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> 5/18/77 One day after the New Moon. Dream goals
> for this notebook: 1. meet and talk to Ralph 2. make peace with the
> FBI 3. fly, go to holy places 4. find out more about the bull 5.
> be more aggressive 6. learn to run
> 7. art
>
> I sit at a counter, dressed up, waiting to meet an
> "agent". The woman behind the counter asks me about my "hurt hand". I
> think she's mistaken me for someone she knows -- then that she is very
> observant as my hand deos hurt (left). She talks about the look of the
> store on Labor Day. I go out to get in the back of our man's convertible
> and she comes also -- now a girl of about seven. I ask if she's an agent
> and she says yes. We drive off and a tiny baby sized boy who can walk
> slides off teh back of the car. He is going off into the world already.
> He is at a nature trail and I notice goes with the first person he meets.
> Then he leaves her and goes with Melanie. A baby I hold up many times
> trying to determine something. The baby is covered with cloths, beige
> color.
>
> 5/19/77 I am driving in very hilly country through
> an intense snowstorm. Jeannette is holding my vinyl album which gets
> warped from heat and bends in half. I'm riding a bike right by freeway.
> We see a man at the top of one hill. J calls for help but the man says,
> "she's doing okay." He does pull me up -- but I go under my own power.
> She goes to the bathroom in some government building, then I have to go to
> another. I want to leave, go on. Try to flatten out record. The second
> building has a line to the women's room. All the women talk about signing
> up for civil service jobs in a distant city. I say bad idea. J calls me
> a name -- then I mention to her what she's done to my record -- and call
> her a brat. [I got a civil service job in March 82 at the Federal
> Building in Lawndale, CA -- took the civil service exam in Des Moines,
> Iowa in June 78 and Long Beach, CA in September 81.]
>
> Our car at Mom's -- it starts going down the
> driveway by itself and I put my hand on it and follow it -- jump inside if
> necessary. It turns into a horse which is very headstrong and seems mean.
> I look at it closely and its furs are in threes -- silver, purple and
> blue. I say that it isn't old, it's very young and beautiful and it
> becomes docile and can be led to the pasture. Its mane is extremely long
> and silver and very curly. One part is darker underneath -- dark roots.
>
> Steve and I living in a cave. A bear lives there
> also. Our house is two pieces of wood with a three inch thick picture of
> a shark over a hole. Nail top of picture, screw bottom.
>
> Go to a place where Mom and Sandy are -- say I look
> young. I say because no kids. Sandy doesn't look pregnant. They are
> eating chocolate ice cream behind the house -- by raspberrie bushes. Our
> apartment is up in a large building. I see my Aunt Lois and Mike looking
> up and run down. As they walk towards me a lone woman I know reaches me
> first and I walk with her. We window shop -- the latest fashions look
> very thin and unsubstantial. Someone receives a shipment of various
> pieces of white cloth -- different textures, sizes. These are to be dyed
> and made into a variety of styles, clothes.
>
> 5/20/77 I have to go to a hospital for some sort
> of check-up for school. My heart beats too fast. Man makes all the
> arragements, has paper telling things on a clipboard. Go in a gate like
> the garden -- my appointment is at 9 AM. Nice lawns, go in up stairs.
> Man has bags of herbs. I lose the clipboard. Little stream you cross to
> enter, hospital where I was born. I go out the gate to another hospital
> to find surgery, then come back. All this takes time and I'm a half hour
> late to my appointment. There is a nursery downstairs -- little kids
> recognize me, say Hi. Also, you're in good shape, you were really getting
> pudgy there for awhile. There are two boys out by the stream, which
> washes over my papers.
> In a used clothing store looking at prom dresses and
> things -- nothing I like even though I've lost weight. Think about a
> beautiful leather halter with fringe and feathers. See felt chaps that
> another girl is trying on -- take very thin legs.
>
> 5/21/77 3:30 AM A large tidal wave is coming and we
> and another couple run down a road. The tide when it comes is very cold
> and I wonder how long I can cling to the gate and stay above it. I think
> "and I wanted to move closer to the beach." Then I'm with another woman
> -- we are pushing something and stop at a house which has an apartment in
> the basement. I knock on the door and it si the house of a miserly old
> couple. The man is on the phone about some sugar cookies he promised to
> make. Their house is bare but messy. A stove dominates. There is a ramp
> leading to a higher level. Voice says, "no" about staying there. Then we
> are back with the group. Some people find an extremely tough clear
> plastic sheet from another planet (Rudy, kid at Looking Glass preschool
> that can't talk at five years old). Then a very domineering man comes out
> (the head of a family) and says that the first two pages of the book of
> man have been found. They are written on that plastic. It becomes my
> task through the rest of the dream to protect the empty page from him.
> Rudy is dumb and wants to tell that he found it. I lure Rudy and Eric
> (parents run Weinerschnitzel) to a cliff where I consider pushing them
> over. This would easily "solve" the problem. I'm also carrying a baby
> which I could throw over. I decide this wouldn't be right. Then I watch
> Rudy constantly, trying to divert him. My sister is walking her baby by
> the barn and I decide to hide Rudy in the hay for awhile -- we are leaving
> soon. Fortuneately, he would like to do this and I say I'll bring
> food/peanut butter and apples and water for him and he can hide from
> adults. Then at the table, the father begins to read from the first two
> pages. Rudy is beside me, I tell a man I must make him sick to get him
> away. Fortuneately again, he begins grabbing food from Eric -- I foster
> this with sesame seeds -- then grab his arm and "drag" him from the table
> "angrily". Once inside I assure Rudy and Eric that I'm not really angry
> and thank them. They go to play. There is a girl sitting in a chair from
> whom the truth must also be hidden, my sister. At Mom's, the driveway,
> playing in the creek.
>
> 5/22/77 Morning. At school, to get to Baskin and
> Robbins you have to climb up the railing of spiral stairs. Slide down.
> On top of a slide. People are eating on the slide, so have to slide down
> the legs. One leg goes up. I fall asleep and almost fall. Never recover
> equilibrium. Climb out onto leg that is up in the air. Slants like the
> galleries in the Great Pyramid. My sister is holding it up. I swing
> back and forth, tell her to grab my head or left arm. Later I find out
> that I fell and died. Another character is calling her to task. Dad and
> Mom call that they are coming and want deviled eggs. Dad finally arrives
> on the tractor pulling a load of hay. [When Sandy was about seven I
> accidentally pulled her off the roof where Dad was fixing the chimney and
> we were playing up there. As she fell past me on the ladder, which I was
> afraid of heights and rubber legged, she grabbed the ladder but broke both
> arms -- greenstick fracture in one arm and compound in the other.]
>
> Predictions: The president resigns. Carter becomes
> president and orders the arrest and deportation of Chevy Chase -- many
> other comedians.
>
> 5/22/77 Noon. Looking in some water. Some
> creatures swim up. Shirley is there and touches them even though I say
> they're jelly fish and have fatal stings. They look like God's Eyes, now
> there are two. One is very small and begins to expand when I throw
> something through its center. The strings are of various colors. I look
> closer and see little blobs among the strings and think those are the
> jelly fish. One of them swims around, pulsating and growing larger. Then
> it flies up into the air and has chiffon scarves of pure reds, blues and
> greens. Then one of them has a girl in the center who's muscular and tan
> flying the God's Eye like a box kite. She has on these pure colors for
> her clothes. I could have had these scarves but was afraid to ask for
> them at one time. [Mom gave me her chiffon scarves, which were
> yellow-green, red, and blue in very pure colors.] I'm watching a race in
> a pool from above. Keep thinking of falling down there. Finally one of
> the four lanes of contestants wins -- the man says, first on first. The
> other three lanes haven't even finished due to exhaustion. Then we're
> house sitting I think, but they are coming back already. Wet diaper in
> bedroom, crumbs in kitchen, broom is fan shaped, steps are wood. Radio
> has many dials and won't turn off (TV is on in real life.) Go out, man
> and Evan are in car. Evan won't leave (schizophrenic uncle five years
> older than I am). He's afraid of the woods because of drugs growing there
> -- booby traps. Nathan takes a chair off the porch into the trees. I
> walk into the trees by the house. It is beautiful, there are small trees
> turning fall colors.
>
> 5/23/77 I have a major part in a play and learn it
> perfectly. The time comes for the afternoon performance and I don't
> remember a word. Vincent is playing a male role (5 year old, Italian).
> He goes to a part where he rakes hay -- but he really rolls up his hair --
> some is mine and some is black hair. I look at mine, it looks like gold.
> I cry on the shoulder of an adult woman, say, this is what happens when
> you trust me and I can never learn a major role. A group of men,
> fishermen come in and say, take off that white gauzy stuff, we wanna see
> you in tights. Then they say, you wanna go fishin. I watch from aside.
> The girl is very cool, says, sure I like to fish, I'll be ready in half an
> hour. She walks to the door, slim muscular legs. A young boy with curly
> red hair waits there and they leave together. They look about four years
> old. Then I'm in the top floor of a house, looking out the window to the
> beach. I hear a noise and a man is sitting on the steps with a newspaper.
> Through the window a group of fishermen can be seen preparing a
> traditional meal. The same meal is in the room -- fried chicken,
> potatoes, gravy -- made by Grandma and sent over. I wonder if I've
> returned dishes in the past. I have to go to the house next to the
> fishermen to do some chores and ask the man what I should do. He is short
> tempered -- says I'll have to be aggressive -- stand up to them. We leave
> together from Mom's in the car.
> 6:30 AM Vincent's dad (father in law is Hawthorne
> policeman) assists me in hiding my money -- he pokes around in cars, the
> money is in my hand, then the top of my jeans. Man says he winked at him
> with his head. Then he cleans out the refrigerator on the bed -- wet.
> Marsha in the street doing yoga in her blue pajamas. At school, there is
> a celebration being planned with lots of cooking. There is a big pink
> rabbit cake in the refrigerator. I'm in bed writing down dreams. A boy
> wants to borrow my almanac and a thing with a circle at one end and pump
> at the other. Dad and Nathan have invented a cart for taking in firewood.
>
>
> 5/24/77 I'm walking, see plants with blue flowers
> that look like nests. In each is a little bird like the shaman tree. A
> hot rodder approaches. I know he's going to rape me because he's done
> this before. I run up the hill, he catches me at the creek -- looks like
> James West or Kurt Douglas (dimple in chin). At first I resist and then
> decide to "advance towards pleasure" like Patricia Garfield said and he
> loses all energy. We decide to go visit the Nuzoms -- Mom, other woman,
> me. I call to find their number but get their address -- it's either 1976
> or 1376 road in Minnesota. Decide not to go. I try on clothes, dark
> pants with gold braid --some green in plaid. See a little jacket with
> green plaid and gold braid and try them together. It is dark blue in the
> front and gets too baggy with a white belt. My sister says, you've gotten
> smaller. I put a hat in the closet, think I've become a woman with lots
> of clothes of various types. Man won't marry me because I'm not making
> enough money (Joe Daginault was destined for same thing). Time went on,
> finally got cynical in middle age and started going out with other people
> (both of us.)
>
> 5/25/77 On a boat ride. Benji and a man who looks
> like Benji sit on the dash and steer. MaryJane pushes on the gas. We go
> up a river. Other people afraid. Pretty soon I'm the only one at the
> front. Watch out for rocks. MJ stuffs wave shapes with chocolate. Three
> grad students swim in pool. I want to go to the ocean, expect cold --
> small pool across road, warm. Scum on top, filter off.
>
> 5/26/77 no dreams
>
> 5/27/77 Helping Shirley fix her glasses -- sew
> khaki buttons onto each side of the front with fresh thread. Voice,
> tells how to lean over a sink to wash your face safely if you're wearing
> platform shoes -- hand rails. A basement room fixed up very nice.
>
> 5/28/77 early morning. There is a ride -- a chute
> of water down which you can slide, the last section is very steep. After
> going down it you can see things clearly, see more than before, see auras,
> are very joyful and playful. Steve has also done it, I am laughing, plan
> to greet him, it is a girl. Illumination. I think I see Allan K., a very
> steep mountain, talk of climbing it, grass filled depression, land slide.
> Man says he'll take the quickest but most danger. Goes through the worst
> neighborhoods -- this mountain have levels of society living on it. At
> school, basement, three kids to be put in diapers. Man calls, I talk to
> him a long time in stairwell, MJ says to hang up, I only speak in
> half-sentences anyway, he does most of the talking. Garden, I get the
> hoe, it is doing pretty well, considering ineptitude of gardeners.
> Twilight here. MJ talks about good deal she got on uniform. It's olive
> drab bikini with picket fence bottoms. She got them second hand, cheap,
> found them in Dad's basement. I look at them on the playground -- very
> dirty, sleazy, yellow molding. I'm at Hermosa Beach -- looking through a
> table of old stuff. The beach is dark, sunless, lots of people on the
> strand. When I'm ready to leave, I find you must go through a door to
> leave. I go into one office and ask if it's okay to exit here. This door
> is rarely used and I am ready to apologize and go out, but the woman (a
> social worker with teenaged boys) is very friendly and glad to see me.
> She asks for 29 cents payment and to see my membership card -- it is a
> Rosicrucian door.
>
> 5/29/77 Matthew telling me stories about little
> kids in a place where it's only warm when it rains and where the little
> kids eat each other. A singing group has their stuff lost for a year like
> us, I give a recording a drink of water by washing it. At school --
> little black boy is following me because of something I did to him, I
> crawl and run through the balcony. Finally go out, a little black girl is
> leading the boy up to me to make his complaint. They take my hands, we're
> all going in the same direction and they help me walk easier. Grandma
> comes up and accuses me of smoking marajuana -- my defense is "one vice".
> The black kid's complaint is that he didnt' get to smoke cigarettes very
> long. I say he should feel lucky. Living at Mom's -- "our lawn" is the
> side of the house by the mulberry tree shading the outhouse. Someone else
> mowed it. Thin out the daisies and reach to the high places for the
> roses.
>
> 5/30/77 Joye and Gordon come over -- remark on our
> art -- large surreal oil painting but with mechanistic foreground like
> minotaur axe. Lydia comes in and says Ralph is giving some presentation
> at 3 PM. I ride on an amusement ride, no ticket. Bathroom, door won't
> stay shut, bike falls over, I turn out light. Man sits on the toilet and
> a bell comes down and "scrubs his back". He had been sick. I'm sitting
> by the side of the road -- a mattress has to be disposed of -- I say I'll
> take care of it. 7:30 AM (not asleep) An old man, white hair, round
> face, looks at me -- I am a plant with roots exposed and a top that is
> gossamer like roots. He "saw" me. I say, "you really saw me! should I
> cover roots" Steve says it's not as good if you re-cover roots, takes
> longer to grow. [My gardenia died from exposed roots, recovering them
> didn't help.] Steve takes me to work and then goes fishing in a park we
> know well. He catches a whole bunch of different kinds of fish of
> different sizes in a ditch. There is also a rabbit -- catch it and put it
> in a box. There is also a casting of a child -- Steve says Comanche, but
> date is 1958. I do a demonstration of fishing on dry land -- catching a
> large fish. Woman leaves her baby. On a road. There are two middle-aged
> men with machetes -- one Japanese. They cut down trees, which might anger
> the emperor. One cuts a tree that I like by the road, but I look at it
> and now it is very artistic -- has little bunches of leaves in levels and
> the stump is flat like a place to stand overlooking a large river (the
> size for fairies). I sit on the bank of the road reading illustrated
> postcards from Darrell. They are illustrated with antique tiny things --
> some of them miniature birthday cake with a candle. There is the name of
> the store in San Francisco -- Cisco. He has many nice things for
> assemblages. Further up the road -- Pat Dooley and some others, a man and
> woman -- Rhonda is smoking. Pat says, should we move to the bed. I keep
> reading the postcards, which are very complex. There is a whole stack. A
> man appears beside me smiling. [Darrell did send assemblage postcards
> from the Tenderloin where he lived in SF -- and he came to stay when he
> got out of detox shortly before he died.] At Mom's -- only I live there
> now. A young hippie woman comes and asks if I want to go to a cloth sale,
> but I don't want to spend any money. She has a baby and hands it to me,
> she wants a vacation, baby cries for her to come back. I have been
> cooking supper and make the mistake in the dream of cooking in the wash
> pan -- which was used for washing something with piss. The baby has shit
> and it is all over. I start to change the diaper, is going to shit again.
> I take it outside and the outhouse is on its side. I sit it down anyway
> and it shits on a plastic bag that I throw down the hole. Go back to
> house and woman is back already. I wash baby -- now there is a bath tub
> but the water runs out. She says the baby uses the bathroom at home.

> Feb - May 17, 1977 15019 Larch Ave, Lawndale, CA (Los Angeles)
> "Many dreams referring to things that happened in real life -
> sometimes confused - things that really happened to other people
> happened to me in the dream."
>
> Have to cross a great river -- follow people out onto planks then
> find out it doesn't go all the way across. Voice, you've done this
> before, it wasn't so scarey. Trying to return, have to hang onto slope,
> then jump in and swim. Water is cold -- faster moving than looks. There
> is a dam a short ways ahead. Horse sacrifices self to push me out. Climb
> up, sent to Grace's cafe for some reason in a small town. This is a
> trick -- she's a witch hunter or accuser. I try to escape -- carrying as
> many of my books as I can, throw some of the other stuff at her. Then
> went to Paul's -- roll down hill nude. He attempts rape -- I threaten
> him. Barbra Streisand knocks on the door and I take opportunity to fall
> out sliding glass door. All kinds of perils, lots of baby rattlesnakes,
> lions, large hill to climb -- also Paul himself who is very tricky and
> dangerous -- knives, cutting my hands only as I grab the blades. Wall or
> hill at the back of the garden.
>
> Sandy regains her vital rosy color like when she was a little kid.
> Give Dad a bowl of herbs -- he was trying to quit smoking. In the barn,
> the bottom filled with bulls and cows on both sides -- black Angus bulls.
> They are eating hay out of the mangers. Another bull comes into the
> runway and I chase him out. He gets smaller and turns into a man with
> curly hair dancing around. I climb up ladder to the haymow -- there are
> several little kids with me and the floor is very thin and rickety. Wire
> screen has been laid over it in places. I have to sing a phrase -- 100
> women and 10 men. Walking down road, have seen things from a new angle.
> Joe is getting run over by passing cars -- tell him to move back. Get on
> bench on moving car with a man -- walk down road to place where get
> penguin meat. Little red riding hood, blue dress, red cloak. Going down
> Grandma's driveway, antique plates and pitchers. Go by place where little
> house was --Judy built a new house there, no front, like a doll house --
> has furniture, I go inside. Shirley and another girl dressed in brown
> velvet jumpsuits -- for wedding. I find two bracelets and two rings on
> stairs -- both have opals and also blue stones -- a man's and a woman's.
> Man says Dad's hand hurt from nervousness. Go to rummage sales, first one
> in school, second one nice things from the 60's. [Dad was in the Mayo
> Clinic within a week after we got married in 1972 with internal bleeding
> from too much aspirin -- vomiting coffee grounds and he wanted to wait
> until morning, but Jean made him go to emergency and he would have been
> dead by morning. the stress of volunteering to take/pay everyone's dinner
> after the (oldest daugher, first wedding) ceremony might have pushed him
> over the edge on stress he had from organizing the union at work and he
> got an attack of arthritis at 41 in various joints over his body. Col Joe
> May was removed later for using the National Guard plane for personal
> trips to see his girlfriend in Florida -- which the Tarot cards predicted
> when I read them for Dad on an audit trip to the armory in Iowa City. I
> told him not to worry anymore, his enemy was the King of Cups reversed.]
>
> Things going very badly, I feel great agitation from some sort of
> loss -- like separation. Then this loss turns into the disappearance of
> my sister and Mom. J asks why this bothers me and I relate the number of
> days they've been gone and fear that they've been raped and kinapped
> (sic). Then my father dies -- I think about Reverend Humble's prediction
> about three of my relatives dying. Betty Thompson gets taken away, I
> think she walks into the distance and disappears. Then Mom and Sandy show
> up bringing Benji who they'd taken to be castrated, even roughly handling
> the empty testacles -- making them flap in the breeze and bleed. I become
> furious, say that now he'll remain immature. He says something about the
> doctor thinking it was a good idea. Then I'm sitting in the porch looking
> out at the scenery and Jeanette and Gerald come in and she pours orange
> juice concentrate on my jeans and says, "there's my $2." I scoop up some
> and smear it in her face. In a few minutes she's back saying that it's
> the best for our friendship/scripts -- couldn't have survived without this
> incident. I float out the door. [The script we were working on was a
> sit-com about the Puritans -- called 99% Pure.]
>
> Sitting by road, Grandma's, man comes by and has car trouble. I
> think he's trying to pick me up. He asks if there is an open house.
> There's one right across the road behind some trees and raspberries in the
> ditch. My hair is cut. I tell the girl next door that it is by her
> influence that I cut it. [Terri lost weight in high school, didn't look
> that much different.] [when I worked at Sierra Rubber one young
> receptionist blamed everything on the girl next door, like I did on Terri
> and Ralph, my imaginary friend -- Terri really did tell me to throw my
> sister's silver hairbrush down the outhouse.]
>
> Joye decides she doesn't want to live or come out here
> (California). Steve's mom wants to move here but his dad is afraid the
> car will bottom out on Mt Everest. Steve says they gave us their
> screwdriver so they probably couldn't make it. "they wouldn't even have a
> screwdriver." Bruce moves into a fancy highrise at the beach. [Bruce
> moved into an old warehouse in Santa Monica, partitioned into artist
> apartments run by a moody Chinese guy who built a arty two inch by two
> foot wide planter with bluegrass in it and put it outside Bruce's door and
> then let it die. He would tell Bruce his moods were a "Chinese thing" he
> couldn't understand.] Get off bus at library, classes over, I feel free,
> find agates on the floor and pick them up for girl with her boyfriend.
> Go by large mansion inherited by young artists, large windows, open
> shelves for paper and lot of clothes stuffed in closet -- not attractive.
> Another part of the house connected by a narrow walkway with wax museum -
> figures move -- one a bride and groom, two old ladies. A second part to
> this museum -- servants. Talk about how to do it. I say they wait until
> they're dead, don't they. Person doesn't answer that, says that some
> people describe it as people who die and come back. Middle aged blond
> woman says Bruce's art is no good, but she says she doesn't know when
> she's projecting. I walk up to her and put my face in hers and say, and
> talking to young men. [Bruce (assemblagist) said my assemblages were
> merely pretty and had no substance.] Stomach surrounded by O6 zeams.
> Film making company comes to Dad's, I have a part which entails polka dot
> pajamas. At Mom's house, somehow I split my face into two by means of
> dividing the hair between the necks and decide to take pictures of the
> two faces. However, I need help to do this, get confused about the
> technique.
>
> Talking to Cinda -- mouse broke pipe on New Years -- Rota Rooter
> coming in box, no body bag (garbage). Taking care of kids, parents come
> but leave right away. We fry things in pans on table that heats up. Box
> of glasses, water glasses that ring and sparkle. Turn colors, mainly
> blue, gray. Mom says she might get them as a gift later. Woman on TV
> beautiful -- 115 pounds, then fat older woman. Scales fall out of TV and
> I get on -- 130 pounds, TV says, this is fat. Nice secondhand clothes
> being sold at high prices at a high school, out on the roof, there is
> furniture. Linda Arnold and dad are there. [Mr. Arnold hired me to work
> at Pioneer corn company in high school. Linda walked just like him and
> was thin, her mom was a fat little beautitian -- had a chair in their
> porch in their house.] The earth is ancient, so it has been used over and
> over -- has writing in pieces of earth. I quickly carve something to
> pacify J -- has flecks of green in it like her eyes.
>
> In bus, I cry. War taking little kids POW -- divide them up into
> ethnic or lingo. Black people at Mom's -- she is reading Alice in
> Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass. Outside, she peels corn to look
> at it, calves are sleek and shining. Shirley has blouse unbuttoned,
> breasts small, not big like real. She has a baby boy and is brest
> feeding, says milk is yellow, creamy. I walk down a college street to
> check traffic, leave my art book. Run for blocks -- three women with very
> muscular legs running ahead of me. I get a scrape on my foot. Later at
> Mom's, walk through mud, scrape has turned brown and looks more like a
> birthmark. My voice is stronger, J says she doesn't hear any difference
> [J says my script is no good.] Steve just comes home to get his coat --
> going to a party, comes home, talking on phone, I leave. Put flour in a
> large bottle under a light to keep it fresh [I went on a diet and ate only
> a bowl of oranges one day and salad every other day.] House with window
> in roof, barbwire across sidewalk, teachers figuring out pantomime
> routines. They cut your body and change your teacher. At school holding
> Ana, make a magic circle around her, very tired, naptime over, people all
> come at once after their kids. Bert's (3) dad complaining about two
> monkey's on his back, in trucking business [I asked if his wife was
> pregnant again, she was, Bert was sent to military school.] Then driving
> around a curve in Iowa City, lots of bicycles, two women in white make-up,
> then some in bikinis -- pantomime class. they apologize for getting in
> the way and Betty gives a lectue on driving. Get in car and I drive
> uphill, then change my mind and back downhill and go down lane to farm --
>

> say, do you want to get out or come with me. Car won't stop, I say, see
> it won't stop when you're dreaming. We're on a long stretch of dirt road
> with dirty brown water at the end. I throw my high heeled sandals on the
> water and then rescue them as they sink -- seven drift away. Dark haired
> woman helps me, says, is water deep -- sometimes it looks deep and
> sometimes it doesn't, gives me a little box of pretty rocks and buttons
> she's collected off the shore. I start off again, tell the woman we're
> going back to try the hill but then notice off at the left a ritual set up
> for the female religion -- white branches of a plant. I ask if sage, she
> says, no shadow -- it must be right then. We need the pyramid which I
> have nearby and start to set it up over the table at which there will be
> eight people. We need legs but can only find three. A man is helping but
> is rather short and brisk commenting -- but holds one of the legs.
> Examiner tells women to enter office, has to pick three people. Man and I
> on bus, get off -- we have to work together on something. We move to
> California and then right back to Iowa, better trailer on the ocean.
> Windows all around and ocean breaks right in door. Live there with Mom,
> two sisters (without swords) and a young crazyish guy. Mom decides one
> has to go -- crazy guy. I say, why not me? He says he'd like a place
> with warm water anyway. Ask if she wants help with bills. She wants a
> gold shower curtain, rug and bathrobe. She is large and heavy set, people
> come by eating TV dinner cakes. Driving/walking downtown with my sister.
> J is there in a full-length fur coat. We find out some people are
> Rosicrucians. I end up doing the dishes, they all go upstairs. There is
> a fine of $90 each for laughing in sanctum. Others had party there --
> cake decorated like a desert. I practice going through town followed by
> siblings. Man goes to pay the fine, man with three boys eat lunch on the
> stairs and laugh at me. turquoise rings for sale. Car parked in front of
> Gabe and Walkers -- jeep that has been driven until tires disintegrated.
> [Mom told me in 1978 that my brother was acting crazy, she told me to
> watch out for blond men, they're crazy.]
>
> Walking around, see demonstration of boulder falling, first
> speculate which way -- then it actually falls, but bounces around all the
> way up a cliff then down into a valley. In the valley are a woman and boy
> -- the boulder becomes a giant blond snake which reaches down and eats a
> rabbit, then scoops five owls out of the air (guide says maybe he'll give
> them to us). Then opens mouth wide and eats a flock of birds. Snake
> becomes larger and larger, then birds begin flying out the other end --
> snake becomes a large tube. Go to building with burn your draft card
> notices on it. Then go into house where Frank Zappa and another couple
> live. Upstairs are a couple in bed, they are feuding with about the dishes
> and toilet -- they wash them in the toilet. They tell me to sit down, but
> I look around. Cinnamon red hots lollipop. I look around, front porch
> has plants in sun. Olav and man come, I frighten them off -- put on
> leather pants with tassel. On other porch see ocean, huge waves and
> smaller ones. A blond woman I'm drawing suddenly gets twice as tall
> (stands up) and is a giant blond man with a bear chest. At Dad's, look at
> poems which have a jar of white pistachios in water. The first one is no
> good -- very thick book of them -- lots of things germinating in glases of
> water. Come out of drawing class and it becomes apparent that they people
> draw in the nude. Terri and I at classes, upholstery, measure the pieces,
> see lots of skinny women, see their Christmas cards. I'm taking a
> class, sitting cross legged on a stool, some science majors there and we
> talk about astronomy, physics, oceanography -- lively discussion.
>
> Kids spill crayons all over ground, which is gravel and turns to
> ice. Streaks of light go to Russia -- a little house, person won't open
> door. Furry man stabbed in chest with knife. "Just what I want on the
> front of my 40 Ford." Going on a pilgrimage with another woman and a
> little girl (carry her.) Chew banana and my legs turn to chewed bananas.
> We only have ten more minutes, leave from school. Little girl says she
> knows where spring is -- but she doesn't. "Go straight" she says -- we
> end up on an ancient golf course, ancient tractor. The Armenian machines,
> between them they ran the defending machines into the ground. Kid's song
> -- something about men, you sing and things happen in your life -- vitamin
> B sticks to your chin/ face, miniature men stick to your face. Grandma
> acts like she doesn't know me, has a white sports car. On pilgrimage --
> little kids keep getting in my way. Ski village, woman dressed in green,
> thirty billion and one million. Dreams written down, very detailed
> conversations that I hadn't seen. Talking to man with heart trouble -- he
> says he knows he has to make his heart beat faster -- acted like fish.
> Little glowing points of color. Sissy, someone pushes me up -- face to
> face with her and says, you're a Sissy aren't you? I think they mean I
> look like Sissy Spacek. I say redheads used to be sacrificed so there
> weren't any. Then trying to get into classes, two are Chinese writers and
> Blake. Later there's a rainstorm and we're sitting in a row under our
> coats. Sissy comes back and gets under my coat, then woman's next to
> mine, which is plastic, as is her dress. [Grandpa got a pacemaker and
> then colon cancer after getting a new battery, died about 1992 at around
> age 85, now Grandma is 85 and she can barely remember her kids, no one
> else.]
>
> I go to a place, is Van Meter school. Look around, new gym is very
> lumpy small open to air on one side. Play basketball with a radish for
> the ball. J comes in and talks about feminism -- feminist party
> downstairs. Someone called a cop a pig and got arrested -- Governor
> Street. There are all kinds of farm machinery in a row (I drive and pick
> road). John Tinker picks a machine and suggests I make bread. Man begins
> making blue brownies with blue chips. J comes up and cries and says
> that's why she hates beauty and will I let her into the poetry world.
> Something is wrong with scripts -- she has withdrawn them from the agent.
> getting gas in bikini, red skin, sunburned. New kid, book about
> Christmas. Sheep and goat, goat can run faster, but sheep is tricky and
> gets away (also dog but it disappears after awhile). Finally the goat
> catches the sheep, but becomes a man -- catches the sheep by the hind legs
> in one hand, now looks more like a small rabbit, and shoots her in the
> head. Plant dies from being put in cupboard. Steve and I go to a
> restaurant where his sister is the cook, makes dish like wheat berries
> wrapped in square of spaghetti. Native women dancing while they beat up
> man, they are in a row, first two do the beating. He is a person on whom
> they projected animus. I fuck a black guy several times. School, I clean
> a lot, kids wild, lots of teachers, MJ has a boat and says we could take
> them out on the ocean. Arrange books by color, three yellow, three green
> -- decide to read them on yellow or green days.
>
> I'm in a forest. A mother deer goes off to eat and leaves its baby
> -- she jumps into a cornfield. The baby turns into a monkeylike thing
> which I gain the confidence of -- it eats out of my hand. I take a
> picture of it and it turns into Shawna, turns into me as a kid. Waiting
> at corner, see four little kids on tricycles waiting to get onto a busy
> highway. I decide to take over the job of the bus driver (he isn't there)
> to take them home. I stop at the first house and the woman tells Mom that
> the school board doesn't like something she's done and she should have
> quit. The vehicle changes to a bicycle with wagon, we are living in a
> room with roll-up garage doors on two sides -- there are papers,
> magazines, bank book, glasses in the wagon.
>
> Art class, fat woman teaches -- do busts of Nefertiti. Music
> playing, I dance in hall. [Bruce did a series of Nefertiti assemblages,
> repainting their headdresses to modern fabrics -- show in the museum in
> German where the original is owned in 2000.] Camp, lots of women here.
> Two men, one tells the other to pretend it's cold, then puts handcuffs on
> him and tells him to be quiet for a certain time. Also has gun, but
> breaks it up. Powerful guy who has men working for him, their feet have
> dehydrated into flat flaps. He's stolen their homes from them. One from
> Kansas, the Indies. Next he marries a woman and brings her there with
> another woman who advises her. He says that he's going to another country
> soon -- alone on a trip. One of the men, a doctor, says that he's
> leaving, when he says that the others' feet puff out again. Guy says,
> wait a minute, you can't do without me -- half of your patients would have
> died. Walking up hill behind Mom's house, a huge brown lion on top of the
> hill. It bounds up to me. I drop to the ground, wonder what to do --
> feel I should grab hold of it, but I say a mantra and it runs away. At
> school, MJ's husband comes, he's a short, stocky dark guy (really sandy
> hair, partner in a law firm). someone says that "Jim" kicks the most about
> paying my salary. MJ says she's been reading something bout Free Will.
> On hillside at Van Meter -- loan tent to two boyscouts, when they give it
> back, only the front left side is left, the rest of the tent pieces are
> assembled nearby. MJ helps me remove it.
>
> The old neighbors have moved to California too. Two red cars have
> run into each other. We walk up a steep mountain, I feel tired, but can
> climb. Lots of things in car in paper bags, Ana, Dee and Justin come
> along, they are covered with May flies and show me. [At a basketball
> summer league in the 80's at Loyola University, I felt so tired I could
> barely walk up to a seat in the bleachers, felt like the life had drained
> out of me -- later a basketball player died right on that spot.] Walking
> towards Mom's -- I stop to look at some bachelor's buttons/double chicory
> and a black snake/white stomach crawls into my shoe/thong. I walk on it
> lightly (I think) for awhile, but when I take it out, it's smashed. A
> young guy comes along, then a middle aged woman with a gun who tells us to
> take off our clothes and drive her somewhere, then she wants money. Guy
> is hiding his. I hide $5. In his truck, which is sitting there, there
> seems to be a lot of money under the floor mat. I drive oof through deep
> snow to look for the town marshal. The girl's dorm overlooks the pool and
> an amusement park. Cheryl Clark complains because the three mattresses
> she gave me I gave away when I moved. I tell her she can have a 3/4 one
> someone gave me. She says she's decided to go straight, go to college and
> really study. [Cheryl had a terrible time getting pregnant and then her
> daughter committed suicide at about 20.]
>
> Devin (cerebral palsy, used to tug on his penis when frustrated -- 4
> years old, redhead) and Scott (can't walk, can't talk) driving me crazy in
> study hall. I take them into hall for walk, see Jim Rinard, he calls me
> Dorothy. Then by office, Judy or Sharon Rinard -- ask them about
> something escapist. [All in high school when I was in kindergarten.]
> Then I have to go to work, later go to school, pleading temporary
> insanity. MJ pulling up hearts on calendar (parents' visit). I strangle
> her -- smrt remark about bus. One kid had to have eight stitches, whole
> head. Locked in at school -- Betty locking front but not back. Judy
> pulling fast one to get Grandma a fancy house, others say she'll be
> caretaker. [Army Corp of Engineers confiscated Grandma's farm to build a
> dam on. Judy has ended up with Grandma -- in her own apartment, her two
> sons couldn't handle her anymore.] Dad fixing the exhaust of a car. I
> pick boysenberries off the bushes along there and give to each person
> who's there. [Bataan Death March, Filipina pregnant women offering food
> to the marching soldiers had her baby ripped out with a bayonet by
> Japanese guard.] Sandy kisses my face all over very fast and I say I hate
> her. She stole lots of my things, some given to her. Try to get her to
> say she hates me also, but she shrinks away from saying it. Go home, Dad
> had all the buildings re-painted, yard fixed, tools all sold. [Dad and
> Jean lifted house and put in new basement in 1978, sold the house and had
> an auction for the other stuff like tools, moved into an RV later in the
> 1990s.] Go to Mom's old farm -- [we called "the 40" (acres) -- Dad's farm
> had 100 acres, they each took one farm in the divorce.] Mom is fixing the
> 40 too. Very large rooms that were Sandy's and mine, Sandy's she is
> turning into a boudoir and mine into a place to grow incense. Sandy's is
> bigger, has a mirror at one end, I look beautiful in the mirror. Mine has
> nice built in shelves along one whole wall where they are storing scenery
> for plays they are going to do. [Sandy and Gary tore down the old house
> and built a log cabin from a kit in the late-80's.] There is a mother cat
> and four dying kittens in there, it connects to Sandy's room with screen
> between. The kittens are orange. In another dream of cats it said that
> cats and closets don't mix -- the cats shit on the shelves and make holes
> for rats to come in -- one thing cats and rats have in common, they make
> holes. Go back to Sandy's room, now it has shelves too, but larger and
> brown. She says that she hated the mirror and slept on the shelves before
> she got a bed -- also some little boys. Shirley asks about some kind of
> bath. Sandy is going on a trip far away on a boat. Picture, person
> sitting on one chair with an advisor sitting on another chair across,
> flanked by a big sneaky man and a sneaky woman you can barely see. Oh
> those fashions, I hear cokes and noises and fashions all day. Invisible
> friend and Peachie the cat makes holes for rats. I hear bright laughter
> blossoming in the stairway. Archaeology trip with Paul and a woman.
> Taking care of kid whose parents never come home. Steve backs down road.
> Steve and I are walking along highway 90. We each have a bag of dope,
> very large, which we try to hide under our jackets. We have backpacks.
> We are going to Dad's, turn on Grandma's road just as it begins snowing
> very hard. The first hill is the North road, straight up -- very steep.
> I begin climbing it, the snow is heavy and wet and you cna get footholds,
> but look up and decide to walk up on six to the other road. Bryan
> Jennings appears with a red Volkswagon, the back wheels have been spun
> until the tires are completely worn off. We try to decide which way they
> spin naturally. It is the opposite ways for Steve and I -- me forwards,
> Steve backwards. Steve becomes Sandy. I'm taller, go first when trying
> things.
> 3/5/77 My sisters planting a garden in a shed at Grandma's --
> using sand. Sand snakes letter. Call me Tennessee ruled in or out.
> There is a notice on the door, sand from Des Moines is not fertile, no
> good for growing plants. Go to bathroom, all dressed up to go meet lawyer
> with three page thing -- something to do with scripts. Floor turns to
> straw, very large furry spiders appear, then lots of small thin snakes.
> You can't move without stepping on them. I have large boots like I used
> on the farm for walking through mud and manure, so I'm not afraid.
>
> Betty/Lori Nuzom talks to librarian/police about my library card
> which she borrowed and returned to police. Police had to take it back to
> library, so fine her fifty cents. She argues. Had to use mine because
> she's too undependable about reading and taking them back. Then I go back
> into bathroom and begin eating the fringe from a black chiffon dress --
> then decide I can't swallow it. ride in blue van, 125 miles per hour, me
> and three Jesus freaks. See guy in red golf-cart kind of thing pulling
> two wagons and a load of hay. Two manniquins, black clothes, wigs,
> plastic faces. He said they probably have red hair. Stopped by police,
> woman searches for crumbs. Go for walk, Iowa, go through school, row of
> phone booths. See huge books in a field -- called "briefs" -- get in the
> way of baseball. Then a croquet field, I eat my ball. Allan
> Manning/Kornblum, yellow ball, Mary Ann Radke, orange ball. Mine rolls by
> itself, black ball. Start neat science experiment, men also in room, I
> turn on the light.
>
> Get off an elevator on womens' clothes floor, look around. Leave,
> closing, and notice I have on a white dress with pink flowers, very
> flowing chiffon, look fat or pregnant -- take it back. Have to change in
> room with stalls, with officers that were veterans, Vietnam ones are all
> shot up, some on leashes. I decide to go out back and change. Orange
> chiffon dress, much too small, shrank; man in orange shirt chases me. I
> lie down on ground, make myself look like dirt -- shimmer when I know I've
> done it. Crawl through very small tunnel, pushing with feet. Car comes,
> I hide in bushes. Steve driving Mom's green truck. [When Sandy was 5 and
> I was 7 Mom sent us walking three miles to Van Meter to vacation Bible
> school. She said to hide in the ditch if a car came. We did that, but
> the car stopped -- old 50's car. The young woman (young guy driving) said
> she was from the church and I walked up to the car to asked if she had a
> cane -- Mrs. Jennings had polio and walked with a cane, she said she was
> the other teacher; Sandy screamed and ran. She asked me if Sandy had
> anything wrong with her and if Mom would miss her. Sandy needed thick
> glasses as soon as she started school and developed hard of hearing. I
> remember telling the woman she was blind and deaf and she said, where are
> her glasses. I said she forgot them.]
>
> Dad, kids (what I called my siblings) come to Iowa City to visit. I
> wait on corner -- 3:00. Bank clock says 5-6. Sandy says I'll have to
> iron a shirt and then they'll start right back. I run away, over
> unfinished building. Dad catches up with me and talks nice. [1978, I am
> picked up by paramedics on the beach and won't talk or open my eyes, so
> they take me to the hospital where some young kid and security guard do
> the "pain test" on my sternum. When I open my eyes, the clock says 3 PM,
> but the psychiatrist calls Steve's work (I can't remember year, month, day
> or president -- but I work at a daycare, but I remember his phone number
> at work or the name of the place) and it's closed. The clock was stopped
> at 3 PM but it was 6 PM.] Visit Sandy, her cupboard full of sugar candy.
> She is selling something, or this is J with phone bill. Mom's house, a
> guy with an Italian accent (looks like Grandpa, he had slicked back black
> hair like an Italian, but he was Irish). I keep watching the clock --
> it's midnight. The phone rings, it's Sandy's/J's agent, she's sold
> something, has to sign, later maybe will go on tour. [Mom said grandpa
> molested the boys and the girls.]
>
> With some artist men, they get ahead of me. I try to run across
> street but carloads of macho men make me wait while they go first. I hear
> them calling me a kid, something about ugly. I feel like crying, go home.
> Moving again, packing stuff from Dad's to move back to Mom's, feel sad.
> Grandma asks about the shawl she made me. I tell her I save it for good
> [doctor said she had breast cancer in her 60s and cut them both off,
> slowest growing tumor he'd seen in 15 years, he said, so I'm afraid I'll
> get her cancer germs, plus I'm allergic to polyester now.] First time fun,
> lots accomplished. Going for the second time to 164th street where J and
> her dad wait, we are practicing something.
>
> Girl named Sheila White (dark hair) comes over with bill for $74
> delivered to her for a charge at a science convention; food, entry, some
> purchase. She leaves, little girl with her, wearing white cotton pants,
> carrying her mother's blue jeans with embroidery on them. Her
> husband/father (old) is outside in his old 50's blue truck. He says, "I'm
> glad all of us don't have to live like this in this age." Then he
> mentions some minor bad housekeeping. It was raining when they went out,
> next dream the rivers are up. I'm walking, go across a silver bridge --
> the river is perfectly flat and only a foot or two below the bridge. A
> voice says, no. On the other side it's now dark and a carful of black
> guys yell at me. I scream and they jump into the back seat and throw out
> sand. I'm very tired by the time I get there, can hardly walk. [John
> Keel wrote a book, Mothman, about a Silver Bridge between W Virginia and
> Ohio. There were mysterious phone calls that told him about a disaster,
> Christmas presents floating in a river, and then the bridge collapsed
> during rush hour Christmas Eve and presents were floating in the Ohio
> River. A giant moth man with red eyes flew over people's cars.]
>
> I call Bruce, but I do all the talking and don't know if anyone is
> there -- tell funny stories. Food I started -- milk and eggs in a bowl,
> at place where I went to meet J, I could have driven instead of walking.
> At an art gallery, go out on deck over water, throw piece of apple, woman
> comments, "too hard."
>
> Go to Margaret's -- outside on hillside, she is moving, has a
> rapidograph and something else for sale, I buy them. She says they were
> on the sensor/censor. I walk a long ways to a beautiful old house where
> Margaret lives in the attic. One half of the house is owned by her aunt
> and is furnished with antiques. In Margaret's part, she talks about
> copying recipes. She is getting married to a wealthy career man and
> moving to West Los Angeles. I walk into a room where Steve is talking to
> a whole row of young boys about philosophy to tell him that I will be up
> on the roof washing dishes alone. The scene is beautiful -
> plants/outdoors. A tall woman with dark hair begins to complain very fast
> because I was flirting with her boyfriend while we were eating. I tell
> her to slow down, I can't hear her and hug her, apologize, she has a
> hard-on, is a man. Asks, how do you feel about me now. I laugh and say,
> no. [Margaret's mom was a CPA and bought her two daughters a farm for
> $25,000 -- Greg moved in and a lot of others who planted trees along the
> freeway, vegetarians. they had goats. Margaret quit Dumdum and started
> the Free Lunch restaurant, serving soup and homemade bread, in a Catholic
> church, it was a coop too -- you could work or pay. Margaret told me
> several dreams -- Greg was a vampire and she had to put a stake in his
> chest (stake between them), her mom and grandmother sinking into mud ahead
> of her as she pushed them in a wheelchair, and about her three imaginary
> ducks when she was a kid and would cry if her mom shut the door before
> they all got in.]
>
> We have our own toilet bureau instead of water bureau. Thinking
> about having sensor instead of refrigerator. [2000 -- LA politicians
> talking about using recycled toilet water for drinking water everywhere in
> LA except the rich cities like Beverly Hills.]
>
> Go to a doctor with lots of other girls. We have to go to the
> bathroom first, in front of everyone. I do so, and then go into a private
> one. A boy comes into the next stall and says, "why do you have all these
> girls here, doc?" In the third one, a girl lies -- maybe dead, people try
> to pick her up. I go and sit on the blanket, there were slides while I
> was in the bathroom. I have my diaphram in. Sprouting jar, large holes
> for water to come out. Talk about how good they are for you.
>
> Dots, dots turn into spider on large white-haired woman's neck. She
> sits up and says, I can't teach people who don't care about people.
> Little girl told she'll go with the one's (one year olds). She's in the
> supply closet. Jackie finds her, opens door.
>
> Chuck Miller threatening to kill Jon Sjoberg. I talk him into
> running in woods. We were going on walk, but I couldn't find shoes.
> Reach place where we frighten cow -- in house. Another old mansion is
> about to be joined to the first building. Children playing, old clothes.
> Dad says woman says they're reorganizing the guard and lots of 45 year
> olds may have to go, he says she will also go. [Two malls joined at Del
> Amo -- marriage of the malls. Dad got involuntary retirement age 52, from
> the Iowa National Guard (technition) April 30, 1983 and I was hired by the
> Air Force the next day, May 1, 1983, but I didn't know it until later.
> He couldn't drill anymore because of fhe arthritis. Grandpa also quit his
> job in his 50's as supervisor at Pittsburgh Des Moines Steel (pipe
> cutting) because of gallbladder attack.]
>
> Woman saying she'll do Steve's poetry book but she'll pick the poems
> and categories. Steve and I moving from trailer, boat springs leak, needs
> shock. Bob and Shelley there, I get left, water very fast. I follow for
> awhile with two year old boy, but get chased back by the water.

Feb - May 1977 continued

Steve in place, comes back and says they saw Jesus. He was with God but when someone came up he didn't expect worship. God was just a Chinese guy. This seriously changes things for the world. In motel writing a card, voice says, "don't waste time on vacation writing long letters". Card and package from Jean, wet dough stuff on ice cream sticks, card signed, "civilly." See Steve's aura, there's a black smudge and pale streaks of pink coming out of his head. We plan to take the bus part way, but something goes wrong and now we have to drive. Swimming, pulled into dam, but just a water fall -- another one downstream, I swim to shore. In Iowa at a gas station, Jon, Pat, woman have steaks. I sing to kids [I'm tone deaf, almost never sing except occasionally in my head.] The way for me to be funny is to wear a mask. 3/4 size mattress J has -- she got it from her mother.

Darkness At Noon - going out for lunch at a job, noon, it is already as dark as night. I wonder if the earthquake will be that night. J and I talking about what work to do on Thursday, what to do if it rains. We are standing at a crossroads where a road ends in a T. A little boy points out some cars coming very fast -- J is sitting in our car, she had been in an accident recently in the dream, off the road. The cars go straight, I try to dodge the flying cars, see one hit ours from the rear. Miraculously, none hit me. I go around seeing if people are okay. In one car is a large number of immigrant looking people. They say they're okay and drive off, the driver's head is leaning back at a 90 degree angle though, he looks seriously hurt. In another car is a woman with three newborn babies. One is dead, she seems cheerful, says, "this one looks the best." Nurse comes and touches it with gloves on and its flesh peels off a little like cooked chicken. Jeannette is now a blond with a tube top, very muscular, she says she's okay, is doing pirouettes, two men watching her. At Linda Arnold's house,gathering up stuff to leave. Their house has become a mess. See old woman who helped Mary outside door, gardening large field area of wet adobe (raining). In a house, a fat man (Mack from Mary Hartman) comes in. I sneak around, he hears. I jump out and say "boo".
[LInda Arnold had a slumber party in about our sophomore year of high school and invited all the girls in the class. Her mom ran a one chair beauty parlor in their porch. They had a ouija board at the party and Terri told me that she pushed the planchette to make it say that Linda was going to have 13 kids. She told me it had said for me to watch for a man whose name began or ended with "E" and that I was going to have either zero or a lot of kids -- most men's names end with e -- Joey, Johnnie, Markie, Mikey, Rickie, etc.-- ouiji boards kid around with you.]

A large new mansion, run by women and some men -- all living there. Girl upstairs who keeps the lights from working. She says the fuse box is too dirty, complicated -- had an Arab guy look at it. She's in Shirley's room. Mom throws her rocking chair downstairs, it has shirts nailed onto the arms. I start to pick it up and fix it but a man in the next room says he could scare her with a dirty book about a ghost and now I'm afraid to go in there. Two teams, UCLA, USC -- one has a woman and they win. I'm walking to the beach, have to cross the landing field of the airport. A part of a garden -- woman carrying it away because it's done. I don't think so, would have kept work

Feb - May 1977 continued

Steve in place, comes back and says they saw Jesus. He was with God but when someone came up he didn't expect worship. God was just a Chinese guy. This seriously changes things for the world. In motel writing a card, voice says, "don't waste time on vacation writing long letters". Card and package from Jean, wet dough stuff on ice cream sticks, card signed, "civilly." See Steve's aura, there's a black smudge and pale streaks of pink coming out of his head. We plan to take the bus part way, but something goes wrong and now we have to drive. Swimming, pulled into dam, but just a water fall -- another one downstream, I swim to shore. In Iowa at a gas station, Jon, Pat, woman have steaks. I sing to kids [I'm tone deaf, almost never sing except occasionally in my head.] The way for me to be funny is to wear a mask. 3/4 size mattress J has -- she got it from her mother.

Darkness At Noon - going out for lunch at a job, noon, it is already as dark as night. I wonder if the earthquake will be that night. J and I talking about what work to do on Thursday, what to do if it rains. We are standing at a crossroads where a road ends in a T. A little boy points out some cars coming very fast -- J is sitting in our car, she had been in an accident recently in the dream, off the road. The cars go straight, I try to dodge the flying cars, see one hit ours from the rear. Miraculously, none hit me. I go around seeing if people are okay. In one car is a large number of immigrant looking people. They say they're okay and drive off, the driver's head is leaning back at a 90 degree angle though, he looks seriously hurt. In another car is a woman with three newborn babies. One is dead, she seems cheerful, says, "this one looks the best." Nurse comes and touches it with gloves on and its flesh peels off a little like cooked chicken. Jeannette is now a blond with a tube top, very muscular, she says she's okay, is doing pirouettes, two men watching her. At Linda Arnold's house,gathering up stuff to leave. Their house has become a mess. See old woman who helped Mary outside door, gardening large field area of wet adobe (raining). In a house, a fat man (Mack from Mary Hartman) comes in. I sneak around, he hears. I jump out and say "boo".
[LInda Arnold had a slumber party in about our sophomore year of high school and invited all the girls in the class. Her mom ran a one chair beauty parlor in their porch. They had a ouija board at the party and Terri told me that she pushed the planchette to make it say that Linda was going to have 13 kids. She told me it had said for me to watch for a man whose name began or ended with "E" and that I was going to have either zero or a lot of kids -- most men's names end with e -- Joey, Johnnie, Markie, Mikey, Rickie, etc.-- ouiji boards kid around with you.]

A large new mansion, run by women and some men -- all living there. Girl upstairs who keeps the lights from working. She says the fuse box is too dirty, complicated -- had an Arab guy look at it. She's in Shirley's room. Mom throws her rocking chair downstairs, it has shirts nailed onto the arms. I start to pick it up and fix it but a man in the next room says he could scare her with a dirty book about a ghost and now I'm afraid to go in there. Two teams, UCLA, USC -- one has a woman and they win. I'm walking to the beach, have to cross the landing field of the airport. A part of a garden -- woman carrying it away because it's done. I don't think so, would have kept working on it. Light on it, old guy not taken hostage. Buses all either off duty or have miscarriages in them. Hitler very good, joking, photographic. Lose the car in Iowa City, woman take me in van (also family) down mountain. Then walking through rocks, lots of spiders "they try to grab you," the women ahead say. In a canyon that could have a flash flood. Marcia Rehbein tries to catch an unusual one by a fan or propeller using a monkey from a cage. At family reunion, people come in while I'm having sex and I get up an start making pizza. A large dam, I've just come out of a building that has plains or meadows for floor -- one a tunnel. Nathan's job for summer is to take care of it. Grandpa and another man come up to congratulate me on my writing but grab my underpants. Grandma wears short shorts and a vest, no blouse. Trying to buy presents for Royal (Judy's son I babysat for the summer when I was 15 and lived with them) -- kid of aristocrats. He wants a sketch pad and foreign food but they are all messed up, food in flower pot, long lines.
Voice, "you don't do this when you use the diaphram." Criminal element assigned to hold flower plants.

I decide to kill Mom and do so when two men leave the room (cut throat). She picked on me, fertilizer for garden, thought it would improve things. Cook her on stove. He comes back and it wasn't a good idea. Gradually what I've done sinks in -- feelings for mother, the person who gave you life. I cry, say, "all I did was." Then the person I killed is Bob Bassett, the neighbor's kid, but he didn't die -- he is on a mattress for a long time and then he recovers and starts to leave looking back at me. I go after him and kiss him, he kisses me and is happy thinking I'm going with him. I tell him that I tried to kill him and does he understand we can't be together. He lies on a couch delirius, I catch a few words -- one ugly, no one else will want her. I ask it that's why he liked me? He says, "no, I am the most beautiful person he loved."

People hurry too much because of the second hand. J says script people called and they want samples, she bought pink, blue white broadcloth. But it is orange, yellow, green. Thin beautiful women. Swimming pool with warm water -- MJ lives next door, has waterfalls. I keep getting up there to go swimming, but don't. Water, can see cross section in diving, so go alot deeper than when think just about surface.

I drive down a long wet driveway with large rocks -- I drive slowly. At bottom, find out there's a wedding and start dragging a large white cat up a ladder, up a hill. It scratches, but I persist. I lock it in the room where the wedding will be and lock it in. Then an old lady comes -- it's her cat and I feel guilty -- the cat is prowling around distraught in the room. It changes from white to black. I open the door to let it go -- but now it's on the offensive. I decide to kill it, now there are two, a black and a white. I hold them both down and step on their throats and think about smashing their heads with my wooden shoes. They both appear dead -- they have exchanged colors except that the white one is faint orange and they each have streaks of the other's colors -- the black one from the mouth. Sandy comes out and holds the black one and says it's still breathing -- she's happy. I take it and it stretches its neck out over the sink, so I cut it and blood and water rushes out for a long time. Then both cats really are dead and I put them in a sack to throw away, they stink.

Go to lunch room with my two sisters, or fresh fruit with whipped cream. I want white grapes -- guy smashes mixture of wild purple grapes and white ones. I have no money, call to kids. They say they have none, Sandy finally brings me nickel and some pennies. After all that, guy says, "no charge." Go home through a cornfield and families playing a complicated airball game of cooperation. Get there, Mom and girls are in bed, they went on a junk food binge. Oven is still on, I take out pans - which are empty, and I complain. Oven on all night, but cookies still not done [oven in Larch house stopped working]. voice says, "good" -- oven won't turn off, I fear. Some questions whether possible. Little kid comes in and says, guess what in hand? It's a tiny baby mouse -- brown. I open the basement door to see where found it -- points out board in handrail. Cat come -- the mother is white with a yellow head and makes a daring rescue of the baby. The cats attempt to catch the mice, but the mice are extremely quick and intelligent -- although the cats are also extremely quick and intelligent. There are more, both colors. Children's book -- a person sees an old house, very over-grown and weedy and sees potential in it. Dad driving truck, my brother, half brother and I in back with a hippopottamus, trying to keep out of its way. Chuck chases it and it jumps out onto the bank -- gets very small. Dad says to put it somewhere you don't have to move it. Fire under bank of grass in teh yard -- very large, burn a long time. All kinds of cleaning dreams, get the dirt off things. Shirley comes to see what I'm doing, she's making a picture with a series of templates. Writing a story, ask another girl to help me -- but the deadline for mailing it is noon Saturday and we can't finish it. She writes three pages to go in the middle.

Conflict of interests, leaving my post. Across the street from our house is a beautiful empty house with large mirror, fireplace, planter in kitchen, green carpets. J has rented it and has the key, I go in and see them going to a row apartment to eat supper with their neighbors. Some kids get into the house somehow -- large ones, 9 or 10 year olds. I chase them out, the woman from singing class watches the door so more won't get in. Vincent runs out into the street (later hear he got a head injury). I run across street also, hear Jackie's voice -- that a car had two dead people in it, and see a red sports car with two gray haired people in it. Then I'm at a government agency, room difficult to find, I have to wait, look for a phone to call MJ. I pop back in place to school and Jackie says she's leaving for lunch and the kids are there alone. I see that this is unavoidable and I will be fired. I anticipate the match of tempers with MJ. [MJs assistant quit over lack of health insurance and when she drove out the driveway she got in an accident.]

Allan and Cinda's -- it's been raining and water is on their mountain. I say I'll help get it out. cinda says it rushes through like a river, in both directions even, carrying her into other rooms. I want to try, as I wait on the edge of the cliff. I say I'm scared, the water comes and carries us into the other room, then continues down the mountain into a quiet pool down below where people are sitting. Clothes are gone now and I see my body --very white - climb through fence parallel to water. Fun to swim. Other people start to swim. Showing off. Man talks me into cutting my hair. Go to high school, basketball game. Then walk around school, there's a lot new --very long parking lot, circus type stuff along the edge of it, minks. Large nude women statues with wild hair. Sandy there too, like regular person on her little boy's third birthday -- she's getting a hysterectomy.

Joye comes in -- she's painted a color picture of a woman full length in green dress, in sections. Background only around head. In our "spot" -- light turned on and I see snakes. See three are poison. They are very still -- non-aggressive. Small dead fish on the beach. Living in motel, locks don't work. Sandy in large expensive house, then Steve. Men watching TV in driveway, wander through house. Then Steve is going to read poems about war with two nude women called Roses of Camp. His parents are here, Steve talks very melancholy about the past. Parents get ahead, go through library of history, then museum of natural history, maps of the USA, have sand dollars on the Midwest that cover whole states. We get separated, I'm in motel alone, then beautiful black woman comes in, beach boys follow her in. She's very sophisticated. Many old people too, guy playing record about train. Young leave, I kick out old. Put stuff away. Darrell comes in, tries to get me to cook supper for him. I want to go to Steve's reading but Darrell says he can only vaguely remember where it is. MJ runs movie house -- cartoons and cooking movie like S Bay night school. She makes you clean up afterwards. Go to library, I work there. J and G come and I have a blouse like Jean's won't go around me when I lie down. I tell J she has a Jeckell and Hyde personality at present [she is afraid she will never be successful as a writer.]

On a bus, get off -- a foreign guy grabs my ass. I punch him. He picks me up on his shoulders. Has two sons or friends. I grab window of bus and hold on. Man comes and beats them all up.
Steve's parents come -- give us white Volkswagon. Steve complains because not warmed up at first. My parents there. Steve says he preferred Iowa. Bob and Shelley come in white Volkswagon. George here also, he and I argue -- I tell B & S that it was because he wanted me to set a date for when I would send my assemblages and I couldn't . Jon Sjoberg brings two. We go to a Mexican restaurant in a street with a lot of nationalities. Then go on bus into country -- church on steep hill back where flood waters used to come to. Graves are on very steep hill. Shellley and I sit and watch high school girls. They take their clothes off right in front of people and head across a field with ditches full of water where the tide has come in and filled them. One girl has a monkey tail and wants to stick it up another girl's ass. We walk down path in direction they have gone after saying we could never do it -- afraid of water. The tide is still coming in and we turn back -- the tide hits us right after crossing a small bridge and sweeps us along the path. We follow the landmarks so we know where we are - find road. Miss one path, but continuing down road, find the Marina driveway where we used to live in Iowa. The tide is coming in even down there. The cabins are really beautiful, Victorian with antique furniture. Even the trailers are very nice. Door is ajar, nice shelves in bathroom and covered bench-shelf. In the kitchen is a small wood stove and a blue oven. HIt kitten on back of head -- lots of blood, didn't really hit it that hard.

Go to a dairy -- get into a lot with two bulls -- one black and one red. Many people killed trying to run. I stay at gate in center, changing sides, then one gets on each side. I calm them using my mind, but it move, breaks spell. A little girl comes and leads me into the barn, takes away all my clothes and gives me a plastic bag and a burlap bag to wear. There is a farmer and son, but no one points out my nakedness. Boy starts breaking eggs into carton -- some wild bird eggs. I am on a long hike with a group led by a boy. We hike up a mountain and then find the boy intends to continue over a very dangerous section --either over the top of a glacier or through a crack. I don't think we should unless we take mountain climbing lessons, but we do. Through snow, through the crack. Man held upside down under the water. Old man, Tin Lizzy instead of horse, she acts up for everyone else. In long house -- trying to put curlers in Shawna's hair, becomes Joyce Wilbanks. Mess, my pants fall down, dishes, mess everywhere. Cougar on the road -- I have to face it, not afraid but don't defeat it. Man behind me helping me. Cat in the backseat, I put it there, funny meow, crawls through seat. I say I'll have to be very careful so it doesn't bite me. It does. I kill it. Worry about rabies or tetanus. Doctor very patronizing, says he could continue to cut following the line of infection -- do you know what I'm going to say? I say, tetanus shot? Blood rebels in my inner elbow. Second doctor I've been to lately. Trying to put opposites together. Day before, someone has mother cat that has kittens. Thinks 2-3 but then uncover lots more in nest. I suggest they kill them while small -- drown them like you would in real life. Allan says he wants to publish my "second rate stuff" because they have more appeal to women and are more sensual (appeal to the senses and are descriptive). I say I won't consider it, deal is off, I'm happy. [Tracy Kidder, 1973, instructor in my fiction writing class at the U of Iowa said "no dreams". He wrote all non-fiction -- pulitzer for Soul of a New Machine later. I had a book of dreams published by a small press soon after -- 1974. Joe Haldeman was also in that class.] Children read while classical music plays (MJ on piano). Even two year olds examine pictures closely for a long time. Co-ed dorm with popular people from high school, Betty Thompson, I'm trying to put their phones and toothbrushes away but can't tell whose is whose because they are all blue. Try to guess on hand lotions by the type. Steal a barge -- like comedy movie. Person who rents out plots of the ocean. Shirley and I in back of truck -- going to field. I have on a triangular mask over my mouth. At Mom's - two scripts in green folder lying in field. I'm a horse and I've been saddled with love. I climb into adjoining field to work. Man's memoirs of prison called Life at the Palace. My sisters attack me in my room -- I strike towards Sandy's forehead and she gets weak. Ana is there and I take her downstairs. Whole family sleeps at Dad's house, then Mom's house, all in the same bed. Mom goes down to barn.

Basketball game in balcony. A giant woman comes out, then a giant man, who looks like Yul Brenner. Voice, they'd be a perfect couple. He says, "if you want to see us together, you'll have to visit our home." The woman accidentally stepped on a basketball player. At house, first woman on porch in brown velvet suit -- talking about it. There are some young men serving food. She says to me, "it won't be easy for you, since both of you are servants." I don't know who she's talking about. She says, "aren't you marrying Shelley?" I don't know who he is. Then the scene changes and a whole group of people are hanging out at a rich person's house. I read a long thing about Yeats and then there are bottles of essences and I put on rose, a brown dress and a shawl tied the way Shelley tied her's. The woman who owns the house goes into the bedroom to argue about clothes because she wants fancy ones.

In kitchen. Things for associated with scripts. Monkey in bag under desk. Prunes. People call. Man gets job at police station. Sandy insists she's taller than i am. I feel taller, stand back to back. I am by just a little bit. Girl talking, pennies come out of her mouth. Maia, tooth got stepped on, broken tooth (initiation). {Maia went to Christian school where Hawthorne policeman was shot in an ambush.]

Feb - May 1977 continued

Living in an attic, an old grandmother begins cleaning up. After awhile you can see the window. I am going to a "library" -- really a black girl's house for some books about art or philosophy of life. Something prevents this -- I get very bitter about women -- go home where my mother-in-law and grandma tells that Steve's parents had a family "Christmas" and his sister was prostrated by his poems. No one liked her presents even though she got what they said they wanted. Then she turns into Minnie, my Great Grandfather's young second wife and wants attention. We sit in the attic, the sun is shining and it gets quite hot. There are numerous seams in the floor and all kinds of notched corners in the ceiling also. Man leads to the basement, which is cool -- very large, only part of it developed into a room which overhangs a large pool of water with rocks. The rocks seem to be broken up pieces of concrete and the water doesn't seem to have fish. I get upset because all the women "dress" well except for me, get huffy about the books, like I'm dodging reading them -- everything. Then we start back to the attic in a jeep, open top, man driving. Lots of very large snakes are crossing the road, they are 5-6 feet long but a foot in diameter. They appear to be rattlesnakes, diamonds on them, but have no rattles. I point them out as possibly dangerous and the man begins running over them -- one he goes in a circle to run over it twice. It seems a shame since so many years went into their growth [really they're born two feet long]. When I think this, one bites me on the finger -- "gums" me. Man says not to worry, it's their meat that is poisonous. One reaches up and bites him on the ass. We return, and I've seen from a distance that Minnie has been fainting -- either for real or for attention and says someone is acting senile -- her step-son's mother-in-law. I expect her to charge neglect and am solicitous of her. She goes with us to the attic. It is now night and delightfully cool. I go with a black woman, beautifully dressed, who keeps looking at her nails, a contrast to me. She doesn't act like an old lady anymore, lights candles and a pipe and her boyfriend emerges from the corner and joins us. I feel threatened at first, but he's okay. We have a problem of world trade, there are four countries, three are USA, Japan, Germany. The US is a center of trade, trading both with Japan and Germany even though she doesn't want the products and Japan and German should logically conduct trade between themselves. We sit in the basement along the wall reading books. However, this wouldn't be good for the world because they might come up with something ruthless -- doesn't want to lose control. Something is keeping me from the books, seems to be college. The other girls are well dressed, I prefer the library, large stack of very attractive books. The well dressed black woman leads me to the attic, which is entered through a suburban, middle aged woman's house -- very repulsive to me, but the attic is old, dusty -- a place where we've always lived. She's cleaning away debris so it can be seen to advantage. I don't know why it's so hot, window uncovered? When the attic is hot I walk lightly, saying I never trust the floors -- point out many joints in the floor like seams in a fur coat. It seems to be the basement of a very large castle because there is a very large room (maybe attic) and it still takes up only a little of the landscape. The water seems to be salty -- a Dead Sea. Talking to bored, sophistocated businessman -- he says I have to call the Bureau of Affairs. He's annoyed because I've taken over. A little kid lying on the floor with sores all over. A trip, I check my suitcase, things well picked -- light, not too much, well arranged. Go by a house where Elvis and his mother live upstairs -- Terri used to live downstairs. The side of the road is a jewel case but as big as a picture window -- jewels on display. Go to New York, stay in motel on fourth floor, turns into an insane asylum. See attendants on stairs, also crazies. Upstairs a large woman gets away. I head her off. Another begins to fight her attendant. Others join fracus until first one kicks them on top of heads. Five are killed. One, a young girl with short hair smiles faintly, she's still breathing. Go out -- get on train. Sit with black men, they say they've never seen hair my color -- I become very alert, paranoid. Say you could never get stoned there. Kids ask where you can buy one crabapple. Cars drive on sidewalk, they don't watch for pedestrians. Road becomes very steep, at two points I have to hold onto the regrigerator and jump across gap onto bed, hill becomes perpendicular. Man buys rice, store made him buy rice , pick a design, which he picked a hand, red with white palm. Art store with lurid pictures next door to our house -- 3D pictures of people jumping off cliff into ocean. Nice one of a breeze blowing a curtain and a wind chime. Flashes of color and geometric shapes come from the chimes. J wants to rent an office, I go to the surrealist show after it's over, there are pictures on the floor.

Go to work on a tricycle. Man goes with me -- at Mom's house. Rocks on road shaped like bluegreen cowboy hats. Man says they're $5 pieces. Woman sleeps under a glass bubble next door to Mom's old farm [housing development built there]. I live behind a pond on a rich estate, write letter about my check. Some black people are talking on the line. A grandmother tells a little girl this is the last time she'll see a psychic. I hang up, then when I call J's phone is dead, black people talking on phone already. One talking about his technique with women, three girls with white faces, sugar and cream. Catholics wash your head and then you go on. J tells me that I get a rest for a few days. I've been talking and dialing phone a long time. Work, place very dirty, looks like Dumdum, but it's Swim and Play and MJ is keeping kids amused. In the barn, horse comes in and puts head in stanchion like a cow. I was working happily in barn, but just got ready to leave. J -- some offer where you have to be stripped and "killed" three times. I cut off most of my hand, call the doctor, whose name is Lucille. She peels off the flap of skin, it is now just unnecessary (on my palm). I have a green MG Midget (Phil Ward) drive it wrong way through a car repair place. This is rebellious and triumphant. A boy helps me lift it over tight corners. Rich people, man and woman marry. she's rich and lazy (her class) at first shapes up. Another funny woman plays in a trough of water, pushing a ball with a polo stick. Whole group of people begin throwing a piece of wood. Someone always catches it - it becomes significant. Someone throws it where I'm standing and I catch only a minute part of it -- to light to throw far. I try to throw it to two women above. the blond one who played in the water catches it after some tries. The other one just lies down -- I throw a pink crayon and it lands across her left eye. The man arranges games on a shelf. He owned a hotel but she abhored physical labor because of her class.

In Des Moines, look out window and see green hill. DM in distance in a valley, ugly tall buildings. Shawna is my sister. Our other sister married to a guy who writes articles and sends to newspapers. He's going to quit his job because he says he's psychic and knows he's going to make it. An older guy asks him if he can sing for his supper. he throws sand in the car I'm trying to vacuum. I tell him he has to clean it out and he says to go to a car wash on Washington Street. Go to see coworker three times and she's masturbting. MJ says she's firing her for eating the food, she knows I probably don't agree with her decision. I hold my tongue. [She thought the kids were crazy -- scientology.]

Going to work, give kids pictures. Lori a problem, tell her to get her stuff together, then mom isn't coming, Lori is afraid. Woman fighter -- she weighs 200 pounds (looks small in picture) going to fight eight foot man. Says she's toothless, but she has teeth. Her name is Rita Rath (born or bone) She looks like Fellini's wife. someone says it's an ugly woman fighting a blank man. She says she's won fourteen fights already.

I'm across the street sitting on the curb behind the car. Three kids come along and offer me a dime - then run off when they see I'm not a bum. Keys in the gas tank. I take them, kid follows me, I call for help and a man comes out and slaps the kid's face. Then I go out to the car to get a book he recommended. There's a lot of stuff there and the back door won't lock. This is on the high road - parking lot behind school. I try to fix it with rope, with my hair. Kid comes back and asks for keys, he has a blue shirt, already has the keys. A teenaged boy is with them and they take away four kids, one on each shoulder. One is Joseph. Devin is left siting on the hood, he cries and speaks very clearly and softly [has cerebral palsy, 4 year old] , sitting there playing with another handicapped kid. It's no good for me to play with him, he wants acceptance by a man. Dad has built a fur covered shelf in the car but the nails aren't solid and the lock doesn't work. I pick up some nice things, a Virgin Mary statue -- can't tell which end is fhe feet. I lean against one and knock it off -- a China doll of a woman in blues and whites, most of her dress is pearls. I pick up pieces from a parquet floor, Kim is there bragging about something -- she has a baby brother or twins and you are supposed to put water in their ears. the baby sitter did this and then they weighed 3 pounds. I am trying to put this together while looking at clothes I made for Barbie. They are quite good -- polyester jumpsuit, black and white, a hat, lots of stylish clothes. Someone asks why I put on a particular outfit -- that, they said, of a school girl.

Plants said this, dozed off in the chair beside them. Putting the leaves in a bag, green large leaves from small plant. Sheriff guy, short sleeved khaki shirt standing beside me. Voice, "I have here the killer." Thinking about plants under light.

Downstairs Dumdum, meeting upstairs. I and a group of little kids come back to a house with lots of stairs in a square in swimming suits -- dripping wet. I drip up the stairs, have to mop up, dry some off first, someone has green hair. Kids demand snack. I mix up stuff from a room divider. people watching movie. See landlord and other couple shopping, men sit in baby seat in the cart. For some reason I'm going to pay for both carts. Girl from my dorm Scott got pregnant and she got an abortion in New York, wanted a penis for Christmas. voice, she was a rich girl. Pat and Patty come to visit and we visit Bruce -- he has a plan to sit in a bathtub of orange juice for six hours holding a piece of popcorn in his teeth -- a living assemblage. Then snow on ground, Pat asks Patty if she wants a ride -- they went in a pickup. I

walk over the snow in mocassins, the snow feels very good, alive. Go to circle in the snow where people are all dancing and singing like Indian group. Go through traffic, Pat doesn't say anything, very quiet. A house, Mom visiting, everything very genteel -- moving into hotel, etc. Walk to sea world place, animals in the water, you can touch them -- a shark, sea lions, various sea cucumbers. then people dressed up like porpoises clowning around -- one very agile, goes across a hand over hand bars with no hands. Before I go into psychic -- have to make peace with the FBI -- dip my breasts into something -- second cow.

Store where there is supposed to be a classical music concert. A salesman with a superior attitude comes up and stares. I stop to ask about an antique refrigerator, has fins like an old car -- salesman says they are phoney antiques, copies for the new styles. People are arriving for a party, I go down two levels. The salesman thinks he has me in his power, but I do something to him, jump a fence and run barefoot over a field of golden stubble. Get tired, but decide to rest like in real life instead of panicking like i usually do in dreams and try to crawl and pull myself along with my hands. Now I'm back to the first level which is the barn. Start to open the door - a woman with two guns. I get them down on the ground and step on them. She leaves, she was the mother of the salesman.

Daydream -- helpful little beings change things -- put in better for bad, then cover it up with dirt "so she won't be so surprised when she wakes up" -- "she" is a librarian.

Some test like Civil Service have to take if I want to work with kids. I get mine back with a score of 6 3/4, everyone in line has the same score -- then find out from a thin, blond, chair smoking, middle aged woman that I have to go through the whole thing again. I decide not to. End up between trains and ocean at a harbor. Young man and I supposed to split checks for work we did together, I work at a bank, it seems; he comes, I can't leave. I sit in a chair meditating/sleeping while others work cleaning school. No one says anything, I feel guilty. Try to clean up -- find wood animals in windows all painted blue. Vicent keeps wandering off, has excuse. I'm floating up at the roof of a round room. A man and woman there. The daughter is mother to the mom, a committee of people deciding when to have it rain. There are twelve little sections to the round roof. I take it down and put it underfoot and it's called a donkey wish. Feeling of curved razor blade or scythe for shaving legs. Talk to Dennis's mother, she tells me about her husband (biker) and her fears. Brat at school, Billy Rhodes, wants me to get his costume before someone comes to visit -- it's Billy the Kid costume. Eagles or Blue Shield is my favorite store. We live in the top of a large house of rooms, we live in New York and then move to a place with fields, trees.

The Bull. I go up a small, but deep creek in a canoe. By the right bank is a little cove where "exclusive members" of a club go to pick nuts and there are also nuts for sale. We stop on an island, but then a man says he doesn't want to go up the creek because there are little tiny sharks that are vicious beyond imagination because they have lived in the creek so long they don't even know they're sharks. I thought they'd be big by now, but the man indicates small ones. Some people on a canoe trip hear some growling up ahead that sounds like sharks but turns out to be a bull. The bull appears at the right side behind me. His horns are polished mahogany and curved so that when he tosses his head they seem to turn like a curved stick. He makes rushes at the island almost getting across the small creek. I remember that you have to face these things and go up to him and pull the long fur on his face. The fur is long like a curtain. His face is as large as a door -- he doesn't get smaller or anything. His attention is diverted by rich people coming to "pick nuts". He makes small rushes at some children, then remarks that they will be sorry that they drank the "harmless" water of this creek and will remember this for a long time. I think they'll probably get diarrhea. I begin paddling quickly down the creek to the fence with the bull in pursuit -- cross the fence, but he also crosses. The paddling has become very smooth like flying and I continue this feeling and fly up into a very large white branched dead tree that all the bark has fallen off of it. The person behind me comes too. The branches of dead trees fall off too and all the bull has to do is wait under the tree a few months. The bull climbs right up the tree. I throw a flashlight and some other stuff. He falls and lands right on his head and turns into a man, bounces right up and climbs again in the form of the bull. this time I have only a small stick which I throw anyway -- trying to hit the bull's eye. Then the bull turns into a blond woman in a white dress with pink dots and she says I've done well. I get down and Rudy is at the bottom of the tree, has a notebook made of pieces of green paper and he's been writing -- making shapes on the paper. I ask for a pen to write something down. The blond woman is in the car on the passenger side. The car is headed up towards the stars. Good, ahead of his time. Bullets equal bull turds. Up your ass.

The common sense one man bases his life on appears to another to be the drunkard's observation of the effect of alcohol blown out of proportion to cover all of life. Kids writing on the walls at school -- adults upset. I ask if it wasn't there before. Woman sees that a petroleum product is noxious --f inds out about Carver and works on substitute made of peanut oil.

I've been doing Grandma's chores, but not real consistently. Attic light on, they're home. Charley looks well fed. Grandma says the chickens are dead in the basement. They are. There was a storm. The roof leaked. Grandpa comes downstairs, but he's Dad and keeps him busy. [Charley, Grandma's dog disappeared when I was taking care of him while they were on vacation and she thought he starved to death. I couldn't remember feeding him. I also forgot to throw out hay for the cows and someone opened the barn door for them and they got inside to get their own hay -- like ghosts when I opened the other door and startled them -- and me. I was about 12 years old.]

In front of the Student Union, two couples dates. Sandy and Gary and a very serious redheaded girl from a store window, gingham dress. We laugh, feel silly, run. There is a boat that is a representation of Rama -- it has metal pieces that vibrate when you say ra and when you exhale with ma the boat moves. However there are people from San Francisco in a room on the boat. They talk about a governor, has blond hair in braids, now corruption has crept in. One old guy wants a woman, governor says $18 and he says too much, $8. Construction workers, sprinklers go on, continue some time, then I go sit on a window ledge to watch "boat."


A war. Shirley and I duck from the bombs, they bounce in the windows. Put cameras in our pockets and go out to be spies. Jewish mother. Go past pictures of J's family. Go to pay table, school. I go to bathroom, very dirty -- boys bother me, throw things -- bicycles and lighted cigarettes -- I scream. A man comes. I go to library with Karen and Jackie, Jackie's house very small. Start walking, it gets dark. Cross street, it gets hard to walk. We walk through a field along a dirt road. Fianlly decide to turn back. The other women want to go to a bathroom -- people in there decorating a cake with their mouths, very clean. I steal a knife with a special blade, two little boys with us steal a sheep skin cape. We start walking back, they say thre are two more miles. I am afraid because I didn't put the knife back -- wearing my jacket that looks like the Fool card. We all are too tired to go on, sit down. I'd like to hitch a ride with the mailman.

> Feb- May 1977 continued
>
> Talking in my sleep -- "just one thing, the red one
> and the first one." Thinking, who is the bull, maybe a Taurus -- Sandy is
> a Taurus and I am a borderline Taurus, just barely Gemini. The red bull.
>
> Little statues for sale, $20. People ask cards who
> gets which ones. Button like a star sapphire. Angel with wings on mouth;
> man with leg bent, cigar on arm; angel with wings spread out; little kid
> with wings closed over his front; tiny angel with red windmill spinning
> behind it. Woman says she'll give it to me if I'll go get her sack. Then
> says she'll give it to me and Peggy Parrish. Go to visit a woman who
> talks to Julie a long time on the phone. She has gotten a ride to Ohio,
> her landlord is mad, in her lease it says no cooking, no working. Several
> women, we all take what we want -- no one else wants a pile of cotton
> gauze dresses, Medieval looking. "At first you didn't sell any, and then
> after awhile you did." [Pagan gods, implied by the statues. Hecate, the
> three faced goddess of the crossroads, is dangerous per Artimedorus and
> you must go to the mystery schools if you want to learn more.]
>
> Walking through unfamiliar part of town, get into
> area of blue buildings --get feeling of danger, run. Someone pulling on
> my feet like bunch of bananas. I call for help and a goat with horns
> curled around and a dog come to help. They fight larger German Shepards.
> Walk on, an old woman with a shopping cart is right behind me. She has a
> dozen eggs. I say for her to tell me who she is or I'll break her eggs.
> I do so -- she helps me with the last one. She says she's a witch --
> takes us to her home which is in a parking ramp. On each level is a
> fireplace and a homeless old woman lives in front of each one. There is a
> boy with us who immediately crawls up onto a ledge. Another sleeps by the
> pillow. I sleep at the foot of the bed. They have cupboards with the
> dishes they've been able to get. This one has tall green pitchers. Rori
> and Ray [Ray was 5 and didn't talk except about "webs" all over his house,
> Rori was his 3 year old sister] are there. They have done some injury
> and have to pay. Ray says 1/2 cent, Rori says a penny. She holds out her
> pitcher. I feel I should give some and open my purse. Take out 50 cent
> piece -- then all my change. They also have a $1 bill. As I look at it,
> I realize if I give away all my money I'll be like the women in the
> parking ramp.
>
> J calls -- lots of interference on line. I don't
> pick up receiver. Talk about script writing. She says she's written 25,
> then hear nothing, no one there. I hang up, wonder if she's redialing for
> a better connection. Workmen have a chocolate cake I intend to put away
> but I eat the whole thing.
>
> At rehearsal of some musical. Lunch for everyone.
> Man eats most of the cookies. LIttle girl (oriental) gives me her
> sweater, coat -- I can get them on but they show my big ass. I say we'd
> better leave before they come. Betty Thompson says it looks like a
> teenager got into the cookies. I go get my stuff, books, notebooks,
> paycheck. When I walk downstairs I just float down, not touching ground.
> Go back up, three high school boys come out to bother me. Man beats them
> up and pries one's fingers apart to get something -- like you do a baby.
>
> Basketball practice, garage sale -- pins, sandpaper.
> J steals gold fillings. I look around. Presents to J from people --
> copper pans with writing that say "nothing." Taking a look back on 140th
> street, thought it was a long ways away, another town, turns out to be
> close. [140th street is Hawthorne -- we moved 10 blocks from Lawndale
> house on Larch to apartment building where we've lived the past 20 years.]
>
>
> 5/14/77 Black guy on trial for murder. We go to
> court and stand in line. The judge is black. The defendent is the
> judges's employee who calls the court to order. We sit on pieces of
> carpet. The case in my mind has to do with: brat at school, Billy,
> murders someone -- breaks their head open so that the flower that grows by
> the path can sprout and grow. There is something to do with a small pony
> with very flowing mane and tail. Scott (molested by mother), Ray
> (autistic), Michelle (two, year old, cried when she had to go to ballet
> lessons) all swing in the same swing. While standing in line -- music
> starts -- thin woman (blond) links arms with fat blond woman. Then they
> come back and link arms with me. Fat one kisses me, says this is what you
> want to do -- don't be afraid of what people will think because good
> people will like very much. [Mom sent clipping that the judge (black)
> that sentenced me for felony ($20) shoplifting's son was arrested for
> robbing a beauty parlor. Later she sent another clipping when the judge
> died of a heart attack. Des Moines Register.] [In winter, 1978 the
> McMartin preschool/a lot of preschools all over Los Angeles, that had male
> emplyees, especially, were accused of molesting -- Ray Buckey was accused
> by the kids of killing a pony to get them to not tell anyone. The kids
> said they could see Ray molesting other kids when they would swing very
> high in the swing set.]
>
> At a park watching old people organize for a game of
> throwing a ball over the person in the middle's head. I think that this
> sports is an advantage of getting old -- then I'm playing. My grandfather
> is opposite and throws a bundle of sticks instead of the ball. You are
> supposed to hit it back like a volleyball, but it will hurt my hands.
> Feel like it is like baseball when I couldn't see the ball (astigmatism
> from age 4 -- optometrist said it wasn't bad enough to correct). Then
> grandpa picks up a box springs and says, how about this? I say, "no, too
> heavy!" We carry it together to where a truck is coming from the Gospel
> Army. Kids are there from the school, Chris and Jackie (teacher.) I keep
> them back out of the way. When the truck comes, the floor where I'm
> standing elevates me as well as the mattress, carries me over the top and
> then starts down -- it's a belt. I make it up without getting smashed --
> hang onto bars. This happens twice then I'm standing there talking to MJ
> and she says people get smashed noses from this. Working at Swim and
> Play/Looking Glass -- putting papers away. Bert's locker has been moved
> to the sanctum. Several have. The sanctum is tables with candles around
> them. Then my sister is in charge of the files and she's written ALL on
> his file. I whisper, ALL GOOD, in her ear. MJ [Italian from Ohio,
> kindergarten teaching degree, no kids of her own, worked at the school,
> making payments and paid it off in 7 years] makes fun of her [never say
> kids are good or bad, just that you don't like something they do.] This
> leads up to the trial in which she, Billy, the courtroom clerk are all the
> accused. The judge chews tobacco and drinks brandy on the bench. I end
> up sitting with two people that are my parents in the dream, on pieces of
> warmed carpet. I'm embarrassed. At Mom's -- I plant things, then in the
> morning snow has fallen. I go out to the well and Billy calls for his
> colors -- which are markers. I am grouchy, say I won't get them. The
> rose bush is frozen. I take it in and it faints -- very stiff from cold.
> I hope it will revive. Some little kid at school recites a poem about
> some think the world will end in fire, some say ice. from what I know of
> desire... prefer fire, but ice is nice and will suffice. If I have to
> perish twice, I know enough of hate to hope for ice. Five million,
> defamation of character -- class action suit.
>
> 5/15/77 New Moon. Starts out, I read that the
> Rosicrucians say to take your dog to the vet -- to one who uses a needle
> among other things. A man's parents send his old dog to us and say to
> have it "fixed." We take it to the vet next door. I hide the needle
> behind my back. The dog shivers but everything goes smoothly. The vet
> says he doesn't recommend castration but the dog came in himself and
> didn't make a sound. The dog comes around when the vet mentions an oxygen
> tank in the next room and knocks over an assemblage art piece. Pink
> mermaids -- two of them, one older and scalier --both dog bitten. A
> double fluted shell, large gold circle, two small ones, an "eye" -- all
> arranged on a bed of white rocks. The vet leaves the room and I look in
> the mirror and I'm thin, in a navy blue dress with polka dots, long, my
> hair is below waist length, touches when I sit. The man and the vet have
> some sort of rival points of view and we get in the vet's car, which is an
> expensive white sports car -- and drive. We pass an empty field where
> it's been raining and there are tables of all colors setting empty --
> mainly oranges and pinks -- in a clearing, some islands of trees. People
> sell things on them but have been driven away by the rain. Then we pass
> through a dense forest. The man argues with the vet for charging too much
> -- $17.90. He mentions numerous expenses, I stand up for him, say that's
> what they all charge. The vet has short blond hair and is very handsome;
> he turns on the radio to end the argument. He drives to the artist's
> house and turning around in the driveway runs over the same assemblage he
> did in his office. I thought the vet was taking us home. I think I can
> remember how it went, the pink mermaids and such, but I can't. The artist
> is very upset, made him paranoid. We get back in the vet's car and he
> takes us home. I hear the man inside talking on the phone about going to
> work but he's been falling asleep at 10 PM. I go in and he's dressed like
> me in white pants and burgundy shirt (must be another artist, Pat). I ask
> where he's going and he says he can't tell. There's an amazing movie on
> TV -- faces modeled, very beautiful. I think he has another woman and
> keep asking him until he goes limp -- voice says, "you'll see a shimmer or
> something not quite right and it will be a door or window to another
> world. It'll look like a real door or window." I wonder where it is,
> maybe through the TV. Artist has disappeared and I think he went through
> the door.
>
> 5/16/77 Monday morning, drug hangover. At a
> concert, J and G right up on stage. Lots of us clinging to wire on
> outside of cage. J runs through crowd. I think she's been running after
> G but he's still there. She has been talking to Paul. I leave by way of
> Friendly Lane -- have to crawl through someone's pea patch. She says to
> come back tomorrow and we'll talk literature. Go home, mailman, Pat and
> Ronnie put lots of phone books in mailbox. I stand there waiting to talk
> to them but they run away. I go down to barnyard and Jean is moving into
> the chicken house -- lots of antiques, some antique blue satin shoes. I
> find a nice tiny grandfather's clock to use in an assemblage in a store.
> Jean is teaching a children's choir a song about love lost. She shows me
> three buttons with faces for assemblages. Shirley talks with someone else
> about how her life was ruined by being sent to school too young -- 2nd
> grade [she was held back, dyslexia runs in the family]. A youinger Pat
> and Ronnie come along - say, "we'll have a showdown with her" but the
> showdown is about something I don't know about, they fight with some other
> teenagers they know. [Ronnie looked like the girl next door, my friend in
> school, Karla -- I stayed all night at her house and her mom ran away soon
> after for California -- she was still drawing stick figures with no
> details and I taught her to draw at least hands and feet and faces on them
> when we were in Kindergarten.]
>
> 5/17/77 New Moon. Barney Miller script draft done
> -- I must make peace with the FBI. Old woman takes rifle in backyard --
> where animals each pick on one of her plants, starts shooting -- says
> she's leaving. Her husband at first runs out there, then afraid. I get
> behind her when she's got him trapped and hit her behind knees with my
> knees, like Mom taught me, joke -- knock her off balance. Then I take the
> rifle and target shoot. Two men throw up pieces of paper, two at a time
> (each) and two bullets come out of the gun. You have to aim high. I hit
> some that one man throws and bullets lay on paper and make it flat.
>
> Steve and I in a swimming pool with other people. I
> want out because it's too shallow -- only deep in one place. Getting
> here, I went up the street taking interesting pictures -- avoiding
> relatives and teaching a couple I meet to do so. Find a box of old things
> -- including a pile of clippings about roses. Let water out of pool after
> relatives come along. There are rings in the bottom -- five of mine, one
> of a man's. We each have one that looks like a class ring -- triagular
> dark stone -- must be Rosicrucian.
>
> See a dream landscape -- one called Des Moines in
> real life -- view of downtown from a big hill near Sylvia's place on
> Manzanita. Jackie (preschool teacher) says she saw God -- she went up and
> wasn't scared (in the sky). God looked like a ghost. Now she sees him
> all the time. Dressed all in dark brown -- then remember this is no
> longer "my color."
>
> 11/5/77 A jelly roll like ice cream cake. Mom,
> sisters and I eat it -- some of the ice cream is coconut. Kids "guard" it
> for me. Mine keeps disappearing. I go down hall and Harris (from Barney
> Miller) is down there, think about appearance, clothes, etc. On phone
> talking to J about her script, two good parts. She says something about
> Tuesday, I get out of going. Post card, some answer to some letter --
> take it over to ask the crazy (disability from VA) neighbor to watch for
> it. He says he thinks it'll get here all right.
>
> At school herding kids around, different than usual
> dream -- more control, stronger. Shirley gets lots of cans of free paint,
> buys one. Walk all the way to Mom's. All sit in the window with sun on
> our faces for picture, on vanity. Small space for me, I fit. Drive kids
> hard -- on tricycles -- around a circular course.
>
> May giving me advice in the dream reading -- you say
> you've been doing favors for people lately. Destroy inferior, called upon
> to destroy it again. Olive Oyl -- don't lie when next to car with X.
> Don't let this make you weak, forget about it. She sits on top of
> typewriter. guy all dressed for fight, smiling a little. Bent sword,
> black pants, dark, little hat. Another more burly guy has a straight
> sabre -- baggy sword sheath on belt. Song, when love has hurt you I'll
> be the first to know. Looking at me, at a sandwich. I take matches laid
> out -- all wet on right side, put them on left side. On left side is
> bookstore with seer like people, on right side is a bank -- security --
> looking for shoes my size. J -- huge cold dragon, she dives across room
> and puts her hand on that orange spot, wrist, some script is a thrill, two
> of them. G doesn't think J is a baby -- she gets a package of baby
> clothes in mail. Funny horse, floppy ears lying in a pond of water --
> cold, cold, cold. I urge it to get up. Then get view from greater
> distance --it's an elephant come here to die.
>
> Irish guy, sword in me pants and didn't know it.
> Teach J how to write in crayon on money. J bought lots of meat, frozen in
> trunk -- for this emergency. Kitchen, boy who spoke indistinctly at
> first. A beam of pure light like a sword. The cookie lady. Library at
> Hermosa Beach -- "she likes me," Scott. "she said she didn't the day
> after that." I will make me do what's right.
>
> Cutting out pictures -- National Geographics -- they
> are ancient mystical books. Librarian is senior English teacher, just out
> of college, dark hair, but looks like Sally Staley, blond boss thesis
> checker at grad college. She comes around to check on me, brings books I
> want -- the blood of the mystic, the little girl, and sometimes the two
> moths. When she's looking at one I put everything away and sneak out with
> the kids that are with me. She follows, a stately walk. We cross the
> light on red, then a cow meets us at the other side and we hold onto its
> ear and it pulls us up the hill a little ahead of her. Then we reach the
> ship and she can follow no further. She talks to a watchman. In a way it
> seems as if she just chased us back to the ship. End up just taking
> magazines, modern ones. Mom's -- there are summer replacements for some
> of the rooms, I'm not coming back.
>
> At hamburger place -- they have gravy, meatloaf. I
> walk there with girls from high school. Rhonda wants to be on the outside
> so she can hear the wind in the trees. Leave house of blond family I'm
> supposed to be like -- step in dogshit. they are all prissy. We stumble
> over playground equipment. People all crowd. I step on guy behind me's
> ankle and he starts grabbing me. I try to bite him but my teeth keep
> slipping off -- tiny bites. Then the place closes and we have to go
> somewhere else around back. Go up hill, fighting off this guy. Then have
> to go through deep snow with people throwing snowball, especially a girl
> with dark hair. I cover my ears and keep struggling. Feel like I can't
> go any farther, crawling -- then see the end and pull myself along with my
> hands. Snow is like water. Reach house where girls ahead of me are -
> they took baths. There are little animals, pigs that don't look like real
> ones, and dogs. When I pick up the pigs and put them on a ledge they
> don't move anymore. I go on, see a dark store with paints on view and
> candy. Go in, read about violets candy -- it says on the box that it's
> good for giving to Japanese friends and comes in all different
> consistencies. Stuff here looks used. In other part women look at cloth.
> I go in -- the man is behind me again, touching me and I decide to sit on
> his lap. Halves of many ideas. A test of writing skill. Also a test of
> someone's honesty in evaluating it. I'm waiting for a man in a garage
> sale, think about getting an etiquette book for a reference book for
> jokes, find $13. Then man comes -- big gold Cadillac, gold velvet
> interior. It has a blanket, French dictionary and the man says it has one
> gear missing.
>
> Christmas trees I want to buy, Mom won't let me have
> a big one , so I want two small ones. Win award for script, Mother
> leaves, can't find them. At commune, take some of my books, magazines.
> Talk to Dennis McQueen for awhile and Connie Bandy (I had a crush on him
> in 5th grade, but he liked Connie -- she gave me one of the notes he wrote
> her). Have to leave down snowy stairs, looks treacherous, but I slide.
> Jenny tries to cook spaghetti in honey, milk, liquid smoke -- this from a
> teacher who doesn't show who glorifies suicide. Start down snowy road
> towards home -- almost dawn. Trailers and bark huts where people I know
> live. George, Bob and Shelley. George is nasty, as are Bob and Shelley
> at first. Steve lays his head on Shelley's stomach and complains about
> George liking thin women (Shelley is thin.) I hit George for spilling
> water. Then we watch the sun rise. We missed it but the sun drops back
> down, pink bubbles float up. There are two suns. The second sun does
> this again. George doesn't believe it and I yell at him not to judge
> everyone by himself (my voice sounds funny like I don't believe this,
> almost wakes me up). Get on hayrack, little girl -- go long ways --
> something about 18 per mile. Boy comes and duels with me with pine
> branches. I tell him to go home -- he says he doesn't have one. I ask,
> "where do you live" and he points to the hill -- I say, "go there then."
> He goes off a ways and starts to strangle a blond woman. A man dressed in
> white comes to her rescue, bends him into a shape, does this also to a
> redheaded woman. Their faces look more like the Hanged Man than they're
> suffering. Woman with sculptured hair. At school, kids get candy
> somewhere. Barney Miller, too long, wordy - old woman wants to be a
> detective on Barney Miller. Gorilla, three muskateers. Movie -- thoughts
> of people sometimes, they are thinking and in their thoughts are a
> sword-fight, slow motion or scenes from a past life in which they were
> related. Woman's compensation. Kid poem -- I don't want to get off on
> the wrong foot. You're already on the wrong foot.
>
> At school, in four year old room -- kids knock over
> a shelf covered with figureines and jewels. MJ wants me to stay late and
> talk to her (Tarot). PS on letter from a man -- to stop acting like I
> have polio during sex -- that I have to put out or pour out. Shawna
> running past the nylons in a store -- they climb a pile of consumer goods,
> kids -- show they can get over them. Ana (2 year old) with hand raised --
> going to smash one of two figures. A man talking to a bear -- the bear
> talking to him -- holding his chin in his paw, the bear's hide covered
> with symbols.
>
> Two Hebrew words (words read backwards)
> taw/ayin/beth (transliterated is BIT or BYT) and (taw)pe/aleph/bet

> Two Hebrew words (words read backwards)
> taw/ayin/beth (transliterated is BIT or BYT) and (taw)pe/aleph/beth or
> (BAP or BAPH) or BAT -- in the dream, BF means bedroom, chariot, one of
> the ones always fighting but good together (Steve and George). Byt bat.
> At the movies -- send kids out. Take blond kid by the shoulders. Then
> sneak out myself into the world. Man sees me, I hide in seats. He still
> sees me but I'm going out anyway. Go to visit George/Lucy -- ride on
> hayrack. Go through marching band. Man runs behind hayrack. Two snakes,
> very large, also follow. They have rattles but small mouths. I put both
> in my sock. Go back, get man on hayrack too. Snake follows again but
> then goes down side road. Going to morgue. Try to find restaurant,
> shopping -- only have $10. Women in prom dresses talk about a guy touched
> your arm in high school and you had to dance with him. the snakes throw
> straws at our eyes on the hayrack -- have to cover them. When the snake
> turns aside we know how powerful it was. George driving a slow hayrack to
> the morgue. Scenery pretty ugly - raw slashes of clay layer of a hill.
> Band was throwing marbles. [Beth/2nd letter, means house -- High
> Priestess. Pe/17th letter, means mouth -- Star. [George now has a
> column in MSNBC, where he draws on his age (now 51) and boyhood in
> Missouri contrasted to his present life in Oakland/San Francisco,
> California.]
>
> Thinking about J. An egg sitting on a wall --
> reaches for me -- saying, I try, try, try. Falls off wall. Someone
> coming down from San Francisco, seems like Darrell. At school, me student
> -- Sylvia has pile of pictures just like mine. Then go into next room and
> script is spread out -- folder open. Mom comes to take me somewhere to
> another lesson. Elephant ate rice and fell over. One person says
> something to another, then they do the same thing for another person.
> Chain reaction. Balancing of personalities in situations by exchanges of
> reactions, emotions. J comes over and says she has three scripts, Rhodas,
> Rockfords -- I say they're hopeless, have to be completely re-written.
>
> 11/25/77 full moon. I pee in a pot, sack, pop
> bottle in front of a man. He says it looks like dirty water. Lynn quits
> at school, leaves. [Lynn's mother got brain cancer and Lynn gave me some
> of her hours so she could go there to see her mother at lunch time.] J -
> I call her about buying a copywrite book -- each pay half -- Stumbling
> Block Press. Lynn says she's not coming back on Monday, infected lung --
> coming down with lying. She and Jackie don't want to do anything -- MJ
> gone -- say they're doing nothing.
>
> At school -- big yellow boxer dog comes in dogfood
> in cupboard. Karen has a new boyfriend. Adrienne's mother comes in to
> use bathroom, Brandy and Toby, her kids have to pay her money. She
> listens to WW II radio show. I clean toilet then see house has cracked
> and there is a large opening in the wall. Jeff (3 year old, blond
> crewcut, steps on other kids) comes and I tell him to go away. Think that
> if he comes back I'll tell him it's the opening into the world of the
> dead. See Jesus Freak woman down at the bottom of the hill, two kids
> sheltered under her coat. More kids come, the first is very polite, poor,
> sets up a fence over the opening, so I let him and his friends come in.
> Where the bathroom was is now a woods with large trees and logs. Snow or
> silvery leaves are falling and I decide to let them play here. It will be
> good for them to get out of the city. Man (Dad?) wants me to take his
> necklace and gold plate it or paint it gold. It's an ankh.

> 1976
>
> At high school, a guy who was a con man has paid his debt -- $510.
> Wants me to call a friend and say, how would you like to invest $20, then
> he'll find $510 somewhere. Get in car, keys broken off. Go to Sandy's,
> bike falls apart. Something flies out of ditch -- look and there are
> tools, dishes, a pink dress. It has been so warm in January that the
> trees leafed out. Black woman thinks her daughter, who was with that guy,
> is dead. I dance with her. I look in the mirror and there is a black dot
> on my ear. Look closer and I'm covered with them -- look like a crappie.
> Young actress, actor gets $5000 for her from Edison. Jerry Lewis, people
> crowd in -- get smashed/crushed. Guy comes up and does impressions of
> Jerry Lewis, Howdy Doody. I'm supposed to go to baseball game, don't want
> to go - am afraid I'll have to play because regular people are sick or
> gone. Black guy in my bed, kiss -- then I look under the covers to see if
> he's really a black guy. Man and woman live by fence in very small
> house. Man's has less straw, so is not as warm. Many people lined up on
> bank in "beds", I lie down in one of two vacancies -- man pours water on
> me, very nice, relaxing. Old woman with knife trying to stab me -- I
> have gun but no bullets. Strategic retreat through doors, she stabs knife
> into window and it holds. Two other women help her. When I get outside,
> the chase ends, the two women are just pretending. I have jobs cleaning
> houses -- one cancels so I cancel all the rest. One woman calls from
> Europe to complain, so I say I'll go. She lives at WW or W West Street.
> Tim Conway, red wig -- someone's girlfriend. Lion cub with three
> squirrels the same size. A woodchuck covered with butter, another on a
> tricycle. Cindy a mystic. Shirley going away to school, Sandy says
> she'll be a big person. We have to have shoes made of butterflies or
> light -- a man makes them. They also have to be able to cross water.
> Carrying our weight in baggage. Drive tractor trailer and can't figure
> out brake -- rolls of tape. Drive it down stairs. Go by daycare when
> leaving -- take two year old Shirley with me. Cushion that will float on
> air, I float, doesn't work for others -- woman pisses pants. Carry
> Shirley on road, following man who was sweeping. Woman choosing between a
> boy from high school and a German - chooses the German. Seals and Croft
> sing, make pies -- say they didn't sing well because of amateur harps in
> audience. In a town, making a writer from leftovers. I am a writer --
> antagonize some guy passing by in orange Volkswagen. Goes around block, I
> slither down path, go to where he ambushed me before. We fight, I win --
> I lead him away and ask if he really cares. There's another guy on my
> side. Gradually work my way to the top of an apartment building. First
> outside it, then staying with someone middle floor. Then someone with me,
> waiting top floor, for someone to come to dinner. Swimming pool with
> dirty line like bathtub.
>
> I'm in the basement, someone coming, Dad. I hide in a little room
> with a dirt floor. Dad comes in, digs a hole and takes out a book or box.
> Mom puts on my clothes. Envelopes with experiments, three of mine need
> more work -- polka dot cloth, experiment with sensor, little kid makes
> sensor fly around room. Man takes out $3 million life insurance policy
> for black leader and daughter. I argue it should be $500,000 so not to
> give incentive to kill them. [A lot of emails from deposed leader in
> Nigeria -- getting money out of country.] Walking down road, I'm afraid
> because it's dark, but there turn out to be street lights, lots of people
> who come out and I meet them. In a swimming area with ocean, I'm taking
> care of a little girl -- save her from being pulled out to sea. She falls
> in later and saves herself by swimming. [May 1999 or 2000, teenaged girl
> on class trip drowned at Manhattan Beach and we happened to walk past when
> the helicopters were circling. Then that May or the next we were laying
> out to get sun on my itching condition and there was a high pitched voice
> right in my ear, "woo" -- made my ear hurt. We both heard it. I got a
> bad sunburn -- too long on a cloudy day.]
>
> TaiChi class, need ropes to tie together people in class, I have to
> have a black stick if I want to do it at night, mine has a white
> undershirt. In boat drifting towards coral, first have to save from
> coral, then get a rope and pull it back to earth.
>
> A nice guy says he'll change it as soon as he gets his car unlocked.
> I start to jack it up, it is a tractor. Young guy helps me, then in the
> bathroom of his apartment he says I'm so beautiful that 90% of the people
> in Africa would say I'm beautiful and I would cure the other 10% of
> blindness. He goes to bed and I hear him crying. Another man is reading
> the paper and says we could both be actors -- play Latin Americans. Guy
> comes out, now he's a dark haired Irish girl. Man and I change identities
> -- he puts on my pajamas and then has my face. A plan to make money by
> selling asbestos pads. Someone bombed the First National Bank, blue with
> caskets. Books left outside, weather has ruined them and they must have
> silverfish, many are science books -- which I put in the freezer and plan
> to insulate (to make them hot and kill the silverfish). Greg wants my
> marbles for the kids, but I'm afraid Jasmine will swallow them. Kids run,
> cause dirt slides on the hill. My mother with her long line of mothers in
> car at Dad's front door. Joann writes a letter about how her baby died,
> said it would have been Sheila (was named Rusty, crib death) - [after I
> stayed with them for two weeks, 2nd grade, she had another redheaded baby,
> a girl that time.] J, me, another woman writing, very hard work -- about
> two guys from outer space, run low on fluid that makes them go up and down
> -- so they put them in the freezer. At seashore, walking up icy steps,
> cub scout like group -- guy and kids block it, say not enough respect for
> flag, we vote, make motions. Kenny that they be punished. Have to come
> up with a program. [Joann and Kenny had another boy, before the girl.]
>
> Go to home in the dream. Phone number is 9-354-4444-9 -- it means
> you can't get calls -- my mother says I'm just like Judy, want lovers. I
> want to get my tent and book back from Greg -- I think it's Zendavested or
> Zen Arrested but it must be Zarathustra. It's about paper so pure, with
> a rose watermark that when dirty paper is put next to it, it becomes pure.
> You aren't supposed to put it in sunlight. I look out the backdoor and
> all my books have been laid out on the hill for years. I think, what a
> mistake. Going down a steep hill with painted on green grass. Some
> blue, farms, thorn trees -- perspective strange. People below keep
> saying, "watch out" but it isn't hard to climb down, like a fuzzy bank. I
> assist with a trolley, many people in crowd do, it's a nuclear device --
> all hold it. Someone says this is the main plus of a cooperative. We run
> away several feet, other people bow with heads towards explosion, but I
> have my back to it. Then working on busline, woman driver, very steep
> hill have to back down. Ford comes, I meet him at the door -- say we're
> here to show him how the doors are too narrow for the buses. Selling
> sandals at the bus station.
>
> I put a pale blue kimono and a watch in a sack in my room. Find out
> I'll be arrested if I take these things. A kind of basketball practice
> with Jimmy Carter. Run wind sprints back and forth. Pointed kind of
> penguin art. In another room we talk about nuclear energy, she said all
> the factories use it. They have little tiny nuclear generators. Mod film
> festival, very long film, supposed to be for the subconscious -- everyone
> sees something different. People force their babies on everyone.
> Intermission, I change clothes. At home, eating, topless. Argue with
> Dad, go back to movie, 25 block walk. Cindy, Heather, little boy and I
> out in country. We follow a stream with very small plants growing by it
> -- get in quicksand. I tell Cindy to lie flat -- she says I'm trying to
> kill her. We get out. Then a young man comes, I lock him in a closet
> with Heather's help, then push him out a door. He says he'll get back
> before us on a horse -- go back to movie. Gail there, I sit by her every
> time -- says the rest of the movie was just feeling up under pajamas -- I
> didn't miss much. California in factory, smog. Lots of factories along
> the river. Go home and go to bed, a blond man and woman in bed with us --
> man is very handsome.
>
> Going to Greg's house in dream. Dirt road area, ends up on paved
> in, walled area with palm trees. Women invite me into one -- white brick.
> Hallways leading nowhere, ran out of money before built rooms. They show
> me their small room, fireplace doesn't work. [Jerry, worked at Dumdum --
> for his thesis built a "portable" house on leased land along the Iowa
> River. He could take it apart and put it on a truck when he moved. It
> was very nice, but small -- fireplace, loft was bed open to the stars.
> When I saw the house, in the fall, it was on a flood plain -- you could
> plainly see the smashed down big dead weed stalks by the force of the
> river out of it's banks. But there was another small house nearby. He
> was telling me how one night he got home and climbed down the riverbank
> from the highway to go to his house and he saw a giant white owl sitting
> beside the bridge.]
>
> Patty comes there, I tell her where to call if she needs a ride.
> Then turns into Sebastian (sickly blond four year old, nose always
> running, tantrums, mom worked at Zales jewelers) type -- I have to go
> along on field trip. Making the bed at our motel, J in bed, maid fired
> for forgetting sheet -- Pam comes in. Bulls in barn, Sandy and I talking
> in calf pen. She says she doesn't know why she stays married to Gary
> (can't get her pregnant). Burning cigarettes on floor. Bull jumps on top
> of us, throw him off. I feed pigs hay and water, they want something
> else. Bull follows me, finally I ask it how to get in pen. Pigs make my
> life miserable, pushing me when I get in their pen to dump out the slop
> and wet oats, pushing against my legs in the crowd of pigs. Car
> overheating, broken screw at back. I add water, it sprays out. Little
> dog comes swimming up in ocean, it swam all the way home. My sister is
> saying she's moving west also. J comes to our house, just sits around, I
> take her home, but go to town instead. I rent a motel room, windows open,
> I go out windows. This happens two times, second time two men are talking
> about some awful alcohol they made -- I suggest mixing it with good. It
> takes me a long time to pack -- two jars of mustard. I apologize, man
> says, there's no problem. J tells me about a movie, Gentleman Johnny.
>
> Man and I in another city -- fish in a little swimming pool. I fish
> with a string. Catch a very large fish, lassoed around tail, right off,
> but it's a lamprey and man throws it back -- looked like a sea bass to me.
> Bait, hook gone -- throw just string in, large goldfish goes for it but a
> four foot white angelfish pulls my string away. We turn to go and I fall
> in the water, which is very cold and smells a little sour. Very tall man
> in a brown suit appears and pulls me out. We walk home, pass cartoons
> that are supposed to be colored with natural dyes. Then J and I see two
> guys in a small convertible with a girl strapped on the back like on a ski
> rack. J wants to get in with them, I almost roll out back. I say
> something about they'll hang us, get to their house and one lives with a
> black girl. They said they were taking us to a restaurant, their father
> built up this farm. Fishing, ride in toy boats, for shark. Man waits for
> one, lifts me out of water, stabs it in head -- it gets away. I lift him
> out of water, he turns into a seal. Diving school -- pieces of a face --
> can make funny noises (nose, ears, etc). J and I dressed in black --
> Dublin, Irish widows -- we are running a store. Crossing very long bridge
> towards Dumdum carrying sack. Old woman reaches to help me carry sack and
> falls, but fortuneately lands on me -- looks like May Ridyard. I tell her
> something about Hal, then she's afraid she won't remember it (I give her
> psychic advice, she told me I would one day but I didn't believe it). A
> car comes on the bridge through the railing.
>
> Eskimo insult contest, kids walking down street, cry at the drop of
> a hat.

> > [Notes: the stick I threw at the bull from the tree
> > was the paddle -- arms very tired, hard to throw anything hard. I
> > remember thinking in the dream that I wondered if the dirty creek that the
> > dead drowned tree was located in, with my boat flown up into it, was shit
> > creek and after I threw my paddle, I guess I was up shit creek without a
> > paddle. I was wondering if I could find the paddle and get it back. I
> > climbed down to get it (very realistic, balancing on a dead log and
> > reaching down in the water), but the bull came back and chased me back up
> > the tree. Then I woke up. There are rows of bull statues in temples for
> > the Age of Taurus. My sister in the calf pen dream -- the calf pen was
> > sometimes used as a corn crib and when she was about six and I was eight
> > one day I was digging in the corn cobs by the door of the corn crib and
> > picked up an ear and there was something fuzzy under there, felt like a
> > mouse nest. I looked and it was Mom's sewing scissors and a bunch of her
> > hair that she'd cut off and hidden. Two of the games I made up during
> > those years was building an Egyptian pyramid -- I was going to try to make
> > bricks from clay down by the creek but the pony got sleeping
> > sickness/encephalitis from going down by the creek (which was really
> > shallow, only about an inch deep) with the mosquitoes. And I'd pretend I
> > was a cow or pig and eat the same food they did -- corn, pellets, oats --
> > put my head in the stanchion (board that holds them by the head so you can
> > milk them).
> >
> >
> > 1976 Dream show.
> >
> > I am supposed to do Gram Esther's chores but didn't
> > do all of them (feed chickens, collect eggs, feed and water cows, Charley,
> > the canary and get the mail -- I was about 11 or 12 -- while she was on
> > vacation to Seattle to visit Gram Blanche.) Cows surround house. We
> > drive them behind Mom's barn. One calf gets caught behind. [I had to
> > walk to Gram's house or ride my bike. It was shorter to walk, her farm
> > touched Dad's at the "back 40" so you could climb across the fence. To
> > bike was up an almost verticle hill you had to walk up, plus several other
> > big hills on a gravel road. One year seven of their cows disappeared and
> > also Charley. I thought I'd forgotten to feed Charley for a lot of days
> > and he starved to death. Then I was taking my siblings to show them the
> > hazel nut shrubs in Gram's pasture and got tired and sat down on a smooth
> > "rock" and it was all squishy and I rolled off it and it was seven dead
> > cows that the hair had come off and they were like tanned leather with
> > bones squishing around inside. The insurance agent said they might have
> > all been struck by lightning under a small elm tree (no lightning damage)
> > or starved to death because I forgot to feed them too. So Gramp got half
> > the insurance. Someone opened the door on the barn where hay was stacked
> > and the cows got in to get their own hay -- when I opened the other door
> > from the parking lot and startled them, they stampeded -- scared me too.
> > They looked like ghost cows knee deep in hay bales. There was a dead bat
> > under one mossy old tree. Charley, before he disappeared would be so
> > excited to see you he'd run in a circle around the yard and then jump on
> > you with his muddy feet. He'd hear me somehow coming through the pasture
> > and come meet me at the creek. The water was deeper than the one inch
> > creek at my parents' and I was afraid to walk across it -- snake or turtle
> > in the water, or a trap for fur trapping I'd step into. I'd stand there
> > agonizing and Charley did exactly the same thing, poised with his foot
> > over the water and looking over his shoulder at me questioningly. Then
> > he'd jumped across. He was all white with a brown spot over his eye. Or
> > there was a deep wide part with a dead tree across it you could try to use
> > as a bridge but that was even worse. Dad told me when he was a teenager
> > and it flooded, they had to swim across with their clothes on their heads.
> > I thought Charley just wasn't hungry, his bowl still had a little bit of
> > food he hadn't eaten.]
> >
> > Driving, I find my drivers license which was lost,
> > has "restricted" torn off. Diana says her friend came home with sperm on
> > her face, had to be comforted. She tried to throw the guy out but it was
> > his house. I have a diaphram in my mouth folded in half like Halloween
> > wax lips. I look in the mirror and my face is covered with a nylon that
> > goes inside my mouth, nose, over the eyes. Mary Tyler Moore comes in and
> > says she wants to do yoga. I say okay even though I have to go somewhere.
> >
> >
> > Second hand store, trying on pink and white suede
> > tall boots. Models/mannequins are real people, very tall. Then , go down
> > tunnel, man went first, got scared. I come and tell him to just face the
> > things -- they are like dreams. Animals running right for us, but pass
> > through them. Then we come on a manuscript which we have to read.
> > Another couple behind us, read page one and pass it on. Then books on
> > wall. Jerry, "we have to move them." Jerry not really interested, doing
> > poor job. Job sewing, checking books and records -- middle aged guy
> > (trucker) wants to come and have job. [Jerry got a new girlfriend that
> > was a lawyer and moved to Chicago. Dumdum hired a big burly veteran who'd
> > been laid off as a cook, but he sat and held Hartley and cried so Margaret
> > took him to work with her at her new restaurant, the Free Lunch. In the
> > morning Hartley (2 1/2) was grouchy and tired when Dawn dropped him off
> > and he'd tell you he didn't like you. He made Margaret and me both cry.]
> >
> > Woman (Ginna) raping me. In house go upstairs. I
> > kiss her foot. My aunt Lucille and cousins April and Mike come -- April
> > in complicated halter top. [Ginna worked at Head Start but left her
> > daughter at Dumdum - her daughter left for Kindergarten and I only saw her
> > a couple of times. Our stepmom, Jean, told Lucille that Shirley was
> > getting married and Lucille said that Shirley was too lazy to get married
> > -- she never cooked or cleaned, all she'd do is iron her own clothes -- of
> > which she had truckloads. Shirley and April were born two months apart,
> > Sandy, Mike and Steve were born May, June and July -- Mom and her sisters
> > and sisters-in-law were pregnant several times together. Mom complained
> > because she was as big as a barn, 7 months along (3rd kid) when Lucille
> > was 9 along with her 2nd and Lucille wanted to take all us kids (me 5 and
> > two 3 year olds) to a Walt Disney movie and then she'd sleep through the
> > movie and faint from the heat and Mom had her on her hands too.]
> >
> > Two guys, one blond who are playing their
> > instruments at church. They play them very loud, jazzed up. The blond
> > guy is particularly manic, comes and plays right by my head - something
> > comes down to surround me. People are upset and decide to vote whether or
> > not to kick them out -- I vote no, man votes yes. They ask the guy beside
> > me -- I turn and it is Nixon and he has both arms raised. Two theses come
> > in whose covers are exactly alike, but not titles. Mine is about kids
> > grabbing a purple flower (carnation), turns to fish -- grabbing it in tank
> > in back of truck, turns to young boy. Girl next door, Barb chases him --
> > I slow him down with my feet. Rock the truck. Finally Barb gets out and
> > lays on the ground. She's wearing a blue polyester suit.
> >
> > Going to plant a tree. I plant a cedar tree and
> > plan to plant a cherry tree but there is a men's store there. Minty stuff
> > in a little bottle then ice cream appears. I offer it to two men on
> > either side of me. Offer blue blouse to J -- she doesn't want, too
> > expensive. I help maid clean picky old peoples' room. My relatives come
> > and cook in my kitchen. Judy cooks pancakes. Shirley gets all three
> > toyshelves Dad built we three girls when we were kids. [Mom was
> > complaining about no money when she was 50 and I told her to get a job --
> > she's 70 now and still working for the County doing Home Care part time.
> > Sometimes the old ladies accuse her of stealing their huge old-lady
> > underwear. I tell her they probably think of her as the "Irish girl" maid
> > they had as kids.]
> >
> > People by Wesley House ask about Harvey Mandel
> > record and a doctor for a guy's eye which is infected. [During the
> > anti-war riots in May 1970 and following springs, one guy at a party was
> > telling how he got the impulse to take off all his clothes and the
> > police/national guard got him trapped in the alley at Wesley House and
> > beat him and took him to jail naked as evidence.]
> >
> > A big flood, later move furniture out of bedroom
> > (chairs) for some meeting. I hide under a table behind the table cloth in
> > an attic. Overhear a lecture. Tell some people about a mystery
> > information. Woman wants to do something to my hair in front of an
> > audience -- like pull some out. I say no. She has a wig of long red hair
> > braided that I unbraid and put on. Later I think I've made a mistake -- I
> > could mention the secret knowlege if I was onstage. On some sort of
> > pilgrimage, something to do with Los Angeles. I get ahead on a bus, pile
> > of clothes, I buy purple shorts. Man goes to bathroom and another guy
> > hits me with a sock. Pat and a woman try to talk me into going ahead, but
> > I go back. Man has new white pants and T-shirt. Go into house with
> > missing door, man sitting in chair. Woman tries to figure route, man
> > says, "I'll have to rebuild mill, will cost a lot (this is on Canada road
> > through LA). Go on, down stone stairs, I keep getting hurt -- miss
> > stairs. See a giant black guy --several men keep him upright, one man
> > propping him at the solar plexus -- stops people drinking. Then journey
> > again -- black guy tries to get me to go down wrong stairs, he has a
> > little boy -- follows me.
> >
> > Riding in a boat down a (very murky brown water)
> > little creek with two branches. Get to larger creek -- think, I could
> > ride to river. Then think about no paddle and walking back. Bigfoot
> > tracks, about 18 toes. Man on horse lies about who he is -- J tries to
> > tell me, but I don't know who any of the people are. Decide not to go.
> > Collecting stuff to move, J and I have to carry boat. Have two gas tanks
> > -- lots of stuff I don't want. Mary and Jerry are helping me take it
> > home. Scene changes to rough man chasing "cows" on horse. Ropes one
> > around ass with an Argentine bola (rocks on the ends of ropes). His
> > helper kills a calf - in trailer. Tells his wife what to do, calls her by
> > wrong name -- her name is Margaret, he calls her Virginia -- hits her with
> > a long thin sharp thing. Then gynechologist -- fat woman chickens out.
> > Marcia Rehbein [Dad in mental hospital when we were in Junior High, mom
> > traded the farm for a house near the mental hospital] gets two shots
> > before they find out that white stuff is A and E from operation. Sheila
> > Kelly has lots of food, says it's from the full moon.
> >
> > Staying in a motel room, J and I and a man first. I
> > bring all my plants and they're all blooming, even the cedar and oleander
> > is pink [Gram Esther brought to Iowa from Texas]. Other people come.
> > Steve, Ronnie (wants Johnson's oil), Judy has been there but left and took
> > Johnson's. Pat gets roll-away because now there are five people. I find
> > some food, turkey and bread and eat some of the bread even though it's wet
> > -- put much aside for animals. Wall gone, people standing on the hill,
> > two men at the top throw quarters and then tennis balls and girls run
> > after them -- man tells me to get in line after Barb but I say I don't
> > want to. I go down hill and find a nickel and then an area with red moss
> > and snow which has many nickels and a few marbles. Some little kids come
> > along and they've found a dime which they say has the face of a girl on
> > it. I don't want them to see the nickels. Someone says Dad's family are
> > camped nearby and my father or grandfather says to come over. I say, "let
> > them come here" but mean "later". Dad approaches, he still has a little
> > limp, is very friendly, treats me like a child. I show him the nickels,
> > he says they look

>

look like they have chocolate in them. I tell him about the
> > boys throwing the ball and the girls chasing it, he has his arm around me.
> > I go to Dumdum and things have been done sloppily and I start making the
> > bed. Pat walks in and he's had both his feet amputated -- walks on
> > crutches and has little flaps for feet. He is very self-conscious and
> > rushes up a hill. Later I leave and see the house of a little boy who
> > lives with his grandparents. They have a rocking chair and a shelf in a
> > little room the size of a closet, and the rest of their stuff is outside
> > along the edge of a building. Then I lay out beautiful pieces of cloth on
> > a long table following a diagram. The pieces of cloth are all jumbled
> > together in a wagon -- Shirley and I are working together. She gets
> > grouchy because I want to dig out several at once. The wagon has gotten
> > quite a ways further down the hill.
> >
> > Walking down street near Prairie du Chien in Iowa
> > City. See house where man says Peter, Paul and Mary lived and I ask if
> > they really did. Now three women live there -- names on house, I go in
> > and it is Dumdum moved closer to where we live. Two women come up with a
> > nice leather basketball and say they're selling games, I go with them and
> > kids follow. They have mainly bikes and you have to put them together
> > yourself and they are only $5 less. Go in, Mom cutting up large packages
> > of frozen vegetables instead of her home canned ones. Thin dark haired
> > girl tells me to get on train, I give her some vegetables. Ask Mom why
> > kids don't have to help too, just me. She says they don't do it right.
> > They are outside, sunning, sketching. I consider helping her but think of
> > the time involved and have to get moving. Collect all the kids, lift them
> > out of Mom's bedroom. A letter of mine on the chest of drawers.
> >
> > J and I go again to California, check in, third
> > person this time, room cheaper. I start trying on my clothes and come up
> > with a new combination -- pink tights and a low cut sequinned T-shirt and
> > skirt over a gray sweater. People come in, mothers -- make fun of the
> > food, which is home cooking. Top of refrigerator opens as if by magic --
> > face of guy whose writing we used. He likes how we've used it -- this
> > happens several times. Smell of old books or attic. Woman named Lillian
> > dying old woman/attic. Wants to will things to me.
> >
> > I go with Steve to Paul's. Dave there, also Ronnie.
> > Paul says, "there are girls here." Dave says, "it's okay today -- they
> > always know when it's okay," then tells about song he listened to that
> > made him lose his clothes/come. Then I go to the Coralville Library and
> > see J (fall asleep on the sidewalk after telling about Rhoda) -- she found
> > a different edition of Man, Myth and Symbols (Jung) and one of the
> > pictures is pottery embedded in a wall. There's a castle with lids on the
> > windows. I write down name in back -- Oregon. A merger of A Brittanica
> > and a crayon company -- American Can publish it [American Can company in
> > Des Moines made plastic bags a pale skinny blond girl told me when I
> > worked at Midwest Bag making paper bags]. A merger of one of my fingers
> > goes through the wall. I am hoping, homing. I think my name was Mr.
> > Boyfriend. You are ugly. N. animus. Go out, a trailer across the road
> > now and it's supposed to be empty, but not. Steve sunbathing, tan
> > already. A cat -- which I worry about giving away but others say it will
> > run away. I come home with three sacks of groceries -- two men live with
> > us "Charley and I". Then I go into our second bedroom and realize that my
> > sister had been living with us -- but is gone and we can use her room.
> > There are two very large tables for work tables and two double beds --
> > look at the quilts on one -- four or five very nice quilts, the reds of
> > different hues and one made of velvet. Women in our second room, they all
> > bring food, potluck -- one made two macaroni salads. I think, why do we
> > have to have someone living with us all the time? Two girls talking to
> > Steve. Hear about Dumdum -- kids raped at different daycare. Waiting for
> > Dave on Dad's lawn -- May is there. [Dave was the only one of the Iowa
> > City bunch, plus I heard, Morty, that got divorced.] Two little girls,
> > May finds out that one climbed on two shelves and picks up a huge stick
> > and chases her around yard. She successively picks up smaller sticks and
> > the girl also -- a duel. Guy with green plastic dust in his balls --
> > something to do with Xerox. Steve asks May about me -- do I get the rest
> > I'm always talking about.
> >
> > Man and I live in a trailer under cabin where Janet
> > Frimmel and a man live. The back is the kitchen -- their sink drips down
> > into ours. We leave. Man dressed in white see-through suit insists on
> > calling J -- calls 33_-5846, wrong number. Then with a group of scruffy
> > people, one of whom is going to be executed. Man and woman dancing with
> > apes. Man starts filling out forms -- decides to be hung, not whipped.
> > They come in, very cleaned up. We look at art work on walls, my shoes
> > look like roller skates. Legs pretty useless. One art piece, a woman
> > with a fox on her back, purple, going after something beautiful in the
> > distance. She was supposed to be a picture of evil. Sit down, drinks
> > come in plastic wine glasses that come apart at the bottom. Man makes
> > waiter tell him everything on menu, waiter pulls a curtain around the
> > table, asks for my ID -- says I'm a writer, journalist of men's something.
> > Rich girl in a big house. I keep going back for something, doing the same
> > series of actions -- one of which is shut the door on the leopard. Drive
> > down hill, lots of cars coming other way -- one scrapes another.
> >
> > Jews forget that the day they pick is partly because
> > it's the only day they can and partly because it makes them happy. Two
> > lovers are a door that won't close. I get them together -- then I feel
> > like I have a penis and look for an empty room. There are girls
> > everywhere in little rooms or just sleeping on rows of cots. Man is
> > watching TV -- I am in the other room washing clothes and crying. I go
> > outside. Karma Loo. [Mom called us three girls S Lou, S Sue and S Jo.]
> >
> > In a Korean restaurant -- good food. Then in a tall
> > building. Part about actors not making much money. Then someone says
> > that there are a king, queen and also that the queen is less dangerous.
> > On a bridge. On a bridge -- Naem and Sebastian there. I try to hug both
> > at once, but they don't like each other. Mom and Dad go into a back room.
> > -- my first boyfriend, Mike Koch's [born the day before me at the hospital
> > and Mom met his mother but then he flunked and was a year younger than me]
> > little sister, Linda, eavesdrops. She says Dad asked if Mom would beg for
> > anything. Mom's voice yells angrily. Mr. Soaper, high school guidance
> > counselor in control of a party with presents. Mom in charge of money --
> > I get $20, someone gets softball.
> >
> > By the bridge by the boy's dorm -- Hillcrest
> > (Scott's dorm). Woman carrying heavy bluegreen chair puts it down. She
> > says she is from the art building -- 40th floor and a male ballerina (his
> > slippers the same stuff as the chair -- but they are really red) slipped
> > in dogshit and kicked the chair out the window. He was wearing boots over
> > the ballet slippers (really carpet slippers). She then says that she
> > catalogs everything and without her it would be a mess. She also takes
> > pictures that are used for advertising. I get in car, Steve and J already
> > in. We drive through delta area -- small houses and get to bridge of the
> > beginning of the dream -- stand on bridge. It has a kitchen with a sink,
> > soaps, etc. A young guy lives there. There is also a room down from the
> > bridge kitchen. Fans boo him for blocking out -- father wanted him to be
> > an announcer but he wanted to be a toymaker. A map of the USA divided
> > into areas. In a school room. Teacher asks about evil people. I say
> > they are people with munitions factories. Sheila Kelly says, any person
> > who fucks five people -- pick best fuck each time. First one Tom -- ended
> > up with Irish cook -- gone alot. White wavey lines are vibrations of
> > spirit energy -- from sun. Go straight through the great heart. Go to
> > dairy to deliver can of milk and something else, go around -- man and wife
> > at that entrance. Clean out closets in a garage with my sister -- for
> > Jack Carter, each get $40. [Jack worked somewhere that laid off the ones
> > with most seniority at 80% pay and kept the cheaper workers working.] Pat
> > threatens me with a fork -- I can hold him down easily. Allan says he
> > likes good conversation. Pat says I should read more books - I am boring
> > when I talk. He just wants money, I ask how much he'll sell paintings for
> > -- he says $100.
> > Man hysterical because I criticized the way he
> > brushes his teeth -- lying on couch screaming. Naive, defensive. Tyrant
> > -- Tyr ant. Ty runt.
> >
> > Dream theories. Puns: scuba diver means deep; bus
> > driver means token; truck driver means semi. Private partz. Bedspring,
> > the sun underlying a burst of plants. Revolutionaries -- change
> > post-office boxes. Quarreling line is psychological battle. Paul
> > Ingram's grandmother would always say: "I see you're of the Jewish
> > persuasion" and tell him to "ask him about doing your duty" (poop) every
> > morning. [Paul worked at Iowa Book and Supply (known as Iowa Book and
> > Crook during the anti-war riots -- sold textbooks and married Harry
> > Epstein's (owned a rival bookstore) ex-wife -- Harry told her if she was a
> > tea she'd be called Constant Comment. Paul's dad was a diplomat in
> > Washington DC and his parents never spanked their kids but when they were
> > teenagers they had them committed to St Elizabeth's mental hospital for
> > people who want to see the president. Van Gogh advertising Mr.
> > Schizophrenia "before I painted like this..." Rich Club -- never lose a
> > fight, never win a war. May told me my husband was working for peanuts.

Kid dream of rabbits up in the sky standing right on
the edge of a hole in the clouds peering down. Finally they jump -- into a
beautiful garden with strawberry plants, flowers. Nice cool evening, weeds
all pulled and soil cultivated, soft.
1978 -- I'm walking along a ridge in a big town.
Have to get down to ground level by going over roofs. Pass a Taco Bell. Then
at ground level you have to walk through peoples' houses -- find the doors
through a warren of rooms. Bedrooms, living rooms with people sitting there
with cans in their hands watching TV, kids riding their tricycles. I go into
a mansion, lights off, a lot of people, but scattered out. One room has a
huge pool.

1976 continued
Pictures of two women getting an award in a
magazine. J and I both see it. Go to house, usually can't get it. Turns
out, girl there is delivering things to the Communists -- I steal it, learn
part of it, remove thing I wrote ( I worked for them at first thinking they
were good). Part about fish that they put their eyes out. The Imperator
wants to see me, someone says. Part about how they store their fuel without
blowing up ship. New design will appear which will be profitable and house
the people. I fight with girl. Polish guy, he is the tall blond guy -- I
tell him his country will someday be free. I am punished by Dr. Johnson --
have to write essay on origin of homosexuality. Going down road which is
moving -- covered with thick carpet. Surface is nice but underneath bumpy.
Going through a "jungle" "zoo" -- on a bike trail and find out it is a zoo
with loose animals. I am in the snake part -- large snake bites my toe, I
stick a basket in its mouth when it strikes more. One snake around my head
-- which I feel is a cobra, when I finally get the courage. Put it off and
hold it down until men come -- say hope I haven't hurt snake -- they trim
it. I have to make out my own request to see doctor, isn't busy season --
summer. Moving road becomes moving conveyor of food lecture about how
important salad makers are. I crawl over the food. A person comes along
passing out pudding. Says important to do job not just talk about going to
college. In California, see Rockford fruit market. Jon visited J & G and
just wanted to eat with G. She thinks men can't handle a woman who's
successful. I say that happens all the time to me -- so we eat lunch
together. Then walking, we walk right through a clothing store which is
closed. I smile at women and kids -- J says she yelled at man running
place, said she could do it as well. Buy candy that looks like lentils.
[Jon was born the same day as me, ten years before I was born. We looked
very alike -- stringy red/blond hair. His mother died in childbirth giving
birth to him. Perhaps he thought I was his mother. I remember a dream
where I was having a baby on a farm and floated up by the ceiling -- I was a
tall, slender redhead in the dream -- like the woman I've seen several times
in my life.] Man and I at Tarot lecture -- someone holds up two cards -- one
with lots of swords which I say is 10 but it is more like 8 and one with
water and asks which one is about me. I say most likely both - person is a
stern woman. The sound is nun (Hebrew) or "n". A movie starts up from the
card -- door appears, woman walks through it, courtship series, finally
woman and man in pool of water -- man lays her down, then pushes her under,
she surfaces and he reaches under her and pulls out a woman with short brown
hair who is a little fat. I am left sitting there, long red hair, nude.
Man and I walk, he mentions donuts. We stop in a place where hear things
under the sidewalk. They are large brown animals, one woodchuck looking up
at me, rats crawling around. One walks in back of me -- I say to the man, I
don't like this place, I want to leave. He lies down to sleep, I try to
tempt him to wake up with donuts. Other people come in, I'm distraught.
[SUV tipped over in the Rhino pen yesterday, KNIX news radio story 6-27-01,
just before going into the crocodile enclosure.]
Baby on a table. Person across and I both grab it
at the same time so it won't fall. Mother uses brown cloth diapers because
newborn are too expensive. She cuts right up the baby's back and over its
head like it metamorphizes. Then it walks under the bed. I begin to
lecture a three year old for doing this, not obeying me -- show him by going
behind the bed and not coming out. He says the difference is that he asks
questions. We are doing some project now. Man to family -- don't you guys
miss me? He has some sperm in a jar and I sit down and put it in my vagina
to show him. I ride a horse, two horses -- one facing each way, go together
to a small shop run by a woman that in other dreams was a jewelry store.
Sewer in the basement, woman comes up, I'm not happy with that. I have the
face of a maniac - I saw a little accident out in LA and I'm glad you
haven't seen it -- while thinking about cameras. Tripped by Henry Lewis.
Allan burned himself -- take him to doctor. [Jon spilled a cup of hot
coffee in his crotch and was too shy to take off his pants, at their house,
Cinda told me -- she worked as a secretary at University Hospital.] I am to
take a written test given by the mechanic at the Rambler dealer. Visit
insane asylum, people all pretty normal but dumb. "Love affairs" -- one guy
interested in other women, they in him. All normal people sitting around
with friends smoking, pictures on billboards. Visit Dad's farm -- all
animals left alone. Baby pigs make a break out of pig pens, cow shit up to
fence. Mom's cows in clean stalls in corn crib. S & G problems, she says
sex is boring and thinks he fools around. Just came home to our trailer --
have sanded pieces of wood -- Vernon has lots of them piled in driveway. I
am fitted with an artificial penis. School, boys and girls shower together.
I fight with Bill over a shower, go in, Cheryl, girl next door and another
girl come in and when Bill gives me more trouble they all take care of him.
I kick him lightly in the balls through the curtain. Cheryl has red and
blue rims around where her face hooks on from dying. I get red powder all
over my face which from another angle looks like sharp silver things. I
wipe off makeup on a towel. Girls ask me about selling script, disbelief
some. I bet Joyce $5 that we'll sell one by Aug 1st. [Bill was always
drumming his pencil, tapping his feet and singing and the fifth grade
teacher put him in front of me.] Voice, "dreaming of dung hills is a sign
that you are uncovering something dangerous - something kept hidden." I
also think that dreaming of skinny people is death. [Shyama told me that in
Sri Lanka dreaming about poop means getting money and a lot of poop is a lot
of money. I dreamed about a man who turns into a skeleton twice -- just
legs the first dream in 70's then whole skeleton in 90s.]
"Problem of projection" -- at Stewart's. Wearing
faded woven skirt. In house of woman who teaches 7th grade -- she says all
they are interested in is sugar -- says I should use coupons, shows me some
for eggs. Movie idea -- Mad Woman of Chaillot -- ending, give them LSD and
then when they've become crazy people, let them loose. Nixon as underling,
CIA Rockefeller. Call up people to give her advice -- Buckminister Fuller,
Albert Einstein. Warden who treats prisoners like babies.
One of my photos was drawn large on a piece of paper
by a teacher I didn't know liked me -- also given a green award. I go to
the building behind the school to look at more art but it's locked --
walking with Karla. Go back by buses - tennis shoes are $31. Susan
outside, says she'll marry somebody - love doesn't matter, you can pretend.
I tell her to watch out for psychotics and upset her. [star forward on team
-- a new handsome boy wanted to date her in her sophomore year but she
didn't want to get pregnant like her three sisters did.] Man does something
against the law -- I'm amazed.
I am at Next to New which has been moving its
location to various places. It's actually a front for a powerful
organization. I am looking through the magazines and find two Playboys --
one has the distorted pictures by a famous guy that I read about once. I
glance at the other pictures/Sophia Loren. One picture is of a woman held
at arm's length giving a guy a blow job in a pipe (or under sand). Can't be
too open. Suddenly the phone rings and a cock comes out the receiver and
I'm giving the blow job. Connie hears it and calls the police. The locks
on the doors are very high, but I crash against a green door and get out. I
run very fast, my legs work perfectly. I drive to Gram Esther's where three
men are playing baseball on the porch. I say to come inside, I have
something very important to tell him. The police are going to arrest us.
Someone says he'll run away to South Florida. I have a job of maid and
sidewalk sweeping. Women try to change their husbands' outlooks by playing
music. I also dust things off and put them away. Construction workers dump
loads of polished rocks in the entrances of all the buildings. Mom asks if
room is Haldeman's but I can't tell after they're cleaned. [I worked at
Howard Johnson's as a maid until I was 18 and got the job at Midwest Bag --
maids don't make minimum wage.]
On a bus, Mary Ann lives near me. There are some
people I don't want to know where I live -- two men (probably Don -- ghost)
that are thieves. She almost tells them but I cover her mouth and yell at
her. Julie lives up the hill at Taft's (next door) and a witch is staying
with her -- an old woman who yells wildly and burns fires. I talk to Julie
-- and she says the woman raped her and demolished her house. Julie felt
very cramped with her in the house. Julie is getting married the next day
and I'm helping her get ready -- clean. Two men go into college buildings
to steal fire extinguishers. Cindy C did it once but says she won't again.
[Julie told me that one border guard crossing to Canada did body cavity
searches on her every time she crossed and she wouldn't go anymore -- there
was a psychic that lived over there.] Some change in Grandpa Bill's
routine so he can't shit -- he's in a rage. [he got colon cancer around 1988
and died around 1990.] Walking down sidewalk -- pass swimming pool, lots of
old people there. J gets on top of the water to put some on face, cool off.
Raccoon tracks. Go to large building where we go up and down the stairs --
a hood type guy and I pick things up off the stairs, grease gun for me, oil
can for him. Go outside, S & G there, she saved up five weeks vacation and
is in a jubilant mood. She playfully crosses Burlington and gets on a
10-speed with training wheels. She rides ahead. I start towards golf
course, say we should walk there and back. Shirley wants exercise, S & G
don't, so we start off. I smell something dead, go on and it's a red dog
with a snarl on its face -- some other animal eating it. Sun is down so I
think we should only cross field and come back, no time to cut through the
golf course. J & G -- their car, they have something in the back they want
tamed -- an aspect of women -- but it's work related. Deposit $668. I am
in LA -- go to look at dress J says she likes, she comes up -- came all the
way to tell me to hurry, parents said to be there at a certain time, bring
gallon of cream. I get back and none of them are anywhere to be found. I
live in a house with other people and a girl comes to my room and somehow I
know we've had sex -- she disappears. J doesn't come back from LA. There
is a large group of women, make fun of me? I go to business place -- ABM,
American Business Machines. They give candy away among staff - production
sends it to other departments. I look in at the people in the basement, very
old, been there a long time. Animals helpful and tame, little kid helps me.
J has a baby that she has to push along in a carriage. That's why she got
behind in LA.
Some kind of ritual to perform in barnyard - I try
to turn on light, but there are a lot of switches. Lots of stuff in a
shed. Someone up in plane -- place is filled with rabbits or pigs -- some
even got smashed on the floor. Men are going to butcher them, don't want me
to hold them because I held them too low before. Sandy makes a picture with
a machine that drops sand. They are amazing -- one with Snow Queen
snowflakes. I open up a package of things that were supposed to belong to a
holy man. Hold coins in experiment. Guy across asks if I'm sick. First.
Some rabbits run like the wind -- associated with smooth leg muscles like a
skinned rabbit. Man and woman tell about their experiences. The man was an
actor in a rowboat with two women with the same name. They both pretended
to be worried that they wouldn't do good -- the man said that he would move
the wrong way. In Penny's, old man clerk is rude to a male customer -- I
tell him off. People leave store, go to bathroom, all plugged up but one.
In student union basement where I work with Lorna. Then, I come upon a man
and woman who have a job but don't know what it is. People talking about
Sally and Morty. I'm in Grandma's bathroom, man attempts break-in. Woman,
red hair like me, comes in and asks if people in Missouri used their
knowledge for their own gain (Missouri is the ground floor of the union).
I say I don't think so. Go to Union with Dennis S, he found a new plant,
flower. Then go off with dark haired woman who has worked for guy upstairs
80 hours. We walk along "strip" -- go to Bingo place where her little girl
is -- a two year old. I have to go back to check theses -- she says it is
"above the beach". Then, man and I go to "Barb's" -- a house in a section
where all the houses are deserted, broken windows -- look at stuff and then
I want to leave. As we leave, two men and a woman come home. Large black
dog bites man's ankle. One guy is naked, cock very long like elephant
trunk. "Barb" gets in backseat of our car -- says she would like to stay
but will "go and melt." Then there are several people all talking about the
length of that guy's cock, how old he is (can't tell). White spots on my
thighs. [Barb moved into the next-door trailer, was dating Morty, then got
a job as a curator in a museum in Las Vegas.]
Idea for Rockford script -- wide fancy tires on his
car -- something happens to one. Factory that has to do with steel -- no
women get jobs, except low paying. I have driving job and get into it --
very aggressive. I think that if women were allowed into high-paying jobs
-- many would compete for them and the wages for women's work would go up to
protect themselves.
I go into a bank and there is a hold-up going on --
I tell a guy who lets the employees in and try to call the police. Then I'm
at a counter with another woman and O man studying. O man is interested in
me -- finally shake him when he goes into bathroom and has experience --
thinks he's going to die. Voice says he's the perverse face of the moon. I
say, yes, he has a wife too. He denies looking at me. She puts him to bed.
I pack to leave, dirty clothes and lots of shoes -- gray sweat shoes and
black rubber boots. Mom says Nathan is happy about the way I woke her up,
but doesn't say so to me. Barb has a kid, named Sebastian, outside. I ask
him in to get warm, wrap him in blanket. He says it's humiliating to be
ordered around. Then Barb is outside burning things like crayons and
Hershey Bars. Other kids appear, two are Barb's. One larger kid who wants
to borrow our horseshoes.
Living in a crummy place because it has two neat
"wells" -- look like cement wells in the two rooms. Woman in the hall who
is loud -- I turn off extra lights, cover myself with a silk cloth. Look at
Tarot cards, see caves in Hermit card, think of buying another deck and
putting them in a stereo viewer. Go to hen house with Mom -- gather eggs,
throw broken, soft cooked one out door. Car is in a large dirt floor
garage. Drive backwards down a highway for awhile, then gradually turn
around. In a store that sells silver rings with stone settings. A little
kid breaks one. I pick up the pieces. Shirley is buying something. The
"adult" woman wants her to buy a vest which looks like a doll's vest but
expands to fit her -- they are both pink, one has sequins and the other
rabbit fur. At the same time, paradoxically she is saying she wants the
vest -- which is on sale for $16. Both things she wants are $16. I go to
look at dresses, some pretty ones -- flour sack type and printed T-shirts
are on sale for $2. I take several into bathroom to try them on, Karen J
(high school) is in the next stall trying on also. A bomb goes off after I
think one might and makes a hole in floor, sprays concrete.
I wake up at 6:15 and Vernon (landlord) is sitting
on the edge of our bed figuring out statistics on fuel oil use. Next he
goes over to Barb's trailer. I get up and he's bent the connectors for our
meditation tent (replica of Great Pyramid). My brother is there and I
decide to go bawl Vernon out. Then I go outside and J&G's car is there --
we borrowed it and left ours with them last night and are supposed to return
it by 6:30. I drive, I'm on the passenger's side but there are two steering
wheels and I am driving. The road is mountainous and trees are down -- some
with pointed ends like beavers felled them. Man and I pick up the car and
carry it over. Then I leave him behind with a book he had, he's
complaining. I get there and it's Sunday, in the back of the daycare. J
has a blond little girl and a little boy in diapers. When on the upper
floor of the daycare, she's an old woman -- gray hair, pink stretch pants,
but downstairs in a store turns back into herself with a group of friends --
taller than me and very elegant of expression and dress.
Two old women behind trailer -- say the last man who
lived here fell down the hill and broke his neck. Then they throw a brown
ball and hit a man on the head. Going around end of trailer -- two thin,
dark haired girls come up and yell at us angrily. I think I'm awake and
must react as if I'm dreaming -- so I attack them. Go into a hair dressing
department with Minnie Pearl to find directions. Walk down Mom's road with
Paul -- he kisses me and I say my husband won't like it, but he says he
predicted we would walk. There are two people studying in a boat, water
leaks in. Paul gets in a boat and I pull him, the water has mud bottom and
there are all kinds of water animals. A crayfish grabs my ankle and I get
out of the water. I watch and edit color movies. Bronx has new breed of
brat. At Dad's -- I run towards Van Meter (six miles) -- then go to where
there's a group of people, man and I kissing, but people

come so we go out.
Group of little girls playing with make-up. I give a lecture on "why
fingernail polish is terrible." There is a box of excavated ceramic animals
and people -- giraffes, scribble figures, etc. Gram washed them off but I
want to keep them and do.
I dream that man tells me he fucked May five times.
He gets angry, I upset. He angry because I know what she looks like. I go
out to talk to him -- I'm split into two - my calm half doesn't care. I ask
him if he wants be faithful in marriage and he walks off exasperated. Go
back to sleep. I am very upset - trying to find a man who is ahead of me.
I go to a circus under a bridge which is college women pretending to fuck
stuffed animals. They look bored. Then I start up the hill and some
relatives who know where the animal barns are (he wouldn't go there). I go
by Dumdum, riding a tricycle). Greg, girlfriend and two little girls are
there selling clothes. I start off again and little girl runs and catches
up with car and says, "you lost your lead." I tell her to take it back to
Dumdum and they'll do something with it. Go back to circus, saw people
there. Two men sneaked in and are talking boisterously. I look around and
there is a terrible cage with some kind of animal -- maybe monkey. Bob,
Richard, Darlene are there from Chicago and there is a ritual. There are
too many people. The Japanese two's and six's (year olds?) are in this
section. The cruel man who runs the ritual goes through pretending he
doesn't know who sneaked in -- saying to one man that he is going on a trip
with Steve (Hanson) and he trusts him. I want to wish him well, but want to
go -- but it would change the nature of the trip if I was there. Man
touches some people on the head and we follow him -- to the cage I saw
earlier. I think, "the thing you hate most is the last thing you do." The
person who shows me in is laughing and cruel. It is the cage with the white
monkey in it - looks like spider web. They say that "they said they were
hungry --we'll pour chicken soup down on them." I can't go in, and since
the girl hurries back for more, I sneak past the door and out. I'm wearing
a long skirt and carrying some things and stomp like the girls did so no one
will know me. As I walk through the bleachers, they empty out. I think
about coming up with a plan for breaking the others out. As I walk down the
road, four cars drive up and stop. There is water standing in the grass
below. Another woman is beside me -- an outcast from the group. Joye is in
the group -- the girl says that Joye married someone who married her for her
tits and then she changed. Joye knows that she said this somehow and comes
over -- saying to the girl that neither one of them would ever have hips.
They are planning something.
I see redheaded guy who tried to pick up Julie. He
admits he is obsessed with picking up women and that is all he can do, but
he doesn't try to pick me up. I visit Julie, main things -- she cut her
hair, living with a man. I help her fix up her kitchen. She says the sound
of the bears fighting bothers her. Jerry and Karen say they don't like me
anymore because I'm late or don't see them often enough. Jerry in a
battered blue van. Pack books, many library, a battered Rosicrucian one --
orange/brown ripped cover. Hippies rolling joints a in Kindergarten, man
fucks woman in her band aides (weaknesses) -- they are pasted on her body,
one is on her ribs. I'm packing dirty clothes to visit my mother, this has
to be done. Smart ass black guy comes in, then there is a big Christian
meeting and we read aloud sayings. Mine is about a childless woman acting
as a nurse; but I say instead, "beware of the person with one arm around
your shoulder and their other in your pocket." [Grandma always said about
church.] Then that guy says I win an organ, says it is pretty; it isn't
especially -- which becomes 40 pairs of organ shoes. My feet are red from
cold. He puts my foot against his and asks if I want the shoes to touch my
big toe or little one -- I say neither. Most people leave. Shelley has
made food in the toilet with lots of rice - so have to piss outside. I
write letters to the Rosicrucians.
In Shirley's room -- now two double beds, very nice.
Little room sanctum, brown chair. I think it's a bathroom. Mom says
Shirley made the same mistake, don't worry. I sit up by organ, which is
alter. It sounds like someone is playing but must be a recording. Going to
help Paul find a place to live -- on interstate. Stop and hook up someone's
boat trailer. Hole too big for hitch. Karla on bus, I get some art work,
beautiful powder stuff -- she tries to take all the favorites. Man runs
food machine.
J and I in California looking over Maude scripts.
First we are living there -- sitting in front of garage, me naked. Blond
daughter comes. There are races in swimming pool associated with red, blue,
green among main characters. The thing that we focus on is development of
Carol, maybe rape. I plant a row of petunias in each of two gardens. Then a
dark haired daughter comes home who is very loose and friendly. Friend is
green, Maude red, Carol is blue, she tries to act tough but can't pull it
off. Water race gets mixed up -- then in bus passing beach of lake -- I say
it's California. My legs are being treated by a doctor -- pouring warm
water of some kind over them. The hairs look long and dark but I'm not
embarrassed. People divided into three parts, will the parts recognize each
other? I slap myself in the face.
At Dumdum Jason drives a green car jacked up in the
back. I look up his birthday -- Oct 2, 1971, he's five years old. I turn
his mom in for letting him drive. I want to turn him in as dangerous. When
I go nearer, it is a tractor. There is a huge apple pulling the branch to
the ground. I pick it. There is a card with my "hours" on it at Dumdum --
seems I'm still working there. Me driving on interstate -- hamburger stand
in the shape of an animal. With several women on farm run by rich old guy.
We leave, I dump alcohol on ground. There was oily yellow stuff on tops of
drinks. Too late now, won't sell anything unless out there -- J saying they
aren't leaving until September 1st, wants to switch off between truck and
car. [We moved to California September 9th, moved in car. They moved a
couple of weeks later, in a moving van.]
Two guys, one dark hair, very friendly. I say
they're just friendly to eligible women -- but they aren't. I say I was
wrong -- gather up stuff. Too much to carry and ask them to guard black
trunk. Put box on my head, the edges droop. We start off -- three people,
relax, makes load easier. Down by stream with my writing -- putting them in
green bowls and pan to "cool off" partly. Set them in water. Don't want to
leave them, might rain. Water all around. Soak things up by osmosis --
open to outside ideas -- all "wash out" unuseful existing things.
Walking down Mom's road. I have a baby -- come in
just at the end. I want to do something right away, but have to lie around,
fix formula. There's some confusion whether it's a boy or a girl. I feel
trapped but think of the baby's feelings. I pick it up but it seems to
prefer to be by itself. An older kid comes up -- a boy who is evidently
my child also. It begins talking about parents who don't want their kids,
from the kids' point of view, "Vickie, when you're having a hard time
tolerating me, I'm having a hard time tolerating you, too." Then it is
years later and they are playing outside and I still realize how entrapping
kids are -- lose track of talents.
I'm trying to get my locker open. I am a swimming
teacher. Rhonda (from high school) comes along and a key is supposed to
open it but she gives me a combination lock. Numbers match up with colors.
Even though it seems approximate, it opens. Then I'm working in a crowded
place, Bob's car also there and backs out. [In 1978 I worked as a temp in
an insurance office in Des Moines and they were converting to a filing
system with colors instead of numbers on the file folders. Bob's sister
Cindy worked there permanently -- quit the beautician job because of all the
standing.] Sandy doing gymnastics, very smooth. Making hot chocolate, lots
of it -- level in cups keeps going down. Black guy and Mom want Quick. In
cab, get out - help Cindy write a letter to her psychotic boyfriend. After
waiting in line at a bank. Mine has lots of typos.
Starts at the gym in Van Meter -- a group of people
are producing a play. Two of the Forrett sisters do a routine very well.
Carol W also. Dumdum kids in audience. One part involves a pie with sour
things in it -- someone also wants to put in firecrackers. I escape from a
building -- by going out the window. A man is coming up the stairs. The
roof is very high but slanted down near the ground at the edges. I rush
down and fall relaxed to the ground and roll. Down there is a middle aged
woman on a large black horse. I pull her, then convince her to let me ride
the horse. The saddle slips a little. I ask her if she sabotaged it. She
is on my side now. I ride off --at first enjoying the erotic feeling of the
moving horse. Then, going through a gate, see another male black horse.
I'm afraid he'll start a fight with the horse I'm on. I stare him down,
feel fear, then suppress it. We ride on. There are two sets of reins --
small and large. I don't have all of them and they are tangled on the
horse's face. I pull his head around. At first I can't reach the stirrups,
then can by standing up in them. We come to a very steep grade. I turn the
horse to the right where the grade appears to be less steep and start down.
The horse turns a somersault, then begins sliding down the hill -- my feet
caught in the stirrups. The horse then begins to talk, asks if I'm okay. I
go to help it up. I tend a fire, tear up a whole pile of magazines. The
fire starts out to be on an empty plain but ends up enclosed. J and I go to
a gas station. she gets phony money in change. As we walk down hill, she
tells about car with solid gold headlights and Surinam. A resort -- first
I'm downstairs with very young kids. A little older boys are upstairs and
intimidate us. I run after them and they run away -- find out that yelling
at kids saps all my strength.
At cabin with free rent for week. Men go off --
first women wash clothes but I have to do it all. Then wash dishes. The
men go to a movie. I cook lentils that look like frogs feet. Go out,
people are buying the furniture -- antique. This is how they make money.
Come back -- someone ate most of my lentils -- added fruit. Rhonda cooked
shrimp.
I'm in New York -- take subway/train to Manhattan
where other people are going to the Y. I go to street like Bob and Shelley
described -- it has bums but they are all on one side of the street. I have
a white sack of pennies that don't jingle -- a bum pinches me on the leg and
tries to steal my "candy" - something brown. Gets worse as goes on -- guy
robbing pop machine says, go back. I pinch him back -- get away --cross
back to other side where court house is. Bob and Shelley appear and steal
my $15 bill -- I get it back, run after Bob. J appears, we are both dressed
up for some sort of interview. Start back for the train after disguising
money as newspaper. Now I also have to carry a large bowl of soup that
doesn't slop and a jar of wheat germ. A woman is there who is taking us
"home". The train turns out to be closed and we would have to stay
somewhere. In Iowa City -- very nicely dressed, traveling around town
taking buses. Take one bus which goes straight to Governor Street. Then,
think I should be walking more. Man and I go to VA Hospital, then start
down Highway 6, we go very quickly and get to building we intend to cut
through, but janitor has locked doors while he cleans. Go back upstairs,
where woman is singing a song (ritual) over a large kettle of fish soup.
The fish are still alive and swimming around. I think about the temperature
at which the soup must have been cooked. J's mother sent red pineapple
jello. [When I was working the cash register at the VA canteen one of the
janitors told me that my husband was shooting off his mouth saying the
janitors had an easier job, but it wasn't easy, he'd hurt his back. But
then Steve's boss quit his job as head ward clerk and transferred to a
janitor job -- two out of seven of his ward clerks left -- Steve transferred
to admitting and Sheila Kelly moved to Micronesia.]
Living in cabin 3 -- I have a bunk -- kid. Jane
comes in and offers me a ring made of delicate black with a tall red stone
with a white tip that looks like a diamond. It plays music. Someone
appraises it at $40-150,000. Give to me if help bale hay and lose weight.
Learning computer programming from Buck. Rhonda also there, yells his name
while talking. [Mr. Buck was the science teacher, retired army. His wife
got low blood sugar and ate raisins every afternoon at 3 PM. I can't wear
metal and macramed myself a ring of black thread with a red bead that looks
sort of like ruby. Jean's daughter, Judy lost weight working a summer
detasseling corn -- married a salesman for a food processor. Her ex-husband
invented some machine for processing soybeans and got rich.]
Karen and her skinny sister, Jane pick me up and
want me to go to bar with them. I go back to get my books (red). Doing an
experiment on my own -- red boots, if I have them on can go anywhere. My
sixth grade teacher comes along (Zelda Allcott) and organizes it more -- we
will go in pairs -- to food. I have to go to the bathroom first -- go on
long quest for a restroom. In shower, I take one -- very short man wants me
to tell police woman, Doris that a girl she knows is being held in a house
near her. Sandy appears and says she'll do it as Zelda is mad because I
didn't come back.
Tang - gnat. Odd things. In library, girl steals
my pen, I follow her -- find large pile of Rosicrucian initiations. Then I
feel like staying -- find a book about angels in a drawer. Hear man
talking, look over and two sitting on his lap. Shirley hides behind me -
taking steps when I do. she is dressed in "funny looking" shorts and
doesn't want the woman who is approaching to see her. I am dressed in my
bikini. Go to woman's house as salesperson but just talk -- animals start
appearing, lions. Mom says she was raped by an elephant in a previous life,
because she's afraid of them. I'm afraid to go out but two men want to.
Thesis written in 1953 by woman about language. At a lake with other people
from my class -- doing water things. I decide to throw rocks -- Keith H
does also -- into the water. Go back to school, my thesis isn't written
(it's about dreaming). Suzanne has it. She is going into the boys'
showers. Chocolate cake with catsup.
At Mom's -- early morning, I get up and go down long
driveway to the road. Hear heavy breathing -- which turns out to be a bear.
Starts out as bull, black, comes at me. I yell at it, run and get on fence.
He says, "won't do any good" - he can climb through -- he does so. I laugh
a little. Run to house, scared. Bear follows, says we killed its children
and never gave it Christmas presents. Man goes out -- clothes bunched up
head. Get out guns. Then bear is crying outside Shirley's window. I
suggest gifts -- hamburger, frozen chicken. It walks around house and I
close curtains, put blue blankets over windows so it can't see in. Bob and
Shelley here (at Dad's sometimes) stirring chocolate. Their heads together,
I stir hair in. I feel like going to my room, knead bread on bed. Talking
about Doppler effect. S Ford to become demolition derby. Colors today,
like light they lie on them. [Neanderthals sacrificed a bear during the
Winter Solstice, Fortean Times.]
Group of women. I fall asleep, others leave. Talk
of moving into smaller, cooking something with lots of nuts and fruit.
Table with cornbread. [cornbread is eaten at New Years.] I am in Wisconsin,
going to a place by shortcut behind a building. Guy appears and talks
flirting. I throw typewriter at him and break off space bar. It is the
speaker to a stereo. I am confused as to what to do. Walking down the
street with two of the Dooleys, Mike and I making up jokes. Pat is grouchy.
In Red Rose, try on clothes, finally find a sundress, peach blouse. G or
Chuck H is there and tells me these clothes aren't appropriate for working
in an office. [I got office jobs after the daycare ones.] Fixing up a real
old dump in the country. A bunch of students move in -- new blood,
interesting things they say -- get busy fixing. Somewhere with a man -- he
likes it. I go for drive, he finds me in student union. Little girl who
lives in a house, but the other people don't realize it. Someone kind, a
man, finds her and offers to take her home. Gram Esther has a lot of stuff
put out like a yard sale. I look like Shirley with make-up -- hair has been
cut but grew back part way. She advises me to do something (about something
someone else did wrong - overcooked vegetables at Dumdum) and invites me to
come eat lunch with her. Sign on store wall -- proprietors not there.
Communists flood field below bluff where we are. People wade. I live in a
barn. A kid comes, wants to explore. More people are downstairs, want to
hear music. We wait downtown a long time for a bus, finally go inside --
it's a motel. Man and I are looking around -- he keeps grabbing me -- look
at this! Then I look in the trash and find lots of things I want to keep
-- phone numbers, envelopes with dreams written on them, TV scripts in big
yellow envelopes. J gets change from dark handsome man. We sneak our stuff
out of a room right before guard comes. We have a skeleton key. I yell at
Liz then hug her. Go somewhere with J & G to get something. Hear lecture,
sitting. Then go to where author is giving out small frozen yellow roses.
His book is sexist and he is dressed in yellow -- I put rose in his face.
Dave about ping pong, we will victorious regardless of the state of our
bodies. Then, streets wet, talk about eating ice cream. Man didn't like
what I did with rose and ran off - have to find him. See J&G later with
groceries, why raisin bread cheaper than usual? Go to their house -- woman
inside -- Nathan's girlfriend wants to learn to milk cows (car battery).
There is a bird in J's bread bowl and a purple chick, separator for
separating milk and cream turns into a discussion of need to smoke to be a
poet with her mother, about Suzanne.
Looking at photos -- aerial views of cattle herds --
very clear. cows look sort of like fish, slightly transparent. I'm on a
trip in a buslike van with several other people, new person named Patty
Thompson. We talk about difference of men and women -- I say women think of
other people (no one listening so I shut up). We "arrive" -- stop
somewhere. There is a lake and we all swim. There is a guy who flirts with
me by pushing me under the water. I fight him off with a stick. There is a
little blond kid. Guy after me says he doesn't really like kid, he was just
pretending. Kid falls out of floatation device and I save him, put him on
dry land. There are more women on land and they are talking about a joint
career. One woman volunteers to be the secretary. After fighting off the
guy with the stick I swim very buoyantly and well. Patty and I swim. Guys
try hit us with their boat to "flirt" and I yell. Then we run into their
fishing lines -- hooks. Get out and get her stuff -- Tarot cards. Pass men
drawing and Patty decides to stay with them. Lots of people on shore. I
wonder if I could swim with one hand and keep cards dry. Get back to van,
I'm supposed to drive - no key. At Dad's -- going through stuff -- give
back keys -- won't need anymore. Old man has crush on me. Cinda's
relatives' story -- one old lady wants daughter to leave, other one wants
daughter there all the time to take care of her. Driving on road that ends.
The whole fence is plain or play water. Patty and Darrell in big city. Pat
saying, "what shall we do now?"
Karen and I wrote scripts in high school -- one is
Mannix. I go back to Dad's house. Go with Mom to clothing store where
Shirley does hair next door. She gives me back clothes she cleaned. Dad
stores some. In one place, I see two of my plates I gave away. One has a
scene painted on it. I take it and leave and then see a man outside and
throw it at him. High school, there is a train that runs through the halls.
Sheila and I want to get on, follow it until we can. She says that May said
(after she asked) that we both could attract men - me easier than her
because I was smaller and better at leading them on. Then Muhammad Ali and
another fighter get on -- won't keep the other guy in line -- we speculate,
not being paid to do it? The train becomes filled with bread dough and I
begin kneading it -- putting honey on my hands like butter. To get on, I
grab hold of Sheila and then I'm on.
At Paul's -- first in old room. Alandoni leaving
too, go out to the car to get stuff for Paul. Man backs way into the woods.
Finally get there and Paul is in a bigger room, nearer the ground level,
with bunk beds. Woman sitting on bed and running across street who yells
about working for woman whose kid dies and she won't let her help. Program
on TV about men who torture their wives. J appears and says that she found
Liz lying on the ground -- some man had beat her up, stole her money and her
bra. I say, "what's the difference" (about the bra) and J says that's what
Liz said, that I don't have sympathy for her problems. Ice cream place,
Alandoni works there free, to train. Woman comes in who wants a lot of
cones and is riding a motor. At the laundromat -- wash lots of wool things.
White jacket Shirley gave me which had plastic bag of letters attached from
her wedding -- one says it's going to list her faults, one about relatives
including pictures, one has bonds pasted to a board. Living in a big house
where poetry reading held. Sandy goes up to sleep with Mike. Pat on TV
(actress). Then I'm with a couple, Gail and her fat husband who picks on
her all the time. I get his respect by saying I'm an expert -- trimming
trees. We are going to Ted and Alice's for a party. I color with pastels.
Little people dressed in green and white, sometimes you have to go "down" or
"into the locked room". It becomes like what you see on a jail entrance.
Loosen something up. Music sale, sack of vinyl records for $2. Some were
Tim, Bateman, Allan, other people in masks. Coop selling colonial bread.
The sun can't oversee all the fields in the sky (close up of man and baby,
zoom in).
Man -- rather shoot than go to jail was shot three
times through the hand by the townspeople. The bear was also shot that was
working that day as an orangutan in the city zoo. He was to have gone to
work as a zebra tomorrow. Not okay on Sunday. Telling jokes on guillotine.
McLuan -- important things, involved in something. Stand in garbage instead
of on scale. Dad, reached height of life, can dare to be weird.
At the park with other people, including little
kids. We were there before, police came and I stayed to help someone and
got caught. This time I start off immediately when I hear they're coming --
leading a little boy by the hand. We (kids) look for a hiding place, but
the ideal seems to be hiding as in a collage. I end up going back to the
building (there's a black bear in the field in the corner). Two men and
Lorna are the police. Lorna doesn't like anyone who doesn't act like her.
Love at first sight -- one man likes me and pretends not to see me, I stand
by the wall in a lighted room. Lorna asks me to lunch (thinks I'm rich). I
sit on my bed naked, Lorna comes up and now realizes who I am and treats me
with contempt again. However, she does ask me a question about how I get
along with little kids because they like me but not her.
Man has two other wives -- Janet and Connie. Connie
has a little girl. At first I don't care, then get upset, asking questions.
Connie has a ring -- purple cloudy crystal ball. I find two and she lets me
keep one -- in it I can see them.
Go to Pagliai's -- redhead has a crewcut and works
two hours in the middle of the night in a store. She says that she hated it
at first, then doesn't want to stop. See Jon, Allan, Cinda at Pagliai's --
we walk like them, then hop down aisle. Duck's Breath guy thinks he's doing
pantomime but he's talking. At post office, see Betty out window -- go out
to talk, she's very cool -- later find out drugstore loses lens and blood
sample. I yell at them, tell guy to shove it. At home, sort Mom's dirty
laundry in basement. A track inside a room (square with circle in it).
Little boy tells me an idea for a movie -- I have a row all to myself when
we go to auditorium (he sits with men) -- one woman with corn defeating
another woman who is under the ground. Drive across a newly seeded lawn to
Dad's house and throw out a bag of clothes in the garden. Mom backs the car
up the road to Booneville -- taking Nathan there. Show about a time warp in
a closet -- connects with closets all over the world. House, have to try to
unlock door twice before it opens. Room of a guy, article on pyramid power.
I get off at Long Beach - wearing long dress, green boots. Boy there with
little child answers questions about it. Go back to freeway and Dad comes
by in yellow car and picks me up. Dead fox by the road. We walk around
Iowa City -- we really did wait for another week like Cinda said -- we run
into friends and they treat us like ghosts -- find Paul's crystal ball on
the ground. He appears when another woman and I are talking about him.
[walking around Iowa City before leaving I did feel like a ghost, everything
looked misty like I was already mentally gone.]
Packing, pink table, books I want like dictionary
and concordance. Photo of man by trailer -- supposed to be excellent, hard
to do -- put looks fuzzy. Talking to woman on phone even though we're
together. Sitting in chairs on a street corner, mine is in the street like
I'm a car. J disappears in area where single girls live - I yell until man
threatens to shoot me. Someone yells that there is an injured boy in one of
the rooms.
Playing basketball, best game of my life. Starts
out barefoot, then shoes. There's a jump ball where I jump against each
person on the team in turn. We sit down to rest, girls in chairs, boys
standing on floor. I take off my shirt. Finally, everyone is tired, lying
on floor. I sprinkle things on them. They complain to the coach about
"showboat" but he just gives me a black piece of paper like a copy of a
birth certificate with a problem -- has to do with Kun and Ken. Baby boy
whose diapers don't stink. Then a religious group comes in and puts up a
fence down the middle of the floor. I find a breach and we go into their
territory -- where they are smoking dope. Violence erupts. We start out in
the car -- two boys with guns come. We disarm them and one falls. Go
through someone's house, most people stop and don't go on. I go out side
and keep going with baby. Little kid shrieks, could use for police whistle.
Walk through pasture to Gram's house, but it's really the woman next door's
house, Maxine Rinard. Right before I get there, realize I don't have a key.
My aunt and others pick me up. As we go by her house - there are trees
growing in the house and windows are open. She must be back. [dream was in
September 76, Maxine died around April 69 -- house had been torn down.]
First dream in the new house on Larch -- Lawndale,
California - 9/16/76 Driving by Moss's dairy in Iowa City -- cows and pigs
in field. Go into hay area, Mr. Moss there. Very unusual bull -- large
almond eyes -- doesn't like to be yelled at. He charges smaller cows, then
Mr. Moss. I attract his attention, he falls on his back somehow and Mr.
Moss breaks his front leg. There is another bull, curly head, more normal -
bull turns into this one. Runs on his broken leg, then gets a cast and hip
boots and walks upright. Then I'm inside looking at U of Iowa things on
wall, surplus sales, and map (looks like LA) -- look out door -- boy says
Hi, looks like one of the Hardy Boys -- he takes my arms from behind fixing
a fixture. Then another guy -- more rawboned, curly hair, like Don comes in
-- presses up against me -- differences, says to forget about fixing the
thing - he gets a hard on. I bend over backwards until he falls on the
floor. I leave -- kids are hired to chase animals out of field. Then I'm
at Mom's -- the people downstairs get ugly and I run upstairs -- prepare to
escape, put on hipboots, then tennis shoes. Can't go out window -- deep
snowdrifts, and snow on roof. Go downstairs, light keeps coming on --
someone says distraction is good. I pick up a deer head with antlers. Run
out door, unlock is easy -- living room. Sally follows. I throw deer head
and she picks it up and threatens others. I can only walk well with my
right foot and start hopping. Get to car -- we all get in and lock door
even though I don't have the key -- make car move so it will start by
letting out clutch.
Man and I camp in an old house which has been torn
down -- it's on Greg's

land in the dream. We have to go off carrying heavy
backpacks, then my road comes right back to the house. I ask Greg about
Dumdum -- says the old people deserted. He kisses me and I push him away.
Then we go to a crowd area where there's going to be a football game. I'm
looking for the man I was with and think he's driving around on the field,
I sit down and wait to see if he drives by. Two women on the team. Some
men sit down and begin shooting at the hill, passers-by are walking. I get
up and beat a hasty retreat after seeing through the hill (seems to duck
down) that the man wasn't there. I see Bryan coming up the steps -- kicks
him in the balls.
Steve talks in sleep -- said he was in the Navy
anonymous tip. Michelle -- pretend to spank her -- then say I'm too tired.
She rolls over hole trying to fall. Scream at people for not looking for
jobs after I've set them up. My fingernail is marked -- beg kids not to
talk about it. Linda lives in our house -- likes the runners on the stairs.
There is a group of broken pottery -- Japanese (chipped or something), she
shares it with me. Says, where is my boyfriend, her sister Nancy -- I tell
her the best guy for her (feathers in her hair). A man wants to close a
restaurant early -- waiter "makes" two cars pull up. Voice, "these are
eagles who have good karma because of war or short lives or whatever who
have nothing in part. they are willing to take whatever they get." Mark's
father -- lawsuit - new law.

6/1/77 The floppy bowl of plants, sensitive plants, Mimosas -- the sun
shines on them and makes them grow. At a place (like barnyard) with J.
It's raining and she says it's the best time to kill scorpions. They are
buried flush with the ground and have tails like wrenches, or question marks
and fleshy white bodies, the question mark is the sting -- J says kill them
while they're inactive and "safe". J cleans a dresser drawers/bureau inside
(her mother says, why couldn't she do it in the closet?). I kill the ones
outside. You are supposed to use small sharp-sided rocks. I start cutting
one but instead of dying it flies into the air and a tiny one gets into my
hair. I push a tiny one into the mud -- get the one out of my hair. Now it
has stopped raining and you can see the ones in the path. Then they are
snails and I kill a whole cupful. There are more than are apparent. I go
inside and see what J has done. She washed the bureau. I say killing them
is too dangerous (scorpions). On a hillside, J and G's Pinto catches on
fire in a square that is very hot. Gerald says it happened because of the
insulting the car and not having faith in it (12,000 mile throwaway) and is
huffy as he drives away. It was the insulation that caught fire, and I say,
but what about the cracked valve? I'm walking down a path at night. It's
in a rich neighborhood and I blunder into someone's yard. They get very
nasty, even threatening. The man picks up a hoe, gets in front of me, but
actually lets me get back on the sidewalk. I'm joined by two tanned women
dressed like waitresses, very beautiful. They say it's less scary to walk
together. We are followed by a man taking pictures of our backsides. I
turn around and threaten to take his picture but he says, "only my back." I
wait. We arrive at a health food store. We wait on the stairs with large
numbers of boys. It is some sort of boyscout type meeting. There are only
a few girls, one says, "I hear they treat girls well." We go down the
stairs and this is when I see all the herbs on the shelves. Across is a
shelf with canned cheesecakes, etc. I sit down at the table where everyone
is having oatmeal. I missed being served because I was looking at the
cheesecakes -- frosting only 44% sugar). A woman comes along and steals the
film from my camera ( I took a picture of the man while he was posing for
others.)

6/2/77 All kinds of assemblages or parts of assemblages -- at Grandma's --
Superman with Superman outfit on top and Kent suit under. Man with large
shoes and briefcase. Jesus at Mom's -- fairy. At school -- shoes and feet
of dolls. Shawna (4) looks very wan and overworked. Dream that Mom is
pregnant (Mom was 45.) My family is hopping mad when they find out I'm
moving to California. Gather up assemblages from Mom, Grandma, school.

6/3/77 Allan and Cinda live in a fancy apartment with a color TV that is
hard to adjust. George and Lucy are coming too, with a moving van full of
stuff. We wait in the car -- $50 laying on the ground, then go in when they
get there. Talk to them from the doorway, yelling. Movie making people
come -- a couple who didn't work as directors because the first few pages of
script were good and the rest awful. They are now divorced. The man is
fat. J/Cinda and I are included in a group for new people, it is made up of
women. The leader of the group jokes -- she makes fun of Cinda's place
because it doesn't have sidewalks -- Cinda says to hip, skip, slip through
the water in the yard. Kids surround -- very noisy. She says to them that
her mother had two kinds of kids, quiet and asleep. They get huffy - leave
and slam the door. Then she gives a demonstration with a doll how to push
their heads down into the hole. I go to a grocery store where vegetarians
can work for their supper. I begin arranging fruits and vegetables in the
case. Get tired of it very fast, many are past their prime. I was at a
party where they were smoking, say I've been trained to leave after one
pipe. Go to a bookstore, empty, no books. Then a snake goes in my vagina.
Very sensual, but then it begins to strike at outer things.

MJ talks candidly about money - how much it means to her sometimes. How
people at the school say to her about, "this little trick of yours" and it
isn't a trick. There are pulled up plants laying on the floor. Helping a
little kid find her mother's checked suit. Look all over the store, Sky
(kites) vaguely remember it. Go to sheriff of Lennox's station on my way
home -- it blocks the road. They are very macho -- drawing guns.

Stop at Salvation Army -- I give away my high wood heels, and when I go to
get them back they are already gone. I come out with one shoe on left foot,
a low sandal, and two gloves of different colors. Mom is driving down the
road in the rain -- takes a turn too sloppy, she is nervous from not driving
much. Windows are all fogged over. She runs off the road on a curve and
almost tips the truck over, then reaches the field. Driving towards some
place in Mom's green truck. Then a huge bull elephant is in the field we
have to go through. The truck falls on its side. A man gets my brother out
and we start to walk across the field. The bull elephant has a girlfriend
somewhere. She gets out of her pen and comes around also. I remember that
you must face the elephant even if he kills you, and start back. Maybe his
legs are so long he'll go right over the top of the truck. A man is there
where I'm going to climb the fence. Everywhere here has changed to winter,
there's snow on the ground and the air is very cold. The man says that down
the hill to the right where the country music is, it is green. Mom and my
sister say that Spring is coming to the left. I look. The sun is pink down
there -- but I continue with the man and someone holding my left hand. As
we walk, the man tries to pull his hand away. We pass two couples in front
of the original gate where we came in. One of them is a blond girl with
dark around her eyes. Her dress is very soft as well as her skin, her form,
everything. She lies there draped and very self-assured. I begin to ask
the man about her. He says her name is Christine and he loves her more than
me -- he lured her to his apartment several times and had sex with her once.
I ask questions -- is she prettier than me? He says yes very quickly and
turns away. He goes on to say that he loves her because her every thought
is love. She gives love body, gives it balloons. I ask him why he only had
sex with her once. He doesn't answer. Ask him if she's better at sex than
me - no answer. Ask if he wants a divorce. No answer. We arrive at the
entrance of a very large building. Everything is marble. I think about my
boyfriends, but they didn't do anything for me -- making the balloons. I
think they are "word balloons" like in comic books. We move into a basement
room -- floor raised, made of wire mesh. Old lady's house, girl gets 1/3 of
the space -- that's why so cheap. In New York, everyone lives in a cheap
part -- we all go somewhere.

Walking long distances -- huge triangle -- from Mom's to Booneville, then
further. Baretta tries to hit J's car with his car -- makes her back up. I
punch him in the face and he starts driving right. Go to J's house
(Stewarts), she has her own house there -- hundreds of pairs of shoes
hanging on wires from ceiling to floor. A man and I at an award ceremony --
very depressing. Some woman I'm supposed to know calls from New York and
says she heard my poetry on TV -- the commentator said it was memorial
poetry and nobody likes that. Taking care of big kids. They dig lines in
the basketball court. These get very deep -- can't fill them in. I can't
remember part of the day -- must have been asleep. Up the hill are rocks,
but they've been carved -- some nicer from a sort of translucent pink marble
or other type of rock. Sandy comes up and claims her "share" -- go to place
where we went all the time as kids, like the creamery -- go to bathroom.
Young guy has put up signs all over that he wants to be a printer. Wearing
two pairs of pants -- green ones outside, dream voice says this means, "just
a little more." Man's clothes in bathroom -- Levi shorts -- he lives here,
as well as works, to save money. Go out, young man is there, friendly.
Says others say I do bad work, they decided all this from looking at me --
gossip. He shows me some plants made of many plants grafted together. They
look like fairies, mythical. Old man was making a sign from stick on wood.
The place is being sold to make a restaurant or something. I always liked
this bathroom and ones like it.

6/8/77 Going past a field in which there are a giant red bull and cows. I
say they are so big they could step over the fence and the bull does --
comes up to the car -- says, "guess my name." I guess one name -- Ass --
lots of syllables. I guess names as he pinches me painfully on the ass.
Asshole. [Erin go braugh -- like you get pinched on the ass if you don't
wear green on St Patrick's day.] Go to Iowa City -- Jon Sjoberg is living
in a shoe store. Gerald is going to Kreske's to pick him up because he says
they look like twins. J goes up the street -- padded, stiff bra. I have
flowers than fall in front of her and she takes them. Go back to shoe store
and change clothes in the back room. In Salvation Army, refrigerator for
$22 -- nice. Record -- Santa's little kid takes it apart and I have to put
it together. Sandy finally does. Come home, Dad and Mom are back by the
garage working on something made of wood. I ask if we should go do the
chores. Dad says, yes. Car that converts to a coffin. Driving along
seashore -- looking at houses of rich people. Commentator says they space
themselves out. Come to the largest. Guy who built it did so, so that it
overlooked a pig pen which is built at the source of a creek. Another side
porch overlooks the ocean. One guy who lives in the house sells newspapers
-- big pile on porch. Ours is delivered from way across town where we used
to live.

6/10/77 Mike Weber tells us where basketball's dope plants are -- go and
pull them up. Take them to house where some drinkers live -- roots look
like carrots. Clean off roots. Linda and Karen there -- say they have to
call Karen's boyfriend. Turns out to be Linda's -- he's some guy in New
York with literary connections. Say we can talk to him --but at the last
minute say it's too expensive. Take the plants upstairs in a huge pile of
gold-squeeze-purses. Sheila says she'd feel better if it was in the women's
half of the house. Our car parked in back. The kitchen is cleaned out by
the stove. Woman wants recipe -- house a mess -- table across door.

June -- two books -- The Guard With the Golden Arm, lots of illustrations
like comic book sort of, or children's book. Little kid had it, Dennis. Go
through dorm -- see young man and woman dropping their daughter off at the
dorm. She's crying. Her father is young and handsome, he says, "harrumph."
Back in town, snow. Try to get on a bus -- won't open door. Walk to the
side and climb up on a snowpile. There's some hay buried in the snow.
Voice from letter says, "share it." Man starts throwing it out. I ask if
the cows won't fight when the cows of all different people start eating it.
He says maybe let them out one at a time to eat. I go to Van Meter, all
rebuilt. Gym has a blue cloth on floor with lines painted on it. Mike and
friend shooting baskets. I shoot -- miss from corner. Very awkward, I take
off my coat -- several layers of heavy clothes to a T-shirt that is on only
one shoulder. Cover this layer back up with a small white sweater. Find
balls, but all of them are NOT round. Hard to dribble them. Throw a match
up and it rims out.

6/16/77 Building something at Mom's -- run out of wood. Dad runs down
driveway -- we run after -- carrying a heavy board. Dad dives into the
creek, which is flooded and has lots of boards in it. We are worried, he's
under the bridge but he comes out -- nothing. Walking back up driveway
--we're all nude. Cars come, some relatives -- old first, then car full of
cousins. Under an apple tree -- try to decide which underwear is whose.
Birthday party for a cousin, Janes gives her a cake made from dairy products
-- supposed to be low calorie. Boat ride up creek with other people --
Steve Richter, girls. Horrible feeling throwing a boy with a grim disease
into the water -- but turned out very well -- all swim to boats -- go over
bridge where you dance on the bottom -- sing a song because of strong
undertow. All get washed out of the boat. Girls sit or stand in snow. I
say, "isn't it weird how warm it feels." Richter took off for somewhere and
then there is a marriage of a bunch of pieces. A plant rooting in water
grows green leaves where the roots go. Kids (Mary Ellen Eichner) ask about
eggs -- wants some of mine -- two dozen -- they're married. I say Mom sells
them for 35 cents a dozen. Game, consolidated debt -- Japanese looking
woman. Going towards Van Meter -- at bridge see Rehbein, baling hay. On
bridge is a garden, onions growing not corn. A pool with small fish in it,
large black carp swims up through tunnel. Man says he wants to fuck, we do
right there, then a little boy with a snotty nose -- orgasm. Then go to see
my sister. I am writing down this dream. She is very distraught, tells me
about dream. First part there is a code with alphabet. Then there are
beautiful pieces to illustrate this - corn with gold foil parts. Little
figures from the 40's. I ask where she gets them - she says to get her
black lamp -- it is beside her, smoke coming out. Maybe today I got my gold
wings. She shakes out a small container. Inside is a rolled up calendar
for 1935 with a package of cigarettes and small gold sheep -- run after
these as fast as you can. Song by country singer. White flowers like
poinsettia. The month is December. She says they want her to do something
-- marry Tom Herman (I think it's Headley in dream) -- I say maybe she
should. She says he's the most powerful man in Van Meter -- family is for
it -- I see a wall lamp with shade, think, "this is her hidden power urge."
He put out a magazine about airplanes just to bother Gary. I say it's
better to be married to someone you love, thinking, "who loves you." Said,
"it shows he loves you." The container is a little child kneeling with tiny
gold wings. Shirley is practicing for her wedding -- wearing a long veil
and lots of little kids are to be the veil carriers. They are dressed in
knitted shawls over their heads and shoulders. There are 6-7 carrying the
veil and Shirley appears to have to pull them along. I get my camera and
have to load the new film. This is very difficult -- there are two men also
loading film. One is using his camera like a movie camera. The film gets
more and more complicated -- all different layers and cardboard parts to be
put together. I ask the guy for help and surprisingly he does. There are
more -- larger cardboard parts on the floor. Dream about commodore.

6/17/77 Lynn and I go to work at another school. She's a scientologist.
There are only about eight kids -- very plush -- red table cloth, curtains,
heavy wood. I'm supposed to do puppets after nap. One of them left the
bike on the street -- charged $100. There is a meeting in the auditorium --
many white benches. I am supposed to say grace -- don't know it. Running
around room in circle playing some game. I wait on corner reading a letter
from a Sylvia which is written very obscurely -- no return address. She
wants uncut gems. We go to a store where I know the woman - she's Jane
Wyman/Wyatt. Sylvia gets very close -- says the woman's name is Lawther and
hers is similar. Asks about gems for $1. Woman says price has gone up to
two for a nickel or 35 cents. Leave, little boy playing outside, I yell for
him to come. His name is Nathan part of the time. He says he was waiting
for us -- working on science experiment.

6/18/77 Kids in the water, creek by the bridge at Mom's -- it freezes
around them. I get them out and put dry clothes on them. Piss freezes when
they piss. Watching a graduation. Feel a little sick because I'll have to
go way up in the bleachers like them. Walking home from Van Meter to Mom's
-- the flat part by the river is in total darkness and I walk by feel and
memory. Then there is a street light on the other side of the hill by
Johnson's farm. [Johnson's sold their farm to a developer -- housing
development there now. Johnson's had a field with a lot of old cars from
the 50's -- classic cars.]

6/20/77 Go outside, Dad running a gas station. I hear yelling, Mom's house
-- and run outside and the house is on fire. It turns out the fire was in
my room. There was a candle on the table and a little flag. The flag
caught on fire and then the curtain. [I used to read in bed with a candle
after Dad said to turn out the light, the candle balanced on the covers and
fall asleep. I would sleep very still, then wake up and blow the candle
out.] A man and I go to Disneyland -- show is dancers in a Western saloon.
Three are older and won't kick up their legs. The fourth is young and will.
Others chase her. Go to Mom and Dad's house -- float there above ground at
the speed of a bike. Picture on the wall of them while happy. Library
books -- Dad's collection of maps of the freeway. Get in car and go park --
the grass is short and planted, dandelions, goldfinch feathers on the
ground. Get back in car, go to exit and they take our purses as collateral.
Get in the car and there is a little blond boy who is following us -- gets
in the front seat. Then he crawls under the seat to the back where I am --
repeats numbers so won't get claustrophobia. I smile at him. At school --
MJ gets plants and I dig holes and plant them. Soil very soft -- voice says
that gravel layer should be established. Parent comes and asks for a
strange name kid -- Umlich. Then they are cookies that I move around.

6/22/77 I drive to Mom's to give my brother a present -- a stove that we
had. Jean's brother gave him one made of glass -- moon can shine through it
when burning herbs. Find two letters I wrote -- in sketchbook. MJ asks
that I burn them. I do so in the clear glass stove. Very restless. Go
outside, all the windows, three layers on the house have green window boxes.
There are all kinds of flowers in the garden. MJ leaves, there's a blond
girl with her. Voice asks Sandy a question - personal. She says she won't
tell anyone. I say, "sure -- she will." I walk to the edge of the garden
-- vegetables are coming up very thickly. A boy is there, talks about not
doing pre-marital sex. I say it's okay with contraception. He says he
never does it but feels like it. I say everyone does. There is a movie
made about us. In the movie, we swing by our hands from a pole high in the
air, then we drop down to another pole. I talk like Hayley Mills. All the
details are exact -- clothes, notebook colors. Someone watched us very
closely. We have a baby. A friend (male) is taking care of it but soon
wants to stop. We say the dog will guard it while I'm out eating ice cream
with the dog. We have a loan -- pretend to be asleep in the blue rocking
chair. I pretend to be asleep, lean against the back. There's a girl
sitting next to me eating. A man gives the signal and she attacks me --
jumps on top of me. She has put very old tree roots in my vagina. It is
unsure if she is putting them in my food or vagina. I'm confused about how
to defend. I'm at a restaurant with some people -- look down and my pants
are off. I put them on wrong-side out and they are green-flowered little
kids' pants -- very short, patched. White socks. I look in mirror and wish
I'd taken the trouble to dress up before I came here. At garden, man comes
with chicken manure -- says he's from Van Meter. Professor type. Makes me
laugh and then I am better at sex. Water plants, large lemon tree drying
up, a hanging plant. Show about annoying the colonies. At a clothing store
with Mom, beautiful blouse, can't find skirt. Boy tries to steal my purse
-- I throw my glasses at him -- hit him in the mouth and penis -- he's down
in a hole. Driving, a kid on my lap. A woman borrows my book -- I stop and
follow her.

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