapphire. Angel with wings on mouth;
> man with leg bent, cigar on arm; angel with wings spread out; little kid
> with wings closed over his front; tiny angel with red windmill spinning
> behind it. Woman says she'll give it to me if I'll go get her sack. Then
> says she'll give it to me and Peggy Parrish. Go to visit a woman who
> talks to Julie a long time on the phone. She has gotten a ride to Ohio,
> her landlord is mad, in her lease it says no cooking, no working. Several
> women, we all take what we want -- no one else wants a pile of cotton
> gauze dresses, Medieval looking. "At first you didn't sell any, and then
> after awhile you did." [Pagan gods, implied by the statues. Hecate, the
> three faced goddess of the crossroads, is dangerous per Artimedorus and
> you must go to the mystery schools if you want to learn more.]
>
> Walking through unfamiliar part of town, get into
> area of blue buildings --get feeling of danger, run. Someone pulling on
> my feet like bunch of bananas. I call for help and a goat with horns
> curled around and a dog come to help. They fight larger German Shepards.
> Walk on, an old woman with a shopping cart is right behind me. She has a
> dozen eggs. I say for her to tell me who she is or I'll break her eggs.
> I do so -- she helps me with the last one. She says she's a witch --
> takes us to her home which is in a parking ramp. On each level is a
> fireplace and a homeless old woman lives in front of each one. There is a
> boy with us who immediately crawls up onto a ledge. Another sleeps by the
> pillow. I sleep at the foot of the bed. They have cupboards with the
> dishes they've been able to get. This one has tall green pitchers. Rori
> and Ray [Ray was 5 and didn't talk except about "webs" all over his house,
> Rori was his 3 year old sister] are there. They have done some injury
> and have to pay. Ray says 1/2 cent, Rori says a penny. She holds out her
> pitcher. I feel I should give some and open my purse. Take out 50 cent
> piece -- then all my change. They also have a $1 bill. As I look at it,
> I realize if I give away all my money I'll be like the women in the
> parking ramp.
>
> J calls -- lots of interference on line. I don't
> pick up receiver. Talk about script writing. She says she's written 25,
> then hear nothing, no one there. I hang up, wonder if she's redialing for
> a better connection. Workmen have a chocolate cake I intend to put away
> but I eat the whole thing.
>
> At rehearsal of some musical. Lunch for everyone.
> Man eats most of the cookies. LIttle girl (oriental) gives me her
> sweater, coat -- I can get them on but they show my big ass. I say we'd
> better leave before they come. Betty Thompson says it looks like a
> teenager got into the cookies. I go get my stuff, books, notebooks,
> paycheck. When I walk downstairs I just float down, not touching ground.
> Go back up, three high school boys come out to bother me. Man beats them
> up and pries one's fingers apart to get something -- like you do a baby.
>
> Basketball practice, garage sale -- pins, sandpaper.
> J steals gold fillings. I look around. Presents to J from people --
> copper pans with writing that say "nothing." Taking a look back on 140th
> street, thought it was a long ways away, another town, turns out to be
> close. [140th street is Hawthorne -- we moved 10 blocks from Lawndale
> house on Larch to apartment building where we've lived the past 20 years.]
>
>
> 5/14/77 Black guy on trial for murder. We go to
> court and stand in line. The judge is black. The defendent is the
> judges's employee who calls the court to order. We sit on pieces of
> carpet. The case in my mind has to do with: brat at school, Billy,
> murders someone -- breaks their head open so that the flower that grows by
> the path can sprout and grow. There is something to do with a small pony
> with very flowing mane and tail. Scott (molested by mother), Ray
> (autistic), Michelle (two, year old, cried when she had to go to ballet
> lessons) all swing in the same swing. While standing in line -- music
> starts -- thin woman (blond) links arms with fat blond woman. Then they
> come back and link arms with me. Fat one kisses me, says this is what you
> want to do -- don't be afraid of what people will think because good
> people will like very much. [Mom sent clipping that the judge (black)
> that sentenced me for felony ($20) shoplifting's son was arrested for
> robbing a beauty parlor. Later she sent another clipping when the judge
> died of a heart attack. Des Moines Register.] [In winter, 1978 the
> McMartin preschool/a lot of preschools all over Los Angeles, that had male
> emplyees, especially, were accused of molesting -- Ray Buckey was accused
> by the kids of killing a pony to get them to not tell anyone. The kids
> said they could see Ray molesting other kids when they would swing very
> high in the swing set.]
>
> At a park watching old people organize for a game of
> throwing a ball over the person in the middle's head. I think that this
> sports is an advantage of getting old -- then I'm playing. My grandfather
> is opposite and throws a bundle of sticks instead of the ball. You are
> supposed to hit it back like a volleyball, but it will hurt my hands.
> Feel like it is like baseball when I couldn't see the ball (astigmatism
> from age 4 -- optometrist said it wasn't bad enough to correct). Then
> grandpa picks up a box springs and says, how about this? I say, "no, too
> heavy!" We carry it together to where a truck is coming from the Gospel
> Army. Kids are there from the school, Chris and Jackie (teacher.) I keep
> them back out of the way. When the truck comes, the floor where I'm
> standing elevates me as well as the mattress, carries me over the top and
> then starts down -- it's a belt. I make it up without getting smashed --
> hang onto bars. This happens twice then I'm standing there talking to MJ
> and she says people get smashed noses from this. Working at Swim and
> Play/Looking Glass -- putting papers away. Bert's locker has been moved
> to the sanctum. Several have. The sanctum is tables with candles around
> them. Then my sister is in charge of the files and she's written ALL on
> his file. I whisper, ALL GOOD, in her ear. MJ [Italian from Ohio,
> kindergarten teaching degree, no kids of her own, worked at the school,
> making payments and paid it off in 7 years] makes fun of her [never say
> kids are good or bad, just that you don't like something they do.] This
> leads up to the trial in which she, Billy, the courtroom clerk are all the
> accused. The judge chews tobacco and drinks brandy on the bench. I end
> up sitting with two people that are my parents in the dream, on pieces of
> warmed carpet. I'm embarrassed. At Mom's -- I plant things, then in the
> morning snow has fallen. I go out to the well and Billy calls for his
> colors -- which are markers. I am grouchy, say I won't get them. The
> rose bush is frozen. I take it in and